Tag Archives: family values

True Wealth – Building A Family System

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I gave my crypto post a retweet yesterday

The post isn’t about crypto.

The post is about deciding where not to focus.

The post contains a filter:

1/. Will “this” make a difference?

2/. Will “not-this” make a difference?

“Family” is a 20+ year project that made a difference.

Like any big project – it is daunting at the beginning.

Many people fail to take the first step because they lack confidence in their ability to complete the task.

The first step was “me”

One of my favorite filters has to do with selecting a home base.

Live Where You Don’t Need To Leave

Applies to more than our hometowns

It applies to our careers, our home lives, our relationships

Let’s go even deeper

Be someone I’m not trying to escape.

  • the way I act
  • what I say
  • what I write
  • what I think
  • how I want to be in the world

I started with with “say” and “write”.

  • Write about the person I want to be.
  • Stop talking about the things I didn’t want to be.

I was seeking to change patterns in my life

Patterns that led to my divorce – patterns that led to my current situation.

I wanted to be more like the person I wanted to attract into my life

  • Athletic
  • Kind
  • Calm

Maybe, your list is different.

Write it down.

Know where you’re trying to go.

From my Rich Roll podcast

I knew if I didn’t marry this woman then it would be greatest mistake of my life.

Getting married is the easy part.

We’re planting a seed, attending a party, everybody likes to get married.

Building a marriage, however, requires effort over time.

Effort at overcoming ourselves, our pasts and, sometimes, unhelpful family habits.

++

One of the first lessons I learned in Private Equity, concession for concession.

Makes one an effective negotiator, screws up a family system.

Why?

Two main reasons

  1. Leaders do more than their share. To properly direct a team, we need to earn it.
  2. We never see all the work done by our teammates. If I think the work split is “fair” then, odds are, I’m not doing enough.

Fundamentally, I see marriage as an agreement to face the world, together.

It’s going to require both parties to put “together” first.

It can take a while to get used to this new way of thinking.

You have plenty of time.

Hopefully, a very long time.

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Embracing an “attitude of no escape” will help you make the changes required for success.

Create a family where you don’t need to leave.

Lean into your difficulties.

My biggest problems led to my most meaningful solutions.

Linked Articles

Three Tips for Playing Your Best Game

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Above, my 2000 landing page

All the world-class players I know, take their game very seriously!

This attitude runs from life-and-death situations (combat, medicine) through to less lethal environments… say, lane etiquette at the track / pool.

OUR game is IMPORTANT

It could very well be.

Let’s explore for a moment.

First Tip : What do my ACTIONS say about the game I am actually playing?

How about ten years living like these guys?

If you survive then you will be a phenomenal athlete.

That’s how you play the “endurance athlete game”

NVDP – similar game, similar approach

All Domains => BIG survivor bias in the winners

Special people, challenging to integrate into a family system.

The high-performance game is a young person’s game.

Why?

Meaningful relationships outside your domain are impossible (think NFL Quarterbacks, Grand Tour Winners).

Second Tip: Connection is the central ‘problem’ of aging

The reason high-performers keep coming back…

  • They can’t find the answer in their domain…
  • And we’re all telling them how great they are…
  • So they keep plugging on…
  • Until their lives fall apart

I had the rug pulled out on my life, too.

It was a good thing.

I started asking myself better questions.

We are free, at any time, to change direction.

Is my game solving the central problem facing my future self?

Have I even thought about this question?

Third Tip: Knowing “What We Don’t Want” Is Easier

When you hear the voice, “this isn’t where I need to be.”

Listen

Our true needs are simple.

Too often I fall prey to lifestyle inflation (here & here) and showing off.

Not only is that game impossible to win, it will take me somewhere I didn’t, and don’t, want to go.

As a young person, the first values we notice are the “not for me” choices of our peers.

So, if you start journalling, lower the stakes.

The game of life is ever changing.

What’s right for you today, will change over time.

Maybe, you’ll find a life partner and agree to face change together.

I have complete confidence you’ll figure it out

I say to my kids.

We’d figure it out, together.

Same reassuring mantra, different target => my wife

Our lives, our paths, our friendships, and our marriages…

only need to make sense to us

The voice we hear in our diaries, the themes that reoccur in our writings – that’s who we need to be faithful to.

If we don’t choose with intention then we get the default set of values of our parents, our peers, or our surroundings.

Own your game.

What do my actions say about the game I am really playing?

Where is this likely to take me?

Six Mantras to Cut Drama in Half

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Every day, we make a choice : Drama or Peace

Because the mantras are different than how many of us were raised, they take a little getting used to.

  1. It Is OK to Say No
  2. All Family is Optional
  3. We Can Handle The Truth
  4. Talk Like Everyone Is In The Room
  5. We’ve Already Won
  6. Everyone Speaks, or not

Think about them in the context of the last unforced error you made.

What the mantras have in common is they lower the temperature.

  • By removing a feeling of obligation, we reduce resentment.
  • By acknowledging truth can be uncomfortable, we remove the burden of hidden lives and carrying secrets.
  • By constraining our words to what we’d say to someone’s face, we are more careful and considerate.
  • By acknowledging the benefits of our current position, we stay focused on living well.
  • By allowing everyone to contribute, we slow decision making and reduce the capacity of a single person, or a single moment, to derail us.

