Class Dojo – Promoting Good Behavior

classdojo

One of our friends is a school teacher and set Lex up on Class Dojo. She created a class “Lexi” and shared the log-in with Monica and me.

It’s a simple system of positives/negatives. Each time Lex hits “10” she gets a treat. With the same log-in ID, we can access from all our our phones.

I got a little carried away with the negatives at the beginning and had to change my scoring focus. I target nine positives for each negative.

During the main transitions that I manage (drive to school and bedtime) I run through the positives that she has earned recently. I’m trying to remind her of those behaviors. Getting dressed, seat belts, pajamas, playroom clean up, kind to brother…

I also put myself into her class so she can “beat me” with her behavior. Perhaps we need to loosen the standards for Daddy Byrn. I’ve been at one point for over a week…

Creating A Peaceful Home

To change a habit with my wife and kids, I need to change that habit with everyone.

For example, to break a habit of snapping at other people, I need to remove that response from every single aspect of my life. That’s quite challenging!

If you’re a “yeller” then you won’t stop yelling at your kids until you manage to stop yelling at everyone. Also, many of us are yelling at people that can’t, or don’t, defend themselves. To break the cycle of yelling, it helps to drill down to the true source of our anger (often the past or ourselves).

Sometimes I can’t find the source of the yelling, and have to live with it. Here’s an example from last month. I don’t yell at anyone but, for much of March, there was a voice yelling in my head, mainly at my spirited daughter. I’ve managed to train myself not to express what’s going on in my head so there were times when a silent scream would be triggered each time I saw my little girl. Some of the things I “said” in my head were not very nice!

Having one of my kids act as a stress trigger is a tough situation, as I can’t use my typical strategy of avoidance! I’ve been trying to relax my mind by focusing on the temporary nature of the noise I experience with her. Knowing that there is an ending to every interaction helped calm me down.

I looked deeply and realized that being upset with my daughter had become a habit that was independent of her behavior – even when she was great, the internal battle raged in my mind. There were situations where I wanted her to misbehave to give me an opening to vent. It’s a very good thing that the habits of non-violence and harmony pre-date fatherhood! In the end, I removed myself for a few days, to travel to India for a wedding, and that emptied my mind of the noise.

Coming back to my original goal to speak kindly to my spouse and kids – we need to cultivate kindness with all our interactions. “Kindness to all” being the requirement to deliver “thoughtful speech” to our wives and kids. As I mentioned above, I can train myself to appear calm when there is a storm raging in my mind! It’s not a requirement to be peaceful inside to have a peaceful home (but I’m sure it helps).

I’ll share an idea from Gordon Livingston. Focus on treating people that can’t defend themselves better, for example service people. From that habit, extend towards treating everyone better. Under stress, nobody is good at remembering to treat one category of people better than another.

These habits are also a great way to lower blood pressure without the use of medication. I can see how internalized rage would be bad for one’s health.

When I find myself falling short, I remember that I can’t correct the person I was, but I can correct the person I am. My short comings become inspiration to keep trying for incremental progress.

Gratitude and Inspiration

I’m writing from a hotel room in India. My last trip to India was September 2000 and I went back to read about that trip, a whacky board meeting in Mumbai.

To appreciate my good fortune, there is nothing as effective as a trip through Asia. My life in Boulder compares very favorably to the best that Asia has to offer. Time spent in China and India put the ‘hardships’ of the West into perspective. I am very fortunate.

On the flight over, I read Towards a Meaningful Life. Although I was raised Catholic, my kids are Jewish by birth and we’ve been discussing their spiritual and religious education. The book, written generally, covers the spiritual aspects of Judaism and was recommended as an introductory text. The book contains chapters about a father’s role and provided inspiration to improve my game!

Another source of recent inspiration has been James Altucher’s Blog. Somewhere in his archives was a mood management tip to create a gratitude list. On many levels, feelings of gratitude are good for me.

As a novice coach (2000), I used gratitude to help athletes improve their self-image. We’d get a small notebook and, each night, write three good things about the day. The idea was to start a habit of positive thinking. In addition to the nighttime technique, the athlete would add items across the day when she noticed that she was in a good mental state.

Of late, certain aspects of being a father were getting to me. Even when my daughter was behaving great, I wasn’t enjoying her. I realized that it was time to heal myself. So I created a Gordo Gratitude List in google.

