Tag Archives: kindness

Parenting – Define Better

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2016-09-30-16-53-02I was at a wilderness first aid course and a fellow student asked me if I thought parenthood had made my life “better.”

I gave a wry smile and shared that the challenges of fatherhood have made me a better man.

I further shared that it has been hard to detect any improvement in the quality of my day-to-day life.

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However, it gets easier.

Our youngest turned four last month and that marks a key shift in our house. The younger kids (4 and 5) still get worked up but we have the skills to avoid making the situation worse.

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Later, I had the realization that I’m basing my evaluation by looking at a single thread of my life.

You see, we only see the life we live. When I think more broadly, I’m certain that there are many threads that are tougher than living with three loud kids that love me.

For personal happiness, it pays to ask around, get out of the house and serve the community.

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I have accepted that I am a good parent but I might not be good at parenting.

What I mean… I can provide the kids what they need but there isn’t the ease, and joy, that I see with mastery.

I shared this observation with my parenting mentor and she gave me a wry smile!

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After eight years, I’ve come to the realization that my limitations are OK and I pay attention to them.

My motto…

When I am struggling with someone then it’s a sign that I’m spending too much time with them. So, it’s better for me, and them, if I stay under the irritation threshold.

Keeping a little in reserve can be easier for a guy (see my piece on Mommy Fatigue) but my wife sees the benefits (for all of us) of acknowledging limits.

Passion

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What were you talking about the last time you were the most animated person in the conversation?

There’s information inside your passion.

Write it down!

In my case, I was talking about trying to be a father within a successful marriage.

A young wife will have a portfolio of needs, biases and desires.

As a husband, and new father, you are going to have your own portfolio of ideas for success.

Avoid the error of seeking to change your spouse…

…instead, be the best person you can be, while seeking to understand your core needs.

Remember…

When you are under stress, you are going to have a tendency to assign blame to your partner — stop this immediately — it is counterproductive. Try a week as a single parent and remember your family needs all the help it can get.

If you ask around (about your “problems”) then you will find out the parenting experience is universal. A better way to frame your household is your “new reality!”

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Many of my friends have a tendency to frame fatherhood (and marriage) as a negotiation.

I think there is a more effective way, than trying to outwit, outplay and outlast your life partner.

  • Be clear and consistent about your own needs.
  • Be willing to work to get your needs met.
  • Support your partner’s needs.

Childcare is an area where couples stress themselves, and their marriage, to save from their family budget.

Most my peers have the ability to earn a multiple of their babysitter’s hourly pay. Allocate four hours of work per week — invest the incremental income in time spent as a couple and time spent alone.

A wise allocation of time can bring you closer as a couple and keep you from tipping over the edge with your kids.

Reaching For Success – Young Families

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What makes a successful family system?

If you ask around then you might hear love, kindness, tolerance and forgiveness. All good but, with a room full of youngsters, these “higher states” often seem unattainable.

Let’s focus on specific tactics.

2016-08-17 17.20.34Renunciation – As an elite endurance athlete, this was a strength of mine. However, what serves a high-performer’s goals is unlikely to serve one’s family.

What happens when deeply help beliefs get in the way of being a good father, a good parent, a good son?

Most of us have past habits living inside of us. Feeding these desires as a single adult have limited repercussions in our lives. As a father, self-indulgence leads to misery.

What beliefs/habits are holding me back from being a better man?

The difficulty of change is completely worth it.

2016-08-17 10.52.28Intangible Assets – What is peace of mind worth?

What price are you willing to pay for a happier spouse?

How much is it worth to teach a three-year old conflict resolution skills?

I promise that you will undervalue the intangible benefits of greater serenity and you will greatly overestimate the pleasure you receive from hard assets.

In my family budget, “luxury” spending is focused on two areas:

  • Pre-K for the kids
  • Childcare for your marriage

At the end of 2012, we downsized our home to ensure we could fund the above.

2016-08-16 11.24.53One-On-One Time – It takes one-on-one time to get inside your child’s world.

Spend the same amount of time (overall) with your spouse.

Hold sacred your daily quiet time with yourself.

With kids, spouse, self, job, PTA, laundry, parents… we have endless demands on our time!

It is “ok to say no.”

Get more comfortable doing enough for the family, rather than your best for yourself. You might never be fully comfortable with time compromises. Discomfort is OK.

2016-08-14 12.26.58Patience – it will take work, over time, to learn skills to maintain your sanity, within the natural chaos of a new family home.

