Tag Archives: family

Families in Divorce

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A friend asked for advice about his parents getting divorced.

Remember that extremely tough situations can lead to good outcomes. The darkest periods in my life have been part of my path to a great life.

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The couple:

a – don’t focus on right/wrong – focus on desired outcome and not adding to the pain of the situation

b – if there isn’t abuse/addiction in the relationship then work to save it – the NY Times has a great series about baby-boomers getting divorced that says it better than me. The series is called Unhitched: http://www.nytimes.com/2013/08/11/booming/lessons-learned-when-its-all-over.html

c – if things are truly over then don’t fight – you never get the time and emotional pain back.

d – people waste tremendous energy worrying about money – if you fight then large sums of money will evaporate. Be willing to settle to avoid pain and suffering.

e – never ever give bad news in writing

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Friends and Family – your #1 role is to listen, not to fix.

Help the couple focus on what matters: (a) not fight; (b) end the cycle of pain; and (c) achieve a mutually desired outcome.

Families waste huge amounts of energy seeking to fix other people’s marriages. It’s not your problem to fix. The family’s role is listening and emotional support.

Specifically as a child, or younger sibling:

a – it is embarrassing to fail in front of our ‘youngers’ – can change a family dynamic. Youngers should be very sensitive to the embarrassment the elders are likely feeling.

b – parents often want approval as much as kids do – many adult children aren’t aware of this need for approval. That’s too bad as it can be a rich source of self-knowledge.

c – it’s better to use outside sources (counsellors, books) to influence change – many elders are closed to direct advice from youngers. If you get hostility then you may have triggered pain in the elders arising from 1 and 2.

d – if you can’t help yourself from giving advice then chose your best stuff (not more than three points) and say as little as possible. Better yet, you could say something like… “hey, I see my role is to listen and support your decisions. However, if you ever want a couple ideas then let me know.”

e – people in highly stressful situations often show cognitive impairment – lapses in memory and reduced ability to reason. Your elders might be stressed, rather than senile.

Everyone will be tempted to take sides – remember that (absent abuse/addiction) there’s rarely a clear right/wrong. A smart person can always make it seem like it’s the other person’s fault. Emotional truth is relative.

Focus on outcome, break the chain of pain and listen.

To be a partner in a successful relationship (after my divorce), I needed many years to improve myself. I was also comfortable with being alone. In other words, I was able to improve myself to the point where I didn’t expect another person to complete (or serve) me.

The person that seeks to fix everything can become a focal point for blame. Personally, I’m ok with that as a leader’s role is to take the blame but I need to remember my goal/role in relationships is not to fix anything.

People thank us for love, listening and being there. Years after my divorce, I remember who was there for me – I don’t remember specifics and the searing pain is completely gone.

Faced with a lack of trust, my decision was to end the marriage. I have good friends that decided otherwise and have enviable marriages, that continue today.

Why is that?

If my marriage works for me and my spouse then that’s enough. We don’t need to justify our love to other people. This keeps us focused on what we control – our actions towards each other.

Values Game

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I came across a free eBook from Tony Robbins. In the book, Tony asks the reader to rank pleasure values. His suggested list: love, success, freedom, intimacy, security, adventure, power, passion, comfort, health.

I took the bait and ranked things:

  • Freedom
  • Success
  • Adventure
  • Health
  • Love
  • Power
  • Passion
  • Security
  • Intimacy
  • Comfort

Tony then shared that we will do a lot more to avoid pain than to attract pleasure. So he asked the reader to rank aversions to: rejection, anger, frustration, loneliness, depression, failure, humiliation, and guilt.

Once again I mapped it out:

  • Failure
  • Anger
  • Frustration
  • Depression
  • Rejection
  • Humiliation
  • Guilt
  • Loneliness

In the book, he gave examples on how values conflicts can set up misery. For example, do we know our spouse’s rankings? Do our (more powerful) aversions operate to sabotage our desires. For example, see Success vs Failure in my lists.

Having done the work to rank my pleasure/pain values, Tony recommended writing down the rules associated with our top drivers. I didn’t think too hard and wrote quickly…

  • Freedom – when I control my day and have space in my schedule
  • Success – I am already successful
  • Adventure – when I have new experiences
  • Health – vanity, use my body for adventure
  • Failure – when my kids don’t behave or yell at me
  • Anger – when my kids don’t behave or yell at me
  • Frustration – when my kids don’t behave or yell at me
  • Depression – when my kids don’t behave or yell at me

Pretty clear how my rules are creating periods of parental misery! As well, my rules are completely impractical for living with young kids.

