Tag Archives: parenting

Mid Life Transformation

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In 2003, I shared a conversation:

“Gordo, you know what a REAL mid-life crisis is?”

“Tell me, buddy.”

“It’s when you realize that the woman, the job, the body that you think you just might be able to have (if conditions were juuuust right). Well, you realize that there’s no way that’s going to happen and you are forced to look at the reality of your life. That can be hard. Seeing that your dreams ain’t going to happen.”

A longtime reader asked me to look back and share how I found the journey from my mid-30s to my mid-40s.

I started the process by making a list of all the “bad” things that were done to me. Isn’t this how we tend to see the past? A series of challenges that we have had to overcome.

Our personal history is created by our minds back fitting a heroic (or tragic) journey where we arrive at the present. We take credit for the heroism and assess blame for the tragedies. Sitting in judgement over everyone with whom we’ve shared our journey.

So I have my sh*t list and two thoughts come over me:

  1. “If I could wave a magic wand over my list then where would I be today?”
  2. “What use is sharing this list with ANYONE?”

I’m prone to depression but I’ve never been so depressed that I wanted to swap places with anyone.

I’m also aware that we never see the tragedies that we’ve avoided.

So, I thanked my list for delivering a wonderful spouse, three great kids and a family to serve.

Then I asked myself, what’s useful from the last decade?

Reread my buddy’s quote and you’ll see mention of the three gods of the modern world:

  • External validation through sex
  • External validation through money
  • External validation through vanity

If you look at the motivations of men then these gods feature highly. As a former elite athlete, much of the honor we receive is related to the gods of vanity and victory.

It would be easy to write that I transcended these false gods through meditation and fasting!

Truth is, at times, I took each as far as I could and had a lot of success at what others told me would make me a successful person…

…and I saw it wasn’t very satisfying.

My advice would be to look past the sex, money and vanity. What’s on the other side? Is penetration, wealth or beauty going to transform your life situation? Or might they bring a host of new problems along?

My sh*t list, particularly the worst setbacks, gave me an opportunity to ask what’s important and work on being a better person.

What lies on the other side of goodness?

I arrived at my 40th birthday (2008) and my world was falling apart. However, I was a much better person, and that helped me manage my way through. Five years on, I look at my life and am grateful because I missed setbacks that would have been far, far worse.

I’m the age (today) that my friend was a decade ago when he shared his advice. What can I offer that’s useful?

You’re going to be fine.

Keep working on yourself.

If you choose to have children then you will be faced with a choice. The choice is one of openness or closing yourself off. If you choose to be open then you will have to release many of the self-centered beliefs you’ve created. If you choose to be closed then you are likely to feel regret once the window for a relationship passes.

Either way, you will be fine.

Choose kindness.

A Death in the Family

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I spend my working life with high achievers that are used to being in control. These individuals are used to getting stuff done and sorting things out. They are the doers of our society.

Because death can appear to lack a solution, it is a challenge to a high achiever’s identity. Overlay the reality, that our own time is coming, and it’s not surprising that we feel overwhelmed.

Interestingly, there’s no quicker way to pull the energy out of a room, or conversation, than talking about my experiences with death. It’s one of the strongest, deepest emotional triggers (for avoidance) that we have. Even my pals that are doctors and chaplains, become visibly uncomfortable with these topics – the well-adjusted have subtle tells, but they remain. We share a deep avoidance of the topic of death.

Here’s what I learned over the last few months of watching a family cope with the death of a parent.

Death strips our filters away – the dying person as well as their closest family. This can be terrifying to consider, the world seeing our minds laid bare. We have nothing to fear because our fears are universal.

I found it inspirational – because what lay beneath all the filters was a very accepting person. A life, well lived, brings a sense of peace at the end.

Next I was grateful, because I have the time to continue to sort myself out. I can offer my children a powerful gift by demonstrating how to cope when it’s their turn.

With the curtains pulled back, and facing an ultimate source of power, everyone trended towards their automatic, and deepest, programming.

Death, and dying, are powerful – they aren’t good, bad, angry, scared, fearful, or anything else – the emotional interpretation of their power comes from within us. If we can pause, even briefly, to consider what/how we are feeling, there is a tremendous opportunity for learning.

For example, I learned that my deepest emotional response is “flight.” Faced with the power of dying, pressure would build inside my body and I’d have an overwhelming urge to ride my bike uphill to release that energy.

