I started researching behavioral psychology to make better investment decisions and, therefore, more money. Once I realized that money wasn’t my ultimate goal, I applied my knowledge towards coping with my daughter.

Kids test our patience and I have caught myself shifting into a conflict mindset – rewards, punishments, dominance, rule enforcement. These methods are ineffective and wear everyone out.

Balanced against conflict management, I’ve observed that my daughter is no different from myself – she likes activity to manage her energy, tasty snacks, acceptance and love. Looking deeply, I can see a path away from conflict towards sharing things we both like.

So rather than conditioning her to my arbitrary rules, I’ve been figuring out how to create a weekly schedule that she can repeat.

She’s a very focused little girl – I’ve been tracking how much time Monica and I spend with her, rather than each other. She’s got me at least 4:1 with my own wife!

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Bedtimes have been a focus for me as I found myself dreading them.  As well, when I travelled, Monica was exhausted by dealing with them solo. I spent time considering my daughter’s motivation and needs (as well as my own).

There are six things that need to happen:

• Brush teeth
• Go to bathroom
• Pajamas
• Read Book
• Drink Milk
• My Exit

At the beginning, it was a battle and bedtimes were taking up to 90 minutes – so I worked backwards and started by 8:30 pm. That removed the time pressure on me because I know that I’ll get enough sleep.

When my daughter hasn’t spent time with me, she has a clear incentive to maximize the duration of this process. Why? It’s her only time with me! When I am in town, I remove this incentive by spending an afternoon and evening with her. I also make it clear that I will be around in the morning to see her.

Given that I want her to calm down, I need to calm myself.

Other than a few elite buddies, my daughter is one of the higher-strung females in my life. I realized that my role was to teach her to relax – rather than submit to an arbitrary schedule. When she goes off, I sit cross-legged in the middle of her room and relax.

I keep the routine exactly the same each night, sit in the same spot in the room, and wait calmly for her. Then we read a book and I teach her how to breathe while lying beside her in bed. The first few times I did this I realized that she was panting – the conflict method wasn’t good for either of us!

I’ve cut the time in half but, most importantly, I’m not stressed after my exit. A 90-minute battle is the absolute worst thing for my own sleep. It was taking me an hour to chill out from ninety minutes of (ineffective) parenting!

Interestingly, my daughter has a complete inability to maintain (manufactured) rage in the face of me telling her that I love her. Genuine love is a powerful relaxant.

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I’m sure somebody taught me all of this during a win-win negotiation course.

• Remove time pressure
• Understand the motivation of the other party
• Meet their needs first
• Reduce anxiety via routine and calming our own reactions
• Focus on desired outcome

When my kids test my patience, I remember that if they died then every single minute of my life with them would become my most cherished memories. An extreme tactic, for sure, but one that reminds me to enjoy my brief time with my little girl.

No matter how difficult, there’s no way that I will regret spending time with my kids. What I needed to do was improve the process for my experiencing self.

Video link for you that covers the underlying psychology I am applying with the little people in my house (20 minutes).

I thought I finish this series on parenthood with observations on the differences between the approach moms and dads have to their kids. As parents, Monica and I benefit from accepting, and respecting, the approach of the other parent.

Daddy Day Care – below is a flowchart for how I manage the kids.

As you can imagine, a trip to the bike park with Daddy involves a lot more action than swimming with Mom. I’ve managed to train Lex to laugh at the majority of her crashes.

Behavioral Modification – not sure if you read the NYT article on the French-style of parenting. I did and it made perfect sense to me. I don’t nag, I don’t raise my voice and I don’t worry about being popular. Here’s what I do…

Lex can never call my bluff because I’m never bluffing. As a result, there’s a lot of stuff that I let slide and, frankly, I’m glad that Monica has her approach. We’re a good team.

Quality Time – One of the things that I didn’t understand for my first few years as “dad” was why my wife gets so happy about the time that I spend with the kids. Given my flow chart, you wouldn’t be surprised to learn that my main concern when I’m not with my kids is that they are safe. A mother has an entire range of considerations that she’s making all-the-time about the kids. While I think there’s value in being able to switch off – Monica’s not wired that way.

I’ve come to accept that one of the best things I can do for my marriage is spend time with our kids. Great news that Lex likes to ride!

