Tag Archives: marriage

A Secret To Freeing Yourself From Guilt

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Early in my marriage I went to a mental conditioning expert to ask him about ‘training guilt.’

We played a game of ‘why’…

I feel guilty when I’m training
Why?
Because I think I should be with my wife
Why?
Because we’re married
Why?
Because I love her
Why?
Because she makes me want to be a better man

The idea of the game is to keep drilling down until you get to the root of the concern.

In my case it was a mixture of love for my wife, fear of letting her down and fear of failure in my (second) marriage.

Once we drilled down to the source, we decided that I’d share everything with my wife and agree that she’d let me know her needs.

Our marriage has a credo: we talk about things before they become an issue.

This had an interesting effect by reframing my training as a gift from my wife, rather than a need that was in conflict with my marriage. The season that followed was one of my best years for training and recovery.

The technique (of self-discovery followed by disclosure) worked so well that I brought it into my work life. I trust my colleagues to let me know their needs. This saves tremendous time because I don’t spent time working on things that aren’t essential to them.

The flip side of this trust is an obligation on me. I need to share my needs with the people that are close to me.

A combination of openness, and trust, is liberating. As the owner of an active imagination, I can waste time and energy on matters that only matter, or even exist, in my head.

By trusting people to tell you what’s important, you will save a ton of energy and guilt turns into a source of self-awareness.

Family Mantras

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In my life, focusing on the faults of others is always a reminder to look inwards. For when I’m struggling with myself, I start to look outwards for easier targets! My article on creeping clutter was triggered by catching myself wishing my wife would clean up the kitchen.

There is a lot of anger in the world outside my home. Even inside, the minds of preschoolers are churning with strong emotions.

I’ve been able to modify my own sources of greed, envy and anger. I do this through awareness of three truths:

  • We’ve already won
  • We have more than we need
  • I don’t need to be right, I want to be at peace

When I see the truth in these mantras, I remove the seeds of greed, anger and envy. If these seeds grow then we can end up disgraced, or in prison. Theft, fraud, infidelity, anger and unhappiness have their root in a desire for more.

As I roll through my day, I am on the lookout for examples of how we’ve won, how we have more than we need and how serenity benefits the family.

A friend observed that having the opportunity to argue shows how lucky we are. Debate is a sign of affluence. When faced with an argument, he sees a person that is lucky to have the time to make themselves unhappy!

From the outside, it can appear that I spend a lot of time focused on the risk of negative outcomes. However, from the inside, I find it helpful to remember that my time is limited. To my family, I say…

Whatever happens, remember this – I had a fantastic life and loved you very much.

What’s your family mantra?