By the way, I followed my urge to ride over the last two weeks and it was deeply therapeutic. I gave a spontaneous solo eulogy to myself every ride for week.

In my emotional life, breakdown, sadness, fear and anger are signs of resistance, an internal blockage that needs to be opened. Exercise provides me with a physical mantra to open myself and release energy before it solidifies into emotions.

Another member of my family lives cerebrally. She found that pressure would build in her head. To process, and release, her energy – she engaged her mind on a family-related history project.

Every member of the immediate family found their capacity to think, and remember, was impaired. For some this lasted for weeks, others for days. Don’t expect to get anything achieved when you’re grieving. Ask for help.

To become an outstanding athlete, I needed to process my emotional history. Or perhaps it was processing my emotional history that’s enabled me to deepen my capacity for success. I’ll never know for sure, but I’m grateful for the lessons of sport.

Many high achievers use performance to mask, rather than cope with, their emotional histories. If that’s the case then you’ll find a unique opportunity for growth as you move through the process of grieving.

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Recommended reading: http://www.trucare.org/education/recommended-reading

Difficult Conversations

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Over the last year, I have been travelling to learn about my friends’ lives. The trips are short, and we have the opportunity to talk a lot. By keeping the trip short, and going to my pals, the quality of the conversation is high and the inconvenience to my family is small. The trips have a large payoff for me:

  • Gratitude for the life I have
  • Learn what’s good about their lives – try to figure out the payoff from living like them
  • Make sure I see friends that I want to keep in my life
  • Learn about an aspect of their lives where they have different knowledge than me (teenagers, aging, the transition to adulthood, healthcare, performance psychology, grief & loss).
  • Do something random to generate new opportunities.

One of my favorite discussion topics is managing difficult conversations. For example, a challenging situation for doctors is telling the mirror image of themselves about the arrival of their greatest medical fear – cancer or terminal illness.

I ask questions about.. How to cope? How to be effective? What is best practice?

These skills are useful at work and are essential to create an exceptional family web. I’ll share what I’ve learned so far.

Before a difficult conversation, pause and remember:

  • This situation is not about me
  • I am part of the solution
  • Be cautious
  • Understand that I will make incorrect assumptions about everything around me

The points above get me in a relaxed frame of mind, especially when combined with my Big Meeting Protocol. The mental preparation works best when combined with an on-going process of self-reflection (that I like to do while cycling). You’ll be surprised that you can mute your emotional triggers by awareness that they exist.

Understand your hot bottons – examples might be: not caring, not doing enough, letting someone down, past mistakes where I’ve yet to ask for forgiveness, or not addressing areas in my own life where I need to make change.

Know your desired outcome – examples might be: clear communication, exit a relationship, create consensus, make better decisions.

Follow up in writing – if the conversation triggers fear, or anger, in the other person they are unlikely to remember the conversation. Even if you’re hearing each other, everyone hears a different conversation. Certainly, everyone remembers a different conversation.

Focus on helping the other person – I’m more likely to get my desired outcome if I help the other person achieve their own goals. A doctor might ask a terminally ill patient, “is there an up-coming event that we can focus on getting you to attend?” Alternatively, a family member might have concerns about public perception, confidentiality or independence.

Remembering my tendency to make incorrect assumptions – I like to gather information from the other party so I can better serve their needs. Often, a person’s needs are as straightforward as being listened to, respected and valued.

Finally, I remember that my mission isn’t to change others…

  • …because I don’t know best
  • …because I have my hands full with myself
  • …because my life is my source

28-days away from elite sport

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Today is the four-week anniversary of my pause from focusing on elite sport.

For moral support, my wife’s been taking a 28-day break from Facebook . I think her break has been tougher because Facebook started an email campaign against her. I had a similar thing happen to me in 2010 and forewarned her that the spam-bots were crafty!

I’ve been Facebook free since the start of 2012 – it can be done.

My break has been 100% positive – I can’t find a single drawback to my life from pausing from professional sport.

Training – with less web usage (particularly twitter), I suddenly had time to train in the morning before my kids get up. While it was “only” one extra run per week, I felt great that entire day from the early session. It’s worth noting that 1 extra session per week, boosted 14% of my waking hours. Early training is high-return exercise.

