Tag Archives: anger

My Children’s Laughter

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Loading UpIn my mid-20s, it dawned on me that I had saved enough money to sail around the world.

Instead of a trip, I took a promotion.

By my early 30s, my net worth had grown and I took a leave of absence, to effectively, exercise all-day everyday.

It wasn’t a feeling of financial security that pushed me to make the change.

It was a set back, an unexpected divorce.

Other major changes have been triggered by unemployment or massive financial loss. In buddies, I’ve seen health issues as the trigger.

Most recently, it’s been misery. Unexpected misery has proven to be the most useful part of parenting.

A story about coping…

BelleSince 2008, I’ve done, or seriously considered…

  • Studying ministry
  • Teaching my kids, my wife’s family’s religion
  • Selling my house, buying a catamaran, sailing around the world – this would include boat-schooling my kids
  • A bioscience degree
  • Various start-ups
  • Returning to finance
  • Pursuing a world-title in a niche sport
  • Pursuing a world-title in another, even smaller, niche sport
  • Relocating to Australia
  • Relocating to California

Pretty big list but I’ve discovered that major change is unlikely to be the solution to a question, that I’ve had difficulty framing.

In my search, two mantras popped up…

2016-01-28 10.03.11Everything I need can be found at home – there is no happiness available in a new sport, new town, new house, new job, new partner… that isn’t available within my existing life.

2016-01-27 11.38.06Meaningful work is part of the solution – everything that I’ve enjoyed in my life is a result of effort. I’m constantly trying to fool myself that doing less will create more happiness. I have the means to make myself miserable through sloth.

Road tripBut what to do?

There are two traits with guaranteed huge payoffs to myself and every person with whom I interact – patience and kindness.

Patience moves my inner life towards serenity.

Kindness vaccinates my mind against anxiety and the opinions of others.

At some stage in your life, I hope you realize that you are free. When that realization touches fear, and a feeling of “WTF now?!”, I hope you remember to fall back on kindness and patience.

What does all this have to do with my kids’ laughing?

After five years of effort, I wouldn’t describe my inner life as jovial. However, I live with three of the happiest children in the world.

When I listen to their frequent laughter, I know that I am happy enough.

 

Survival Tips For A Sad Parent

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2015-09-18 19.23.04A father with two young children asks, “Is there anything you could recommend to make my family life less awful?”

I can’t wave a wand and make it enjoyable. However, I take comfort in the knowledge that there are many people that enjoy young children.

Let’s start with some tips for maintaining your personal sanity and your marriage.

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2015-09-09 18.36.01Perspective

Listening to parents talk about their kids, and the scars of their own childhoods, it’s universally reported that little kids are challenging people to live alongside.

My current experience is one day out of ten is very tough. If I want to get dramatic, then I can extrapolate to 40 days a year that are awful… more than a month a year in suffering!

However, if I look deeply then it is closer to 100 hours a year, and I’m with my kids a lot.

Looking even deeper… I break it down to a couple “moments” each day where I need to resist my urge to retaliate and settle a sensation of internal panic.

Five years ago, it was closer to ten “moments” a day, and I spent far less time with the kids.

It’s important to recognize the positive trend line in our lives.

So what seems like constant bedlam (to my remembering self) is, more accurately, twenty moments a week when I need to be skillful, or simply not make the situation worse!

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2015-09-10 11.40.34A Hard Truth

From the time your oldest turns two until your youngest enters first grade — it’s not about you.

If you were the prettiest girl in high school, the captain of your varsity sports team, or the highest achiever in your firm then this reality will come as a shock.

I understand that you are shocked by your situation.

I was also shocked.

We should both set a date to get over it.

Your kids are going to present you with an opportunity to become better than you are.

Take the opportunity because a self-serving attitude will become one of the key regrets of your life.

Ask around.

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2015-09-12 18.48.03All We Have Is Time

Most of the pain I felt in the early years had to do with a conflict of choice => further external validation versus doing what’s best for my family.

So I jettisoned the easy stuff – anything that cost significant time and money – went.

What has worked is redirecting the additional spending towards childcare that enables me to spend time with my spouse and alone (in nature, in silence).

