Tag Archives: behavioral psychology

Beware Of The Fun Police

Posted on by

Can you write a list of the things that make you laugh?

Since last summer, I’ve been working on three traits:

Humility – taking the appropriate space for a situation. My work with hospice challenges me to listen, to not-solve and to focus on quiet presence.

Equanimity – practicing not-reaction, not-replying and letting it roll. First in my actions, then in my words and eventually, I hope, in my thoughts. To challenge myself in this department I’ve opened up my social networks a bit. I’m doing well with not replying in writing – less so with not replying in my head!

Enthusiasm – I’ve noticed that the best parents and teachers have managed to hold onto their childish enthusiasm. Discipline, divorce, insolvency, fraud and positive feedback from being serious… have driven away most of my boyish enthusiasm. It takes a lot of exercise, or alcohol, to get me to let loose.

Why is fun important?

I’m awful at predicting what will make me happy. My default response to stress – sleep more, drink more, do less, eat more and take it easy – is a personal disaster for me.

It’s been this way for a very long time and I have learned to cope via two main strategies:

The Big Hairy Goal – via external validation – I wrap my identity around achievement of something most people find too difficult. The “can’t” of others becomes my reason to live.

Habit – flowing from the BHG, I create a plan that requires me to get out of bed and do work.

I’m not convinced that my method works for serving my wife, kids and family.

So I’ve been paying attention to what makes me laugh.

Laughing happens at times, that are very different to what I believe will make me happy.

  • Adversity – especially extreme weather adversity
  • Riding uphill at altitude
  • Jogging in a forest – trees (and oceans) make a difference to every experience
  • High quality coffee – strong – as in, coffee you feel
  • You Tube – the Fun Police would look down on the stuff that makes me laugh
  • The Onion – my #1 news source
  • Memories of Molina, my buddy KP and Penfold – I’m grateful that my mind skews my experience
  • Being with my wife
  • Aussies – the more abrasive the better
  • Chris Rock – this one makes sense
  • My son, Axel – laughing with a two-year old? I thought “less toddlers” was the answer
  • Sunrises – isn’t getting up early supposed to be a hassle?

Combos are even more effective – riding uphill, after strong coffee, in the snow, thinking of Molina… that’s a powerful laughter inducer.

The most dangerous fun police are the ones living in my head.

The Cool Kids

Posted on by

Every so often I find myself captivated by someone that entertains me by being a complete dick to strangers.

Careers and fame are built around this quirk in human psychology.

Look to the opposite side of a polarizing issue and you’ll find yourself attracted to someone that uses “justified hate” to bring down one of your opponents.

I might even find myself wanting to appeal to the bullies for approval – to fulfill my own need for acceptance.

Bullies love to build teams around themselves – you don’t want yourself, or your kids, on those teams.

I’m grateful that I can see it…

…and not act on it.

+++

Protect yourself, and your kids, from people that don’t like themselves enough to be kind to strangers.

Be particularly wary of bullies in positions of power – when I think about the most dangerous priests, teachers and coaches that I’ve known – the bullying was a red flag visible to all.

The secret lives behind the self-loathing, reflected in wanting to bring down strangers, were tougher to see.

We have a choice with who we follow, what we read and what we share.

 

Thinking About Real Estate

Posted on by
  • The chatter about real estate deals has started again
  • My estate agent friends are slow to reply when I send them deal outlines
  • Mortgage rates remain at historically low levels
  • Inventories are down

…so you might be thinking about buying real estate.

It is worth thinking about “why”.

Beware if you are motivated by a fear of missing out. That’s a boom mentality and we’re all susceptible to herd thinking.

Beware if your local market has swung so that the cost of ownership is more than the cost to rent. You are likely being tempted to speculate, rather than invest.

When I’m ruled by my head, rather than my heart, I am able to remember what follows. I’m writing them out to remind myself to be smart!

Other People’s Money – when interest rates were under 4%, it was a “no brainer” to borrow 30-years fixed to buy a house in a great school district that was less than my cost to rent.

What swung the deal for me was access to the mortgage, which made the long-term cost to own significantly less than the cost to rent. My cost to own is 75% of my cost to rent locally. My cost to own is 30% of my cost to rent in the San Francisco Bay Area (an alternative location I consider frequently).