Reading – I’ve been talking about reading at home for more than a year. I do most of my reading on airplanes and, subtly “blame” my kids for not being able to read at home. In the last month, I’ve managed to read three books at home, which is more than the previous twelve months! The books were: The Gift of Therapy; Living a Jewish Life; and Life’s Greatest Lessons. Turns out I was the issue, not my kids (who remain full of energy and a source of self-knowledge).

Patience – It could be the normal ebb and flow of parenting relationships but, as I reduce my time online, I’ve had more tolerance with my kids. Less in-bound noise seems to result in better relationships around me.

As for the outside world, Life Goes On…

My media filter isn’t complete and I heard all the major stories (and a few that haven’t hit the press yet). The difference is they filtered through gradually, rather than having to ferret them out. While I might be less informed on athletic gossip, I know enough to meet the needs of my friends, family and team. “Fresh news” is nearly always incorrect – I’m better off without it (links to my blog on improved thinking).

Turns out I was fooling myself about my need for constant input on, and criticism of, the choices of others. Not the first time.

Another debt of gratitude to my wife (links to my gratitude list).

The cost of the status quo is always hidden. I’m glad I was willing to try a change.

Class Dojo – Promoting Good Behavior

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classdojo

One of our friends is a school teacher and set Lex up on Class Dojo. She created a class “Lexi” and shared the log-in with Monica and me.

It’s a simple system of positives/negatives. Each time Lex hits “10” she gets a treat. With the same log-in ID, we can access from all our our phones.

I got a little carried away with the negatives at the beginning and had to change my scoring focus. I target nine positives for each negative.

During the main transitions that I manage (drive to school and bedtime) I run through the positives that she has earned recently. I’m trying to remind her of those behaviors. Getting dressed, seat belts, pajamas, playroom clean up, kind to brother…

I also put myself into her class so she can “beat me” with her behavior. Perhaps we need to loosen the standards for Daddy Byrn. I’ve been at one point for over a week…

Creating A Peaceful Home

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To change a habit with my wife and kids, I need to change that habit with everyone.

For example, to break a habit of snapping at other people, I need to remove that response from every single aspect of my life. That’s quite challenging!

If you’re a “yeller” then you won’t stop yelling at your kids until you manage to stop yelling at everyone. Also, many of us are yelling at people that can’t, or don’t, defend themselves. To break the cycle of yelling, it helps to drill down to the true source of our anger (often the past or ourselves).

Sometimes I can’t find the source of the yelling, and have to live with it. Here’s an example from last month. I don’t yell at anyone but, for much of March, there was a voice yelling in my head, mainly at my spirited daughter. I’ve managed to train myself not to express what’s going on in my head so there were times when a silent scream would be triggered each time I saw my little girl. Some of the things I “said” in my head were not very nice!

Having one of my kids act as a stress trigger is a tough situation, as I can’t use my typical strategy of avoidance! I’ve been trying to relax my mind by focusing on the temporary nature of the noise I experience with her. Knowing that there is an ending to every interaction helped calm me down.

I looked deeply and realized that being upset with my daughter had become a habit that was independent of her behavior – even when she was great, the internal battle raged in my mind. There were situations where I wanted her to misbehave to give me an opening to vent. It’s a very good thing that the habits of non-violence and harmony pre-date fatherhood! In the end, I removed myself for a few days, to travel to India for a wedding, and that emptied my mind of the noise.

Coming back to my original goal to speak kindly to my spouse and kids – we need to cultivate kindness with all our interactions. “Kindness to all” being the requirement to deliver “thoughtful speech” to our wives and kids. As I mentioned above, I can train myself to appear calm when there is a storm raging in my mind! It’s not a requirement to be peaceful inside to have a peaceful home (but I’m sure it helps).

I’ll share an idea from Gordon Livingston. Focus on treating people that can’t defend themselves better, for example service people. From that habit, extend towards treating everyone better. Under stress, nobody is good at remembering to treat one category of people better than another.

These habits are also a great way to lower blood pressure without the use of medication. I can see how internalized rage would be bad for one’s health.

When I find myself falling short, I remember that I can’t correct the person I was, but I can correct the person I am. My short comings become inspiration to keep trying for incremental progress.

How I Cope With Change, Setbacks and Success

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One of the things I’ve found with transitions, whether they are ‘good’ or ‘bad’ they can trigger depression. I’ve built a routine to cope and I’ll share that routine.

