Tag Archives: honesty

Navigating the Jockstrap Dilemma

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khumbu_yakA buddy has a magic jockstrap that he likes to wear ALL the time.

He claims it helps his performance and recovery.

Normally, his jockstrap would not be an issue for me. However, I’m one of his advisers and he asked me what I thought.

What to do?

We often find ourselves faced with a friend, client or family member that has beliefs we find ridiculous.

Here is what I do.

Pause

I know my first response with jockstraps is likely to offend my friend or, at least, create cognitive dissonance. So it’s better to wait and consider things carefully.

Give me a bit of time, I’ll need to do a bit of research on that… 

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Context

Is the jockstrap on the critical path? Is it the difference between success and failure?

Magical clothing, and other superstitions, are rarely the difference between success and failure.

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Action

What is the jockstrap’s impact on behavior?

My pal is motivated, thinks he’s performing better and not focused on something that might screw up his performance.

There can be adverse consequences from the effective treatment of superstitions!

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Can I Prove The Opposite?

I happen to think that jockstraps don’t impact performance.

Can I prove my point of view? Am I sure?

The placebo effect is real, and proven.

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One Thing

What’s the one thing, if addressed, will have a material positive impact on performance?

Focus on the “one thing” together.

Don’t spend time tweaking items that have no impact.

Use influence sparingly, then strongly.

The greatest influence on the world is via my own behavior.

My buddy can easily see that I don’t wear a jockstrap.

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Most importantly, after I didn’t call him out, I went for a walk and asked myself…

What’s MY jockstrap!!!

😉

Seeking Truth, Enduring Pain

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SXMMy favorite quote on pain comes from a champion athlete, Dave Scott.

Dave was giving a talk the day before an Ironman triathlon and was asked, “How do you deal with the pain of racing?”

His reply…

First of all, it’s not pain, it’s managed discomfort

Along the same vein, I heard Dave’s rival (Mark Allen) share the advice that…

To achieve a result, you need to be willing to accept whatever is required to get to the result

Many people confuse pain, with the process.

Others, incorrectly, believe that they can achieve a meaningful life without having to endure discomfort.

Plan => Do Work => Recover & Evaluate

Plan => Do Work => Recover & Evaluate

Plan => Do Work => Recover & Evaluate

The discomfort comes within the process. Specifically, with identifying, and addressing, our shortcomings and beliefs that prevent success.

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What’s the opposite of “seeking truth, enduring pain?”

Lies and pleasure?

I don’t think so.

Think about a situation where someone “can’t handle the truth.”

What do you receive from them when you probe the truth?

Fear and anger

These are “negative” emotions but useful to point the way towards truth.

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The ability to see the world clearly requires a commitment towards radical honesty within our own lives.

If I can’t see the truth within myself, I’ll constantly be fooling myself with others.

So…

When I feel fear and anger, I know that I am on to something.

I might be close to an area that’s holding back clear thinking.

Seek the truth beyond the triggers.

Book Recommendation along these lines is Ray Dalio’s Principles – available as a free PDF.

Renewing My Vows

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ax_leavesHopefully, I’ll be around so my actions teach my children this post before their first kiss.

If not, then I leave it to point them in the right direction. Read it to them annually, at graduations and at their weddings.

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Have you ever heard couples discussing their wedding vows? Perhaps wondering if they should include “honor and obey” in the words they exchange? That seems silly to me because it overlooks the essential components of EVERY long-term relationship.

What follows is how I try to live my marriage, and through my marriage interact with everybody. It wasn’t always this way – as a young man, my greatest weakness was a lack of compassion and an inability to see the second order consequences of my habit of hurting other people.

What are the most important ways that we honor each other?

First, and most importantly, is a commitment not to hurt other people.

Relationships fail when we get caught in a cycle of keeping score, tit-for-tat and not breaking the chain.

