Tag Archives: parenting

Where To Spend More Part Three

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13 years ago this month

This series came from a conversation with someone, who was taking >50 years core spending off the table.

Part One was True Wealth & Part Two was Spending / Consumption

Where to spend was the final part of the conversation and I didn’t connect as well.

So let’s try again with key concepts.

Money not spent will end up with people who didn’t earn it (and have unintended consequences)

…balances with…

Family spending can become a burden to adult children (high baseline consumption expectation)

So…

Where to spend?

I spend in areas that…

  • help create the person I want to share my life alongside
  • reduce the risk of divorce
  • reduce friction towards the man I want to be

Childcare – detail here

  • Reduce, and redirect, resentment raising young kids is tough! We’ve had to “fire” different childcare people… but the marriage endures. Better to “fire” the babysitter, than me!
  • Kind, athletic spouse – create space so your spouse can be the person you’d like to build a life alongside. Never let anyone sacrifice their life for the “benefit” of the family/marriage.
  • Stay well back from the edge – there were times when I disliked being a father. Create space so you don’t act on negative feelings. ALL feelings are temporary! My marriage, and my family, needs me to not-act on temporary feelings. It is never OK for me to blow my family up.

Create happy memories – I’ve spent the equivalent of a very nice SUV on trips with my wife. Bora Bora, Napali Coast, Paris, London… these are some of the happiest memories of her life.

Over long time horizons, these shared experiences have continued to pay dividends. Much more than I expected.

Lesson: my spouse is likely to connect, and find meaning, in ways I don’t fully understand.

Some nuts & bolts about removing friction…

My body looks better when I eat salad => I spend $2,500 a year on prepared salads – I don’t care if I throw a bit of food out. I want it easily available, always.

Related, a luxury good is the ability to not price check the person doing the shopping. If quality & availability matter then provide an incentive for what you want to have happen.

I’m a better person when I train in the morning => At replacement value, there’s $28,000 worth of fitness equipment located where I live.

Weights and cardio… ZERO friction between me and what I need to do for health.

Many of my best friends, now, have kids => make it very easy for them to visit me, or visit them (with a kid).

Mantra: Spend money and time seeing good people

Who to vist? Simple filter…

  1. Do they make me laugh?
  2. Do they help me think better?
  3. Do they set an example for the type of man I want to be?

Some do all three – recruit them!

Remove as many micro-triggers as possible => Twice a year I write a large check to my wife. From that check all the small stuff comes out of our family. My job is to make sure that check gets funded. Her job is to take the pain of those micro-payments.

Do not micromanage my spouse! Agree the master budget and trust your partner to run their slice-of-the-pie. I get one number a month from my wife, net cash out. That’s all I need.

Drop my worst environment – when I was younger, it was commuting. I paid a premium to live close to work. These days… driving. The goal for my family is to get my driving down to ZERO.

Anyhow, know your worst environment and throw some money at it to reduce your exposure. This is a luxury good with a good payoff… your family gets a better version of you.

Beware… you might be hooked on the drama of suffering through for the “benefit of the family” – I’m calling BS on that. Just like your health, you need to own the outcome. Your family needs the best version of yourself. You need it too!

Human Capital over long time horizons. Supported by:

  • Nutrition
  • Exercise
  • Connection
  • Mood management
  • Conflict reduction

None of them make me appear rich, all of them contribute towards True Wealth.

Sunday Summary 15 May 2022

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Tweets of the Week (by engagement)

  1. Better to REMOVE one thing than chase the latest thing
  2. Our Pelotons read power -29% to +15% (nested threads)
  3. There is no hurry in Early Base (or anytime, really)
  4. What I did to get Ironman Marathon under 3-hrs
  5. Recap of my 2nd round of Swedish 5:2

Data comes from my Public Dashboard on BlackMagic.So

Family

Workouts & Working Out

High Performance Living

A public forum a lousy place for topics that require 1:1 trust

How To Build A Summer Training Program for Fit Teens and Athletic Kids

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“Yes, Sweetie, that’s me”

Last month, my daughter was asked:

Do you have a Dad?