When my oldest was young, she could quickly bring me to tears by crying. I got past that pain by borrowing my mother-in-law’s rule that “babies need to cry.”

I also created my own rule, “when they’re crying, they are alive.” My rule addressing my fear that my kids might die (!) if I didn’t cater to their every whim.

Some mantras:

  • I am free when I breathe through the energy of strong emotions
  • I am successful when I let my actions be the lesson
  • The randomness of life is an adventure in itself
  • Let go of outcome, be the brand

All of the above are lessons that I taught myself in athletics and need to relearn inside my house!

I had a wry smile when I realized that I was closed to Tony’s teaching because of his happiness!

What I Learned This Year

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My daughter and I have been dancing together all year. It seems we are on a six-week cycle that ranges from love to despair and back to love. During a week where I was heavy with anger and misery, I reached out to friends. Their best advice:

  • Love your children for who they are.
  • More than being right, or justified, remember that you must preserve the relationship.

Remember that you just might want your (adult) children to repay your kindness down the road. With three kids, I figure one will come through for us. I have a lot of advantages to help make that happen.

With that in mind… Being a great student, a successful investor, an elite athlete… all of these have NOTHING to do with being an effective parent. To live happily alongside young children requires new skills and different approaches.

What’s my source of education and new ideas? My best advice for you is to read – The Happiest Toddler on the Block by Karp. The book took me 90 minutes to read and removed half the meltdowns in my life. My son (2.5 years) and I have a fantastic relationship due to the application of Dr. Karp’s advice.

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There is no denying the segments of deep misery that I have experienced this year. However, when I step outside my life, I can see how easy I have it. However, it’s near impossible to “will” a change in attitude. To change, most people need a crisis.

To help myself shift my attitude I’ve taken the lead with emotionally difficult situations. To date, I’ve had more success outside my house. However, I’m going to stick with my efforts through 2014. My misery could be a catalyst to let go of my desire to force change on my kids. It all comes back to being happy with the way things are (and if I can’t be happy then at least accept it).

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A wealthy friend of mine has to deal with a lot of people that have massive egos. Some of these folks are extremely difficult to handle. I asked him for advice on dealing with fraud. His secret is to be grateful that he doesn’t have to be like others. By acknowledging his freedom to choose, he decides to be a good guy (and that makes him grateful). So I’m working on a good-guy at-home sabbatical for 2014.

On the gratitude side, working with the dying is effective. Some of the folks I work with would love the opportunity to swap into my “problems.”

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Be a hero rather than a bystander. Remember that being part of the solution doesn’t require owning, or solving, the problem. In serious situations, it takes surprisingly little to make a difference.

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Resist the urge to judge other people’s involvement with their families. There is an air of superiority between parents that spend a lot of time with their kids. We wear our involvement like a hair shirt. I need to remember that, often, less involvement is better for everyone. When I over-do-it (even by a couple hours per week), I set the kids off and make everyone miserable.

Too much parenting and I become the problem, rather than part of the solution.

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I have a negative pattern of responding to noise with anger. Now that I can see it – I can work to respond to noise with calmness.

I will share a tactic…

In each of our lives we have moments where we transcend ourselves. For me, it might be the feeling of my son resting his head against me and giggling. A feeling of peaceful openness where the two of us are relaxed and together. If I am aware then these moments are easy to remember. I breathe into those moments and save them for later. When I feel the seed of anger, say tightness, I use the same breath-feeling to open the resistance that creates my anger. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. Any reduction in suffering is a win.

By the way, the above is a technique that I used a lot in endurance training. I would breathe into my training “highs”, attach a word to the feeling, and save for later. I’d use my power words when racing became difficult.

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I will be 45 at the end of the year. A lesson that stands out with achievement and success…

The years where I focused on self-improvement, and made progress, resonate more strongly than the years where I focused on beating others.

Excellence defined relative to peers brings resentment, especially when value systems aren’t shared.

In all areas, let go of the constant desire to be right.

Insight Through Action

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Sometimes after school, my wife hangs out on the playground with the other parents and kids. A few weeks back, one of the young boys (4 yrs old), picked up a handful of stones and threw them at his mother.

Watching from a distance, Monica had two thoughts. At least our kids aren’t throwing rocks at us (so far) and “this is going to be interesting.”