Give yourself 1,000 days to see where you need help.

Go get help!

Experienced preschool teachers have a wealth of knowledge you can tap to become skillful at home.

Most my “problems” are created when a lack of skill meets my emotional habits of anger, retreat, sadness, aggression and revenge.

2016-08-13 21.00.46Renunciation, self-care, connection and patience.

 

Fame, Meaning and Risk

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2016-06-21 16.41.25A buddy asked me to have a look at the movie, Meru, a compelling account of climbing at the highest level.

What an amazing movie.

It reminded me of the themes that challenge my daily living.

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Fame

We share a need for connection and approval.

When I see someone with an extreme need for approval, I feel compassion for the child within them. I feel this because growing up with addiction, abuse or abandonment will crank up our need for approval/fame. My kids are lucky to have parents that are present and loving.

Try this antidote.

Lots of small acts of kindness.

I’ve been at it for more than 5,000 days.

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Meaning

Young people thrive when working together on a challenging mission.

In middle-age, many of your fondest memories will be a result of this reality. Remember that memory is a chemical signature of a story we tell ourself.

Coming back from the mission, or simply growing up, can leave a HUGE void in your life.

Applying the kindness tip gives you a dose of meaning but you’re going to long for a stronger fix.

Surprisingly, the mission might not need to be that much larger.

  • Build a veggie garden for your son
  • Teach your daughter to use an inflatable dinghy
  • Take your wife camping
  • Drag your son on a sled to a mountain lodge

I’m constantly giving myself missions. Recognizing that I’m larger than myself, my missions have an ever lower risk of death.

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Risk

Teach your kids to recognize, and be wary of, risk-seekers – especially the criminal variety. Risk-seekers are exciting when your under 25. They are a disaster as a partner in family living.

Another antidote…

Gradually expand your sphere of influence…

  • Your future self
  • Your marriage
  • Your kids
  • Your family
  • Your tribe
  • Your community
  • Your country
  • Your planet

At times, I found it useful to take a break from my risk-seeking pals. I’ve tried learning new hobbies. I’ve resisted the urge to constantly benchmark myself against others.

It takes courage to make better decisions.

Family Risks

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cargobikeWhen you consider risks to your family’s capital, what sort of things pop up in your mind?

  • Stock market crashes
  • Unemployment
  • Death of main breadwinner
  • Divorce
  • Underperformance of family business
  • Change in political situation
  • Change in interest rate policy
  • War and civil unrest

If we broaden the scope to human capital, what might you add?

  • Addiction and Substance Abuse
  • Remittance dependence
  • Health and wellness
  • Dementia and eldercare

I’ve known five generations of my family and we’ve experienced all of the above.

Surprisingly, the top-of-mind risks are not our source of greatest loss.

Aside from mental illness, our greatest source of turmoil has been due to developing an abnormal sense of normal. More specifically, we’ve looked up to friends & family that led us astray with regard to our financial aspirations.

DaddyGIf you happen to be a self-made individual then you will, quite rightly, say “it’s my life and I’ll live the way I darn well choose.”

You are right.

I commend you.

Self-reliance is a wonderful gift to our communities and I hope to teach it to my kids.

…but I remind myself of the cost of benchmarking at ever higher levels of achievement.

  • The cost comes in time not spent with my spouse and kids.
  • The cost comes from choosing work that is ethically ambiguous.
  • The cost comes when spending time becomes spending money.

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This caution also applies to risk.

As a young man, I tracked into higher and higher levels of “acceptable risk.” A good friend died. Another went bankrupt.

Teach your kids to notice risk-seeking behavior in themselves, and others.

  • Mountaineers => good, great, dead
  • Property Developers => good, great, bust
  • Professional Athletes => good, great, disgraced

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Finally, consider the impact of neighborhood and peers.

A friend jokes that his daughter was one of the few kids at her Bay-Area school that didn’t have an elevator in her home.

What’s my children’s definition of normal?

Choose wisely.

Building Bridges

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2016-02-12 18.28.49A few years back, I identified my relationship with my daughter as an area that had the potential to greatly improve my life. At the time, I was devoting excessive energy to her via worry and stress. She was always in my mind, even when I was away from her.

How can we reduce the impact of our not-helpful obsessions within our minds?

I use two techniques:

  • Be kind and generous to as many people as possible – lots of tiny actions
  • Express the same habit, directly, to the person with whom I want to improve my relationship

Now, it’s important to bear in mind that it only takes one person to torpedo a relationship. So I might not be successful.

