Aiming For Elite Parenting

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Monica and I tell our friends that we are former elite athletes that are seeking to become elite parents. Life with three young kids is simple (do no harm), but fatiguing. The constant noise has a big impact on me:

  • reduced creativity
  • increased fatigue
  • impaired hearing
  • reduced capacity to focus

Providing I get my exercise, and daily quiet time, it doesn’t seem to mess up my overall life experience. It does, however, have a productivity cost on my “external” life. I’m already thinking about what I’ll do with myself when our youngest goes into elementary school. I’ll need to start a fifth career!

As a writer, morning is most most creative time. Thing is… with a new baby in the house, 7-10am is a valuable parenting time for me to assist. Add some exercise, a meal, clearing urgent requests… and my work life has been significantly compressed. Productivity becomes key and I’m grateful that I reduced my consulting workload in advance of the birth of our third.

On our hard days, I joke to Monica that it is scientifically proven that we won’t remember much of this phase of our lives. Already, we both have zero recall of the first six months of our eldest daughter’s life – just a few photos remain!

If you are feeling overwhelmed by preschoolers then remember that this is a temporary phase and you’re unlikely to remember much. Hang onto your health, your marriage and your personal sanity.

Here’s a tip for those of you with multiple youngsters in the house: every other weekend, I take our most energetic kid away for the weekend. This lets me teach her and gives my wife a ‘break’ with ‘only’ two kids. When I started doing this, I would be wrecked afterwards. However, I’m getting used to the routine and my recovery times have shortened.

Coping with change is a personal strength but change is never easy. A coping mechanism that I’ve been using is seeking to optimize for what is best for the entire family, rather than myself. More about that next week.

 

 

Understanding Memory

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In the recommended reading section, you’ll find three authors that have helped me realize the limits, and benefits, of memory (Cialdini, Kahneman, Munger). Understanding how memory works is helpful for:

  • Creating systems to avoid repeating mistakes
  • Creating schedules to refresh one’s self in the memories of key individuals
  • Understanding how the recent past will skew current decision making
  • ‘Tricking’ yourself into satisfaction

My main system for personal planning is my annual review (an extract from my plan). In my extract, you’ll find notes (some dating back to ancient times) that show how I sustain memories.

A handful of individuals have had a disproportionately positive impact on my life. It’s near impossible to know which situations are going to be “big winners” (hopefully, your spouse and kids score well). Focusing on my “winners” is a strategy that’s served me well.

Two weeks ago, I shared how I map my family eco-system. I’ve found that having fun once a quarter is what it takes to have a strong relationship with people (I don’t live with). Between the quarterly “fun,” I like to work on projects with the key people in my life.

Understanding the impact of the recent past is what I want to discuss today. Specifically, how past memories influence current investment decisions. 

I’ve found that my memory is dominated by the last three years and this is very dangerous for my decision making. An example can been found in our perception of public figures – cast your mind back to:

  • Bill Clinton (impeached in December 1998)
  • Yahoo (peak market cap in January 2000)
  • Tiger Woods (infidelity scandal in November 2009)

The value in understanding the flaws of memory, lies not in keeping ourselves vigilant towards others! The value lies in avoiding traps in our own lives.

Since 2009:

  • the yield on low-risk assets has disappeared
  • investment capital has been tough to find
  • most of us have experienced very low inflation
  • long-term interest rates are the lowest for 150 years

Despite the unique nature of all-of-the-above, most of us expect these situations to prevail for the next three years. In my cognitive world, three-years-backwards and three-years-forwards seems very close to the definition of forever. Some big mistakes are going to be made over the next decade!

Whether I’m feeling stressed about the rate of return on my portfolio, or worried that my kids will never mature… I’m going to give too much weight to the last 18 months and expectations for the next 18 months.

My family history tells me that the near-future (measured ten years out) is going to be nothing like we expect. For 20 years out, we’re totally clueless! 