While interest rates have risen, they remain low by historical standards. I’m in the process of borrowing some more money to take advantage of the inflation insurance offered by long-term, fixed rate lending.

While private equity firms, hedge funds and investment bankers get to use other people’s money, we don’t.

If you are using your own money it pays to remember the next two tips.

Real Economic Growth drives wealth creation and liquidity drives pricing.

Put simply, if you are thinking about buying real estate then what’s likely to happen to the local economy over the next 25 years.

Can’t hold for 25 years? Don’t buy.

Why? Because you lose the option to move quickly and easily. Your mobility is a highly valuable asset. Don’t give it up easily.

As you age, and if you choose to have kids, the value of your “move option” will decrease. At 45, with three kids and a low cost base, it would be expensive for me to move.

That’s OK – my cost of living is so low compared to my Tech/Finance peers (HK, London, SF Bay Area, New York) that I suspect many of them will move to me instead (and support our local property market).

+++

Understanding Crowd Psychology

While I’m sure YOUR memory is excellent. How long is the memory of our fellow citizens?

Institutional memory is about three years long – the clean out of 2008-2010 is fading from our collective consciousness. How bad was it? It was awful but we’re unable to remember. I spent this weekend reviewing papers from 2006-2008 and was amazed at what I’d forgotten.

Always remember that our mood is skewed by the recent past. 2013 was a very positive year compared to the five years that preceded it.

Let’s recap… if you…

  • can hold long term
  • have the funds available to buy
  • like the long-term growth prospects of your location

…then my advice is to sit and wait for a crisis.

How often do we get a solid crisis opportunity? It’s more often than you think. Key ones that I’ve lived through…

  • Stock Market Crash of 1987
  • High UK interest rates, and tanking property values, 1990/1991
  • Mid-90s Asian Crisis
  • Tech Bust of 2000/2001
  • Great Recession of 2008/2009

Five great buying opportunities and that only includes one’s that I lived through.

Because it takes three years to forget the boom that preceded the bust… you need to allow 2-3 years to move into your position. You’ll see this pattern repeated over-and-over in real estate.

Be patient, balance your holdings and wait for the next crisis.

Values Game

Posted on by

I came across a free eBook from Tony Robbins. In the book, Tony asks the reader to rank pleasure values. His suggested list: love, success, freedom, intimacy, security, adventure, power, passion, comfort, health.

I took the bait and ranked things:

  • Freedom
  • Success
  • Adventure
  • Health
  • Love
  • Power
  • Passion
  • Security
  • Intimacy
  • Comfort

Tony then shared that we will do a lot more to avoid pain than to attract pleasure. So he asked the reader to rank aversions to: rejection, anger, frustration, loneliness, depression, failure, humiliation, and guilt.

Once again I mapped it out:

  • Failure
  • Anger
  • Frustration
  • Depression
  • Rejection
  • Humiliation
  • Guilt
  • Loneliness

In the book, he gave examples on how values conflicts can set up misery. For example, do we know our spouse’s rankings? Do our (more powerful) aversions operate to sabotage our desires. For example, see Success vs Failure in my lists.

Having done the work to rank my pleasure/pain values, Tony recommended writing down the rules associated with our top drivers. I didn’t think too hard and wrote quickly…

  • Freedom – when I control my day and have space in my schedule
  • Success – I am already successful
  • Adventure – when I have new experiences
  • Health – vanity, use my body for adventure
  • Failure – when my kids don’t behave or yell at me
  • Anger – when my kids don’t behave or yell at me
  • Frustration – when my kids don’t behave or yell at me
  • Depression – when my kids don’t behave or yell at me

Pretty clear how my rules are creating periods of parental misery! As well, my rules are completely impractical for living with young kids.

When my oldest was young, she could quickly bring me to tears by crying. I got past that pain by borrowing my mother-in-law’s rule that “babies need to cry.”

I also created my own rule, “when they’re crying, they are alive.” My rule addressing my fear that my kids might die (!) if I didn’t cater to their every whim.