In Boulder, that’s a loaded question.

She smiled and said, “Yes, I have a Dad.”

The question has come up before.

I stay invisible around my kids’ sports.

I do this with intention.

I want them…

  • to be INTERNALLY motivated
  • to keep our RELATIONSHIP separate from their athletic success, or otherwise
  • to INTERACT with them – I’m a player, not a spectator

Living in a town that places excessive glory on sport, my actions:

  1. Support Internal Motivation
  2. Lower Athletic Stakes
  3. Focus on Shared Experiences

My daughter put me in a bind when she asked me to coach her.

Top Five Hug, all-time, right there

Remember my advice to place the RELATIONSHIP ahead of performance

In January, we started a simple program – 20 minutes, done every Sunday, I’m not in the room

This went well – she loved it

For the summer, I asked myself…

What do we want to achieve?

  • For next season => get off the wall FAST
  • Over the next 1,000 days => set up capacity to go heavy at 16 yo

I came up with three 20-minute sessions per week:

  1. Continue the dryland program
  2. Street sprints
  3. Gym skill development & personal limiter mobility work

Let’s look at each

DRYLAND => keep what’s working, an all-around program she enjoys => good enough

Uphill is an effective place to coach speedy run form
AND
Bio-mechanically safer than other alternatives

SPRINTS => to get her off the wall FAST => choose an activity with close to max lower body recruitment

Uphill, street sprints – with casual walk downs

This tweet from Gerry explains more – it was a reminder of techniques we used in New Zealand.

Review & consider Gerry’s graphics – Hierarchy of Sports Performance and Motor Unit Recruitment

To set up the street sprints, she’s doing intramural track right now.

What’s your pleasure?
80#, 60# and 15#

SKILLS => with ~8 swims a week, street sprints and dryland… plenty of load.

A 1:1 session gives me a chance to assess her fatigue while teaching:

  • Squat Variations
  • Cleans (I have a 20# “kid” bar)
  • Sandbag Variations (I have a 15# “kid” bag)
  • Hip flexor openings
  • Eccentric rehab techniques

Let’s pull together the key points:

  • KEEP what works
    • maintain the sport-specific schedule from last summer
    • her load is increasing naturally by getting faster
    • she’s enjoying the 20-minute dryland from YouTube
  • Train general SKILLS – often missed at the sport-specific level
  • PICK ONE thing that would make a difference
  • RAMP LOAD GRADUALLY

Be patient – three summers until she’s 16.

As AC/DC remind us, it is a long way to the top (if you wanna to rock ‘n’ roll).

🤟

Turning My Kids into Bounty Hunters

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When I’m tempted to call someone out, I put that energy into self-improvement (and housework).

One of my most effective techniques is turn my kids into Bounty Hunters.

I get them to hunt down my Bad Habits and call me out.

Two examples, and two price points

Misdemeanors

  • Spitting toothbrush foam into the kitchen sink
  • You catch me, or I catch you… $1 cash!

Felony Violations

  • Yelling
  • Anybody catches me… $100 cash!

So far the score is 1-1 for misdemeanors

No Felony Payouts, so far

…but I could have charged the kids more than once!

What’s this really about?

It’s a fun way to teach my kids that…

Effective leadership models a willingness to accept bad news

and

Speak up when you notice a Say-Do gap.

Sunday Summary 17 April 2022

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The Body You Want

Fit Kids & Parenting

Wealth

High Performance Habits

Strength & Conditioning

The #1 Mistake Financial Professionals Make

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…is not leaving

Living!

Let’s start with the best money advice I’ve seen in 2022:

Don’t build a plan that requires your death to succeed.

Yes.

Rather, create a life that supports how you want to live.

How are we going to do that?

Get some money off the table.

How much?

5x “last year’s cost of living”

This is Core Capital – it is a function of your spending as well as your savings.

Once you have Core Capital, protect it.

The return on Core Capital doesn’t matter. Keeping it does!