Thinking through the changes in my life, I can group them into categories

Moving transitions – I’ve lived all around the world and each move can seem like a big deal. However, because my daily life stays the same, these are easy to navigate. As well, I feel like I’m in control because these transitions happen due to a new opportunity that I want to pursue. The key to enjoying moving is maintaining the ability to move without hassle. Until I was 25, I could move with a single taxi ride – after that wasn’t feasible, I subcontracted the packing, moving and unpacking. If you strip out the “move” the moving transition (when you’re single) is fun. Perhaps that’s why I still harbor romantic notions of easily moving between residences with nothing but an iPhone and a toothbrush. While moves are fun, owning geographically dispersed assets is a hassle.

With kids and a spouse, moving can become stressful because you’re creating an involuntary transition for others. This reality is why I’ve been hesitant to ask my family to move from Colorado. Besides, Boulder is a great place to live and it’s easier to change my attitude than my family’s situation.

New life transitions – This type of transition might involve moving, but it might not. These shifts means your daily routine is going to be completely different. Examples are:

  • Going Pro – recreational athletes deciding to become fulltime athletes. This is called living-the-dream in my peer group.
  • Athletic Retirement – making a decision to let go of elite athletics
  • Joining The Workforce – after University, living the dream, a sabbatical or maternity leave. Big shock to the system because you’re not in control of your work schedule any more
  • Boyfriend/Husband – having to consider the needs of another in decision making (I failed spectacularly for years at this)
  • Wife/Motherhood – the transition from single woman, to wife, to mother, to mother of adult children, to grandmother. Each phase potentially resulting in a new routine, and often, a new self-image.

These transition, even for “good” reasons can act as depression triggers. The trigger being the need to let go of an existing identity.

In 2000, during a year long leave of absence, I can remember sitting in an Aussie hotel room wondering, “why the hell do I feel so depressed? I have an opportunity to vacation for a year.” The trigger likely being my loss of identity as “finance guy.” I navigated through that transition and, from 2000 to 2002, changed my identity to an athlete.

In 2002/2005/2008/2011, same crisis but different trigger! I had dark patches when I wasn’t able to train at the level of an elite athlete. At first the trigger was fatigue from extreme training. However, when I turned 40, the inevitable decline of physical capacity made itself felt.

Having learned to separate my self from my emotions, the transition seemed bizarre. I remember riding up St Vrain Canyon on a beautiful day and wanting to cry the entire time. I turned around early on the ride and suspected that my elite career was over. Strange, or extreme, emotional events cause me to pause and look inwards.

I consulted with a athlete-doctor, now our team doc at Endurance Corner. He observed that extreme exercise, and variable training load, can have outsize effects on an athlete’s neurochemistry. Seeing the link between my physical choices and my inner mental state was an “a-ha moment” in my life.

The way I experience stress, exercise, alcohol, sex and many other experiences is different than most. I can make myself drunk with exercise – a strong sustained effort will get me “high.” I joke about fatigue intoxication but it’s real (and a lot of fun to get completely blasted in a socially acceptable manner). In my case, the same effect that makes me high, can also make me depressed.

Below, I share how to keep the buzz a good one. Whether you are an athlete, or not, the key to managing life transitions is have a core daily routine that you repeat. This core daily practice is universal – if you look for it then you’ll find it everywhere (religion, spiritual practice, bloggers, self-help gurus, success literature). Everybody has their secret recipe and, often, something they want to sell you.

Unexpected change – With a move, or a new life, I can see it coming and I feel like I have a choice. A sense of control, even via illusion, is comforting. There are some transitions that arrive on their own. They might be negative: unemployment, divorce, infidelity, fraud, injury or illness. They might be positive: financial windfall, promotion, fame or unexpected victories.

The negative surprises can get us stuck in a cycle of blame and anger. The positive surprises can trigger feelings of guilt and lack of self-worth.

Both types of surprise can fool us into thinking that we’ve earned the right to cover up our pain by following false gods. You can take your pick of the seven deadly sins – in my family we “soothe” ourselves with with anger, alcohol, sex, food, and my favorite, fatigue.

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I have dealt with all these transitions, good and bad, around the world, on multiple occasions. There are four techniques that bring me out of the depression that results from a serious setback.

Give yourself time to mourn – I give myself 48 hours to feel awful. I let myself feel really sorry for myself. Then it is time to get back on track.

