We managed four weeks of hybrid school for the kids. Next week, we’re back to online education.
Unfortunately, the virus infected enough people that our district is not going to be able to staff the schools (a mix of quarantines and infections).
With the announcement, we reached out to our summer tutors and swim coaches. I have a hunch “kid stuff” will be limited over the Thanksgiving and Christmas holidays. It’s back to continuously rolling a little bit of home school six-days-a-week.
All up, we managed six days with all three kids out of the house. That little bit of school was a big help to us, and the kids. I’m glad the district gave it a shot.
8 month anniversary of Colorado-COVID is tomorrow.
The kids loved their return to in-person learning. Social distancing, masks and other safety measures were a non-issue.
My daughter asked me how I thought her mother was doing. It gave me a chance to introduce the concept of resilience.
Sweetie, she’s not always feeling good but she’s made a decision to move forward, regardless of how she’s feeling.
My wife spent her college years in Wisconsin. Most winter mornings, she’d trudge to the pool, in the dark, and keep moving forward.
Waking up early to train before school is good practice for life.
Last weekend, saw the return of college football. I think UCLA was in town.
Who’s idea was that?
The university administration had a “safety first” policy and restricted stadium admission to less than 1,000. I’m guessing it was boosters sipping drinks in private suites. Not sure, though.
Now, what do you think happened?
Well, our collegiate neighbors backed up the previous week’s underground Halloween parties with a strong session of day drinking (SKO Buffs!). Hundreds of mask-free college kids strolled the neighborhood.
We haven’t been doing a good job of setting priorities and protecting ourselves, from ourselves.
With everything that’s gone down in the last 14 days, we’re doing great. I had exposure to a dozen households over the five-day block following Andy’s death. So far, nobody’s been symptomatic.
The vaccine news cheered me up.
I’m sure that I’ll be tempted to go back to “normal” when COVID clears.
The main thing I miss is traveling to visit friends and family.
When I wrote Regime Change four years ago, I completed missed how The Trump Administration would tempt me to give into my worst impulses.
I nailed the “rich will feel richer” part but whiffed on the vibe.
Trump’s policies remain popular. I think he blew his re-election. Of course, I thought he blew it in 2016. Life is full of surprises.
Anyhow, time to move on to something more useful.
Everywhere I have lived has a slice of the population that is Permanently P’d Off (PPO).
The slice of the PPO in the US seems to be greater than other places I have lived (Canada, NZ, HK, UK).
If you are a political party, or media outlet, then enraging the PPO is a useful strategy. Useful to meet your goals of raising money, maintaining attention and inspiring action.
I think we can all agree that Trump is, and will remain, world class in this regard => money, attention, action. The man has skills.
Explaining US Federal Politics to my kids
When I come across a member of the PPO, I don’t engage them.
I remember, this is a person who has invested deeply in their belief system (attention, friends, money, tribe, habit, neurochemistry).
I have to be most cautious with the angry. Anger is contagious.
Justified anger is my worst trait – it clouds my judgement, muddies my thinking and hurts my health.
Anger repels the nicest people in my life and poisons my relationship with my kids.
Rather than sing along with the PPO, I go quiet and feel thankful that I can avoid distracting myself from what I need to do => keep on keeping on with my family.
If someone won’t relent then a good phrase is,
If I have to pick one issue then, I guess, I’m most in favor of tax simplification.
I’ve yet to meet anyone who wants to engage me on tax simplification.
🙂
I’m grateful that my job does not require me to encourage conflict.
As a parent, where some conflict is inevitable, I tell my kids… “I love you too much to argue.”
With a view towards high school, college majors and, ultimately, careers… I think to myself, which fields avoid the need to constantly feed conflict?
Education, especially working with kids. Constant deescalation is required, or you’ll burnout very quickly.
Healthcare, I like the vibe from my friends who work in the healing arts.
Mission Focused, fields where getting stuff done is more important than triggering an emotional response.
If you invert then you can rule out a lot of stuff (advertising, media, politics, academics). There’s probably a lot more. I’m a few years away from needing to give it much thought.