It’s the most valuable money you will ever have, there are rapidly diminishing returns beyond this point.

Core capital doesn’t free you from the ability to stop working.

That’s OK.

You don’t want to stop, ever.

That’s another mistake the financial services industry makes => selling you a dream that you won’t enjoy.

You want the freedom to choose, to take chances with your time, to stay in the game.

You want this freedom to choose as soon as possible. Not late in life.

INVERT: You want the freedom to choose “not to.”

Not to deal with:

  • other people’s BS
  • fast money schemes
  • worry
  • golden handcuffs
  • creeps & crooks

Two weeks ago, in asking five questions, I gave you a nudge to start thinking about life.

  • Learning & Peers
  • Travel & Exploration
  • Values

That article introduced the concept of Lifestyle Sustainable => a low-cost base of operations where, ideally, you can live for free. The idea is to remove cost-of-housing from your financial concerns.

That’s the core financial asset for your portfolio. It cost me US$110,000 in 2000.

This is a great place to park your Core Capital.

Removing housing from your list of concerns gives you more than a financial return.

Alongside your key financial asset, I hope you have a loving, lifelong partner. This person is the most important decision, financial or otherwise, you’ll be making.

The highest return investments I made in my 30s & 40s, were not financial in nature. With a low-cost base of operations, & marketable skills, I was in a good place.

Many high-earners fail to see the value of what I just pointed out.

  • Low-cost base of operations
  • Marketable skills

Beyond that, most everything is lifestyle enhancement and ego.

Thankfully, I had a major setback in my early-30s (divorce) which gave me pause.

In 2000, I saw my future in front of me… lifestyle enhancement and ego… and I made a change.

A big one.

I became a world-class athlete. With (athletic) success came the realization that something was lacking.

So much success, still lacking!

  • If you’re good at making money…
  • If you’re good at playing the game of “career”…
  • If you are nearing the top of your field…

…then you’ll be tempted to keep doing what you are good at.

I’d encourage you to establish that low-cost base of operations, then try something really challenging…

The highest return investments I made were improving my suitability for marriage and learning how to parent. Most of my learning happened after I was married and my kids were born.

It is never too late to invest in the human capital of your family.

If you get these investments right then you might not notice the benefits. Honestly, a big driver in my life has been a fear of getting divorced again (not-divorced, winning)

Fear that drives positive action is useful.

I’ve been paid by less drama, and less problems (we don’t see all our wins).

I’ve also de-risked some of the challenges my future self will face (companionship, engagement, dementia). Study (the problems of) who you are likely to become.

You’ll notice my portfolio advice (still) doesn’t talk about asset allocation.

This is deliberate!

Asset selection is not the differentiating factor for a life well lived.

  • Marketable skills
  • Low-cost base of operations
  • Fixed-rate mortgage, if you like
  • Target date fund for your future self

Then focus on living your life and creating the friends/family with whom you’d like to share it.

Sunday Summary 6 March 2022

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Training Protocols

Decision Making

When looking at a land war in Europe, I felt it was useful to review the lessons from COVID

  • The folly of prediction
  • The future being unknowable
  • The cognitive cost of rushing (with the crowd) when fearful
  • Human systems, like markets, tend to swing past optimal
  • There is likely to be an on-going crisis for the rest of my life
  • Live my life, do my work, deal with the future when it arrives

Parenting

Wealth & Money

Sunday Summary 27 Feb 2022

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Getting A Better Body

Breaking Free From 9-5

Athletic Performance

Using High Performance Insights

Family

  • Kids & Screens
    • a daily habit of reading, chores and sport
    • know your why
    • my best strategies for kid tech

Building a Family Tradition at Jackson Hole 2022

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A pack of little rippers at the base of the Jackson Hole Tram

One of my 2020 goals was to establish “ski week” as a family tradition. I booked a week in Telluride for each of February and March.

Feb 2020 : Ski Week 1.0 => Everything was going according to plan. The night before we drove through a storm and arrived ready to shred.

Two hours into our powder day, after dropping a double black in style (!), my daughter slipped on a catwalk and fractured her wrist.