Some mantras:

  • I am free when I breathe through the energy of strong emotions
  • I am successful when I let my actions be the lesson
  • The randomness of life is an adventure in itself
  • Let go of outcome, be the brand

All of the above are lessons that I taught myself in athletics and need to relearn inside my house!

I had a wry smile when I realized that I was closed to Tony’s teaching because of his happiness!

What I Learned This Year

Posted on by

My daughter and I have been dancing together all year. It seems we are on a six-week cycle that ranges from love to despair and back to love. During a week where I was heavy with anger and misery, I reached out to friends. Their best advice:

  • Love your children for who they are.
  • More than being right, or justified, remember that you must preserve the relationship.

Remember that you just might want your (adult) children to repay your kindness down the road. With three kids, I figure one will come through for us. I have a lot of advantages to help make that happen.

With that in mind… Being a great student, a successful investor, an elite athlete… all of these have NOTHING to do with being an effective parent. To live happily alongside young children requires new skills and different approaches.

What’s my source of education and new ideas? My best advice for you is to read – The Happiest Toddler on the Block by Karp. The book took me 90 minutes to read and removed half the meltdowns in my life. My son (2.5 years) and I have a fantastic relationship due to the application of Dr. Karp’s advice.

++

There is no denying the segments of deep misery that I have experienced this year. However, when I step outside my life, I can see how easy I have it. However, it’s near impossible to “will” a change in attitude. To change, most people need a crisis.

To help myself shift my attitude I’ve taken the lead with emotionally difficult situations. To date, I’ve had more success outside my house. However, I’m going to stick with my efforts through 2014. My misery could be a catalyst to let go of my desire to force change on my kids. It all comes back to being happy with the way things are (and if I can’t be happy then at least accept it).

++

A wealthy friend of mine has to deal with a lot of people that have massive egos. Some of these folks are extremely difficult to handle. I asked him for advice on dealing with fraud. His secret is to be grateful that he doesn’t have to be like others. By acknowledging his freedom to choose, he decides to be a good guy (and that makes him grateful). So I’m working on a good-guy at-home sabbatical for 2014.

On the gratitude side, working with the dying is effective. Some of the folks I work with would love the opportunity to swap into my “problems.”

++

Be a hero rather than a bystander. Remember that being part of the solution doesn’t require owning, or solving, the problem. In serious situations, it takes surprisingly little to make a difference.

++

Resist the urge to judge other people’s involvement with their families. There is an air of superiority between parents that spend a lot of time with their kids. We wear our involvement like a hair shirt. I need to remember that, often, less involvement is better for everyone. When I over-do-it (even by a couple hours per week), I set the kids off and make everyone miserable.

Too much parenting and I become the problem, rather than part of the solution.

++

I have a negative pattern of responding to noise with anger. Now that I can see it – I can work to respond to noise with calmness.

I will share a tactic…

In each of our lives we have moments where we transcend ourselves. For me, it might be the feeling of my son resting his head against me and giggling. A feeling of peaceful openness where the two of us are relaxed and together. If I am aware then these moments are easy to remember. I breathe into those moments and save them for later. When I feel the seed of anger, say tightness, I use the same breath-feeling to open the resistance that creates my anger. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Any reduction in suffering is a win.

By the way, the above is a technique that I used a lot in endurance training. I would breathe into my training “highs”, attach a word to the feeling, and save for later. I’d use my power words when racing became difficult.

++

I will be 45 at the end of the year. A lesson that stands out with achievement and success…

The years where I focused on self-improvement, and made progress, resonate more strongly than the years where I focused on beating others.

Excellence defined relative to peers brings resentment, especially when value systems aren’t shared.

In all areas, let go of the constant desire to be right.

Insight Through Action

Posted on by

Sometimes after school, my wife hangs out on the playground with the other parents and kids. A few weeks back, one of the young boys (4 yrs old), picked up a handful of stones and threw them at his mother.

Watching from a distance, Monica had two thoughts. At least our kids aren’t throwing rocks at us (so far) and “this is going to be interesting.”

The boy’s mom walked up to the little guy, took his hand and kissed it. Completely defusing the situation and getting the kid to settle down.

What is the hardest thing in the world?

Not reflecting my daughter’s energy (right back at her) when she rages at me.

I have a slogan to help me overcome myself… it is ALWAYS ok to comfort my children.