For now, I’ve advised my kids…
Try to find out if you’re really good at something difficult.
Let’s refocus on something useful.
PS – paper ballots, mailed to every registered voter, run by the counties, with lots of places to drop. Works great in Colorado. The more you centralize (anything) the easier it is to cheat and the more fragile the system becomes. Just like in finance, when someone seeks complexity, it’s usually to fool you.
Recently, a local lawyer advised a friend, “Sorting these documents, now, will save you a multiple of time, money and hassle – later.”
I would add… it is best to make end of life plans when stress is low.
With Andy’s death, I re-read my stuff last week. I was surprised how little needed to change.
Indeed, a good attorney saved my family time, money and hassle.
General Durable Power of Attorney – this lets someone I nominate act as “me” while I am alive – I do not need to be disabled.
The POA does not enable anyone of act on my behalf after I die. This limbo period (immediately after death) should be considered by you and your family.
The POA does not enable anyone to step into my work roles, say, as a fiduciary. This needs to be considered.
If you execute a POA then place the original in a fire safe where you can run it through a shredder (not joking) in case there’s an issue with the person you appointed – I’ve seen a lot of wacky stuff in my life, things change and this is a very powerful document.
Living Will – this covers how I’d like to be treated when I’m dying. Very useful for your family, who will be blasted if you’re in any sort of condition to need to dust off this document. Also useful for your medical representatives, who may be reluctant to deny you treatment.
Medical Durable Power of Attorney – just what it sounds like – who is authorized to make medical decisions on my behalf. Keep the contact details up to date and available to your family.
HIPAA Releases – who can receive my medical information. There could be people you’d like to have informed, but not act on your behalf.
Living Trust – a very useful form of trust – assets can come in/out and it can be used to title financial and real property assets – a local attorney can tell you more.
These documents are not expensive to put in place.
My current will was done ~13 years ago and has seen 4 changes.
The changes were minor, inexpensive and easy to arrange. Once again, doing it right the first time saved us time, money and hassle.
The original will predates my kids. You might get a kick out how it played out.
Before my wife was pregnant, I was leaving my life to charity. At the signing meeting, my lawyer, who drafted the docs, smiled and said, “I bet I see you in a couple years to change that part.”
Sure enough, my kids arrived, I got to know them and I made some revisions. Those revisions start to get a little complex so I’ll outline them in another post.
Most people don’t need complexity. All my assets, eventually, flow into my living trust, which already holds title to most of my assets. Standard clauses are used to protect my spouse and follow the tax code.
Whatever you decide to do – double check what’s required for a will to be valid where you live. There are places where a handwritten letter, witnessed by the sole beneficiary, doesn’t work. Colorado is one of them – link is to what’s required for a will to be valid in Colorado.
A good attorney, familiar with the laws in your state, is essential. She will have you decide, in advance, on the areas where disputes happen.
Ask your attorney about something called Joint Tenancy with rights of Survivorship. It can be a useful way to hold property titles for some situations. Link from the Colorado Bar Association.
Also find out about successor beneficiaries for your assets. Certain jurisdictions will let you nominate where your assets go, separate from a will.
Your attorney will likely have a checklist of items for you to consider => 529 accounts, retirement accounts, death benefits… take time to think it through.
The US has something called Stepped-Up Basis – it is worth learning about. Basically, certain assets (like real estate) have their taxable basis reset at the date of death.
I’ll illustrate with a quick example: Grandpa G bought a house in 1980 and his taxable basis is $50,000. He dies in 2020 and the house is worth $1,000,000. If he sells the house the day before he dies the gain is $950,000. If his estate sells after his death then then gain is $0.
Be aware there are wrinkles to do with trusts and certain types of assets don’t qualify.
With all this stuff => ask an expert.
If you trust someone enough to give them a General Durable Power of Attorney then consider making them a signing officer on an “operating account.”
More than a decade before we needed it, a grandparent did this in our family. This made it easy for a trusted family member to pay bills before we were in a situation to invoke the POA.