Related to my point above, I’ve noticed that the only time that Monica doesn’t feel slightly guilty about the amount of time that she spends with the kids is when she’s exhausted from spending time with the kids… 

As a father, I see it as imperative that I keep myself in reserve in case a situation becomes serious and I need to step-up (see flowchart #1). While I don’t experience time-guilt emotions, I’m sensitive to the fact that they are very real for Monica. Recently, I’ve been stepping up with our daughter to get a double-whammy of quality time with her, while Monica spends time with our son.

Be aware, however, that Daddy-Time is a distant second for many kids. I’m only effective with our daughter when her Mommy-Time needs are met and she knows that she’ll get a mommy-top-up later. I’m second in the hierarchy but that’s OK as I don’t need to be #1.

Releasing myself from my need to “be right” has reduced my desire to change my wife and enabled us to find a parenting approach that works for both of us.

I’m pacing myself for the long haul.

In his first book Lance makes the observation that, in some ways, training to win the Tour de France is easier than being a parent. I’m sure many athletic parents can relate to the honesty of his statement.

Only a few can make a career out of sport but many parents use their careers (or sport) as a haven from the seemingly relentless demands of parenting. With two young children in my house, I have tremendous empathy for people that create an outlet for themselves. 

The lack of sufficient self-expression can lead to mental health complications. I’ve seen angry Dads and depressed Moms, suffering from losing touch with what brings joy to their lives.

In October 2010, I touched on understanding what brings joy to our lives. Today, I’m going to share two techniques that have been helpful with living alongside a demanding, and strong-willed, little girl. At her most challenging, she reminds me exactly of myself!

Regular Breaks – If I spend too much time with my kids then I’m exhausted and appear miserable. I write “appear miserable” because I don’t remember being miserable, or feel particularly unhappy. However, Monica says I look absolutely miserable and it isn’t fun to live with a spouse that appears sad.

I’ve come to realize that misery is removed by regular breaks and ensuring that I’m not exhausted. Limiting exhaustion is challenging (see last week) but simple. Sleep enough and don’t wreck myself.

Between work and personal travel I’m away a week a month. If I go more than a month without some form of exercise-related trip then I feel my mood deteriorate. This realization has led me to race far less often so I can do more of what makes me happy (training trips).

Previously, I had jobs that required a lot of work-related travel. As much as possible, I would underschedule my trips. My travel time (on planes) was left open so I could relax. Getting to a position where you control your own schedule is highly desirable for mental health and high performance.

My wife has told me that she’d rather I stay away for an extra day than come home exhausted. While it’s tempting to extend my trips – learning to moderate my output for a couple days at the end of a trip is more mature, and valuable.

Seize Common Ground – I have a fear that my kids will become skiers and bankrupt the family. The reality is, not surprisingly, they gravitate towards what they see us doing. Our daughter loves to swim with mom and ride her bike with Dad. She also enjoys touring in the bike trailer and I discovered that dragging 60 pounds behind my mountain bike is an outstanding workout!

Do you understand your personal happiness psychology? My psychology is geared towards future pay offs – preparing for a race, working on a consulting project, creating a business, investing and building personal fitness. 

Creating a plan to help my daughter become a proficient cyclist fits my life psychology perfectly! When I am chasing her around the bike park, I feel that every minute invested will yield a future return (and that makes me happy).

What I recommend is to share what brings you joy. Keep in mind that having your personal pit crew may not be your family’s idea of fun! Odd are, if you prefer to be an active participant than your kids will share that trait.

The alternative from building your family into your life, is living with an increasing longing to leave your life. Being surrounded by people with unmet emotional needs creates a cycle of increasing demands, conflict and disharmony.

Avoidance and divorce can be structured in socially acceptable ways – I have been careful to make sure that life is never my “fault”. However, my issues just followed me around.

Summing up

• Daily, weekly, monthly create space for yourself. I’ve created a life with a minimum of an hour per day, a day per week and a week per month.
• When your family gives you an opportunity to share your passion – take it.

So much easier than trying to win races – I wish I figured it out years ago!

At the beginning of March, I wrote about internal and external motivation. The combination of motivation and persistence (with ability) is what generates success. Success then sets up positive reinforcement of additional effort and persistence.