You might find it tempting to let your spouse get overwhelmed – losing health, embracing addiction, breaking down mentally.

Make a pact that you won’t let each other go that far. The kids will grow up and neither of you will want to be married to that sort of person.

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What You Control

What changes can I make to offer my family a better version of myself?

  1. Say no to non-core
  2. Practice not-response

I work on a small scale and life consistently gets better.

Give A Minute

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minuteA simple way to reduce the noise in your head.

  • When you can feel yourself closing off,
  • or anger rising,
  • or have been asked to do something that you’re rather not…

…give a minute

2015-08-30 18.20.58

  • When my kids aren’t listening to me…
  • or I think they aren’t complying…
  • or they are arguing with each other…

…give a minute

2015-08-20 17.02.24By giving bits of time, I immediately removed half the conflict out my life and was able to leave the past, in the past.

It’s wonderful.

2015-08-30 19.43.37

You are going to tell yourself that you don’t have the time to give a minute.

I can feel rushed as well.

Perhaps you can start small.

I started by giving seconds away when driving.

Yield.

If you start then pay attention.

Pay attention to what happens after.

By giving time I feel less pain.

Yes, I am a little slower when we are together but this is more than compensated by peace of mind when we are apart.

You’ll be surprised at how little time it takes to transform yourself.

Stay open.

Alpha Child

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If you have a high-energy youngster living under your roof then this might prove helpful.

The first thing I remind myself is there’s nothing, and no one, to fix. My kids are happy and the feedback from the outside world is positive.

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I ask myself, “With this child, what’s my role?”

My role is to avoid becoming the problem.

Which implies…

  • taking care of my sleep, my body, my mind and my habits
  • ensuring that I get enough silent time (alone and in nature)
  • steering away from the urge for revenge, aggression and anger

Ideas!

All Day Engagement – a bored alpha child makes everyone miserable, including herself. While some kids can putter and amuse themselves (see below), our oldest does best with a structured day with unstructured breaks.

Ritual & Routine – from birth, my wife has done an excellent job of conditioning the kids to relax when their heads are wrapped in a soft cotton blanket. It works so well that our oldest will resist when she doesn’t want to relax. Ritual and routine are soothing to an anxious child.

Parent Like Dora – if you’ve watched Dora the Explorer then you’ll know that each show features three steps.

To give my kids something to latch onto, I’m always explaining the next three steps…

  • Dinner, Bike, Shower
  • Bath, Pajamas, Story
  • Socks, Shoes, Car

2015-08-23 18.51.51Spread The Energy – I use high chairs, assigned seating, cold drinks and air conditioning to reduce stress when we’re packed together.

  • For drives, my Sienna is set up with staggered seating so the kids can’t whack each other. Throwing things in the car is highly frowned upon!
  • As they develop, we find that different kids push our buttons. To dial down the house, I’ll take a little “disrupter” on a trip. The trips last anywhere from an an afternoon to a week. Sometimes I take more than one kid.

2015-08-21 09.53.08Do you know your parenting preference?

Mine is a shared activity with one person – I sign up for that a lot.

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It’s proven much easier to change my attitude, habits and approach than the core personality traits of my children.

Be Skillful.

Fatherhood: Giving Myself A Break

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disneyDuring the school year, my son and I have a routine. When I come back from my afternoon workout, he takes a bath while I have a shower. It’s a win-win-win as the two of us end up clean and my wife likes a fresh family.

Last week, as I was heading out the door for date night, my son asked me to help him get clean.

One of my reactions was fear.

  • Fear that if I gave into this request then I’d never get out of the house.
  • Fear that if I gave into the request then the requests would never stop.

Fortunately, I was able to pause before I acted on my fear.

While pausing, the thought arrived that I MUST break this pattern of behavior in my boy.

What pattern was that?

Loving me, or wanting to spend time with me? 😉

Pausing a little more, I thought about everyone in the situation.

  • The Sitter – being left with a dirty, unhappy four-year old
  • My Wife – sitting outside, content with her apps
  • My Boy – wanting his dad to spend time with him
  • Myself – feeling a wall rising inside me as I’m tempted to close out my son

I sent my wife a text that I’d be a bit late, enjoyed giving my son a bath and everything worked out fine.