I would encourage you to pause and consider how the recent past may be skewing current judgements. I’ve been finding mistakes in my own thinking (some potentially worth a lot of money to my family).

I’m going to share a couple of mantras that I use when I’m unsure. The present is so different from the last 50 years that I’m returning to basics:

  • If in doubt then wait
  • The most important part of investing is saving
  • Be patient, wait for panics and mean reversion
  • Collect experiences, not possessions

To end, remember that we can favorably skew the memories of others by having fun with them quarterly!

Finally, ask your spouse (or kids) how often they have fun with you. With the holidays coming up, we can get strategic benefit from fun and strategic gifting (small, frequent and unexpected).

Athletic Illusions

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Question from a reader:

Why do we tend to crave/desire/pursue a path that doesn’t necessarily makes us happy? How come the external success (money, speed- race results, etc.) we work so hard for (both mentally and physically) does not lead to us being happier? Why does that disconnect which you wrote about it exist? How come external success is an illusion?

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I’m going to share some insights but much better would be to read Thinking, Fast and Slow as well as Seeking Wisdom. It takes effort (that most will never make!) to understand those books. The knowledge you gain will serve you, and your family, very well. Applying the knowledge in the books has saved my family time, money and suffering.

To kick off, not everyone makes poor decisions – I make poor decisions in some areas and excellent decisions in other areas. So consider the specific area where you’d like to improve. The areas where I make poor decisions (trusting too much, character) have been the same for many years. Knowing my blind spots, I make those decisions more slowly and take advice from my wife (much stronger in that area than me).

I accept the fact that my family is going to make mistakes – what we want to do is share the knowledge from our mistakes, write it down, and remind ourselves of the mistakes in our family’s history. I also want to make sure that we evaluate decisions based on the information we had when we made the decision. Written records such as file notes, investment summaries, budgets and strategic plans are essential to learn from decisions and evaluate the quality of those choices.

You mention happiness – my most important technique is to write down the characteristics of my “good days.” The simplicity of these days amazed me – because they were so simple, nothing stood out and nothing was remembered! The pleasure of quiet serenity disappears into the background stress of a busy life. 

Because I know that the media doesn’t understand what makes me happy, I do my best to limit media sources. If you look deeply at the source of the goals that leave you most disatisfied then you’ll often find a root in our popular culture, reflected in all sources of media (most toxic are popular culture, anonymous forums and tabloid journalism – we must ditch these when self-esteem is an issue).

The happiest weeks of my life are when I disconnect and exercise with my wife in nature. I share this observation because it is the purest form of my athletic motivation and I don’t need to win, or even attend races, to achieve this goal! A big motivator for my current restructuring is arriving at a point where I can greatly reduce connectivity. So far, I’ve managed to break free from Facebook and greatly reduce email time – thousands of (serene) hours will flow into my life from these two changes.

Think deeply about endurance sports and you may see that it is the time alone, and the exercise, that drives the psychic reward. It’s not the achievement. 

With athletic goals, I’ve released myself from the expectation that ANY goal will ever make me happy. This is very different from focusing on a thought that achieving goals will never make me happy. I’ll explain.

If the goal is happiness then focus on what makes you happy… …working towards goals that create a life with meaning.

Goals provide incentives to create a way of life via structure. Structure, routine and directed work (resulting in progress) create meaning. Making the transition to seeing “a way of life” enabled me to take a holistic approach to athletics. If the goal is an incentive to follow a path then the game is about the “how.” I have many roles… husband, father, teacher, coach, writer, employee, custodian, fiduciary… I meet my commitments to those roles while working towards my goals. I’m cautious about making commitments and stubborn about keeping them.

Even if goals are illusory, even if they won’t bring happiness in themselves, even if I’m going to want something different in ten years times… my current life is far better when I am engaged in a project that creates value for myself, and my inner circle.

The key is to think deeply so that I choose wisely.

That’s the purpose of my writings.