The challenge of moving through a transitional phase (like fatherhood) is a desire to follow past models for success. This week, I will share some tactics that have helped with my own transition.

My ever expanding family acts as a catalyst to help me focus on:

• My goals for the core aspects of my life (marriage, kids, professional, self)
• My desired outcome when faced with challenging situations
• Saying no to myself, and others, to create space to achieve goals and outcomes

Before I was married, my capacity to strip away and create a sole focus served me well. It was easy for me to create long periods of serenity in my life. With my life filling up with dependents, periods of serenity have become more valuable.

Over the winter, I asked myself what I could give up to create space. I’m going to share my list but the real value is knowing your own list.

Over the last year, the following have gone:

• Sold my most visible self-indulgence, my SportsMobile
• Cleared out my race schedule so I could spend more time with my athletic friends – one of the ironies of racing is how little time we spend with our buddies on the course
• Ditched running so that I could ride more – it’s more enjoyable to be a superior masters cyclist than an undertrained triathlete. Solo rides are serene and cycling is my main interaction with my buddies.
• Invited a friend to partner with the operations of a company that I founded – I realized my mission is writing and teaching, rather than admin and financial return.
• Cleared half of my personal stuff – this was surprisingly easy, which may mean that it’s time to do another 50% reduction!
• Facebook – I took a break in March and I don’t think it’s coming back.

Everything that I gave up had value to me. Most importantly, it’s very difficult to value serenity, lack of clutter and time to think. So the payoff is difficult to see immediately. Six months in, we’ve made real progress.

The key moment, that caused me to accelerate change, was the realization that I could live with being far less externally successful, so long as I was internally successful. 

What can you give up to create the life you desire?

Change slowly.

My daughter goes to a preschool where most of the parent/teacher community is Buddhist. They share my respect for tolerance and a caution for getting bogged down in dogma. Last night they offered a class on contemplative parenting and I attended.

When I attend a seminar, my goal is to find one thing that I can apply, immediately, in my life. Last night I learned several so have the added bonus of a blog post to share!

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Each session starts with everyone saying a few words about how things are going.

This marks a change from the typical “who I am” introductions, which focus on the past or the future.

Tell us a little bit about how things are going and how your kids are doing right now…

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To be effective as employees, negotiators, athletes, spouses or parents… we need to be present. If “present” sounds new-agey to you then what they are talking about is not allowing the normal stresses of life to clutter up our minds. For me, this requires:

• Sleep
• Nutrition
• Exercise
• Gradual removal of clutter, both in the minds of people with whom I associate, and in my physical surroundings (traffic, urban noise, living space).

To be effective parents we need to get our own lives (and minds) in order. Very similar to performance psychology in business and athletics – the Buddhists were speaking my language!

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Children have a fundamental need to belong. Effective parenting taps into this need via a mix of boundaries and inspiration.

Young children can gain a sense of belonging via objects – Daddy’s watch; a colorful piece of paper; sharing a meal, getting a clean diaper for brother. This object focus also explains the attraction of dolls, bandaids, blankets… that I see in my daughter.

Parent/child conflict comes when the ability to belong is blocked, or threatened. To be effective in meeting this conflict, we need to be present and free from the influence of our own fears.

As Dad, my capacity to be effective is related directly to the amount of fatigue I am experiencing as well as being free from the perception of time pressure.

The choice, to be less tired and less busy, is difficult to make because it triggers a fear of being less successful. External success is attractive to my ego (winning races, earning money, relative performance).

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Practical Tips

To create empathy ask the child what sort of face it creates when…

• What sort of face does your brother make when you hit him?
• What sort of face does Mommy make when you hug her?

Scaffolding love onto others…

• Helping care for a younger sibling – changing a diaper, feeding, cleaning
• Seeing parents involved in helping others – volunteer work

Adjust behavior in yourself that you want the kids to emulate:

• Loudness
• Automatic reactions
• Neglecting our own needs to the point of exhaustion
• Kindness in word and action
• Respect

Create self-confidence by providing a safe environment for independent success.

Pause, start small and follow up.

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While the class was directed at parenting, the advice was applicable across all aspects of my life. I enjoy tips I can apply across the board.

