Tag Archives: parenting

True Wealth – Building A Family System

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I gave my crypto post a retweet yesterday

The post isn’t about crypto.

The post is about deciding where not to focus.

The post contains a filter:

1/. Will “this” make a difference?

2/. Will “not-this” make a difference?

“Family” is a 20+ year project that made a difference.

Like any big project – it is daunting at the beginning.

Many people fail to take the first step because they lack confidence in their ability to complete the task.

The first step was “me”

One of my favorite filters has to do with selecting a home base.

Live Where You Don’t Need To Leave

Applies to more than our hometowns

It applies to our careers, our home lives, our relationships

Let’s go even deeper

Be someone I’m not trying to escape.

  • the way I act
  • what I say
  • what I write
  • what I think
  • how I want to be in the world

I started with with “say” and “write”.

  • Write about the person I want to be.
  • Stop talking about the things I didn’t want to be.

I was seeking to change patterns in my life

Patterns that led to my divorce – patterns that led to my current situation.

I wanted to be more like the person I wanted to attract into my life

  • Athletic
  • Kind
  • Calm

Maybe, your list is different.

Write it down.

Know where you’re trying to go.

From my Rich Roll podcast

I knew if I didn’t marry this woman then it would be greatest mistake of my life.

Getting married is the easy part.

We’re planting a seed, attending a party, everybody likes to get married.

Building a marriage, however, requires effort over time.

Effort at overcoming ourselves, our pasts and, sometimes, unhelpful family habits.

++

One of the first lessons I learned in Private Equity, concession for concession.

Makes one an effective negotiator, screws up a family system.

Why?

Two main reasons

  1. Leaders do more than their share. To properly direct a team, we need to earn it.
  2. We never see all the work done by our teammates. If I think the work split is “fair” then, odds are, I’m not doing enough.

Fundamentally, I see marriage as an agreement to face the world, together.

It’s going to require both parties to put “together” first.

It can take a while to get used to this new way of thinking.

You have plenty of time.

Hopefully, a very long time.

++

Embracing an “attitude of no escape” will help you make the changes required for success.

Create a family where you don’t need to leave.

Lean into your difficulties.

My biggest problems led to my most meaningful solutions.

Linked Articles

Six Mantras to Cut Drama in Half

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Every day, we make a choice : Drama or Peace

Because the mantras are different than how many of us were raised, they take a little getting used to.

  1. It Is OK to Say No
  2. All Family is Optional
  3. We Can Handle The Truth
  4. Talk Like Everyone Is In The Room
  5. We’ve Already Won
  6. Everyone Speaks, or not

Think about them in the context of the last unforced error you made.

What the mantras have in common is they lower the temperature.

  • By removing a feeling of obligation, we reduce resentment.
  • By acknowledging truth can be uncomfortable, we remove the burden of hidden lives and carrying secrets.
  • By constraining our words to what we’d say to someone’s face, we are more careful and considerate.
  • By acknowledging the benefits of our current position, we stay focused on living well.
  • By allowing everyone to contribute, we slow decision making and reduce the capacity of a single person, or a single moment, to derail us.

Pay attention to the one you think is the most difficult.

Choose Peace

Sunday Summary 23 October 2022

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Top Threads

Endurance Training Tips

High-Performance Habits

14 Years Old

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I was looking through my phone to find pictures for our daughter’s birthday card.

In 2022, I noticed we’d hadn’t done much together, other than train and drive in my car!

13 proved to be a turning point.

When I pointed this out to her, and said I’d like her to join various family trips we have planned…

I could tell she had her own priorities and goals.

Not sure how much I’m going to see of her.

The plan, all along, has been to equip her with the skills for a self-directed life.

++

I’m finishing up a great book called Happy, by Derren Brown

One of my favorite insights is his observation… parents can’t help but pass their unrealized ambitions to their children.

I looked around:

  • An oldest daughter who swims (with an eye on the highest levels)
  • A son who wants to be a doctor

It’s a useful insight.