Getting Back On Track – keep it simple. One hour of exercise, low sugar diet, no booze, bright light and one positive step per day. This works every single time.

When I’m depressed, I’m fearful that my game plan won’t work and I’m tempted not to start. The dialogue goes… it probably won’t work this time, this time I’m really depressed. However, the simple steps have never failed me and is similar to what others report working.

The hour-per-day of exercise is flexible. I give myself a “win” if I start the hour. For example, I broke a few ribs at the end of 2011 so had to walk slowly around my neighborhood. In a particularly tough month in 2004, my wife staged an intervention to get me going by walking me around the block. We joked that she was walking-her-gordo; it worked and I got going again. The big thing for me is getting out of the house and into natural light. Having restarted myself a zillion times, I don’t mind the dark weeks. They make me appreciate the majority of my life, when I’m rolling along just fine.

Create Space – when I have no idea what I’m going to do. I give myself time to figure it out. I used to find an open schedule terrifying until I noticed that I enjoyed those days tremendously. Remember that we don’t need to quit our jobs and move to the Himalayas to find space. Simply block out time where you unplug from technology and chill out. To chill, I like being near water, or walking in a forest. Here in Boulder, I’ve been known to stare at the mountains – sometimes I need to drive there, but I prefer to ride.

Gain perspective – the best part of these setbacks is the realization that they aren’t fatal. Eventually something will prove fatal. However, it’s not going to be a broken marriage, a bankruptcy, an act of white-collar crime or some guy cutting corners to race fast.

Two books that helped me feel my Family Mantras: The Last Lecture and Tuesdays with Morrie. Those situations were fatal and I aspire to show the protagonists level of courage.

Learning to cope with serious transitions makes us useful to our friends, families and employers. An ability to continue to move forward under duress is a valuable life skill.

Start by overcoming the small setbacks that appear in daily life.

I can get through highly charged situations so long as I remember to breathe!

Family Mantras

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In my life, focusing on the faults of others is always a reminder to look inwards. For when I’m struggling with myself, I start to look outwards for easier targets! My article on creeping clutter was triggered by catching myself wishing my wife would clean up the kitchen.

There is a lot of anger in the world outside my home. Even inside, the minds of preschoolers are churning with strong emotions.

I’ve been able to modify my own sources of greed, envy and anger. I do this through awareness of three truths:

  • We’ve already won
  • We have more than we need
  • I don’t need to be right, I want to be at peace

When I see the truth in these mantras, I remove the seeds of greed, anger and envy. If these seeds grow then we can end up disgraced, or in prison. Theft, fraud, infidelity, anger and unhappiness have their root in a desire for more.

As I roll through my day, I am on the lookout for examples of how we’ve won, how we have more than we need and how serenity benefits the family.

A friend observed that having the opportunity to argue shows how lucky we are. Debate is a sign of affluence. When faced with an argument, he sees a person that is lucky to have the time to make themselves unhappy!

From the outside, it can appear that I spend a lot of time focused on the risk of negative outcomes. However, from the inside, I find it helpful to remember that my time is limited. To my family, I say…

Whatever happens, remember this – I had a fantastic life and loved you very much.

What’s your family mantra?

Al-Anon for Preschool Parents

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Once a term my daughter’s school holds community night and the parents gather. We sing our kids’ favorite songs, do a craft project and share the challenges that we’re facing.

Seeing that we aren’t alone is an effective antidote for the tendency to feel sorry for ourselves.

Here’s what I learned this time:

Groups are powerful – I’m an introverted extrovert. I get a rush from interacting with people yet spend much of my life alone. The release, and motivation, that I get from smart people is beneficial to me.

Each time I get excited in a group, I tell myself I need to talk less next time!

Parenting is a skill – don’t beat yourself up in the early years – it’s going to take years just to learn enough to see what you need to work on.

Often we focus on what’s not going right in our lives – sitting in the group I released that we are getting a lot right.

One of the parents works in psychology. She reminded us that parents who report the most satisfaction prioritize as Self – Marriage – Kids.

My goal isn’t perfection – my goal is to improve a bit on the previous generation.

Siblings Without Rivalry is a book that provides practical tips for parents. Also, helpful for dealing with single kids and schoolyard rivals.