Following up on last week, I’ve shed enough stuff to feel like I’ve made progress. By the time the dust settles, it will have taken:

• Seven dumpster loads
• A pick-up truck full of gear to an eBay store
• Two van loads of donated clothing
• Sending one hundred pounds of papers to a shredding service

I’ve yet to tackle our kitchen, our garage or our kid-krap. These areas are emotionally charged so I’ll need to review the ZenHabits tips!

Clearing out highlights the money spent on items that I don’t use any more.

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Last week, I alluded to making changes for the benefit of my family. I’m going to call bullsh*t on myself and point out that anything I do for them, I’m really doing for myself. I’ll explain further.

We might view it as more noble to teach our children, rather than knock out training camps in the tropics – but the reality is we’re making choices either way.

In my 30s, I fluked into combining unknown athletic talents with the time to exploit them. I decided to pursue triathlon for a year and it changed my life, quite by accident. There wasn’t any conscious choice to become a great athlete – the decision was to leave a polluted place (Hong Kong) and settle in a pristine place (New Zealand). Once there, I gave myself the luxury of doing what I wanted (traithlon training).

The change that I’m creating this time is more deliberate but similar in that I’m create space to do what I want to do right now (love, write, teach). There will be benefits for my family but the primary driver is being the person that I want to be. My choices are driven by my self-image.

My attraction to coaching flows from a desire to help others and a realization that continual accumulation is empty. The desire to help others and the emptiness of financial accumulation is what drove me to leave private equity. Elite finance is often about helping yourself.

A rarely discussed paradox of coaching is the best coaches spend far more time with other people’s kids than their own. It was a point made at the ASCA conference that I attended in 2001 – my Dick Jochums Notes are worth a read.

In my current line of work (coaching working athletes), many people spend far more time with other people’s spouses than their own. This choice carries material risks to the health of one’s marriage. Choose wisely.

As I’ve aged, my goals have become less inwardly directed. These days, my competitive spirit flashes more often than it burns. My missions:

• Help people through my writing
• Teach my kids how I experience the world
• Experience love with my wife

I know that my kids will be in grade school when I’m 50 and this phase of my life will be done. Having an end date makes it easier to cope when three-year-olds are bouncing around the house when they should be sleeping!

Once again, I’m tempted to choose the road less travelled.

The key changes in my life have been triggered by a single event that stood out in my mind. My daughter kicking me in the throat was a life changing event. The kick was a clear indication that my approach to parenting needed to change.

In my professional life, I evaluate myself on a simple criteria – am I being effective at helping people achieve their goals. As a negotiator, I’ve trained myself to stay focused on my desired outcome, rather than any emotional responses.

As a parent, the “kick” triggered two realizations. First, I was being ineffective. Second, I needed to focus on my desired outcome.

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How’d I get kicked?

I was tired, my wife was tired and my daughter was tired. All that fatigue was a recipe for disaster when we gave some physical encouragement for Lex to brush her teeth.

It became clear to me that if I’m going to be an effective parent then I need to take responsibility for not being tired. So the first change was cutting down my physical fatigue (exercise & training) and putting the pieces in place to reduce my mental fatigue (business). This change is hard for two main reasons:

• I have a core belief that I need to train two hours every day for personal sanity and vanity
• In my business, I feel obligated to my team

As it turns out, the beliefs may not be based on reality. My body is holding out pretty well and I’m fortunate to work with great people.

The second change was the most difficult. Acknowledging my role in creating my daughter’s behaviour. My sentimental side wants my three-year old daughter to act a well-adjusted 25-year old – stable, loving, calm, rational, loyal, supportive.

Reading that sentence, it’s obvious that a three-year old is never going to act like at 25-year old. It is not obvious to my emotional, sentimental side! When I hear the internal dialogue, “why can you just…” then I know that I’ve fallen into a mental trap.

So how can I modify my behaviour to get a more effective result for my daugher, my wife and my myself?

I asked my friends. The act of asking, and a couple good nights sleep, made me feel better. That’s worth repeating – ask for advice in difficult situations – the act of seeking help is comforting.