We drove home that afternoon.

March 2020 : Ski Week 2.0 => Our trip was blown out by COVID.

I’m not the sort of guy to be put off by setbacks.

I’m patient with execution.

We checked out JHMR last summer.

Feb 2022 : Ski Week 3.0 => Vail, Beaver Creek, Steamboat Springs then Jackson.

A clear day at the top of the Tram. One of the most beautiful places in the world.

“Dad, do these heart-pants make me look like a beginner? I think I need all black.”

We currently have two family traditions, matching Christmas PJs and Christmas in Mexico. Adding Jackson fits with my medium-term goals.

It gives me a forum to relate with my kids in my best environment. I should be able to rip until our youngest is done with high school.

It gives me a forum to expose them to my mentors, Doc J was there.

It gives me a forum to introduce them to younger, role models of outstanding character. Justin Daerr, Ironman Boulder Champ, all around good bro, was along for the week. I’d like to get his wife out for Ski Week 4.0.

The view from my wife’s hotel. We didn’t stay together.

As an athlete, I learned “the first time you go somewhere is usually a hassle.”

This was a reminder to stay put and train… as well as a warning against thinking life is better somewhere else.

The first step is making it work, where you are.

The next step, once it’s working, don’t mess with a streak.

Jackson worked great, eventually.

++

When we arrived, we were greeted by an AirBnB that smelled like stale cigarettes and dog!

My wife and daughter were flying in the next morning.

My son kept asking me… “Are you OK, Daddy?”

I was not OK.

I couldn’t fall asleep.

I got up.

Rather than spending energy assigning blame, I jumped on a travel app and made the problem go away.

I booked a very nice room, slope side.

The bill was large. However, just like I recommend with taxes, I compared the bill to my family net worth… it was manageable. I will remember the lesson, and not miss the money.

My thirst for blame and revenge was replaced by gratitude that I had the insight to make the problem go away.

I slept great, despite the staleness!

Doc J and Me, skinning to the top of Snow King mountain.

Doc J has an athletic wife, kids both older / younger than mine and a family tree where elders live a very long time.

He faces many of the same challenges/concerns as me. Plus, he actually went to med school… 😉

He also has a proven track record of giving me advice that nudges positive change.

He’s a better listener than me.

The list goes on and on…

Daddy Ski Day at Vail – Gore Range out the back – each time I look at those mountains I remember Gary and think about his traverse with Chris

The good doctor is helping me with a project and we are talking about compensation…

You could pay me, but I’m good at earning my own money. What would be better is if you could teach my family in an area where I’m not an expert => finance, money, forms of wealth.

A strategic family relationship, combined with a family tradition, combined with the kids not noticing we are teaching them while they’re having fun.

Similar to bible camp, but we shred.

Justin and my son – hike-to terrain at Steamboat – there will come a time when my lessons are better taught by others – look at the lightness in my son’s stride – that’s bro-joy right there!
Alta Chute 3 – Jackson is an Expert mountain – the next day I was humbled one chute over and got to self-rescue with a boot pack up to my lost ski…
Final event was waffles at Corbett’s Cabin – highly recommended – the non-expert skiers in your party can bail back down the Tram
Free cookies are back at Beaver Creek!
Many other signs of a return to normal living – Jackson had a tolerant, relaxed vibe.

A thought on kids.

You don’t need to be a parent to have a child reflect your inner goodness back to you.

Teaching kids has proven to be a surprising source of strength, and quiet pride, within my life.

In Vail, J’s first skin, ever.
I ran my light setup and was grateful.

It was really nice to spend time with old friends.

Putting my immune system to the test (!) on the Jackson Tram.

Recap:

  • Spending time, and money, in a way that meets the family’s strategic goals of building its human capital.
  • Exposing young family members to various lifestyle options, of friends with strong character.
  • Providing a forum for young people to speak with young adult role models.
  • Listening to the advice of friends who know me well.
Corbett’s // maybe next time
S & S // that ship has sailed

Kids and Spouses

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Christmas in Mexico

I’m going to write this in the context it arises in my life. I have a hunch it applies more broadly. A variation pops up at least once-a-week in casual conversation.