We don’t even need to be in the same room with each other to perpetuate this cycle. When I hear about marriages through third parties, I can feel the pain that the couple is creating for each other.

So I offer: I’ll do my best not to hurt you and ask that you forgive me for the many times that I’ll fall short.

Small children understand forgiveness instinctively. Each morning, I get a fresh start and, hopefully, I see each morning as a chance to get a little better than yesterday.

Now, my children will be like me in many ways. This means that they will arrive at adulthood with habits that will torpedo their relationships if not addressed. The most toxic of these habits is enjoying subtle retribution and justified anger.

So I offer: When I feel pain, I know it will be because I you have touched one of my many limitations. I vow to turn that knowledge inwards and try to make incremental progress.

I’ve been married for close to a decade. By chipping away a little bit each day, I make progress and, together, we strengthen our marriage.

It is my improvement, not my position, that makes me fit for leadership, and shows that I’m worthy of being honored.

Being honored for experience is great but being forgiven is much more valuable than being honored.

In a successful relationship, my errors are forgiven, rather than acting as triggers on top of 5, 10 or 15 years of repressed, mutually reinforced pain.

My dearest, I promise that I can handle the truth.

In life, we are tempted to protect others from the truth. This is a mistake and you will find that your strongest relationships are built on being open. In sharing our individual truths, we can work towards understanding what rings true as a couple.

The wisdom of these lessons becomes clear when you invert them.

Relationship failure is characterized by retribution, blame outside of myself and suppression of truth.

I failed many times before I learned a better way.

In order to shape my reality, I started by accepting it.

Chose wisely.

It Wasn’t Good For Me

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gnomeA number of my pals triathlon’ed from Vancouver to Calgary over the last two weeks. They did the journey as part of something called Epic Camp and I highly recommend Scott Molina’s blog about the trip. I’ve been chuckling along as the crew drill themselves daily across the Canadian Rockies.

In reading Molina’s diary of their adventure, I’ve been feeling three emotions…

Joy that Scott is able to keep on trucking. The guy’s 54 years old and he’s still able to love training at the edge of human endurance. Epic Camp is about the mental component of performance and Scott personifies joy from suffering.

Continuing amazement at what people can accomplish. It’s tempting to put ultra-athletes into a separate category as genetic freaks. The reality is most ultra-athletes are fairly normal physically. The differences arise in their capacity to embrace obsession and the way they experience fatigue & suffering.

Finally, I experience a deep sense of gratitude for my life in Boulder. When I was living my life of extreme athletic performance, I couldn’t see the cost of my status quo.

By the way, lots of people talk about the health risks of extreme exercise. I think that you are right but you’re missing the point. See the camp for what it is… a binge. I’ve always enjoyed a good binge. It’s something I need to watch. Also, so long as you don’t go banana’s with the running, the main short-term risk (to your kidneys) is limited.

Scott knows, and shares, the requirements for athletic success. He’s far more open than any other triathlon writer, myself included.

What’s yet to be published is the total reality of seeking our ultimate triathlon potential. Outside of triathlon, Sam Fussell gave it a shot with bodybuilding. His book, Muscle, is an entertaining account of the life of a full-time amateur (AKA a life similar to most tri-pros). Leaving the extreme drug use to one side, the parallels with my life are many.

I’ve often wanted to write the “whole truth” about my life. I’m most open with the non-racing spouses of my training pals. They know enough about my world to be entertained but aren’t so invested that I challenge their identities with my observations.

I looked deeper into my motivation and saw a desire to protect my children from my near misses. However, my children’s obsession is certainly going to be different than my own and they will resent being told what to do by their, ultimately, sixty-something father.

Here’s where Sam’s book comes into it’s own. The hero in Sam’s book is his mom. She keeps the lines of communication open, accepts Sam for who he his and frees him to change his mind on his own timetable.