 

A Family Web

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One of the great things about having friends that are older than me is the ability to access their experience. The things that bring me satisfaction in my 20s, 30s and 40s are similar but not identical. I’m not great at predicting what I’ll value in ten years time and need to be cautious with major decisions.

I’ve never had strong attachment to geography, or possessions. Earlier this year, I created a plan to move my family from Colorado to California. I started with the numbers… primarily a budget and a real estate search. The numbers showed a significant increase in my cost of living. Given that I wasn’t cash flow positive at the time, I made the decision to downsize, then reassess.

As part of my review, I considered the people in my life. A common “problem” of old age is loneliness and constantly hopping around the world makes it tougher to establish roots. Given that we have three kids, a strategic goal for my 50s is to create a life where my kids will visit, at least occassionally.

So I drew a picture – I’ve generalized into categories for this article. My original chart started with the people who are important to me and the people with whom I spend a lot of time. It took me a couple of iterations to get to what you see below.

Family_chart

I’ll chat you through the key parts of the wheel:

Spouse – my wife is “me” both legally and practically. That’s how we’ve set up our marriage and how I manage my life. Full disclosure and unity exposes us to risk but greatly increases our likelihood of success. Also makes it easy for me to explain my relationship, “just assume we’re, effectively, the same person.”

Kids – I’ve changed my life to spend a ton of time with my kids. With preschoolers, and spouses, I’ve found that near daily involvement works best. That said, we schedule breaks from each other. It’s always tempting not to take a break.

Friends & Mentors – I ask myself, “Who are the people that I’d travel to visit?” Even for people in your hometown, this is a good test of how much you value the relationship. If you don’t care enough to travel then you probably don’t care. Most my friends are mentors, helping me improve an aspect of my life. 

Key Family – same test as Friends & Mentors – if I won’t travel then they aren’t key.

Secondary Family – even if people aren’t key to me, they might be key for educating my kids, important to my wife or essential for the overall strength of my family. It is worth making an effort to maintain a relationship with these people.

Career / Work / Education – how do I fully utilize my skills and create a life with meaning outside of my friends and family?

Family & Business Support – I run a number of functions within my family and work life. Who are the key people that help me achieve my family and business goals?

Succession Plan – Who replaces me if I die suddenly? In thinking about the sudden death role, I consider: acceptable to spouse and family; independence; known to spouse for a long time; family connections between generations; and alignment with family values. If I live a long life then it’s up to my wife and me to guide the education of our kids (an important legacy that we will leave behind).

Community – this is an area where most of my friends have deeper ties. I suspect that community roots will become more important as I age. My strongest community is virtual yet my older pals value their face-to-face community most highly.

Once I had all the names down on paper, I wrote everyone’s country and state beside their name. As an international man of mystery, it surprised me that 90% of my spokes were Colorado-based. Most of the out-of-state connections were likely to move over a ten-year time horizon. Further, many of my non-Boulder buddies tell me that they are likely to move within five years. 

I’ve made a similar chart for places (rather than people) in my hometown. I like my life to have a high walkability index with easy access to childcare, schools, groceries, coffee, restaurants, weight training and bike routes.

This was a surprisingly useful tool to explain my life to the key people in my web. Within a family, it is surprising how little we know about the other members.

In private, I asked myself if my actual time allocation matched my life’s priorities, and those of my family. I’m laying out my next 12 months and my chart helped me set priorities.

Take time to consider who’s truly important.

 

Fifty Fifty

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When I catch myself feeling entitled to anything, I remind myself of a favorite quote:

Why spend your life gathering possessions so that you can be treated like an invalid?

It takes deep self-confidence to resist the trap of replacing self-love with being served by others, or gathering possessions. The West is known as a consumer society, with endless association between ownership and happiness via the media. On the other hand, having lived in Asia, relying on cheap labor for personal happiness (or corporate profits) can be equally dangerous.

