I’ve been the same guy since she married me. I don’t understand why she keeps expecting me to change.
I had no idea about my pal’s marriage so I shared my opinion of our relationship…
Well, you’re a good guy and I’m grateful for everything that you’ve taught me.
Later, I realized that I’ve been on both sides of the conversation many times.
The thoughts, of the husband AND the wife, happen so often they are a habit of mine.
My habit isn’t useful.
Here’s what I’ve learned about personal change.
When I’m resisting a person that knows me well, it is because there is a conflict between (a) the truth of what they are saying; and (b) what I think will make me happy.
An example from my past was a belief that a life of constant exercise and extreme nutrition would make me happy. This was true, until it wasn’t. When it wasn’t true any more, somebody pointing out that my family might benefit from an engaged father, more than a top athlete, could have triggered resistance in me.
An even more simple example would be if my wife pointed out that eating Pad Thai and drinking beer, didn’t appear to make me happier than eating salad and drinking tea!
In the above two examples, I figured things out for myself but there must be other areas where I continue to fool myself.
I pay attention because there is no trigger without truth.
++
Now, the other side of the conversation.
Placing my personal happiness in another person’s capacity to change is foolish.
First, because what I think changes from moment-to-moment!
Second, because when I pay attention to what causes true happiness within me… it has nothing to do with “you changing”, and everything to do with my own choices.
Easy to say, tough to realize.
The way I figured out the above, was to make my desires real by playing “I’ll be happy when…”
Write down everything that will make me happy (once and for all) 🙂
Compare my happy-list to what’s happening when I’m really happy
The speed that people bring hate to a divorcing couple is surprising. It comes quickly and unexpectedly.
Having been through a divorce, I want you to know that the hate isn’t useful.
Getting divorced sucks, for everyone.
It’s worth remembering that nobody is enjoying the process, not even your soon-to-be-ex-spouse.
Your wise friends, knowing that nobody is having fun, will help you remove hate from the situation.
They will do this by listening, without knowing the answer.
They will encourage you to settle your differences with compassion for each other, and the rest of the community.
As for the hate…
When I find myself hating, it is a sign that my own actions are inconsistent my values. Hate is a sign that I need to make a change within my own life.
As for the divorcee…
It’s going to take years for the dust to settle.
After 1,000 days or so, you’ll be able to start the process of understanding the small ways that you might have contributed just-a-little-bit to the divorce.
Once you can see an area for improvement, start there.
Gradual self-improvement will lead you to a wonderful life.
As a triathlon coach, I warned my athletes about the risks of dumb-ass fatigue. I would encourage them to get tired the right way and eliminate habits of pointless fatigue.
Recently, I was at my son’s school for community night. Given that it would be rude to say “dumb-ass” in a room filled with preschool parents, I needed to tailor my language for the audience.
The fatigue in mothers appears deeper than what I experience as a father.
Mommy fatigue reminds me of man flu, which is something that must be experienced to be believed.
I believe you and I wanted to help the community.
So I asked a question…
Do I perform better when I am exhausted?
I shared my experience…
The most fatiguing period of my adult life was spending 1,000 days constantly carrying around the problems of fatherhood. I thought about my problems 24/7 and it was exhausting.
I offered an antidote…
It was impossible for me to transcend my thought habits.
It has proven to be far easier to replace my habits with something useful.
When you find yourself fixated on your problems, pull out your Facebook feed and meditate on pictures that make you feel happy.
Close your eyes and breathe in that happiness.
When your problems reappear, close your eyes for a moment and breathe some happiness into them.
I shared my fatherhood goals…
I realized that aiming for perfection was making me miserable.
My kids don’t need perfection from me.
How should I define achievable success?
Don’t retaliate.
Stick with it.
Aim low, keep improving and we will end up better than we ever expected.
Alan’s article was a reminder of my own capacity for self-harm and a need to remain vigilant against fooling myself. You see, my story is the same with different details.
I make a cameo in the last decade of Alan’s life and my friends have been talking to me about their own experience.
I wanted to share part of a conversation…
A – I could never do that.
G – Never do what?
A – I could never share my story.
G – You might want to be careful with that.
A – Careful with what?
G – Be careful about making affirmations to conceal your truth
When you start to share your truth, you’re likely to discover that it’s really our truth.
An enduring benefit from working across cultures, races, sexual orientation, body mass indices and beauty is an increased capacity to see myself in other people.
If you look closely then you’ll see that power-seekers have a tendency to focus on the wickedness of “them.” It’s an effective argument employed by the media, politicians and our leaders.
Pointing out “their wickedness” is so common that I search for teachers that are careful to avoid an appeal to wickedness.
A story…
My daughter and I were heading into the supermarket in Moab. People in the desert look different than people in Boulder.
Dad, dad… that homeless guy is stealing all the food.
Sweetie, look carefully, he’s taking his groceries to his car.
With her filters off, my daughter reminded me that I have some work to do.
Another example…
The wealth effect of excessive living is obvious. However, if you look deeply then you’ll discover another, far more subtle, effect. You’ll be able to feel a separation between yourself and other people.
As you separate yourself, you will be prone to seeing “their wickedness.”
The physical separation is in plain sight – education policy, gated communities, exclusive clubs, athletic ability…
In Boulder, we don’t need gates, the price of real estate makes an effective barrier to entry, especially when combined with private school fees (so our children are protected from their children).
If you sit quietly then you will feel a deeper separation. It makes us miserable and allows us to be manipulated.