As we ascend to the top, we can lose the goodness of our youth. It’s no accident that the highest-achievers had very difficult childhoods. It’s a rare person that becomes more kind under extreme stress – at Epic Camp, Bevan James Eyles is the best example that comes to mind. He was always part of the solution. The rest of us acted like wolves, or hyenas.

What helps everyone is encouragement to hold onto a piece of goodness and stay open when the little voice says, “this isn’t good for you.”

…and while I have no idea who is doing the talking… I know that following that voice has led me to a wonderful life.

Lex

Breaking The Chain

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Today’s title is the name of a book that was given to me by my coach. The book is about the impact of 100 years of choices in the sport of cycling. The stories will blow your mind.

The concept, of a continuous chain, is also a teaching in Eastern Philosophy. One aspect is that we can do good works when we DON’T pass along the pain we receive from another person. The gift of “not passing” is something that I practice at home.

FlagstaffA few years back, I made a decision to leave a group of friends rather than engage them over their cruelty of their language to each other.

I thought it would be more productive for me to change everyone’s names and write blog posts instead…

I’m laughing as I type that because it’s true. We all dig in when confronted directly.

Tips that help me be part of the solution for friends and family.

Statute of Emotional Limitations – I got this from Gordon Livingston. He recommends deciding on a statute of limitations for our childhoods. When we turn 25, 35, 45, 65 or 75… …we decide that we’ve grown up and we’re leaving it behind. it’s never too late to decide that you’ve grown beyond the slights of the past.

Young kids are fantastic teachers of this point. A baby holds nothing from her past. Even my three-year old, doesn’t retain emotion for more than a couple minutes. It’s a wonderful way to be and somewhat confusing to a father (me) that’s prone to holding a grudge.

Making time is a useful coping strategy if you’re prone to self-pity.

A favorite book is Tuesday’s With Morrie – Morrie is living with ALS and one of his coping strategies is to really experience his sadness each morning. Being completely sad for a few minutes enables him to live the rest of his day.

Recognizing Limits – there’s some stuff from my past that I might never get past. Some relationships that might never get sorted. Some episodes that will tag along for what remains of my life. I have a choice to own that reality.

Going further, in cases of abuse and trauma, the magnitude of the stress might have permanently rewired how we respond to certain situations. In my own case, just-the-right-mix can knock me off kilter.

As a result, I need to forgive myself for falling short of the idealized image in my head. Take fatherhood, at the end of a challenging shift with my kids, I might never be Christ-like, or tap my Buddha-nature, or whatever I happen to be shooting for at the time.

To deal with my shortcomings, it helps to think about the chain that led to me and understand that I’m going to leave a few loose ends when my time is done.

Lexi_PilotTaking a longer term perspective, my role is to move things along a little bit, not screw up and let my kids take the controls.

Some things take more than one generation to work through – that’s ok.

Be gentle with your short comings – simply try to do a little better.

Scoundrels and Rascals

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When I lived in Asia, I was taught that desire is a necessary component of deception.

My desire to “be right” often leads me right back to another deception.

Some tactics follow that might help you avoid trouble with rascals that, truth be told, are often entertaining.

They Might Be Right – I get a guaranteed laugh when I tell my wife, “I might simply be different.” She smiles, “yes, babe. You’re different alright.”

When would the other person’s course of action be right?

If we live long enough then we are almost certain to find our present selves holding different opinions from our younger selves.

The Message Not The Messenger – we share a curious desire to bring down others and a glee in catching people being naughty. My opinion of a person can prevent me from learning from them.

What can I learn from this person? this situation?

Turn People into Adjectives – when I’m locked on a person, it’s far more useful to drill down to a description of what’s triggering me.

Think about a person that’s disappointed you and dig, dig, dig… until you move beyond the person and arrive at the behavior. There is always something inside of me that’s being touched by, what I believe is, an external trigger.

Let The Situation Move Away – hands down, the most useful thing I realized. Nearly all my “problems” move away if I stop feeding them. Usually the best course of action is to chill out and let my problems leave on their own.