It also removes the expectation for the wealthiest member of your family to finance everything, which can create an unnecessary distraction when you should be supporting each other.
Kids => If your kids end up orphaned then you might want to split their “care” from their “finances.” The skills of a Guardian could be very different than those a Conservator. Are you familiar with these terms? Ask your lawyer to explain.
Andy used to joke that all we needed to do was leave him with enough to cover a beach hut in Central America. With a small nest egg, he’d ensure our kids were well loved and became pro surfers…
We miss him dearly.
Final words of advice…
1/. There are good people who are useless under duress
2/. There are people who cope with grief by misusing veto power
Think carefully about who you put in charge and what you let them control.
I have a medical doctor and a military officer in my structure => individuals I trust to be compassionate, and execute my wishes, under duress.
This a quick outline – take expert advice from someone familiar with your jurisdiction.
I’m not an expert. Over the years, I have hired experts and it has proven to be money well spent.
Saturday, when I wrote about wanting to blame someone… it was because I spent the night before blaming Andy.
By Sunday, I was able to shift my focus to something useful. I asked…
How’d this happen?
Let’s start with that question.
The goes way back to something call the Turkey Problem.
The turkey is good every single day until just before Thanksgiving… then it gets chopped.
Most gamblers have something in common, early positive feedback with risk.
Andy had a lifetime of strongly positive feedback (aside from two knee surgeries, a broken ankle and waking up at the base of a tree with a separated shoulder). He saw his injuries as a cost of doing business and handled them with grace.
Andy was in fantastic shape, looked really good and enjoyed the outdoors. Andy’s life worked for Andy. I respected his right to live the way he wanted. In many ways, he was an ideal brother-in-law.
Like all of us, his attitude was influenced by feedback on his choices.
Lots of positive feedback.
A key difference between me and many around me… I’m OK with providing direct, negative feedback.
Something I tell my kids, people can get away with a lot of bad choices on snow. It’s a forgiving medium. I say this when we see people doing silly stuff in avalanche terrain. For all the wacky stuff we see… very few folks actually die.
Rock is much less forgiving and it’s RIGHT THERE in Boulder.
Walking out my door, I can see multiple accident sites by spinning my head 180-degrees. On foot, I can get to Andy’s accident site in half an hour.
My kids are going to have opportunity, and access, to the mountains.
So, as a parent, I need to look deeper.
I need to look to the root causes of faulty thinking.
What else does it take?
Tribe
To kill yourself you need peers who think unacceptable risks are acceptable.
This summer Andy (briefly) fell out with my wife when I forced her to choose between: (a) allowing our daughter to ride technical mountain biking terrain with him, and (b) following my wishes.
My wife never told her favorite person in the world it was my decision behind the scene. I’d spent enough time with Andy to be very uncomfortable with his definition of reasonable, especially for a kid.
I am smiling right now thinking about kid-Andy.
The vision I have in my head… he’s on a Big Wheel, sending a huge ramp with a massive smile on his face.
Hair flowing behind him, full of joy.
It’s a good way to remember him.
Joyful.
I absolutely respected Andy’s ability to make his own choices. It was his risk evangelism that bothered me, to the point of stepping in.
Andy would be happy he didn’t take anyone with him. I know he truly didn’t see the risks he was taking as unreasonable.
Andy would want me to apologize to the college kids (who gave CPR to a dead man) and first responders (who cleaned up his bloody accident scene).
Andy didn’t think past his landing – a lesson I’ve been teaching my son since we started skiing extreme terrain.
A teaching I pass to you right now => Think Past Your Landing
14th out of 731 athletes on the segment that killed him. “Cat Food” is deeply missed. The day he died was his second fastest time up the Flatirons Freeway. The app on Andy’s broken phone tells us, “Take 2:31 off to earn the crown.” There are some games you don’t want to play.
This year, Andy decided to add climbing to his routine.
Eight weeks after setting his speed record on the Second Flatiron, he fell and died.
Locked down due to COVID, then driving past the Flatirons on the way to work… I understand why he wanted to climb.