That’s OK – “success” isn’t my goal.

If the goal isn’t “success” then what is it?

Take a minute and consider what your words to your children indicate about your definition of success.

When I’m stressed, my words might indicate a desire for compliance, quiet and solitude. Is that what my family really needs?

Those same desires can be satisfied via personal, internal serenity within whatever relationship I have with people.

What’s this have to do with the “one-on-one” trip?

Taking the toughest member of the family on a road trip was a way to “step up” within my household. I’ve been taking my oldest on the road since she could walk.

ax_zenMy young children have a simple agenda with me…”do stuff with Dad.”

It’s simple, but not easy.

It’s not easy because “dad” has a preference for strong coffee and exercising uphill. I also like to be left alone to read, write and think.

To do fatherhood “right.” I have to make the commitment to be with my child, on the child’s terms.

A habit of service spills over into other aspects of my life, for example my marriage.

  • Just me and the child
  • Focus on doing things the kid likes
  • Never more than three nights away
  • If the kid is awake then my agenda is put to one side

Truth be told, the trips started as a way to get my Alpha Child out of the house. The fact that I ended up with better relationships with everyone was an unexpected bonus from seven years of sticking with it.

ax_mexico

Family Leadership

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2016-02-08 10.36.04I’ve written about the concept of the good-enough parent — a combination of showing up and not retaliating. It is a simple strategy but quite challenging in the face of a disgruntled preschooler!

Seven years in, I’ve managed to make non-retaliation a habit. If you are still working on it then remember to practice all-the-time…

  • Yield in traffic and queues
  • Breathe into tension
  • Slow down

New habits are most easily created when we are capable of self-control — away from the kids, in low stress environments.

I’ve been at it for over 15 years.

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What’s next?

I’ll start by sharing what’s definitely not next.

A habit of constant correction will make you, and everyone in your house, miserable.

An easy way to make this visible… track your positive-to-negative interactions with your kids, spouse and friends.

Another way… ask a close friend… When I talk about myself, what do I say?

If this is an area for improvement then it’s already obvious to everyone around you.

It was shocking when I did this with my oldest. I became so aware of my error in approach that you can get a quick rise out of me by constantly correcting her in my presence.

Correcting less, in ALL areas of my life.

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2016-03-09 15.27.20What about next-level positive habits?

De-escalation – become skillful in draining the energy out of situations.

Most of us didn’t grow up in an environment that taught us these skills.

Becoming an effective family leader will require education, motivation and daily practice.

Two things helped me here:

  1. learning the methods of outstanding preschool teachers – if they can teach preschoolers to de-escalate then they can certainly teach us!
  2. reading the secular writings of spiritual masters

2016-03-12 10.34.52Opening To Experience – the most valuable experiences shared with my family serve no purpose, other than sharing an experience with my family.

Often, my shared experiences are activities that I would not choose for myself. Recent examples, collecting sea shells, swim races, downhill skiing and art shopping.

2016-03-12 10.31.31Most of the leadership we were shown as children was about saying “no.”

Constantly being told what not to do.

Consider becoming the embodiment of what to do.

Is it any wonder many of us rebelled and left as soon as we could?!

Is it any wonder that many of us continue to hold resentments about events, and people, that haven’t existed for 20, 30 or 40 years?

To break this cycle, I say “yes” as much as possible. Yes to beachcombing. Yes to downhill skiing. Yes to painting. Yes to card games.

Stay open to experience.

Stay open to love.

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My Children’s Laughter

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Loading UpIn my mid-20s, it dawned on me that I had saved enough money to sail around the world.

Instead of a trip, I took a promotion.

By my early 30s, my net worth had grown and I took a leave of absence, to effectively, exercise all-day everyday.

It wasn’t a feeling of financial security that pushed me to make the change.

It was a set back, an unexpected divorce.

Other major changes have been triggered by unemployment or massive financial loss. In buddies, I’ve seen health issues as the trigger.

Most recently, it’s been misery. Unexpected misery has proven to be the most useful part of parenting.

A story about coping…

BelleSince 2008, I’ve done, or seriously considered…

  • Studying ministry
  • Teaching my kids, my wife’s family’s religion
  • Selling my house, buying a catamaran, sailing around the world – this would include boat-schooling my kids
  • A bioscience degree
  • Various start-ups
  • Returning to finance
  • Pursuing a world-title in a niche sport
  • Pursuing a world-title in another, even smaller, niche sport
  • Relocating to Australia
  • Relocating to California

Pretty big list but I’ve discovered that major change is unlikely to be the solution to a question, that I’ve had difficulty framing.