You can see it everywhere – my doctor pals have sons who want to be athletes!

++

Darren’s book goes further and talks about anti-ambition.

What we NEVER want to be.

I’m sure I’ve given them some of those!

The path to resist against.

++

My next realization…

She’s done with me in 1,000 days.

I was 17 when I arrived at McGill University.

Hung with myself, mostly, for the next decade!

We’ve moved into the 1,000 day countdown for pretty-much-on-her-own.

++

So, what to do.

#1 – Congratulate her on becoming a wonderful young woman. She’s far exceeded my expectations, an absolute star.

#2 – Ask her what level of time commitment she thinks she should make to the family. What’s the minimum?

#3 – Continue to support her journey through the process of becoming an independent woman.

…and help her with the process of figuring out where she wants to take her life.

Raising Fit Kids

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Towards a Self-Directed Life

They say we should teach about subjects where we don’t need notes.

Fit kids is that subject for me.

  • Our kids are 10, 11 and 14
  • We live in one of the fittest zip codes in America
  • Our kids are competitive in whatever they set their minds on
  • Most importantly, they are happy, engaged and a core part of every team they join
  • We’ve been raising them with intent, since before they were born

I threaded the outline for the video last Friday.

Winning means NOTHING if you lose the relationship.

Children carry an embedded option for the most common challenges of aging

  • something to do
  • someone to share experiences with
  • someone to love

Don’t blow it by being a bozo (at the game)

If the family has a special sport, swimming for us, then think in terms of minimum weekly frequency

None of our kids had to “be a swimmer” – all they needed to do was swim a little bit

Every. Single. Week.

Touch the water, once a week, since they could stand up

5-8 hours a week of jumping, climbing, twisting, spinning – All Summer Long

Very Consistently Undertrained

Our kids have done a lot since they were little.

What they have not done is specialize in a specific niche, or train like an adult.

I’ve also been careful to match my encouragement to the way the kid likes to train

  • Long days
  • Fast days
  • Mix of days

The kids decide what and how much – my role is to up-skill and keep it fun.

Ironman Finish – more than 11,000 days after I was born

10,000 Days

From the time a child stands up…

…to realizing their maximum adult potential

About 10,000 days

Longer in my case!

Several important realities flow from this timeline:

  • We control less than half of those days!
  • We don’t even control what we think we control – for example, effort at practice
  • It will not be the parents’ call – without a deep love of exercise, the kids are DONE as soon as they get out of the house, sometimes before!
The most important relationship in a child’s life is the quality of their parents’ marriage
Choose coaches, and mentors, based on the quality of their non-athletic lives

What Do We Control?

  • Modeling Personal Excellence
  • How our children see our marriage and other relationships
  • Sleep & Nutrition Habits
Spending my time, and giving my attention, to create a link between Fun and Work

Leave Room To Load Later

  • Middle School
  • High School
  • The Collegiate Level

None are a final destination!

Give the athlete somewhere to go when they leave you.

Being a badass breeds confidence – this impacts everything

Start With The End In Mind

Where do you want the athlete to be when they are done with their competitive career?

  • Resilient
  • Courageous
  • Persistent
  • Healthy
  • Enthusiastic

Use sport as a vehicle to teach these traits.

Start today!

Keep these traits front of mind when you’re tempted to make it about winning.

A teacher’s job is to fill the world with positive memories for the student to carry forward

Sunday Summary 4 September 2022

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Top Five Threads

  1. I pulled together Lactate Testing resources
  2. Aerobic Threshold Tips – an important physiological point, missed by most
  3. How To Progress as a Self-Coached Athlete
  4. How to Review an Ironman Race
  5. Some Issues are Unresolvable (blog tomorrow)

Endurance Sport Tips

High Performance Habits

Sunday Summary 28 August 2022

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Top Five

  1. Serious Athlete’s Guide to Building Your Training Week
  2. Legs up the wall, eccentric lowers to settle your hamstrings
  3. Heart Rate does not capture metabolic stress
  4. How to Shake Up Your Basic Week
  5. Swim Game coming September 11th – Get Back to Swimming
    1. I will ask you to do nearly everything bilaterally

Endurance Sport

High-Performance Habits

Athletic Parents with Competitive Teen Athletes

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Way out on a weekday – discretionary time is a form of wealth – my son loves to train long, high & challenging

When you are “in it” with babies, preschoolers and toddlers… you might be dreaming of a better future.