Heck, I want to climb too! 🙂
But I don’t.
Tribe => I choose mine wisely. One of my kids is hysterically risk adverse – I love her for it and I need her in my life.
Same deal in finance and investing – I read about ruin. I write about ruin. I search for, and teach about, ruin!
I rarely watch video but, before each winter season, I watch clips of skiers being caught in avalanches. The goal is to scare myself and make a remote possibility seem more salient.
It’s a bit like watching Shark Week before a beach vacation.
These techniques work.
Like I said at the start, I reviewed the accident site.
Unfortunately, there’s not much to see up there. Andy climbed to a spot that was above his skill level and fell.
However, as a parent, there is a lot to consider.
How can we create an environment where our kids have the capacity to avoid needless death, while enjoying a life with meaning?
This morning, I started with my son.
At the base of Flatirons, I described Andy’s last climb (start to finish) and told him, “Andy did not need to die.”
Then we hiked up to the accident site while brainstorming factors that led to Andy’s death.
No partner
No rope
No traction
Unaware of conditions above him
Climbed past his bail out points
Lack of skill to down climb his route
Moving fast in consequential terrain
As we walked back down the trail, I planted a seed.
I’d really like you to join me at my 75th Birthday. We’ll hit the buffet then smash some bumps together.
I visited the accident scene yesterday afternoon. I often react too strongly in the very short term. So I’m going to sit on my thoughts for a few days.
What a week.
I want you to know that your thoughts, cards, letters, emails, meals, flowers, errand assistance, childcare, socially-distant visits… all have helped. Much more than I would have expected.
So thank you.
Something I’ve been watching in myself. Watching and feeling.
When I’m under a lot of stress, there is always a background desire to blame someone, or something, for the situation.
Also helpful, pause and consider, “What best serves the survivors?”
Finally, keeping myself on schedule, and occupied, helps. I raked leaves this morning and felt better, quickly.
Over the next month, the shock will clear and we will move back to normal living, our new normal being without Andy.
I know that many of you would like to help.
Here’s what I recommend, put a date in your calendar 30-45 days from now and reach out to someone in your own family, ideally living alone, who has lost someone close to them in the last year.
Reach out to them in their favorite manner: visit, call, text, email… and simply ask, “how’s it going?”
Let them know you’re looking forward to seeing them and set a date to get together.
Andy’s family was able to learn more about his accident this morning.
On Wednesday evening, after my wife made five days of calls, I was sitting at my desk with Andy’s phone. On a whim, I opened his Strava App to see what he’d been doing over the last little while.
Strava is a web-based application that lets athletes share their training. You can upload from any GPS-enabled device. I use my watch, and my Peloton bike, to automatically share my stuff with anyone who’s interested.
As soon as I opened the app, I saw that Andy had been recording a workout when he fell. Quickly realizing what I had in my hand, I saved the workout and notified the Sheriff’s Office.
I pulled the workout up on Strava and opened satellite view. I saw Andy’s day start at the parking lot, head up the Flatirons Freeway and end up at the morgue. Ugh.
I think the Deputy must have closed Strava when he took possession of Andy’s phone, which didn’t have a passcode on it. Strava only records when you’re moving so this saved the battery life.
Seeing Andy’s day, visually, really hit me. I’m feeling it as I share with you.
Why am I sharing with you?
I am going to tell you why.
Since turning 30, I’ve been gradually whittling away at my acute risk exposure.
Mountaineering
Technical rock climbing
Bike racing
Avalanche terrain
Alcohol abuse
Small propellor-driven aircraft in mountainous terrain
I lost very little by eliminating these items from my life.
Why?
Because I was able to look deeply at the reasons I wanted to hang onto things that could ruin my life.
What’s the source of your risk-seeking behaviors?
For me it was a combination of factors: a lack of impulse control, a short-term high and a desire to do things other people couldn’t (or wouldn’t) do.
Elite sport forced me to address my impulse control issues.
I replaced short-term highs with the serenity that comes from having good judgement.