+++

Constructing Reality

I drop the kids off at school.

I always drop my son off first because he’s easy.

The other morning his teacher comments that it’s so nice to have him in the class because he rolls with everything.

My reply, “you need to be easy, if you have a high-energy older sister.”

Her reply, “actually, it’s nice, just-for-him.”

BOOM – it hit me.

I’ve constructed a reality that views everything through the prism of being the parent of a “difficult child”.

My daughter’s principle “difficulties” being the way she mirrors my inner dialogue!

I have been letting a single relationship color every aspect of my day.

It’s exhausting!

I need to practice letting go. Here’s a great poem about what’s required – it was given to me during hospice training and is exactly what I need for parenting.

Since my daughter was born, we have been on a mission to track every pee, poop, meal and nap. Knowing this data was essential to prove we care!

I’ve come to realize that letting go is required for my personal sanity.

  • Say “yes” as much as possible
  • As little involvement as possible
  • Don’t leave my mind with my kids when I drop them off

+++

Changing My Attitude

Finally, I don’t want to change my situation, and become a part-time Dad, so I’m going to need to change my attitude.

I have a hunch that my hospice volunteering (13 hours so far) will prove transformative. My practice involves:

  • Breathing through intensity
  • Serving without any ability for reciprocity
  • Being the most junior teammember
  • Walking out the door at the end of the shift

It’s such a contrast to being in a role of complete authority with my kids.

My daughter’s school teaches that it is important to pause and remember our basic goodness. That lesson hasn’t proven effective when I’m under pressure and running on automatic.

What’s been easier is to focus on being a “good guy” through action taken when I’m not under pressure — volunteering, driving around town, dealing with strangers.

There are plenty of opportunities to create a habit of goodness.

 

Overcoming Difficulties

Posted on by

Earlier this summer, we were having a lot of discomfort with our oldest. Things built up to where she’d start most days by raging at us.

One morning, after a particularly venomous outburst, my wife banned electronics for the day. Escalating, I extended the ban for a month.

Not wanting to backdown, I was stuck with having to come up with something to replace all the iPad time we had built into her day. As well, I had to acknowledge my personal laziness with using electronics to replace engagement. Time Magazine calls us hypocrites but the reality, in my life, is laziness.

With increased 1-on-1 engagement, improvement came quickly and the level of rage dropped within ten days.  Difficulties pop up, but they are age appropriate and mostly diffused with a hug and time spent together. I’m grateful to have the time to spend with the kids.

Some additional tactics that have worked:

  • With three kids, it important to remember that the oldest remains a kid (she’s 4.75).
  • Offer a change of activity before removing from the situation
  • Give more of my time to get better behavior. The fundamental conflict is over time and attention.
  • Let them know when it is their time. Take pictures of it. Post pictures where everyone can see as well as beside their beds.

Become aware of my desires for revenge – break the cycle of revenge by training myself to avoid all forms:

  • Not to pass along gossip
  • Not to correct
  • To agree as much as possible

The above are simple, yet surprisingly difficult to execute. They are near impossible on the Internet and ignored by the media. Would anyone even watch a show that was void of gossip, conflict or correction?

Because it is difficult to see my role in creating my life, I pay attention to how my peers talk about others.

Do you aspire to revenge via negative humor at the expense of others?

Two Luxury Vacations

Posted on by

In each of April and May, my wife and I left the US (and our three kids) for about a week.

While it is cheaper to leave the kids at home, our childcare bill for a week away is massive – roughly equal to what we spend on all other aspects of the trip, combined.

A friend jokes that spending money to strengthen your marriage is cheaper than a divorce but it’s still a heck of a lot of cash to have flow out the door.

Given my primal, subconscious, and frequent urge to flee, I know that I’m likely to keep fooling myself about the need to “get away.” 20 hours of planes, trains and automobiles on the return leg from Italy gave me a chance to take some notes.

What Is A Luxury Experience?

Early in the vacation, I was trying to put my finger on what made the hotel feel luxurious. I came up with:

Ease of exercise (swim, bike, run) – the hotel where we stayed had multiple scheduled rides each day, all seeded by ability, all guided.

Ease of laundry – the hotel offered overnight laundry service (included in room rate) for all our training gear.