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I share this story because it highlights a dangerous habit that is easy to create.

Closing my inner life because I’m scared of future demands.

If you look for this pattern then you will see it everywhere.

  • Gifting – refusing to help now, to avoid being asked later
  • Parents – giving into the desire to break the child now, to “help” them later

Inside me, the habit feels like a form of revenge.

I’ll turn away from you now, because that’s “easier” than having to say no later.

Looking deeply, I’m the one that is hurt by this habit (and I’m robbing myself of the feel-good benefit of being a nice guy).

Harsh people think their hardness is a long-term favor to the people in their lives. They probably learned this habit in a difficult childhood.

My heart tells me that I’ll be OK with the risks of staying open to the people in my life.

Be brave.

Pleasure, Happiness and Joy

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pancakeI came across a book that shared many stories about happiness.

One of the stories is how we fool ourselves by mistaking pleasure for happiness. An example might be…

  • 1 square of chocolate is pleasure
  • 20 squares of chocolate is a tummy ache

The slogan being… Pleasure Consumes Itself

The risk being… we become slaves to chasing pleasure.

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A story…

Our three-year old was having a tough morning and we weren’t making progress getting him ready for school.

So I picked him up, picked his socks up, picked his shoes up and picked his bag up…

…and headed out the door with the little guy in my arms.

He was screaming that he wanted to go back to the house and put all his stuff on, himself.

As that’s what I wanted him to do, originally, I agreed.

However, I said,

Sure you can go inside. First you need to calm down. We’re going to do it together. I’m going to count to three and we will take a breath after each number.

I held his hand, looked into his eyes, smiled and said…

One, big breath, hold, exhale

He was still crying but took the breath with me.

I said…

Two, big breath, hold, exhale

By this point, he cracked a smile through his tears.

Three, you did it. You’re calm. I’m so happy!

And we walked back into the house to have a “do over” on the departure.

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In reflecting on this story, I noticed that my son taught me to be happy with another person’s success, his own.

I also noticed that I would have been unable to learn without experiencing the pain of his initial meltdown.

The joy we shared was much deeper than anything offered by a piece of chocolate.

I also noticed that I can remember his success and bring myself back to that moment.

If a three-year old can transcend himself then what’s my excuse?

🙂

Parents Suffering From A Lack of Enjoyment

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dinoOver Mother’s Day weekend, I put in a 16-hour shift with my kids (6, 3 and 2).

On my big-daddy-day, the rage and anger that would well up inside me, were exhausting. Mother Nature has done a good job attuning my hearing to the whines of my preschoolers.

Why can’t they just get along?!

For the most part, I have enough skill to avoid pointing the anger at the kids, my marriage, the situation or other people. However, I will stipulate to yelling in the car around 12:45pm last Saturday.

My big-daddy-day showed me that I would certainly crack – the only question is how quickly.

It also showed that I’m doing a lot right.

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Since our first child arrived, I’ve noticed that my wife is only relaxed when we’re out of the country. I had years of similar suffering, always carrying the trauma of parenthood around with me. More on that here.

Saying that my wife’s trauma strains our marriage would not be true. We have a fantastic marriage.

However, it is difficult to watch the suffering of a person we love.

When I listen to parents, I hear their disappointment.

I wish I could enjoy my time with her.
I wish he would listen to me.
I was so angry at myself (for being angry with her).

Insight came from asking myself…

Are we supposed to enjoy things all the time?
Are kids supposed to listen all the time?
Is reasonable to expect an absence of anger in this situation?

My friend, Justin, wrote a piece about racing triathlons. He pointed out that nobody expects life to be nothing but green lights. However, novices sometimes expect everything to go their way on race day. When an inevitable setback occurs, they start a downward emotional spiral.

Perhaps you’ve noticed this pattern with your preschooler?

You can do yourself, and your community, a great service by breaking the chain of this sort of thinking.

How were the kids?
They were age-appropriate. We are very lucky to have three healthy children.

How are you doing?
I am tired but I’ll be fine tomorrow.

The lesson of my big day was how easy it would be to lose myself and fall prey to the seeds of anger, rage and resentment that live in each of us.