I refocused my desire to do difficult things… I focus on being a better person over time and have a set of habits that nudge me in this direction => my wife/son are my backcountry partners and I wake up very early each day.
If you are not ready to make a change then I understand. I’ve been working at this for 20 years.
I’ve kept areas of risk in my life.
Traveling alone in the backcountry
Winter driving on highways
Riding bikes on open roads
Skiing the toughest downhill terrain I can manage
Skiing trees
Here’s what I’d like you to do.
Minimize the impact of your choices on the people around you.
Pay attention when friends and associates die doing what you do. I haven’t had a friend die from bike racing but I can put a named-deceased on each of the other lines in my list.
Run a GPS-track in the backcountry and have it automatically ping to a satellite. Every ten minutes my location bounces off a satellite to a web page. Your family is going to want your body when you’re done with it.
Outside the backcountry? How about a Road-ID bracelet and a Garmin Watch.
Share your definition of late. Andy made this crystal clear and it saved us a lot of worry over the years. It also let us know immediately when he was in trouble.
Sure, it’s tough to watch his Strava file on Google Earth, but it’s a lot better than wondering what happened for the rest of our lives.
Those are the big three.
At the micro-level, I mitigate risk with fitness, snow tires, a big vehicle, knowledge, avoiding risk-seeking peers, not calling audibles, turning around and carrying everything I need for running into someone else’s emergency (because it’s never going to happen to me, right?). 😉
Risk works both ways. Lots of little risks become material, yes.
But also, chopping your tail risk and combining with mitigating factors… can reduce your likely penalty over a lifetime of repeating the same choices.
And, just in case you get chopped, remember the Big Three => Pay Attention, Run GPS to a Satellite and Define Late for those who love you.
One last thing.
Here’s how I make key decisions in my life.
September of 2000: I was sitting in a very nice townhome in Hong Kong. At 31 years old, I had arrived at the top of socio-economic pyramid, exceeding my wildest childhood dreams.
I was doing work that I was good at, and I was well paid for that work. Outside of work, I was a top athlete in the local amateur community and had a great group of friends. Yet…
I felt empty when I looked ten years out. All I could see was an older, wealthier version of myself.
That’s not the life I wanted.
The filter I used…
You’re 50 years old and sitting in a doctor’s office. He tells you the tests came back and you have pancreatic cancer.
How do you feel?
Balance that against something I told my friend KP after he ticked past the age his father died…
Yesterday, I showed M the route Andy was climbing when he had his accident. Tomorrow, a (very kind) first responder will be taking the family to the spot where he was found.
Andy’s death means I need to review my Estate Plan. These articles are going to be a guide for the survivors of my death.
I’m sharing because it’s worth taking the time to sort things out for the people you love. You don’t want them arguing (and feeling victimized by your lack of planning) when they should be focusing on strengthening a survivor mentality
Remember this mantra
Is this my decision to make?
Well, is it?
If it is your decision to make then (1) listen to others, (2) take your time, and (3) do your best.
If it is not your decision to make then, ideally, let go of outcome.
He would have wanted…
For my kids’ entire lives, they have heard me say… “if you don’t want it enough to change then you don’t really want it.”
The post-death equivalent… “if I didn’t care enough to write it down (and have it witnessed by two unconnected parties) then I didn’t care what happened.”
So don’t beat yourselves up trying to figure out what I would have done. If I didn’t specify then I clearly left it for the survivors to decide what’s best, based on the circumstances at the time.
But remember…
Is this my decision to make?
I am not my stuff.
You won’t find me in my stuff.
I am inside every cell of your body and you are going to hear me inside your head for the rest of your life.
So make peace with me.
That said, it’s human nature to want a physical memory of our loved ones. Some examples when the process of sorting personal effects has gone well.
Young death, happened quickly, not a lot of assets => everyone connected to the deceased got to pick one item from his stuff. No questions asked. First, his family took what they wanted, Second, friends took one thing to remember him.