Pay attention to the one you think is the most difficult.

Choose Peace

Teaching Needs vs Wants

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This is an excellent exercise to “break the ice” at family get-together.

Start by asking a question…

What is living well?

Everyone brainstorms ideas for 10-15 minutes, or in advance.

Then, everyone gets a chance to share their answers.

While each individual shares, have the group agree:

  • to stay quiet
  • to make notes if they are having trouble staying quiet
  • to write down the best ideas they hear

After everyone has shared.

  • Get a white board
  • One-by-one
  • Share a great idea

Our summary list below.

I played this game with my kids (10, 11, 14).

They had some really good ideas!

How a 10 yo sees Living Well

In the middle of the list…

Focusing on what you need not what you want

Needs are much easier to fill than wants.

In fact, the definition of our wants is they can rarely be satisfied.

The observation (of a child) led us quite nicely into the next discussion.

Without telling the kids what the numbers were

  • We flipped the white board
  • I read out monthly cash burn, in round thousands
  • We stacked the numbers (Jan to Sept)
  • Each kid added up the numbers
  • We grossed up to a full year projection (multiply by 4/3)

They were surprised at the family burn rate.

We flipped back to the list and asked ourselves…

How much money is required to live well?

My list has been the same for a very long time.

2012 Version

I walked them through my definition of living well.

We ended with a reminder

Talking about family money, outside the family, can create unnecessary issues (for them, and me)

I asked them for an example and they came up with Muffy from Arthur – if you know the kids’ show then you’ll know they picked an excellent example.

…and I left it at that.

Sunday Summary 23 October 2022

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Top Threads

Endurance Training Tips

High-Performance Habits

14 Years Old

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I was looking through my phone to find pictures for our daughter’s birthday card.

In 2022, I noticed we’d hadn’t done much together, other than train and drive in my car!

13 proved to be a turning point.

When I pointed this out to her, and said I’d like her to join various family trips we have planned…

I could tell she had her own priorities and goals.

Not sure how much I’m going to see of her.

The plan, all along, has been to equip her with the skills for a self-directed life.

++

I’m finishing up a great book called Happy, by Derren Brown

One of my favorite insights is his observation… parents can’t help but pass their unrealized ambitions to their children.

I looked around:

  • An oldest daughter who swims (with an eye on the highest levels)
  • A son who wants to be a doctor

It’s a useful insight.

You can see it everywhere – my doctor pals have sons who want to be athletes!

++

Darren’s book goes further and talks about anti-ambition.

What we NEVER want to be.

I’m sure I’ve given them some of those!

The path to resist against.

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My next realization…

She’s done with me in 1,000 days.

I was 17 when I arrived at McGill University.

Hung with myself, mostly, for the next decade!

We’ve moved into the 1,000 day countdown for pretty-much-on-her-own.

++

So, what to do.

#1 – Congratulate her on becoming a wonderful young woman. She’s far exceeded my expectations, an absolute star.

#2 – Ask her what level of time commitment she thinks she should make to the family. What’s the minimum?

#3 – Continue to support her journey through the process of becoming an independent woman.

…and help her with the process of figuring out where she wants to take her life.

Raising Fit Kids

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Towards a Self-Directed Life

They say we should teach about subjects where we don’t need notes.

Fit kids is that subject for me.

  • Our kids are 10, 11 and 14
  • We live in one of the fittest zip codes in America
  • Our kids are competitive in whatever they set their minds on
  • Most importantly, they are happy, engaged and a core part of every team they join
  • We’ve been raising them with intent, since before they were born

I threaded the outline for the video last Friday.

Winning means NOTHING if you lose the relationship.

Children carry an embedded option for the most common challenges of aging

  • something to do
  • someone to share experiences with
  • someone to love

Don’t blow it by being a bozo (at the game)

If the family has a special sport, swimming for us, then think in terms of minimum weekly frequency

None of our kids had to “be a swimmer” – all they needed to do was swim a little bit

Every. Single. Week.

Touch the water, once a week, since they could stand up

5-8 hours a week of jumping, climbing, twisting, spinning – All Summer Long

Very Consistently Undertrained

Our kids have done a lot since they were little.

What they have not done is specialize in a specific niche, or train like an adult.

I’ve also been careful to match my encouragement to the way the kid likes to train

  • Long days
  • Fast days
  • Mix of days

The kids decide what and how much – my role is to up-skill and keep it fun.

Ironman Finish – more than 11,000 days after I was born

10,000 Days

From the time a child stands up…

…to realizing their maximum adult potential

About 10,000 days

Longer in my case!

Several important realities flow from this timeline:

  • We control less than half of those days!
  • We don’t even control what we think we control – for example, effort at practice
  • It will not be the parents’ call – without a deep love of exercise, the kids are DONE as soon as they get out of the house, sometimes before!
The most important relationship in a child’s life is the quality of their parents’ marriage
Choose coaches, and mentors, based on the quality of their non-athletic lives

What Do We Control?