Ten years ago, a wise preschool teacher shared a quote with me. I liked the quote so much, it’s been on my fridge ever since.

If you are triggered about things, or money, then look around for the unmet (childhood) emotional need.

I have used the quote to guide my life for the last ten years.

  • Give time, not money.
  • Share experiences, not spending.

There’s another aspect of the quote… If you run into an adult who’s childhood emotional needs were unmet… assets, and spending, will not fill their void.

The void cannot be filled from the outside. This is an area where we need to heal ourselves.

Go further… to the heart of addictions…

Quite often, the attempt to “be a good provider” for these folks, makes their emotional problems worse. Further, they are going to feel crazy because they will be miserable while surrounding by conventional “success.”

++

Let’s step back from the underlying emotional issues and discuss how parents, and spouses, can guide family spending and investing.

First, we need to sort ourselves.

My spending sets a floor above which everyone will operate. This might sound backwards but it’s my observed reality. My choices anchor “down” everyone around me.

INVERT: constraining myself is less likely to trigger resentment.

I’m the most powerful (spending) role model in my children’s life. I do them a lifelong favor by setting a consumption standard they can easily attain.

++

Second, be brutally honest with yourself… Am I meeting the emotional needs of those around me?

When you are already a good emotional provider, it is very difficult for someone to trigger your need to be a good “financial” provider.

Rather than a high-stakes bargaining session… discussions about money end up closer to a 7th-grade math problem. An example… the ski-place…

  • 20-25 days spread across five resorts
  • Total cost of hotels/airfares ~$15,000
  • Shows the folly of seeking to “save” money in a single location by locking up capital

Clothes => let’s start by wearing everything in our existing wardrobes first

Cars, Furniture, Art => is there a more effective way to scratch this itch?

Recreational assets, out-of-town commitments, 2nd homes => …are you sure you want to give me an incentive to be away from you and the kids?

On and on and on… think past the purchase to overall incentives, habit creation and the impact of repeating the action for the next 5-10 years.

++

Third, the “what are you going to do with the money” argument.

Related to, “but we can afford it…”

Ability to pay is probably the toughest one to control. It’s hard not to spend money in your checking account.

SIDE NOTE: this is a good argument to move cash out of places where it’s easy to spend. This was a (somewhat bizarre) benefit from a choice to STOP earning so much money when I was a young man. Financial success was making it harder to be who I wanted to be.

Here again, pause and consider,

  • What game do my actions show I am playing?
  • What is the game I want to be playing?
  • What game would move us towards “better” five years from now?

If you have kids then these questions usually point towards up-skilling independence via parental investment of TIME, and modeling behavior.

++

Fourth, after you’ve done 1-2-3. Sit down and talk it over with the key people in your life.

If you are unable to convince them then have the humility to consider the possibility (albeit remote) you may be wrong!

In family systems, I’ve found it’s better to wait for a consensus to arrive than pulling rank.

Bonus: slower decisions are usually better decisions.

++

Finally, related to the what will you do with the money discussion…

If you are focused on sharing time with the one’s you love then, hopefully, you will favor “experiences with them” over “making more money for them.”

Trustees, entrepreneurs, managers, exemplars, fiduciaries, parents, students, citizens…

We care for what we’ve been gifted by circumstances and pass it on.

++

As a package, incorporating this process into your life results in a better allocation of time AND capital.

The expectation “we each take care of ourselves” is a good one. Even better when the parents model the behaviors required, and pass along the skills required to pull it off.

Let’s pull it together…

  • Sort myself first
  • When triggered, pause and look for the unmet emotional need
  • Smart leaders set the anchor with intention => I anchor those around me via my effort, personal standards, emotional control and personal spending.
  • Within family systems, remember my role is to meet emotional needs while teaching/modeling how to be self-sufficient financially.
  • Have the humility to see: (a) when helping-isn’t-helping; and (b) my own capacity for error.