An antidote…
Humility in my own needs
Spending time outside my “tribe”
Looking inwards at my tendency to hold myself separate
The early years of parenting are a blur but two memories persist from the first time I was living with a three-year old.
One memory is hiring a full-time nanny and explaining her job description as “get our oldest out of the house.”
The second memory is trying to generate compassion for our daughter by thinking about how sad I would be if something happened to her.
Now that our middle kid is three, we’re in familiar territory. However, this time it feels different.
I wasn’t able to see what follows until I was taught to look for it.
++
We have a mixing bowl that has each of the kids’ names in it.
We draw a name from the bowl and the kid that wins is Kid-of-the-Day.
Kid-of-the-day gets to choose where s/he sits in the car and what shows we watch.
When we drew Bella’s name out of the bowl, my three-year old (Axel) was jumping for joy because it was his sister’s “day”.
The capacity to experience joy for another person’s good fortune.
I’m grateful to be able to see that in my house.
++
I don’t meditate about my kids dying anymore but I often think about my own death.
Through my contemplation, I can see the transient nature of my little boy. He’s arrived at the end of being little. The “little” phase is nearly done.
It was awesome.
I miss him before he’s gone.
I’ve been working with that feeling to get a better appreciation of life.
As the bumper sticker says, these are the good-old days.
++
When things were very difficult with my eldest, I would assign motive and intent to her behavior.
…she knows what she is doing to me…
In speaking with child development experts, they assured me that it was impossible for a little kid to have intent. Possibly, the kids are picking up on my internal struggles and reflecting them right back at me.
Most likely, my experience is dictated by the turmoil in my own mind.
++
One of the most amazing things about three-year olds is their capacity to switch between emotional states (tears – to joy – to tears – to laughter – to tears),
I remember one time my son had me on the edge. It was the second hour of putting him to sleep, I was exhausted and he was making request after request after request…
I was spending considerable energy not acting on my frustration, and feeling like crying, he says… Daddy, I love you.
…and reminded me that we will never regret not acting on our anger.
I’m told that 2010-2013 were often awful. I wouldn’t know for sure because I have ZERO memory. It’s amazing. Aside from the photos, the early years of my kids are gone.
My wife carries emotional trauma from these years and will flashback when something triggers her. She tells me it’s a really unpleasant sensation.
The memory I have is wondering why I couldn’t transcend my daughter. I used to carry around the difficulties of parenthood. Even when I was away from her, I would hold the difficulties in my mind.
My wife’s the same way – both with her 2010-2013 experience of our daughter as well as with her own childhood memories.
I suspect we’re all prone to carrying around the past.
This might help.
The first step in letting go of an image isn’t letting go, snapping out of it, or moving on…
…my mind doesn’t work that way.
Whether you’re coping with an unpleasant emotion, an addiction or a compulsion…
…far better to give your mind something to grab on to.
Decide on a series of images that you can feel in your body. The feeling you’re looking for is one that mimics joy and love – in my case the sensation in an opening of my heart.
I walk in the forest and contemplate my favorite images.
When I started, I struggled to generate the feelings with the images of my daughter. I kept coming back to the pain image at the top of the page.
So I would start with images of my son and transfer the feelings over to my daughter.
It didn’t work well at first but I stuck with it.
I also spent a lot of time with the source of my discomfort.
…and my daughter grew up
…and I got better at it
…and I realized that what I was doing was training my mind to be able to conjure up a sensation, a feeling, an emotion
…that was different to my prior habits of anger and frustration
The difficult moments remained challenging but I was no longer carrying them around with me.
It was a form of freedom.
I found myself laughing more often and I had a bit more patience, which can be VERY useful when dealing with a cranky three-year old!
Anyhow, if you find seeking dominance to be an ineffective strategy then I hope you remember this post.
Replace your suffering by thinking about things that make you smile.
Bonus points for making the effort while walking in nature!
February contained the most (winter) laughter since my kids were born.
Much better than a gradual slump into seasonally-maladjusted depression!
Rebalancing & Asset Sales
No changes in asset allocation.
Small purchases to rebalance to target allocation.
No year-end tinkering for tax purposes.
Cash and short-term treasuries will fall to 6% of our family balance sheet once we make 2014 retirement purchases before April 15th.
We decided to take three non-yielding assets and put them on the market => a vacant lot, a piece of jewelry and a painting.
These sales could free 10-15% of the family balance sheet.
We expect to save 5-8% of our core cost of living by reducing taxes payable and insurance expenses.
A low tax basis on the vacant lot means there will be capital gains payable. However, we own the house next door and the capital increase on the house (as the neighborhood is upgraded) will mitigate the tax bill from the sale.
Simplification
The biggest change is with my working life. I’ve cut way back with non-family work.
Six years ago, I had over 60 third-party clients. Currently, I work with 3 families. The result is a significant change in weekly time allocation:
Kids/Spouse => 35 hours
Third-party Work => 5 hours
Family Work => 5 hours
House Work => 5 hours
Exercise => 15 hours
Open => 20 hours
The “open” time has been transformative.
I have time to read, write, think and unwind => none of these focus on external achievement, another change.
I also have a lot of flexibility for quick trips and short-term projects. My working life is bursts of focused effort with most projects being 2-10 days long.
Kids
2011-2013 were tough. I’ll write more in a separate post – 2014 was a transformative year for the family.
If you ask me what being a father is like then I might share that it is often horrible.
Feel The Byrn 
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