Simplicity and self-sufficiency work for me. However, managing a house with three young kids, I’ve found myself relying more and more on outside assistance to create space in my life. I tell myself that it is a temporary situation; time will tell if that is true.

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Many couples have a desire for relationships to be 50:50, right down the middle, a true partnership… I would recommend caution with elevating fairness in a relationship, it’s going to be there without making it a stated goal. 

Far better, is to have a goal of supporting your family members to achieve their own definition of personal happiness. This avoids common pitfalls of ensuring fairness.

#1 is counting – if you’re seeking to ensure 50:50 living then you need to keep score, a lot. Rather than splitting things down the middle, we seek to create a routine and let each of us specialize in what is required to run the family. Routine and specialization. This eliminates frequent negotiation and counting – both add little value and drain productivity.

#2 is control – if I’m going to keep track of everything you do (to ensure fairness) then I’m going to have to keep an eye on you! Another waste of time and you’re setting yourself up for disaster if kids arrive. When children arrive, you’re likely to find that your optimal solution is to reduce the time that you’re together. 

For example, the fatigue I feel from our four year old is not reduced when my wife and I spend time with her together. In fact, it is increased (!) because I’m watching fatigue flow into my wife.

In a healthy relationship much of what your partner does will be hidden from view. So an equitable relationship implies both parties constantly doing (what appears to be) more than their fair share. 

I remind myself that if things appear balanced then I need to do more. 

If things appear comfortable then I need to do WAY more!

 

Not Normal

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Whatever your thoughts on Lance, you’d have to be quite a hater to miss the fact that he has a great sense of humor. An example from Tyler’s book being his use of “not normal” to describe the performances of his competition. 

One of the sad things about losing confidence in a situation is the filter that it places over the actions, and performances, of individuals. Lance says “not normal.” My favorite observation is “improved nutrition.”

Since reading Tyler’s book, I’ve been chuckling to myself as a lot of “not normal” incidents come back to me. It can take take an established pro years to get their nutrition “just right.” It’s healthier to laugh than to get bitter or angry!

In private, I’m often asked to name names when the topic of doping comes up. I’m very reluctant to do so. Across many years of hanging with triathletes and cyclists, I’ve only had two buddies admit to doping (but plenty that point the finger, usually at foreigners). That said, I have a good strategic mind and have been putting the pieces together.

What does a very sad situation in cycling tell us about the structure of a corrupt society? What’s “not normal” in triathlon, or any sport we love? Jot a few names down beside each of these bullets then connect the dots…

  • Athletes that test positive
  • Athletes that trained with teams that had a culture of doping
  • Athletes based close to centers of doping
  • Performances that defy human physiology
  • Cheat on their significant others and break business contracts
  • Cut courses
  • Lie about their backgrounds
  • Doctors and coaches with criminal convictions
  • Sudden, and large, performance jumps when previously well trained
  • Train abroad, far away from doping controls

For the group above, expand to include:

  • Closest training partners
  • Spouses and significant others
  • Athletes that dominated the people you think cheated

I don’t name names because the list above includes most my friends, some of my coaches and myself. The tough thing about losing confidence is my entire reality of elite sport crumbles. For my wife, Vino’s (of Astana) positive was her vomit moment. My vomit moments have hit far closer to home.

For the exercise physiology alone, at what level should we pitch our definition of normal? Pre-EPO (80s)? Pre-anabolics (70s)? Pre-amphetamines (60s)? Cyclists were blood doping at the 1984 Olympics, why wouldn’t triathletes? It’s too complicated so I opt out.

Tyler’s book gives a clear example of what happens when everybody loses confidence in their peers – you can’t have a good day without people thinking you’re a cheat. Corruption sucks the enjoyment out of life.

This brings me to the central truth about personal ethics… …if you are straight then you are the only person that will ever know. Do your work, stand back and be satisfied with your best. 