The boy’s mom walked up to the little guy, took his hand and kissed it. Completely defusing the situation and getting the kid to settle down.

What is the hardest thing in the world?

Not reflecting my daughter’s energy (right back at her) when she rages at me.

I have a slogan to help me overcome myself… it is ALWAYS ok to comfort my children.

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Constructing Reality

I drop the kids off at school.

I always drop my son off first because he’s easy.

The other morning his teacher comments that it’s so nice to have him in the class because he rolls with everything.

My reply, “you need to be easy, if you have a high-energy older sister.”

Her reply, “actually, it’s nice, just-for-him.”

BOOM – it hit me.

I’ve constructed a reality that views everything through the prism of being the parent of a “difficult child”.

My daughter’s principle “difficulties” being the way she mirrors my inner dialogue!

I have been letting a single relationship color every aspect of my day.

It’s exhausting!

I need to practice letting go. Here’s a great poem about what’s required – it was given to me during hospice training and is exactly what I need for parenting.

Since my daughter was born, we have been on a mission to track every pee, poop, meal and nap. Knowing this data was essential to prove we care!

I’ve come to realize that letting go is required for my personal sanity.

  • Say “yes” as much as possible
  • As little involvement as possible
  • Don’t leave my mind with my kids when I drop them off

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Changing My Attitude

Finally, I don’t want to change my situation, and become a part-time Dad, so I’m going to need to change my attitude.

I have a hunch that my hospice volunteering (13 hours so far) will prove transformative. My practice involves:

  • Breathing through intensity
  • Serving without any ability for reciprocity
  • Being the most junior teammember
  • Walking out the door at the end of the shift

It’s such a contrast to being in a role of complete authority with my kids.

My daughter’s school teaches that it is important to pause and remember our basic goodness. That lesson hasn’t proven effective when I’m under pressure and running on automatic.

What’s been easier is to focus on being a “good guy” through action taken when I’m not under pressure — volunteering, driving around town, dealing with strangers.

There are plenty of opportunities to create a habit of goodness.

 

Touching Fear

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The first time I heard about touching fear was from Mark Allen, six-time Ironman World Champion. Mark talked about overcoming his fear of the wind, the heat and his competition. It was powerful and inspirational stuff. Years later, I was fortunate to spend time with Mark and learn more about the man.

Scott Molina once observed, “What if you do everything right and it’s not enough?”

I know that pain well – it lives on in me, and might be why doping gets me so wound up. Perhaps, that’s the price one pays for not living with regret.

We rarely share our deepest fears. The only way I can see my own is to pay attention to my triggers of irrationality. I defuse the triggers by publishing. Another method is via forgiveness. The path of forgiveness is a difficult one – there are times when I struggle to console my children (for what they’ve done to me in the past).

What our deepest fear?
The fear of being found out.

What if they really knew me?
We might realize the similarities of our inner lives.

I’ve been asking friends and family about triggers that have made them fly off the handle. Tell me about the last time you really lost it…

Athletes get excited about nutrition, training protocols, drafting and doping. Citizens might get excited about religion, politics, gun control, abortion and taxation.

I react to these topics but they are surface triggers. Want to see me deeply irrational, you need to reach deeper, past the filters I’ve carefully built.

  • Disapproval of a child
  • Disapproval of a parent
  • Loss of control over a child
  • Loss of dignity
  • Death
  • Financial loss
  • Criminal sanctions
  • Being alone
  • Infectious diseases

Hands down, the worst form of loss I can conceive is the death of my son. Strangely, that fear triggers love. I’m so grateful that the little guy is here, even as I’m aware that someday his perfection will change and he’ll be just like the rest of us. I share my love for him so I remember how sweet he was as a youngster.

Another fear is that I might fail my daughter. She fatigues me so completely that I get to the point where I (almost) don’t care. I’ve been reducing all forms of stress to give myself more energy to parent.

When I hear people talk about my kids, my efforts are working. When I ask myself about being a parent, I feel like I’m failing my kids. The difference is I hear my inner dialogue, and it isn’t pretty.

A friend in a similar position advised me to “live the life that I want for my kids.” There are weeks where that implies seeing a lot less of my kids.

I haven’t figured out the balance but I know that sharing my fears reduces their hold on me.

Five Questions from Hospice Training

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As part of my hospice training, we were asked to consider five questions. Considering the questions made me realize that I had done a lot of death awareness work while managing the end of my grandmother’s life.