  • Modeling Personal Excellence
  • How our children see our marriage and other relationships
  • Sleep & Nutrition Habits
Spending my time, and giving my attention, to create a link between Fun and Work

Leave Room To Load Later

  • Middle School
  • High School
  • The Collegiate Level

None are a final destination!

Give the athlete somewhere to go when they leave you.

Being a badass breeds confidence – this impacts everything

Start With The End In Mind

Where do you want the athlete to be when they are done with their competitive career?

  • Resilient
  • Courageous
  • Persistent
  • Healthy
  • Enthusiastic

Use sport as a vehicle to teach these traits.

Start today!

Keep these traits front of mind when you’re tempted to make it about winning.

A teacher’s job is to fill the world with positive memories for the student to carry forward

Sunday Summary 11 September 2022

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Top Threads

  1. Building a Metabolic Edge – Eat Like A Hobbit
  2. My favorite Training Zones Resources
  3. My network on Road vs TT Frames
  4. Loading Tips from my summer talking with Johan
  5. Lessons From Last Week’s Training

Endurance Training Tips

High Performance Habits

Four Thousand Weeks : Time Management for Mortals

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Learning to neglect the right things

The Premise : At best, we get 4000 weeks to live our lives.

80 years * 50 weeks a year = 4000 weeks

The Reality : Embrace our limits because we will not have time for everything.

There’s much more than the premise contained inside – very strong recommendation for a lesson in better thinking.

Easily actionable items from the book – because we will not be able to do everything, we need to neglect, many things, with intent.

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Closed & Open “To Do” Lists

Closed To Do List is allowed a maximum of three items at a time.

Within the items, set them up as incremental steps.

I’ll illustrate…

“File my taxes” – never happens

Break it down…

  1. Download tax software
  2. Enter my personal data
  3. Enter my income

One of those items on the “to do” list at a time, with an appointment in your calendar to get it done.

Another example: “Write my book” – never happens

Break it down…

  1. Tweet Every Day
  2. Thread engaged tweets by theme
  3. Viral Themes into Blogs
  4. Write Outline for Book
  5. Create Rough Draft from Blogs

Here’s the clincher…

Every other great idea goes into the Open To Do List – for me it is an exercise book.

I’ve been filling them for 30+ years.

This is the stuff that’s probably never going to happen!

It’s OK because…

The purpose of your Open List is to free your mind to focus on your Top Three.

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Done List

The single greatest confidence building tool I found as a coach.

  • I would have my athlete get a small composition book.
  • Each time something good happened, or a task was completed, make an entry in the book.

Review nightly, before bed.

++

Stop While You Are Enjoying The Process

Not easy to do.

We often have the urge to press on.

Remember that success is a multi-year process.

Like a houseguest that overstays their welcome… don’t commit so much to a task

  • that you avoid starting next time
  • that the light goes out of the activity
  • that you lose your creative spark
  • that you forget why you started in the first place

A little bit of progress… every day… for many days!

++

The best part is not the self-help tips.

The best part is the author’s philosophy of time.

The “4000 Weeks” themselves.

The weeks, our lives, are far less than 4000.

A bit dark!

Facing this truth points towards freedom.

Freedom from the impossible standards we place on ourselves.

  • An elite athletic career? 150-300 weeks
  • Time with your young wife before kids? 0-200 weeks
  • A college degree? 125-150 weeks

Life is a series of relatively short blocks of time.

Misery comes from seeking to hurry through what is already a temporary situation.

Much more, including 10 Tools and 5 Questions

  1. Might discomfort help?
  2. Do my standards reflect reality, or are they simply making me miserable?
  3. Am I trying to become something I’m not?
  4. Where am I holding myself back?
  5. What would I do if I didn’t need to see the final outcome?

Two final points:

  1. Worry has never altered outcome
  2. Hardly anyone can persist for 150 weeks

Choose Wisely.

Figuring It Out

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Dad, a little before I came on the scene

My Dad and I have a weekly call.

On the call, we try to figure things out.

We joke that we have been having the same conversation for years.

We get a lot out of our conversation, even if there are recurring themes!

After hundreds of calls, I’ve figured some things out:

The energy I spend planning for the future is wasted. The future that arrives is always different than expected.

I keep fooling myself that buying something will make my life better. Thankfully, I have a system to slow my ability to act on my feelings.

Time shows us what better looks like. The actions that actually make my life better have been the same for a very long time.

Do what needs to be done. Do the actions. That is it. Enjoy the actions!

There’s no more to be attained. One of the reasons I left finance was I had taken enough from society. Ironically, I got the idea from Warren Buffett. I pulled the pin at 31, Warren’s 91 and still rolling.

My life only needs to make sense to me. Warren might be right.

Consider Declaring Victory! When you arrive where you were trying to get to… before pushing onwards… stop, look around and ask, “Is there anything I can learn from the experience?“

Apply the best advice, from those who know you well. When Dad turned 60 he told me to “create roots”. I was newly married, at the peak of my athletic career (36) and living between Bermuda, Scotland, Australia and the US. A few years later, I moved to my wife’s hometown and stayed put.

Cautious optimism beats pessimism every single time. Keep what works, change slowly.