My daughter goes to a preschool where most of the parent/teacher community is Buddhist. They share my respect for tolerance and a caution for getting bogged down in dogma. Last night they offered a class on contemplative parenting and I attended.

When I attend a seminar, my goal is to find one thing that I can apply, immediately, in my life. Last night I learned several so have the added bonus of a blog post to share!

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Each session starts with everyone saying a few words about how things are going.

This marks a change from the typical “who I am” introductions, which focus on the past or the future.

Tell us a little bit about how things are going and how your kids are doing right now…

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To be effective as employees, negotiators, athletes, spouses or parents… we need to be present. If “present” sounds new-agey to you then what they are talking about is not allowing the normal stresses of life to clutter up our minds. For me, this requires:

• Sleep
• Nutrition
• Exercise
• Gradual removal of clutter, both in the minds of people with whom I associate, and in my physical surroundings (traffic, urban noise, living space).

To be effective parents we need to get our own lives (and minds) in order. Very similar to performance psychology in business and athletics – the Buddhists were speaking my language!

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Children have a fundamental need to belong. Effective parenting taps into this need via a mix of boundaries and inspiration.

Young children can gain a sense of belonging via objects – Daddy’s watch; a colorful piece of paper; sharing a meal, getting a clean diaper for brother. This object focus also explains the attraction of dolls, bandaids, blankets… that I see in my daughter.

Parent/child conflict comes when the ability to belong is blocked, or threatened. To be effective in meeting this conflict, we need to be present and free from the influence of our own fears.

As Dad, my capacity to be effective is related directly to the amount of fatigue I am experiencing as well as being free from the perception of time pressure.

The choice, to be less tired and less busy, is difficult to make because it triggers a fear of being less successful. External success is attractive to my ego (winning races, earning money, relative performance).

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Practical Tips

To create empathy ask the child what sort of face it creates when…

• What sort of face does your brother make when you hit him?
• What sort of face does Mommy make when you hug her?

Scaffolding love onto others…

• Helping care for a younger sibling – changing a diaper, feeding, cleaning
• Seeing parents involved in helping others – volunteer work

Adjust behavior in yourself that you want the kids to emulate:

• Loudness
• Automatic reactions
• Neglecting our own needs to the point of exhaustion
• Kindness in word and action
• Respect

Create self-confidence by providing a safe environment for independent success.

Pause, start small and follow up.

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While the class was directed at parenting, the advice was applicable across all aspects of my life. I enjoy tips I can apply across the board.

Following up on last week, I’ve shed enough stuff to feel like I’ve made progress. By the time the dust settles, it will have taken:

• Seven dumpster loads
• A pick-up truck full of gear to an eBay store
• Two van loads of donated clothing
• Sending one hundred pounds of papers to a shredding service

I’ve yet to tackle our kitchen, our garage or our kid-krap. These areas are emotionally charged so I’ll need to review the ZenHabits tips!

Clearing out highlights the money spent on items that I don’t use any more.

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Last week, I alluded to making changes for the benefit of my family. I’m going to call bullsh*t on myself and point out that anything I do for them, I’m really doing for myself. I’ll explain further.

We might view it as more noble to teach our children, rather than knock out training camps in the tropics – but the reality is we’re making choices either way.

In my 30s, I fluked into combining unknown athletic talents with the time to exploit them. I decided to pursue triathlon for a year and it changed my life, quite by accident. There wasn’t any conscious choice to become a great athlete – the decision was to leave a polluted place (Hong Kong) and settle in a pristine place (New Zealand). Once there, I gave myself the luxury of doing what I wanted (traithlon training).

The change that I’m creating this time is more deliberate but similar in that I’m create space to do what I want to do right now (love, write, teach). There will be benefits for my family but the primary driver is being the person that I want to be. My choices are driven by my self-image.

My attraction to coaching flows from a desire to help others and a realization that continual accumulation is empty. The desire to help others and the emptiness of financial accumulation is what drove me to leave private equity. Elite finance is often about helping yourself.

A rarely discussed paradox of coaching is the best coaches spend far more time with other people’s kids than their own. It was a point made at the ASCA conference that I attended in 2001 – my Dick Jochums Notes are worth a read.

In my current line of work (coaching working athletes), many people spend far more time with other people’s spouses than their own. This choice carries material risks to the health of one’s marriage. Choose wisely.

As I’ve aged, my goals have become less inwardly directed. These days, my competitive spirit flashes more often than it burns. My missions:

• Help people through my writing
• Teach my kids how I experience the world
• Experience love with my wife

I know that my kids will be in grade school when I’m 50 and this phase of my life will be done. Having an end date makes it easier to cope when three-year-olds are bouncing around the house when they should be sleeping!

Once again, I’m tempted to choose the road less travelled.