The hospice training was rich in observations. Two that stuck with me:

  • In response to “when are you going to get over it?” I’m still in pain because my loved one is still dead.
  • We never know the first day of the last year of our life.

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The questions…

What will cause my death and why will this be true?

An interesting one for me – my physical self will die from heart failure, my mental self may die from Alzheimer’s/Progressive Dementia and my spiritual self will live on through my wife, children and writing.

I’m not sure of my cause of death, simply looking at my family tree and guessing.

In terms of life after death, it seems obvious that I’ll continue via every interaction I’ve ever had as well as my writing.

While I can’t touch them, my dead friends and family continue to influence and live inside me. It will always be that way.

Who will be impacted by my death?

I suspect that the longer I live, the greater my circle. However, there is a paradox in that sudden (and unexpected) death can have great impact. I continue to think about my good friend, Stu McGavin.

My friends and family will be impacted – I seek to make their grieving more bearable by letting them know that, notwithstanding how I die, I had a fantastic life.

What do you want your funeral, or memorial, to be like?

I wrote a previous article – invite my friends and family to a memorial service that is set up as a memorial weekend, rather than a funeral. Focus on helping the living process my death and create a schedule of support to my spouse and kids (for two years after my death).

Use the opportunity of my memorial weekend to plan ongoing grieving support for the living.

Start a letter to say goodbye to one of the special people in your life.

Monsy,

I love you very much, thank you for your love and sorry I was grumpy at times, you were perfect for me.

To honor the memory of our love, take one aspect of our relationship… teach it, live it and pass it on.

What is the most important thing for me to do or complete before I die?

Ideally, live long enough to have a positive impact on my kids in a manner that they will remember into adulthood.

If that’s not going to be possible then I’ve left enough writing to point them in the right direction.

Above all else, be kind.

Coping With Anger

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A recent conversation about parenting:

Husband: I’m not used to being filled with hate and anger

Wife: Any other father would be yelling and hitting by now

Husband: The Dalai Lama wouldn’t be hitting

Wife: Any normal father

Husband: I’m not trying to be normal, I’m trying to be exceptional

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Recently, I’ve been finding myself being “really mad” at one of my kids. Worse, I have been carrying my anger around and wrapping it in self-pity. This is a crappy habit to create!

To turn things around, I tried a 14-day cleanse…

Monica laughed as my cleanse was light weight in a Boulder sense… huge salad for dinner and no booze. I didn’t notice any difference physically but the anger has started lifting.

Here’s what I’ve been doing to cope.

Own It – when I’m angry, I notice the anger. I try to create some space by breathing and noticing “wow, I’m angry.” When I can pull this off, I don’t act on my anger.

Not acting on anger is a win, even when angry.

Identity – I remind myself that I’m not always the role that is making me angry:

  • Employee of difficult boss
  • Parent of difficult kid
  • Customer of difficult company

I discovered my painful identity when I was hiking (alone) feeling sorry for myself. I reframed my self pity into “a guy who can go for a hike.”

This helped until I became “guy who’s calf blew out on a hike!” At least my calf trouble got me swimming again and I noticed that problems in my body don’t make me angry.

Communicate – My anger doesn’t like anyone to know about it. So I have been introducing my anger to my wife, my friends and, now, you. Getting the emotion in the open creates space. Space is good.

Share Goodness – when I’m happy or enjoying myself… I send a little bit of that happiness to the object of my anger.

Breathing in – this is a good moment

Breathing out – I send her some goodness

The Rational Mind – I think of myself as being calm and rational. It’s everyone else that runs on autopilot.

Persistent irrational emotions point out that I’m merely OK in “my world” but have trouble with “the World.”

I want to apply evil intent on my kids but, looking deeply, the only possible intent is love and inclusion. Until I can experience that reality:

  • Keep breathing
  • Keep trying
  • Let go of the emotional warfare

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Today’s my youngest’s birthday. She’s one. It took me five years to become comfortable with babies and now they are gone!

Hopefully, I can up-skill with preschoolers before 2018.

Overcoming Difficulties

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Earlier this summer, we were having a lot of discomfort with our oldest. Things built up to where she’d start most days by raging at us.

One morning, after a particularly venomous outburst, my wife banned electronics for the day. Escalating, I extended the ban for a month.

Not wanting to backdown, I was stuck with having to come up with something to replace all the iPad time we had built into her day. As well, I had to acknowledge my personal laziness with using electronics to replace engagement. Time Magazine calls us hypocrites but the reality, in my life, is laziness.