The future will come…

…it’s going to be a whole-lot better than calming a cranky three-year old

…it’s going to be different than you expect

When our youngest started kindergarten, I had a vision of time coming back into my life, of life slowing down, of my personal trips returning…

Time came back, for a while.

With the shift to year-round athletics for our teen, the time is being allocated back out.

It’s the right thing to do.

I’m grateful for several things:

  1. I built a life that doesn’t require travel
  2. I have a low-friction routine for exercise (home gym, indoor trainer, live near hills & forests)
  3. I didn’t lock up capital in a secondary location (ski place, lake place, any place)

Travel – we get a lot done by being home.

Invert – life can feel unsustainable when one parent is away all the time.

Simplicity – we can hit our self-care minimums at home, or out the front door.

With capital, we tend to focus on money. That’s not the drain.

  1. Ownership (of anything) is another thing to take care of (share of mind, share of hassle)
  2. Athletic events are a new category of “things that take family time”
  • Time
  • Share of mind
  • Admin

…the more simple my day-to-day, the easier it is to focus on (family) goals.

Simplicity, in the rest of our lives, hopefully, makes this sustainable for us.

Sunday Summary 17 July 2022

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Top Threads

  1. Conor Harris’ active release thread for hip region tightness
  2. Additional Tips on the SART (original blog on dynamic loading)
  3. Coaching people (like me) who already know how to train
  4. My current loading hierarchy
  5. Progressive incline treadmill test with lactate

Workouts & Working Out

High-Performance Habits

Using Transitional Items with Kids and Yourself

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Pooh Bear (1 of 3) goes to the dentist.
Notice, she gave him a cup to HOLD during the demonstration.

Want to reduce anxiety?

Use a transitional item, that can be HELD.

  • Awake to Sleep (blanket, pillow, stuffy)
  • T2 to the Finish Line (running sticks)
  • House to School (mini-stuffy)
  • Home to Hotel (pillow, sleep stuff, favorite PJs)

Many parents wonder if they should “toughen the kid up” by taking away the transitional item.

HELL NO

Momma Cat with her kitten (1 of 3) goes to school, in her favorite PJs, wearing her favorite hat.
Whatever it takes!

As soon as a kid grew attached to a blanket, or stuffy, we’d purchase two more and stash them someplace safe.

If we ever forgot to do this… regret!

Our little ones aren’t little anymore. Their blankets/stuffies still give them comfort.

Scooter around town in your favorite Halloween costume, in December?
Let’s do it.

Not just kids!

  • Eye-shades
  • Travel pillow
  • Phone, water bottle or purse
  • “Lucky” socks

For situations where you are prone to anxiety, create a talisman.

I learned to doodle when the kids were young. When we came across a little one, who was struggling…

What’s your favorite animal, amigo?

Here ya’ go, matey!

Why yes, you CAN keep it…

Sometimes, we all we need is a distraction.

Kids get a bit wild when you arrive at a new location?

Have them bring enough stuff that they have to set up their room, or bed, upon arrival.

Buys you a bit of time to relax after the drive.

When we have a house guest, the reverse applies.
Burn off a little energy setting up to host a kid.

We can’t eliminate life’s challenges.

With a small effort to up-skill ourselves…

We can cut them in half.

Final tip: teach your kids to NEVER take things away from someone.

  • Exchange, or
  • Wait your turn

All this stuff works great on adults. You’ll see it used a lot in sales and high-stress situations.