Old death, happened gradually, plenty of assets => there was a gradual reduction in personal effects, over decades. Gradual gifting and relaxed discussions sorted who-gets-what at least a decade prior to death. She even went so far as to label the items in her home for which kid would receive.
Before you take anything…
Clear with the person who’s decision it is to make
Document their permission – memories don’t work (at all) under stress
That’s kind of fast…
If you are a young person, or someone who has been spared life changing grief, then acknowledge you know nothing about what the survivors are going through.
Loss of a child, loss of a parent, loss of a spouse => big life cycle events.
If you’ve never been there then resist the urge to offer your opinion => better to listen and accept.
Til death do us part.
When I die, my marriage is over.
I’ve been thanking my wife, frequently, for as long as I can remember. What a wonderful ride we are having!
I’d prefer my marriage not to continue after my death (but that won’t be my decision to make!).
Anyhow, I’m putting this out there for my kids.
Their role is to support each other and accept (especially, when it’s not their decision to make 😉 ).
This ran longer than expected.
I’ll introduce the technical stuff in another post.
If you look closely at my daughter’s face then you can see the joy that Andy brought to thousands of children. Andy brought love into the world.
In my wife’s life, before memory begins, there was Andy.
He was the one constant that runs through her experience.
On Friday, near the top of Second Flatiron, he fell.
To encourage my kids to process Andy’s death, we’ve offered them the opportunity to make pictures, write letters and make crafts that will be put alongside his body.Before my wife was my wife, there was Andy. I owe him for green lighting me into the family.
Andy had the softest hands of any person I’d ever met.
I’m not sure what that means but we all get a kick out of it.
Wedding Day, July 4th, 2005
Homeboy did a lot of good deeds in his life!
He taught my wife to ride a bike then offered my wife shelter when she shattered her wrist (riding her bike). 🙂
He taught all my kids to swim – my son even got special treatment – he got to start before he was two.
Another good memory.
In our household there’s something called a “Caplan Pour.”
The Caplan Pour is when you grab a bottle of wine and casually dump 2/3rds into your glass.
If anyone notices then a smile and a boyish giggle will suffice.
Andy died on Friday and Halloween was Saturday.
So we had a bit of a wake – it was good to be together, remembering Andy and supporting each other.
Some will say Andy died doing what he loved. I think it is better to remember that he lived doing what he loved!
I have a request to make of you.
The way many of us are acting greatly increases the risk that one of Andy’s sisters will transmit COVID to his parents.
When someone is in the depths of profound grief, it is unreasonable to expect them to push you away.
So please mask up before you approach the survivors.
Let’s not multiply this tragedy.
Each time I look at Andy’s sister, I’m grateful he didn’t use his veto power with me!
OK, another story.
On Friday, I was sitting at my desk when Monica called from Chautauqua.
Andy’s car was in the lot and he was late for work.
This was not good.
Andy didn’t have many rules but he had two rules that helped OCD people (like me) deal with him.
1/ I’m not late until I’m three hours late.
2/ Never worry unless I’m late for work.
He wasn’t three hours late when I got the call but he was late for work and his sister/girlfriend were sitting with a ranger looking up at the Flatirons. They told me there was a rescue going on.
I felt empty.
From that point, I knew the only surprises were going to be good ones.
I headed up as I expected the ladies were about to fall into the abyss of grief.
The day Andy died was a stunner. Waiting for the Sherrif to tell me what I feared, I was struck by the beauty all around me.
Andy’s death was a shock, but it wasn’t a surprise.
He was operating well within his capabilities on a route he knew well.
I know my kids will come back to this piece so I want them to remember this… small risks, repeated, become significant.
Andy and I had very different views on risk, ruin and ethics.
Reading that he would have smiled and told me, “but bro, be sure to remember that’s just your opinion!”
…and he’d be right.
…and I was grateful my kids had an opportunity to be deeply influenced by him.
It’s important to remember that Andy lived exactly as he wanted to live.
…and he respected your ability to do the same.
His tolerance was amazing.
He was even tolerant of the intolerant.
I loved the guy.
Yesterday my son and I went to Chautauqua, I wanted to reclaim that space by laying down some good memories.