With increased 1-on-1 engagement, improvement came quickly and the level of rage dropped within ten days.  Difficulties pop up, but they are age appropriate and mostly diffused with a hug and time spent together. I’m grateful to have the time to spend with the kids.

Some additional tactics that have worked:

  • With three kids, it important to remember that the oldest remains a kid (she’s 4.75).
  • Offer a change of activity before removing from the situation
  • Give more of my time to get better behavior. The fundamental conflict is over time and attention.
  • Let them know when it is their time. Take pictures of it. Post pictures where everyone can see as well as beside their beds.

Become aware of my desires for revenge – break the cycle of revenge by training myself to avoid all forms:

  • Not to pass along gossip
  • Not to correct
  • To agree as much as possible

The above are simple, yet surprisingly difficult to execute. They are near impossible on the Internet and ignored by the media. Would anyone even watch a show that was void of gossip, conflict or correction?

Because it is difficult to see my role in creating my life, I pay attention to how my peers talk about others.

Do you aspire to revenge via negative humor at the expense of others?

Speaking With My Daughter

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I’ve been teaching my daughter lessons that would have helped me as a young person:

  • Treat others how you want to be treated
  • Use people’s names when you speak to them
  • Ask people questions so that can talk about things that make them happy

As a young man I had a disregard for the opinions of others and viewed manners as a sign of personal weakness. While I enjoyed success despite these weaknesses, it could have done a lot less ‘damage’ if I’d been more considerate.

My daughter is four and has been yelling in my face, daily. I’ve been thinking about how I might help her smooth the rough edges.

The first tactic was to teach the three lessons above.

The second tactic was to acknowledge that we’ve been taking pride in certain elements of her aggressive speech – finding humor in the fear she stokes in other kids and the ease of travelling with a four-foot tall extrovert.

The last tactic was to identify, then improve, my own verbal shortcomings. This was tough for me and I had to ask Monica for tips. She didn’t come up with anything directly so I turned to the ancient texts (links to Buddhist teaching on right speech). Here I found something to work on…

Right Speech

  • …is spoken at the right time
  • …is spoken in truth
  • …is spoken affectionately
  • …is spoken beneficially
  • …is spoken with a mind of good-will

If my children were mind readers then would they be justified in yelling at me?

The question made me smile and I’m working on my “mind of good-will”.

Structuring A Family Day

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We’ve been tinkering with getting the kids into a routine that starts on Friday night. I thought I’d share because we are close to the point where everyone looks forward to it.

Friday afternoon – I wrap up all urgent work projects, ideally by mid-afternoon. Some weeks I grab a late-afternoon massage then do my final errands to prepare for the weekend.

Pulling The Plug – I power down my iPhone and computer by 6pm, Friday. This is huge for me.

Family Dinner – I start by having the kids pick out small candles for each person in the house, special relatives and our cats. We have 6-10 candles each week, depending on what’s up. My oldest lights the candles and we share our favorite part of the week with each other.

When we started these dinners (kids are 4, 2 and 7 months), it was chaos but we stuck with it. It took the kids four weeks to get into the new routine and now things run as smoothly as can be expected given their ages. A spin-off benefit was they were really well-behaved at my grandmother’s memorial dinner.

We take the opportunity to discuss any tricky issues that the kids have brought up during the week. Examples are: (a) wanting to destroy another child’s artwork; and (b) how we speak to each other.

Saturday morning – I’m usually first up and relight the candles for everyone to see as they get up. Some weeks I get a window for quiet time by myself.

Monica heads out the door around 8am for her long run. I stay with the kids and start doing the housework. Some weeks I focus outside, other weeks inside. Visible vacuuming is golden for my marriage!

Late morning, Monica takes a kid (or two) goes shopping and I stay at home, still cleaning. She comes back, grabs our oldest and takes her to do something just-the-two-of-them. This time is very valuable to our oldest, who competes for time with her mother.

By lunch time, the house is clean, the groceries are bought and we have a sitter arrive. I head out for my workout (usually a ride).

Monica returns around 2pm, all the kids nap and we get to spend time together.

Evenings are either with friends, each other (date night) or I take one of the kids out to dinner (usually our oldest).

I’m back online late afternoon and can still offer 24-hour turnaround on urgent matters.

Forcing myself to stay offline creates space for the little things that I tell myself I’m too busy to achieve (cleaning, decluttering, taking the kids to the park, reading, organizing).