Moving as a young family & coping with financial stress – kids most value time with their parents – when we think they are attached to material goods, we might be projecting our desires on them

Meltdowns – In the moment, the child is blind to the pointlessness of the trigger; to help them get back under control… repeat what you see:

“You are really frustrated with that car.”

“You are really mad because your sock won’t go to your knee.”

“You are sad because the ballon is missing.”

Later come back to “that thing” and see if they can learn to experience their pre-meltdown phase in an physical sense. Helping them feel the trigger rising in them can lead to awareness before they spin out of control.

Reframing the present, I remember that the worse the meltdown, the better the following week.

Reframing the present, I tell myself that she might need to blow off steam once a month.

Addressing my fear of disturbing the neighbors, I shared a story of taking my daughter outside…

Daddy, why are we going outside?

So when the police come they can see you are OK.

Somewhere – between over-protecting and under-protecting – lies the child’s true needs. Respect differences in approach.

I shared a story of watching my son fall down a flight of stairs. In my defense, there was carpet on the stairs. I support learning by letting painful things happen. My wife feels the kids’ pain – very tough for her to teach via negative experience. So I take my daughter away for weekend trips. Things go wrong, we deal with it.

Whining is debilitating – I always have earplugs available to take the edge off my daughter. Makes me a better man, and a safer driver!

Anxiety – giving my daughter a verbal list of what will happen lets her know the transitions in her day. Transitions trigger anxiety in my daughter. Knowing how things will unfold in advance gives her comfort. We give advance notice of change, but never before bedtime!

An example: this list is very comforting to my daughter. I repeat…

  • nap
  • snack
  • pick up (from school)
  • swim
  • CostCo
  • dinner
  • Then… she repeats, or changes the order a little.
  • Then… we agree what will happen in advance.
  • This smooths the transitional periods, which act as triggers for her meltdowns.

Bedtimes – try the exact same routine every night (previous article for you). Our mantra:

  • Brush teeth
  • Bathroom
  • Pajamas
  • Story
  • Milk
  • Countdown (she likes to count before I turn off the lights)

The world is split into her choices, and our choices. When it is time for her choice, we let her know. When we respect her desires, we let her know. We acknowledge when she’s sad due to having to follow our choice. I make a habit of offering her frequent (binary) options.

Our kids give us an opportunity to clear what we carry forward from our past.

Forgive the past, forgive ourselves and see the temporary nature of everything.

All this stuff works great on adults.

Financial Support

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As part of planning my kids’ financial education, I’ve been asking myself a series of questions. 

A paradox about family finances is the most financially qualified family members often need the least help. I can take pride in not asking others for help so I fool myself when looking backwards. I have had to think very carefully about the nature of financial support in my life.

At 44, I ask myself, “What level of financial support made a difference at various stages of my life?”

17-20 years old (late 80s) – I had an academic scholarship and worked as a teaching assistant so my core university expenses were covered. Over and above that, $12,500 per annum made a big difference to cover living expenses. That’s about $25,000 in today’s dollars.

21-28 years old – (90s) – I learned how to “live cheap” in university and could survive, quite comfortably, in my early career on $25,000 per annum (2012 equivalent). It was easy for me to hit this minimum once I found a job. So the main support that helped was introductions, rather than financial.

Thinking about my early career, any level of day-to-day financial support would have held me back as there were a number of times that I considered leaving my job. 

By 28 years old, I saved five years worth of core living expenses and considered leaving my first career. Learning to save was a habit from early childhood and reinforced by being standalone in my finances. A key calculation, for me, was knowing that I could live very cheaply and follow my passion for triathlon training.

32-40 years old – this covered my career as an elite athlete and I was able to live comfortably on $50,000 per annum. When I spent more, it was driven by either non-essential (luxury) expenditure or travel related to my work in financial consulting.

Several things that I failed to anticipate in my 20s, and 30s:

  • I wasn’t going to work in a high-paying field forever
  • I was likely to take on dependents in my 40s
  • I would value time with my family
  • End of life care

With three young kids in the house, the ability to work part-time and invest in them is precious. Equally valuable, is the ability to fund preschool and childcare so that I can have time away from the kids. I value these two points at $25,000 per kid. I have friends that are double that number as well as less than half that number. My point, there will be some number that’s appropriate for your family. Working less and childcare are the big numbers with regard to young kids and I never considered them in my pre-fatherhood budgets.