My kids have been watching me.
Wanting reassurance that their reaction is appropriate.
Am I too sad?
Am I not sad enough?
What should I do?
Sweetie, there’s no script for dealing with grief. Whatever you feel is OK and it’s normal to be all over the place, for a while.
Providing an outlet for grief before it appears as rage or anger.
Another story!
After we knew on Friday, I went back up to Andy’s car to check things out. My daughter tagged along.
Andy’s car was a reflection of Andy => planner, set of skis, bike, spare shoes, clean clothes and his lunch.
It was the lunch that got me. I came really close to falling to pieces.
Our kids, and spouses sometimes, don’t have the contextual framework to understand that falling to pieces doesn’t mean I’ve fallen to pieces.
In fact, giving yourself permission to absolutely fall apart is an excellent strategy for rebuilding, stronger than before.
Bro, not only did I marry your sister… …I ate your lunch.
I needed a laugh and Caplan’s do make the best PBJs.
There’s 20+ years of these stacked up in his personal effects.
About that planner.
Oh the planners…
My wife spent the last three days working through the planners.
She’s still working.
Many years ago, another Andy (Penfold) did the same thing for Stuart. Back then it was a paper phone book. A => Z. Andy P said it was healing. My wife is experiencing the same thing.
It takes exceptional courage to walk into those phone calls knowing you will be feeling, really feeling, grief.
I don’t want another mom walking into the pool, with her kids, and the receptionist having to tell her what happened.
The capacity to think of others, on your worst days, is a wonderful trait.
Don’t be afraid to feel.
I let the kids have their Halloween parties at school on Friday. After school, I walked them away from the crowd, sat down and started to explain. I went slowly and started by reassuring them that their mother, other sister and cat were OK. I kept it simple and we walked home. I put on the TV (new Mandalorian) and went back out to help the adults.
I didn’t make the call – we went over as a family.
What do you a tell a man who is dealing with your greatest fear?
The death of his son.
I didn’t tell him anything.
I sat with him and listened.
Later, just him and me, I completely fell apart and was grateful for his non-judgement.
The next day, I shared my experience with my daughter. She was relieved to find out I had fallen apart (and perhaps grateful that she didn’t have to listen to me suffer, which freaks her out).
We did a good job of keeping Poppy’s mask on until the conversation turned to death, consciousness and personal reality.
My son had questions.
Questions about death.
We happen to have an expert in the family. His grandfather had a near-death experience as a young man.
So we went over yesterday to see what we could learn.
Afterward, he wasn’t able to fully articulate what he learned.
…but he felt better
…and that was the main point of our visit.
So, when I’m gone, I want you to remember that I gave you my most precious thing.
I gave you exactly what Andy was always willing to give me.
Dan and his dog, Pepper. Dan did a lot of running in his favorite green shirt.
This morning is the first time all my kids have been in school since March 12th.
My mind is bathing in a lack of noise.
True luxury.
There’s been a lot of activity in the last seven months: COVID, protests for justice, protests against those protests, the election, the Supreme Court and the random violence of American society.
It seems noisy but maybe I’ve been paying attention more than usual. When I study American history, I notice the political arena has always been noisy, especially at the Federal level.
Last week, a friend shared that he’s been actively reducing his consumption of news and it’s benefited his mental health. There’s probably something there.
In my own life, I notice a clear association with spending time in a forest and sensations of serenity in the days that follow. Something about trees, I guess.
Paying less attention to noise is a good idea. Taleb explains why in Fooled By Randomness. Basically, most everything that happens in the day-to-day is static and, when we pay attention to static, our thinking becomes impaired.
Better to let time reveal the truth.
And what might time have to say?
COVID’s going to be managed at some point, our President is right about that. When it does, where will we be?
Large on-going fiscal imbalances.
Record borrowing throughout society.
Near zero rates, with the expectation they will continue for some time.
All the stuff I wrote about pre-COVID: debt, risk of ruin, pension deficits, a disconnected ruling class… it’s all still there.