This doesn’t mean that I support the injustice that I see. I means that I acknowledge that my most effective antidote is being just in my own actions.

Turn problem people into adjectives and correct their behavior in myself.

  • Honesty
  • Courtesy
  • Reliability
  • Kindness
  • Gentle
  • Loving

Good For Him?

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A successful family web requires constant forgiveness, of our own errors as well as the rest of the family.

One of the great things about young children (and my wife) is a lack of memory about my mistakes. I get a fresh start each morning. I try to offer the same to them.

Irrational loyalty in a spouse creates a paradox. There are times when I overreact to others getting the benefit of my wife’s gift to our family. A conversation that we’ve had, more than once, goes like this:

M – I think Bruce might be sleeping with Sheila.

G – You sure?

M – Not really.

G – That’s messed up, what about the kids?

M – Well, he’s not happy. Good for him to try to find happiness.

G – Good for him?!?

At that point, I get very very quiet. I do that because I know…

My wife’s already perfect. I really mean it. Making her more like me, convincing her to see the world like I do, is highly unlikely to improve her, or our marriage. Society is always telling women that they would be better if they were something else. My gift for her, and my daughters, is believing that they are perfect as they are. There is ancient wisdom with this insight, women flourish in this environment.

My marriage benefits from my spouse’s irrational loyalty. A price I “pay” for this gift is her tolerance of the errors of people that are close to us. I should chill out, it’s a bargain and I get most the benefit.

However, I’m not irrationally loyal and my love is conditional. It takes a while to grind me down but I’m an old testament guy. No exceptions, other than my kids have a waiver until they are 18.

As a result, when fraud sets off an ethical trigger, my automatic brain floods my mind with rage and fury. I’m not a nice man when crossed and I’ll share a few thoughts:

Good for him? Why don’t I get myself some and see if there’s a different reaction.

Good for him? You have no idea how often I turn away from a path of infidelity.

Good for him? That happens in our marriage and I’m gone!

Good for him? I always wondered about their sporting ethics, now I know.

Good for him? What about those children?

Of course, my internal dialogue is an over-reaction. Having had my share of vomit moments, I am being triggered by an event in my past.

However, we should remember that when we fail to stand up for what’s right, we might be attracting what’s wrong.

…and I’m not writing about the Law of Attraction. I’m writing about our ability to extinguish ethical dilemmas before a decision needs to be made.

Many of my best decisions have been placing myself in a peer group where I never had to choose.

I have learned to protect myself from my own misjudgment.

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Names and conversations are compilations. If you think I’m writing about you then you’re mistaken. I’m writing about me.

Two Virtues

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Last week a friend sent me an article about preparing heirs and I asked myself, ‘what virtues do I want to pass to my kids?’

Kindness and honesty immediately came to mind.

Why do these stand out and how does my life demonstrate these traits to my kids?

I have very few regrets in my life but those that stand out are due to a lack of kindness at the end of relationships. The other errors that I’ve made had to do with excess drinking.

I can’t teach my kids about how to treat ex-girlfriends nicely anymore. However, I have better avenues for leading by example. How do I treat the most important person in their life, their mother.

The other area, that’s often overlooked, is how I treat people that can be mistreated with little personal downside, service people and strangers. There’s no better prevention for entitlement than working on humility with strangers. This trait has brought goodness, and good business, to my life.

Thursday’s blog will focus on having skin in the game and touches on the decisions that have brought me the most enduring satisfaction. As you can tell from my most recent book, I’ve received psychic benefit from not “taking the money.” This trait runs deeper than finance and has been tested many different ways.

Rather than tell my kids “don’t lie” I’ve been implanting a mantra of “it’s better to tell the truth.”

Cycling gave me an opportunity to explain why and I’m waiting for when they ask me about my own life.

What am I teaching my family by the way I live my life?