Ease of eating – the hotel catered three meals per day with a wide selection of healthy foods, and a ton of veggies.

Coffee – high quality Italian coffee for breakfast and one (or more!) cappuccino stops on every single ride!

People – Marina and her staff are extremely friendly and enjoy helping guests have a good time. They care about the little things and are genuinely happy to see the guests.

Friends – I had a chance to spend time with existing, and new, pals who enjoy living the same way as me. This was the #1 lesson for me – it is worth making an effort to meet new people and spend time with successful leaders. This is the one aspect that is tough to re-create at home, multiple days of having fun with friends.

Bedtimes – I was relieved not to have to put my kids to sleep for a week. We are going to rejig our bedtime duties so we rotate our exposure to the kids – might prove better for everyone.

Unscheduled afternoons with my wife – Monica and I rarely spend an unscheduled afternoon with each other. We should. This time together was the best part of the vacation.

When I wrote the list down, I realized that I could re-create all of the above (minus Marina and her team) at home. I simply have to get organized. Further, the money that I spent in 8 days would buy 50 similar days at home. Somehow a luxury vacation “feels” better but a ratio of 50:8 shows how I fool myself.

Until the flight back from Italy, I had been thinking that it would be nice to get away quarterly and focusing on reducing the cost of our childcare when we travel.

Much smarter to apply the lessons every-single-week at home.

Living at home makes it much more likely that I’ll maintain what’s good with my life. Being ruthlessly honest I noticed the following about my week away:

  • I drank a month’s worth of booze
  • I consumed ten weeks (!) worth of sugar, and had the headaches to prove it
  • My kids start to suffer when both of us are away for more than five days
  • Training fatigue triggers feelings of entitlement for: anger, stress, gluttony and excess

Naturally, all of the negative implications were easier to see in others than myself… another example of fooling myself.

The key lessons:

  • Make time, to spend unstructured time, as a couple
  • Consider what you really enjoy about being on vacation
  • Build “luxury” into your daily living
  • The toughest part of improving my life is creating the space for change
  • Once a week, free yourself from the self-imposed tyranny of scheduling

Upon getting home, my first restructuring act was to collapse three working trips into a single visit where everyone came to Boulder.

Let’s see if we can build these lessons into our family plans for the next 18 months.

A Death in the Family

Posted on by

I spend my working life with high achievers that are used to being in control. These individuals are used to getting stuff done and sorting things out. They are the doers of our society.

Because death can appear to lack a solution, it is a challenge to a high achiever’s identity. Overlay the reality, that our own time is coming, and it’s not surprising that we feel overwhelmed.

Interestingly, there’s no quicker way to pull the energy out of a room, or conversation, than talking about my experiences with death. It’s one of the strongest, deepest emotional triggers (for avoidance) that we have. Even my pals that are doctors and chaplains, become visibly uncomfortable with these topics – the well-adjusted have subtle tells, but they remain. We share a deep avoidance of the topic of death.

Here’s what I learned over the last few months of watching a family cope with the death of a parent.

Death strips our filters away – the dying person as well as their closest family. This can be terrifying to consider, the world seeing our minds laid bare. We have nothing to fear because our fears are universal.

I found it inspirational – because what lay beneath all the filters was a very accepting person. A life, well lived, brings a sense of peace at the end.

Next I was grateful, because I have the time to continue to sort myself out. I can offer my children a powerful gift by demonstrating how to cope when it’s their turn.

With the curtains pulled back, and facing an ultimate source of power, everyone trended towards their automatic, and deepest, programming.

Death, and dying, are powerful – they aren’t good, bad, angry, scared, fearful, or anything else – the emotional interpretation of their power comes from within us. If we can pause, even briefly, to consider what/how we are feeling, there is a tremendous opportunity for learning.

For example, I learned that my deepest emotional response is “flight.” Faced with the power of dying, pressure would build inside my body and I’d have an overwhelming urge to ride my bike uphill to release that energy.

By the way, I followed my urge to ride over the last two weeks and it was deeply therapeutic. I gave a spontaneous solo eulogy to myself every ride for week.