Here’s what I’ve noticed:

Gratitude has a physical sensation – I experience a release around my heart when I feel grateful. It feels very similar to love.

Writing in my list leaves a mental marker for the experience of gratitude.

Returning to my list, lets me return to the physical sensation. Reading the words triggers a physical memory in my body.

The more I trigger the sensation, the more natural it becomes. Seems that gratitude is a free, pleasurable habit.

As you’ll see from my list, most of my triggers are simple items. One of my favorites is “almonds and cashews.” Since starting my list, I get a little hit from each nut. This gives me an incentive to eat more slowly – always a good thing!

If you tend towards pessimism (which you’ll tell yourself is merely realism) then a gratitude list can improve your life experience.

Cultivating gratitude at home is a lot easier to achieve than scheduling a trip through the Third World, which I also recommend.

A Secret To Freeing Yourself From Guilt

Early in my marriage I went to a mental conditioning expert to ask him about ‘training guilt.’

We played a game of ‘why’…

I feel guilty when I’m training
Why?
Because I think I should be with my wife
Why?
Because we’re married
Why?
Because I love her
Why?
Because she makes me want to be a better man

The idea of the game is to keep drilling down until you get to the root of the concern.

In my case it was a mixture of love for my wife, fear of letting her down and fear of failure in my (second) marriage.

Once we drilled down to the source, we decided that I’d share everything with my wife and agree that she’d let me know her needs.

Our marriage has a credo: we talk about things before they become an issue.

This had an interesting effect by reframing my training as a gift from my wife, rather than a need that was in conflict with my marriage. The season that followed was one of my best years for training and recovery.

The technique (of self-discovery followed by disclosure) worked so well that I brought it into my work life. I trust my colleagues to let me know their needs. This saves tremendous time because I don’t spent time working on things that aren’t essential to them.

The flip side of this trust is an obligation on me. I need to share my needs with the people that are close to me.

A combination of openness, and trust, is liberating. As the owner of an active imagination, I can waste time and energy on matters that only matter, or even exist, in my head.

By trusting people to tell you what’s important, you will save a ton of energy and guilt turns into a source of self-awareness.

Courageous, Uplifting, Funny or Useful

Each Wednesday at 11am, my wife and I lift weights. Hitting “the big steel” is a time-effective way for us to check in with each other.

This week, I blasted myself with leg press (525 lbs, not bad for a skinny guy), pull ups and front squats. So I was very relaxed during our post session coffee break. Very gently, she let me know that my writing had been a little heavy. Readers would have noticed a month-long purgue of everything that’s been on my mind.

A kite-surfing buddy had sent me a note to similar effect earlier in the week. Generally speaking, he has a rule against offering advice but he bent his rule to send me three words, “let it go.”

I have a rule that when two close friends tell me something…

…pause, consider and pay attention.

A quick review of my drafts folder made me laugh out loud. Here’s what’s in the hopper:

  • Anabolic steroids
  • Anger management
  • Death
  • Benefits of higher education
  • Emotional blindness
  • Making money from leverage
  • Making serious money (from other people’s money)
  • Tax reform
  • Mitt’s IRA
  • Becoming emotionally untouchable
  • Screwing up my son
  • Feminine Beauty
  • Gordo’s gratitude list
  • How I lost $20,000,000
  • Overcoming guilt
  • Family strategic review template
  • Problems of the elderly
  • Coping with successful friends
  • Happy toddlers
  • How to give a time out
  • Gangsters and frauds
  • Difficult conversations
  • Conditional love
  • New, old, ancient, nature
  • Embracing volatility
  • Travel and tribalism
  • The free-est man I know

I might have to postpone publication of a few topics!

She said, “hey, it’s spring and it’s been a tough winter. I want to be uplifted. See if you can help me out.”

I’ve often said that we can use our (super)powers for good, or for evil. She’s asking me to help-a-sister-out. I’ve been hitting her, and you, with a lot of serious stuff.

As a parent, I shoot for nine positive interactions for each correction I need to give my daughter. People stop listening if we go all negative.

So for April, I’m going to give it a shot. Courageous, uplifting, funny or useful.

I’m also going to take a break from pro cycling and the twitter feeds of the haters. I’ve been dipping into the feeds of the angry – seems that this is not good for me (especially when my training volume is low).

To offer moral support, my wife’s taking a month off Facebook.

Now off to ride on a beautiful day in Boulder.