Looking to Japan, this situation can continue for quite some time.
A disconnected ruling class focused on their personal take, a high level of indebtedness, structural deficits, additional borrowing used in the place of reform, social tension due to obvious structural injustices…
There are big challenges at the national scale and I’m concerned for the American Empire.
However, just like good people can scale up to a mob… …an empire in decline can scale down to a wonderful place to live.
Scale matters.
There is a difference between your empire declining and your life.
But continue to pay attention to long term interest rates and Simple, Bedrock Rules of Personal Finance (WSJ article paywall and summary).
In times of geopolitical change, with the challenges listed above, there is a lot of risk around.
We’ve seen how COVID erased business models in a stroke.
Closer to home, I had a neighbor die of CJD this month. Dan was an athletic guy who we watched go from great to dead in less than 45 days. We miss Dan.
My son wrote a short story about how much Dan’s dog misses him. The story haunts me. The saddest thing I can consider is saying goodbye to my kids.
Life can change fast.
I take comfort from the fact that the challenges of COVID have not hung in my memory.
Being one step removed from the healthcare response, COVID is a grind, rather than a traumatic experience.
I look at my family and see we have improved, that we can handle our challenges and do more than we thought possible at the start of this year.
COVID offered us an express lane for self-improvement.
Our adaptability gives me optimism for the future.
Despite an irregular year, my fitness followed a typical pattern with a clear peak around the end of August.
Because of COVID it’s going to be tempting to change things up this winter. I’m not sure that’s a good idea. The earliest I can see a return to racing (other than super-spreader events in soon-to-be-personal-freedom-loving-hotspots) is Q3-2021.
You want to be thinking about multiple base cycles. This season, more than ever, early base is really early… …we’re way out from when you’re going to want to perform.
Here’s some ideas that might help you avoid common pitfalls.
Drop your zones – I spent the last 7 weeks pushing one-rep maxes and climbing mountains. I was either sore or exhausted, and had many days where all I could manage was easy spinning.
The reduced bike load had the effect of drawing down my aerobic bank account. I got my money’s worth and am satisfied with my COVID-summer. Coming back to “real” bike training…
1/ I put in place a 130 bpm HR cap – for this first cycle of the 2021 season. This is just under the top of my “steady” HR zone when I’m fit.
2/ Tested my low-end aerobic fitness (around 120 bpm for me), saw my power had fallen by ~40 watts so pulled 40w out of my FTP estimate and re-calculated my zones.
My 2021 season-opener zones. Best 20-minutes this past season was 265w.
I could train much more intensely but what would the extra effort buy me?
1/ Know when you want to be fit and the type of fitness you require. My required fitness is sustained endurance, with pack, to guide my family on trails and snow.
At 51, my true goal is pushing out the start of old-age, which implies a large functional strength reserve at 60 years old, and a body in orthopedic shape to use it.
The best choice I made in my athletic career was to avoid choices that would jeopardize this overriding goal for my future self.
2/ Closing out 2020, building mojo gets you more than building fitness. We are going to need a lot of mojo to get ourselves from January to Easter.
The lower zones are a wonderful break from having to get psyched for sustained tempo and generating KJs when tired. If ever there was a good time to let go of chronic endurance then now is that time!
3/ Leave space for COVID disruptions. It could be a hectic winter with random quarantines due to positives at my kids schools.
I’m a lot more patient with my kids, my spouse and the reality of my COVID-life… when I’m a little under-done with my training.
Freshness is a good trade for an improved life experience.
At the back of my mind, I’m remembering that my first “COVID winter” started on March 13th. That’s 20 weeks from now!
Yesterday afternoon at the Casa del Gordo
Waking up with a foot of snow on the ground (October 26th) I think caution with pacing my season is warranted.
Hope this helps,
G
PS:
Two big 1RM achievements for me in 2020. 135# overhead and 200# bench.
Earlier in the block, I had missed on 205# and found myself pinned under the bar, in my basement, solo, at 5:30am. Eventually, I rolled out and was fine.
Feel The Byrn 
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