In my emotional life, breakdown, sadness, fear and anger are signs of resistance, an internal blockage that needs to be opened. Exercise provides me with a physical mantra to open myself and release energy before it solidifies into emotions.

Another member of my family lives cerebrally. She found that pressure would build in her head. To process, and release, her energy – she engaged her mind on a family-related history project.

Every member of the immediate family found their capacity to think, and remember, was impaired. For some this lasted for weeks, others for days. Don’t expect to get anything achieved when you’re grieving. Ask for help.

To become an outstanding athlete, I needed to process my emotional history. Or perhaps it was processing my emotional history that’s enabled me to deepen my capacity for success. I’ll never know for sure, but I’m grateful for the lessons of sport.

Many high achievers use performance to mask, rather than cope with, their emotional histories. If that’s the case then you’ll find a unique opportunity for growth as you move through the process of grieving.

+++

Recommended reading: http://www.trucare.org/education/recommended-reading

When You’ve Made Your Money

Posted on by

By the time I was 32 years old, I had created a life where I had the option of working parttime. For the most part, I got that opportunity “right” and enjoyed my freedom.

My errors came from from the thought (perhaps the lie) that spending yields happiness. That belief, shared by most my peers, pulled me back into fulltime employment twice over the last decade.

The first time I was pulled back, it was to help a friend start a business. There was huge equity upside and I loved the work. It was a good decision but I ended up over-extended financially. Thankfully, I started selling down in 2005 and, in the Great Recession of 2008, “only” lost 2/3rds of my net worth.

The scale of the losses was equal to what wiped out my grandfather’s generation. In the four generations of my family tree (that end with me), we’ve lost enough money for the entire family to never have to work a day in their lives. The bulk of my current job description (father, teacher, administrator, spouse, brother, uncle, trustee) is trying to reduce the frequency, and consequences, of these bad decisions.

When I took my big financial hit, my cost of living (2008) was 5x higher than what I spent in my first year of “freedom” post-college (2001).

Due to the bankruptcy of the business I’d been advising, I was under a tremendous amount of stress. Reflexively, I chose to cut expenses and replace income. My family’s 2009 expenditure was half of 2008, but remained 2.5x higher than what I spent in 2001. I focused on my back-up career of coaching (always have Plan B!) and managed to cover 50% of what I was spending.

At that point, 2010, I didn’t know what to do. Inside my personal business plan, I have a heuristic “if in doubt then wait.” So I repeated the year, with a couple exceptions, Axel (2011) and Bella (2012).

Gradually, across 2011 and 2012, I realized that preserving the status quo (large house, dad working to pay bills that don’t make him happy) was insane. Despite being complete insanity, I was following a path that had universal support in my peer group. As my kids popped up, I noticed that I was getting less and less fun to be around AND I was actively working to create a life outside my house.

The family readings that I shared, and my family history, show that it’s almost certain that we will wipe ourselves out (perhaps more than once) in the next seventy-five years.

What should you know about your money?

  • Most of any financial legacy will be gone a couple decades after my death, or spent by people I never knew
  • The greatest pressure I experience is preserving wealth that I’m unlikely to spend
  • I know I can live in peace on a fraction of my current spending

What do I truly need? Easy to answer day-to-day: exercise, love, service and health.

For the long-term, I like to have a mission. Why not make the people I live with part of my mission? Then I’m surrounded by meaning, and success. If that’s the case then what does my family truly need?

Empathy – it’s easy to find people to do stuff. It’s a lot tougher to find people to listen and care.

Learn To Teach Ourselves – my writing is about sharing how I teach myself. Tools that I want to pass to my kids: write down insights and blindspots, make errors visible, replace habits that hold us back and share stories of what you’d like to become.

Cope With Loss – More by accident than design, I’ve been on a self-guided education of the major faith traditions, neuroscience and behavioral psychology. This has led me to believe that loss is an opportunity to learn by experience. Until life deals us a major setback, we will not understand impermanence and the nature of existence. Create a daily practice that let lets you process, release and recharge from the challenges we all face. Deal with loss by continuing the good that you’ve learned.

My kids weren’t around for for the first 40 years of my life. Common sense means I won’t be here for the last 40 years of their lives.

What’s your legacy?

Good memories and a skill set that let’s the student surpass the teacher.