Tag Archives: family

Let’s Agree That It Is OK To Say No

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I was chatting with a buddy and asked if I could borrow a book.

“No, you can’t. Go buy it for yourself.”

“But, I promise to return it.”

“I know you’ll return it, Dave (mutual friend) wouldn’t return it but you would.”

“But, if I buy it for myself then the author (a writer that cashed in on exploiting my pals) will get my money, and that bothers me.”

“Sorry, can’t help you, that’s your issue.”

My friend says “no,” without reservation, many times per day. He’s a grandmaster of “no.”

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The ability to say “no” frees us from the emotional drain of doing what we don’t want to do AND frees those around us to be open about their needs & desires.

Everyone is better off.

Running a major corporation, dealing with a demanding friend or guiding an energetic preschooler, puts us in a position where we will never be able to meet every request. We will never meet the demands of the world, or our inbox.

To protect our ability to do what needs to be done, we need to create a habit of shedding what we can’t do.

It’s OK to say “no.”

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Another example. Over at Endurance Corner, we host training camps for triathletes. At the start of camp, I often say:

We’re here to support your camp. Feel free to ask us for anything you need. If we can get it done for you then we will make it happen. If we can’t get it done then we will tell you why.

Ask me anything.

If I can serve you then I will do it.

If I can’t serve you then I will tell you why.

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Much of the stress we experience in our lives comes from a reluctance to say “no.”

Toxic people and sociopaths use this reluctance against us. It’s a form of abuse and they feed off the abuse. We’re not doing anyone any good by complying with their wishes.

Within your Family Web, see if you can get everyone to agree that it is OK to say “no.”

It’s better for everyone.

The Antifragile Family

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My family owes a debt to Taleb as applying his books, Fooled By Randomness and The Black Swan, enabled me to avoid personal bankruptcy in the Great Recession of 2008/2009.

His latest book, Antifragile, extends his work beyond business and finance. I highly recommend this book – here’s a link to his Wikipedia page for a short-form intro to his thinking.

As a father, I have two heuristics that I apply to my kids:

  • Keep the kids alive
  • Don’t protect from failure

My wife and I have debates about the second point and she’s a good counterbalance to my approach. I’m willing to let my kids get dirty, hurt, sick, upset, cold, hot… especially when I think there’s a chance they will learn by doing. My goal being to teach personal responsibility and put ‘failure’ in perspective.

I’m willing to let my kids struggle because Taleb makes the point that we want to do as much nothing as possible. He makes the point with regard to medicine and I’ve heard Buffett make the same point about investing. Both authors note that “doing nothing” is very difficult to achieve and always open to criticism (because it is difficult to attribute the benefits of no-action).

The authors of Siblings Without Rivalry share that the wise parent acknowledges conflict then gives the kids an opportunity to learn how to resolve themselves. What’s the minimum intervention that will help my kids learn to get along in the world?

Recently, my daughter was having trouble playing with older kids. Lex is the first born and defaults to total domination in relationships – the older girl (also first born) yelled at her and Lex came to me to ask if I would intervene…

  • Lex – tell her to play with me
  • Dad – it made you feel sad when she yelled at you
  • Lex – yeah
  • Dad – you want to play with her and her brother
  • Lex – yeah
  • Dad – I could tell her to play with you but kids don’t like being told what to do – why don’t you act a bit more calm and see what happens

Total time investment – ten seconds – kids worked it out over the next ten minutes without any adult intervention. An intervention was required a little later when she nearly slammed a toddler’s fingers in a door (that was a chance to teach “do no harm“)

The message that tinkering leads to adverse outcomes is repeated in many fields. So what to do? I think Taleb would advise:

  • Remove fragility – child-proof the home
  • Limit the effects of asymmetric negative outcomes – seat belts, health insurance, long term care insurance
  • Gain exposure to positive asymmetric outcomes – have children, change careers, meet new people
  • Then stand back, let it ride, avoid noise and spend your time learning

Asymmetric means that the outcome is much greater in one direction than the other. For example, my friends tease me because I always drive the speed limit, or less. I drive slow because the cost (time) is tiny compared to the benefit of less fatalities. An avoidance of negative Black Swans is why I wear seat belts, helmets and don’t run lights & stop signs. It’s also why I don’t yell at strangers, especially in America.

Because Taleb shares stories of multi-million dollar investment profits from applying his knowledge, it’s tempting to consider how we can make a lot of money from his advice. For example, a reader sent in a question about “barbelling” a small portfolio. My advice would be to barbell your life. There is far more upside for a young person to focus on asymmetric outcomes with their human capital, than their financial capital.

I’ve been thinking about my family’s exposure to positive Black Swans and my children keep coming back to me. Little people require a lot of change in the lives of parents but their lives provide the opportunity for positive events to enter the family system. 

How can I help my family benefit from positive asymmetric outcomes?

Readings To Strengthen Your Family

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With three kids, I needed some expert input on family dynamics and management. These titles have been quite useful for me to consider the life we want to lead.

While it’s tempting to manipulate my kids via parental approval – I wrote them a how-to–manual with my last book – these books reinforce the reality that success comes from respecting differences and working towards the goals of each individual.

While the books are geared at the wealthy, the tactics and challenges faced by families are universal. Seeing financial wealth rise, fall and disappear between generations becomes a metaphor, rather than metric, for family success.

With all the titles, what I found most helpful was thinking about human, rather than financial, capital. Secondly, considering the goals of each individual, as an individual, within the family unit. One can apply these principles into any organization.

Family Fortunes – Bonner/Bonner – interesting ideas, many contrarian to my own views. Caused me to think through, then revise, my own thinking.

Wealth In Families – Collier – practical in approach, filled with excellent questions, timelines for education and checklists.

Preparing Heirs – Williams/Preisser – results from studying generational transitions. Considering this book in light of my family history had unintended consequences that I’ll be sharing.

Family Wealth – Hughes – the deepest study (out of what I’ve read so far) on the concept of human capital. If you enjoy this title then you can go further with his follow up book, Family: The compact among generations.

In studying my own family, I realized that success between generations doesn’t require wealth, or its preservation. Education (in terms of practical skills) and opportunity to apply those skills proved most useful across the last five generations.