Some of the tips were more helpful than others. At one end of the spectrum:

• Break their spirit early
• Two cans of Guinness per night
• You get what you deserve
• Do your best to stay married
• Try not to get fat

At the other:

• Treat it like investing – manage for the long term
• Create a love of books – reading is a valuable skill and engages their minds
• She might forget if you blow your stack but you won’t – act as if she’s going to remember every-single-thing you do

The single most useful piece of advice was: split the world in two with Lexi-decisions and Daddy-decisions. When something is a Daddy-decision be prepared to withstand whatever it takes to follow through. When something is a Lexi-decision, let her make the call and let it roll.

Be clear, be consistent, don’t offer choices when none exist. When combined with compassionate love, it’s an effective strategy.

Simple, not easy.

On EnduranceCorner.Com, I’ve written about Fit Pregnancy. The linked article ends with tips that the athletic parent-to-be can apply to the first year of their parenting experience. This series will touch on what happens after that first year.

I have two book recommendations that helped me pull my thoughts together on parenting: How to Love by Livingston; and Beyond Religion by the Dalai Lama. Neither of these books is a how-to-manual for parenting.

The books are useful to help me figure out the sort of father/husband I wanted to be. My longest term friend told me that I’d make a good dad because it will be OK when my kids find out who I really am. I enjoyed the statement but didn’t understand it until six years later.

As a baby, my daughter didn’t challenge my identity. With my wife, a part-time nanny and family available – our first child represented a scheduling challenge (for Dad). Create space, ensure you get enough sleep and life can roll along, pretty much, as before.

In many dual-career households, you could structure parenting as a scheduling challenge. Daycare across the week, creche at the gym for workouts, babysitting coverage across the weekend – all designed to create space for mom/dad to live their pre-kid lives. Now that I’m on the inside, I understand why many parents go down that route.

Here are some principles that have been guiding me:

Like your marriage, your parenting style only needs to work for you. Over the last year, I considered, “Who is Dad?” I’m fortunate to have shifted away from an identity as an elite athlete before my daughter arrived. For me, the constrained years of early fatherhood are incompatible with elite performance.

TIP: If your spouse tends towards anger (or any anti-social behaviors) then the constraints of parenthood will enhance this aspect of their personality.

The media, and our in-built sentimentality, are poor roadmaps for parenting decisions. The books I recommend are about healthy love and secular ethics. Livingston also discusses people we don’t want in our lives. Love and ethics are rarely discussed in Western education, but essential for young people to navigate their lives.

TIP: I have a recurring sentimentality that the family should sit around in a loving circle and sing Kumbaya. The media-driven ideal of a perfect family distracts me from being an effective parent inside a functional family.

You can’t do it all. In my coaching business, I’m constantly reminding athletes about choices and tradeoffs. From the time your first-born turns two until your final child enters first grade, dad is going to be constrained. That’s 2010-2018 for me (42 to 50 years old) and over a decade for my wife (mom’s life changes from conception).

The young family “constraint” will be determined by the role that you choose to have in your kids’ lives, as well as your choice in spouse.

I’d been on the planet for 40 years when my daughter was born and had failed to come across clear writing on this constraint! My wife and I are glad we waited but I was an accident, rather than foresight.

I’m changing my life to embrace the realities of fatherhood.

#1 – Am I going to have a role? While I was figuring out the sort of parent I wanted to be, there were days where I considered (briefly, very briefly) checking out. I certainly understand why many parents find themselves overwhelmed, or uninterested, in the job.

#2 – If I am going to have a role then how to build trust? Just like all areas of my life: clarity, reliability and love – built by shared experiences over time.

#3 – Why am I doing this? When I gave myself freedom of occupation in my 30s, I didn’t choose to open a preschool. For personal sanity, my role is going to be limited but consistent and material.

#4 – What am I good at? In Hawaii, once a week, I spent the day with my daughter. For my daughter, Daddy Day was about getting ice cream after nap (that’s how she describes it). For me, it was a chance for conversations about the world with a three-year old. I’ve found one thing where I can be exceptional – I’m looking for others.

TIP: I suspect that the greatest value to me, as a parent, may be minimizing regret – our ability to impact situations is consistently overstated. Regret often stands out when my friends talk about their parenting experiences.

A great quote from a parent in her 60s, “my relationship with my kids is mixed but I know, in my heart, that I did my best.”