In my search, two mantras popped up…

2016-01-28 10.03.11Everything I need can be found at home – there is no happiness available in a new sport, new town, new house, new job, new partner… that isn’t available within my existing life.

2016-01-27 11.38.06Meaningful work is part of the solution – everything that I’ve enjoyed in my life is a result of effort. I’m constantly trying to fool myself that doing less will create more happiness. I have the means to make myself miserable through sloth.

Road tripBut what to do?

There are two traits with guaranteed huge payoffs to myself and every person with whom I interact – patience and kindness.

Patience moves my inner life towards serenity.

Kindness vaccinates my mind against anxiety and the opinions of others.

At some stage in your life, I hope you realize that you are free. When that realization touches fear, and a feeling of “WTF now?!”, I hope you remember to fall back on kindness and patience.

What does all this have to do with my kids’ laughing?

After five years of effort, I wouldn’t describe my inner life as jovial. However, I live with three of the happiest children in the world.

When I listen to their frequent laughter, I know that I am happy enough.

 

Two Gifts

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2016-01-09 19.05.25For a number of years, I’ve chosen one thing and constantly reminded myself that I have far more than I need of this item.

If you’ve heard me talk about my experiences with finance, or sport, one theme that I emphasize is a feeling that I was far more successful than I expected to be.

Another example might be talking about living with preschoolers… it’s the most hugs I’ve ever had in my life. I’m very well loved.

Or what it’s like to be married to my wife… sharing my life with her is far from a hardship posting.

This habit need not be built with the “big” things in our lives.

2016-01-09 16.56.53Each time I leave a tip at a restaurant, I might pause and say, internally, “isn’t it wonderful to be in a position where I have a little extra to give.”

Each time I reach into the fruit drawer of my fridge, “pretty amazing that we can have crispy apples, year round.”

If I shovel my neighbor’s sidewalk, “it’s so cool to have the time to help this person out.”

The point being to create, and reinforce, a trigger than reminds me that I am surrounded by examples of having more than I need.

So the first gift I wish for you is a feeling of having enough, in at least one area of your life.

2016-01-03 12.59.47++

A new habit I’m seeking to build is paying attention to how I feel when I’m walking.

I picked this one up from The Art of Power, by Hanh. It’s a wonderful book, filled with stories about how I fool myself!

I have found walking a little slower feels better.

I’ve noticed that breathing a little deeper feels better.

Strengthening those two habits will lead to better outcomes.

Because…

Most my errors come from quick action when anxious.

So the second gift I wish for you is short, pleasurable breaks whenever you find yourself walking.

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Deciding Who’s To Blame

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sharing

Today’s picture is my seven-year old sharing her birthday candles with her siblings.

Watching unconditional sharing in my oldest child showed me that I am not seeing things as they are.

My daughter has far more kindness than I perceive.

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bigbearListen to people discuss their difficulties and you’ll hear about the shortcomings of others.

How I can counter my tendency to fool myself within my key relationships?

Acknowledge stress – illness, injury, financial hardship, noise, lack of sleep – when I am under duress, I’m much more likely to “blame” people, rather than owning situations.

A house filled with little people is a stressful situation, certainly if you’re not used to it. Be watchful that you don’t form a negative view of others, simply because you’re under duress.

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2015-10-10 10.48.53Slow down – stress, combined with rushing, is my optimal state for making mistakes!

I can cut my error rate in half with well-placed pauses and noticing when I am holding my breath.

How often do you hold your breath? In what circumstances?

As I coach, I would teach cyclists to corner better by breathing-through-the-turns.

Like a nervous athlete descending a mountain road, we might not realize when we are holding our breath.

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happyChange externals – When I am falling out with people, consider if “people” are the problem.

If I want to make things work with an individual then focus on frequent small actions to reduce their stress.

With every person I see (especially my internal life), what is the scorecard of negative vs positive interactions?

A simple way to improve my interactions with others is to improve my own attitude.

What kinds of emotional fingerprints do I leave?

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Go deep – remember that it’s rarely about what it’s about.

External circumstances and basic needs drive most of our behaviors. What’s the unmet need that’s driving this behavior?

When you get the hang of manipulating others with the above… 😉

…then you can tweak your key relationships

…and, perhaps, yourself