It is difficult, and unhealthy, to go through life thinking that everyone’s screwing you. Far easier to trust folks and avoid corrupt societies. This isn’t about a teenager’s “right” to be an elite athlete – we will each have to make the call in our own lives – at work, with friends, in our marriages and with our kids.

Most people choose to remain silent.

Lexi At Four

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Last year I posted my daughter’s birthday card. Here’s what I’m telling her this year…

Happy Birthday Sweetie,

At four you are full of energy and untamed.

I hope you keep your excitement as you grow up. When I find myself tired, and spending time with you, I remind myself that enthusiasm is a special quality. Keep your passion for living!

Remember to breathe when you feel anger or hate. Take two breaths and fill your body with love. Love is like a seed – water that seed and you will grow into a beautiful person.

You are a very special girl and we love you very much.

Be gentle with the world.

Love,

Dad

++

I hope you’re able to make time to love someone this coming week.

 

Portfolio Theory

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One of the challenges with managing investments is filtering opportuites that present themselves. To make decision making easier, I’ve created a series of filters. I’ll share them and explain a little about each.

Thinking through your own filters can help you avoid mistakes. The deals that end up sucking time, for little return, nearly always fall outside these parameters.

Simple – if something is complicated to manage, or understand, then I don’t bother. This means that I “miss out” on emerging industries and don’t look at technology investments. I acknowledge that the only way I would make money via complexity would be luck, so I skip.

Low cost to hold – holding costly investments hurts, and can force you to sell at poor times.

Focused on long term capital gain – a long horizon reduces the urge to try to make a quick buck by buying things that are cheap. I ask myself, “Where is this investment likely to be in 25 years?”

Liquid in event of capital being required – I’m careful with putting capital into a situation where I might not be able to get it out (at any price).

Tax effective – part of the reason I like residential property is the ability to write off the value of the house against current income. There is a segment of my portfolio that I never expect to sell and the capital gain will “reset” on my death.

If it won’t make a difference then wait – I’m often tempted to make small investments and tinker. History tells me that it’s better to wait and invest only when the fundamentals are extremely compelling.

For advisors that recommend that you to deviate from your principals, consider their financial incentives.

 

Conspiracy Theories

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A couple weeks ago, I wrote about financial karma. In my athletic life, I have been watching another example of karma – the exposure of an entire generation of athletic fraud. It’s a classic human drama and extremely painful to the millions that placed their happiness in the hands of sporting heroes.

When I lived in Asia, the staff at the office used to find my tendency to think the best of people to be quaint, and extremely naive. Despite chuckling at me, it was seen as a positive quality by my boss and peers.

The meltdown in cycling got me thinking about the different conspiracies I’ve experienced in my life:

  • Sexual Abuse of Children and Minors
  • Infidentily
  • Fraudulent Transfer
  • Larceny
  • Perjury
  • False Academic Credentials
  • Athletic Fraud (doping, course cutting)
  • Wilful Misrepresentation

That’s a pretty big list for simple guy from Vancouver.

As you’re pulling down the cycling posters on your garage wall, know that I feel your pain. I came to a similar conclusion about my own sport (triathlon) years ago. It really sucked for a couple weeks but I came out of it. You’ll come out of it.

Despite experiencing a laundry list of conspiracies, I continue to believe that trusting people is the best policy. However, I have certain rules of thumb that I apply in personal and business dealings.

First up, people generally focus on the financial risks of fraud. The true suffering is emotional and the true cost is lost time. So my tips are designed to minimize wasted time and limit the suffering when life disappoints.

There’s never just one cockroach – fraud runs in patterns, over time and in peer groups.

Force yourself to take references and listen to what people are telling you. People never want to give bad news, especially to strangers.

Check resumes – criminal and credit checks are far cheaper than what a crooked relationship will cost you. I’ve come across a surprising number of successful people that fake their credentials.

Follow the money – if you have concerns then audit the cash. A clear audit policy is a very positive incentive to the key people in your life.