I took my wife out for Mother’s Day dinner and shared:

Someday the kids are going leave and we will be left alone.

Our marriage is what we want to endure.

We don’t serve the family by becoming casualties, ourselves.

Becoming Mommy

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Inbox HellWhen your inbox starts to look like this week’s picture, you might wonder if there’s a better way to serve your family.

Having made a shift away from the corporate world, I thought that I’d share what you can expect.

Manage Your Expectations – give yourself 1,000 days to get the hang of your new role. Today, my daughter calls me her Second Mommy but we didn’t always have that sort of relationship.

Don’t Expect A Thank You or a Favorable Performance Review – in the corporate world I loved tests, projects and feedback. They were objective measurements of how great I was doing. You won’t be getting any of that kind of feedback from your preschoolers. Measure success via hugs and I-love-you’s.

Learn To Support Your Spouse & Others – you’re going to need a lot of support. Get support by letting your helpers know that they are essential and appreciated.

Here are some lead ins…

  • Thank you for XXXX, you really made a difference.
  • I think you did a great job when XXXX.

If you are working parent then make a habit of using the above, frequently, with your spouse.

Schedule Your Self Care – the equivalent in the corporate world is “there’s always a good reason to skip a vacation.” If you struggled to unplug at the office then be wary of thinking that every action of your child is your domain. Schedule your self-care in your diary => I’m ruthless with sleep, exercise, date nights and alone time in silence.

Keep More Help Than You Think You Need – from six months BEFORE our first child was born, I have been pushing my spouse for additional childcare. She’s resisted me every step of the way. Even if you think you don’t need help, your spouse needs support. Childcare supports a healthy long-term marriage. This is an area where women can do a better job of supporting each other. It’s OK for a mother to ask for help with her children.

Engage Your Mind – I need to engage my intellect (in something other than preschooler conflict avoidance). My method is reading and the challenge of trying to write a world-class blog. What’s your strategy?

When I explain my life to people, they often say, “I could never do that.” Mainly because their children trigger anger and unresolved personal trauma. Own your fears and face your difficulties. Overcoming personal challenges is what creates a life with meaning.

Stick with it.

Don’t retaliate.

My Five Best Friends

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mountain_axIf you ask me what being a father is like then I might share that it is often horrible.

However, if you ask me to describe my life then I would assure you that it is wonderful.

I might follow this realization by making an attribution error of…

  1. horrible = kids
  2. wonderful = myself

I don’t think that I’m the only one making this mistake.

What’s actually happening inside my head when I’m feeling “horrible?”

Horrible doesn’t happen until I’m stretched and decide to label my fatigue.

If I am rested then parenting is fatiguing. I become tired by the effort required to improve myself.

Perhaps, I am creating habits that make the not-horrible aspects of my life wonderful?

I’m not sure, we all love a good story and I might be fooling myself.

For the last five years, I have been working on:

  • De-escalation
  • Yield Whenever Possible
  • Not-response
  • Redirection
  • Say What You Want To Have Happen

Other than the last point, parenting hasn’t come naturally to me. Taking stock, I ask myself…

  • Which emotional states did I reinforce today?
  • How do the people that are close to me make me feel?
  • Who is creating these feelings?

Lessons From My Divorce

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2015-03-31 10.04.40The speed that people bring hate to a divorcing couple is surprising. It comes quickly and unexpectedly.

Having been through a divorce, I want you to know that the hate isn’t useful.

Getting divorced sucks, for everyone.

It’s worth remembering that nobody is enjoying the process, not even your soon-to-be-ex-spouse.

Your wise friends, knowing that nobody is having fun, will help you remove hate from the situation.

They will do this by listening, without knowing the answer.

They will encourage you to settle your differences with compassion for each other, and the rest of the community.

As for the hate…

When I find myself hating, it is a sign that my own actions are inconsistent my values. Hate is a sign that I need to make a change within my own life.

As for the divorcee…

It’s going to take years for the dust to settle.

After 1,000 days or so, you’ll be able to start the process of understanding the small ways that you might have contributed just-a-little-bit to the divorce.

Once you can see an area for improvement, start there.

Gradual self-improvement will lead you to a wonderful life.