Use the “death” penalty – remember that people rarely act alone, when you come across a serious violation of your personal ethics then clear out the entire group of peers. In business this can mean firing the entire management team. In my personal life, it’s more common to remove yourself from the peer group.

The points may sound draconian. To the above, I’d add forgiveness. Forgive people when things don’t work out – holding a grudge extends your suffering and costs you additional time, that you will never get back.

When you’re in the midst of the fraud, write everything down. We do a poor job of remembering when stressed. I started a habit of writing “file notes” when I was 20 years old and they have proven highly valuable.

While people change, the personality traits that cause people to make a habit of the easy way are tough to overcome. One of the reasons I write things down is because I’m always tempted to bring people back into my life after a few years have passed. Forgiveness is different than having someone in your inner circle.

In the uncertain world of human relationships, remember that past decisions are the most reliable indicator of future choices.

Be your own hero.

 

Night and Day

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Yesterday afternoon, my wife commented that the difference in my personality from April to September is night-and-day. Success!

What changed? I’ve worked with hundreds of athletic parents and the conversation is nearly always about seeking to fit more in their lives. My answer has been a devotion to less. 

I touched on aspects of my changes back in July. Cutting social networks and sitting quietly for ten minutes a day are changes are available to everyone, immediately, and cost you ZERO net time. Frankly, when you factor in all the time we waste processing social clutter in our minds, you can put hundreds of hours into your year by dumping Facebook alone.

Most people won’t be able to pull off what follows – my friends in their 60s and 70s understand my choices more than my pals in their 20s. I’m not recommending this path – just sharing what was required for me to achieve peace of mind in a house packed with young children.

The month before, and after, my move were emotionally tough. However, three months in, the family prefers the smaller, more convenient location. We’re in a rental and have been discussing where we’d like to live after we sell our old place.

But the benefit of the move isn’t in the house, or the street. The move enabled me to change the way I live.

  • Three days a week, I jog a mile to my daughter’s school (she rides), we play a bit then I either walk home, or continue my run.
  • I can walk to meetings and social events in downtown Boulder – I try to arrive 15 minutes early so I can walk slowly and relax.
  • I take at least one kid for a walk every night.

So I’ve inserted eight walks per week of about 15 minutes duration. I’ve read about walking meditation and that’s not what I’m doing. The main benefit is being unplugged.

Unless I’m going to a business meeting, I walk without phone, watch or time pressure. Previously, I would drive everywhere because my day was crammed with things-I-had-to-get done. I now have less to do because:

  • I released myself from the self-imposed pressure to perform athletics a high level.
  • I accepted the possibility of a permanent reduction in my financial standard of living.

It is surprisingly difficult to train and work less. Looking deeply into my life, I saw my external successes as illusions. Still, it’s difficult to leave them behind.

The key illusions are my drive to do more and spend more time on generating external validation of my passions. Far better to do well and focus on repeating what gives satisfaction.

There is a disconnect between what I think will make me happy and what actually happens on the days when I am most peaceful. So across the summer I took notes on my good days and realized that life-is-better-when:

  • I’m fit
  • I write
  • I’m underscheduled
  • I spend time (individually) with my wife and kids
  • I have a cold room to sleep in and get the rest I need

In August, my wife asked me how much I spent per annum as an elite athlete – a deeply-satisfying period of my life with immense personal freedom. I thought about it and my core expenses were $50,000 per annum.

I compared my core expenses (me alone, not with three kids) to my net worth and earning capacity. I came to the conclusion that my good days were indicating that I’d be happier living in a trailer park (with great air conditioning) than beating myself up to provide for a life that has nothing to do with what makes me happy.

It’s about this time that I started talking about living in a double-wide and having a fulltime nanny. My wife never understood what that was about – now she knows.

Over the past year, I took a gamble that if I made myself happy, I would be able to transform myself into a world-class parent and husband. In becoming a better man, I would surround myself with love and that would compensate for the reduction in external living standards.

When life is good, ask why.