Tag Archives: kindness

Survival Tips For A Sad Parent

Posted on by

2015-09-18 19.23.04A father with two young children asks, “Is there anything you could recommend to make my family life less awful?”

I can’t wave a wand and make it enjoyable. However, I take comfort in the knowledge that there are many people that enjoy young children.

Let’s start with some tips for maintaining your personal sanity and your marriage.

++

2015-09-09 18.36.01Perspective

Listening to parents talk about their kids, and the scars of their own childhoods, it’s universally reported that little kids are challenging people to live alongside.

My current experience is one day out of ten is very tough. If I want to get dramatic, then I can extrapolate to 40 days a year that are awful… more than a month a year in suffering!

However, if I look deeply then it is closer to 100 hours a year, and I’m with my kids a lot.

Looking even deeper… I break it down to a couple “moments” each day where I need to resist my urge to retaliate and settle a sensation of internal panic.

Five years ago, it was closer to ten “moments” a day, and I spent far less time with the kids.

It’s important to recognize the positive trend line in our lives.

So what seems like constant bedlam (to my remembering self) is, more accurately, twenty moments a week when I need to be skillful, or simply not make the situation worse!

++

2015-09-10 11.40.34A Hard Truth

From the time your oldest turns two until your youngest enters first grade — it’s not about you.

If you were the prettiest girl in high school, the captain of your varsity sports team, or the highest achiever in your firm then this reality will come as a shock.

I understand that you are shocked by your situation.

I was also shocked.

We should both set a date to get over it.

Your kids are going to present you with an opportunity to become better than you are.

Take the opportunity because a self-serving attitude will become one of the key regrets of your life.

Ask around.

++

2015-09-12 18.48.03All We Have Is Time

Most of the pain I felt in the early years had to do with a conflict of choice => further external validation versus doing what’s best for my family.

So I jettisoned the easy stuff – anything that cost significant time and money – went.

What has worked is redirecting the additional spending towards childcare that enables me to spend time with my spouse and alone (in nature, in silence).

You might find it tempting to let your spouse get overwhelmed – losing health, embracing addiction, breaking down mentally.

Make a pact that you won’t let each other go that far. The kids will grow up and neither of you will want to be married to that sort of person.

++

What You Control

What changes can I make to offer my family a better version of myself?

  1. Say no to non-core
  2. Practice not-response

I work on a small scale and life consistently gets better.

Give A Minute

Posted on by

minuteA simple way to reduce the noise in your head.

  • When you can feel yourself closing off,
  • or anger rising,
  • or have been asked to do something that you’re rather not…

…give a minute

2015-08-30 18.20.58

  • When my kids aren’t listening to me…
  • or I think they aren’t complying…
  • or they are arguing with each other…

…give a minute

2015-08-20 17.02.24By giving bits of time, I immediately removed half the conflict out my life and was able to leave the past, in the past.

It’s wonderful.

2015-08-30 19.43.37

You are going to tell yourself that you don’t have the time to give a minute.

I can feel rushed as well.

Perhaps you can start small.

I started by giving seconds away when driving.

Yield.

If you start then pay attention.

Pay attention to what happens after.

By giving time I feel less pain.

Yes, I am a little slower when we are together but this is more than compensated by peace of mind when we are apart.

You’ll be surprised at how little time it takes to transform yourself.

Stay open.

Alpha Child

Posted on by

If you have a high-energy youngster living under your roof then this might prove helpful.

The first thing I remind myself is there’s nothing, and no one, to fix. My kids are happy and the feedback from the outside world is positive.

+++

I ask myself, “With this child, what’s my role?”

My role is to avoid becoming the problem.

Which implies…

  • taking care of my sleep, my body, my mind and my habits
  • ensuring that I get enough silent time (alone and in nature)
  • steering away from the urge for revenge, aggression and anger

Ideas!

All Day Engagement – a bored alpha child makes everyone miserable, including herself. While some kids can putter and amuse themselves (see below), our oldest does best with a structured day with unstructured breaks.

Ritual & Routine – from birth, my wife has done an excellent job of conditioning the kids to relax when their heads are wrapped in a soft cotton blanket. It works so well that our oldest will resist when she doesn’t want to relax. Ritual and routine are soothing to an anxious child.

Parent Like Dora – if you’ve watched Dora the Explorer then you’ll know that each show features three steps.

To give my kids something to latch onto, I’m always explaining the next three steps…

  • Dinner, Bike, Shower
  • Bath, Pajamas, Story
  • Socks, Shoes, Car

2015-08-23 18.51.51Spread The Energy – I use high chairs, assigned seating, cold drinks and air conditioning to reduce stress when we’re packed together.

  • For drives, my Sienna is set up with staggered seating so the kids can’t whack each other. Throwing things in the car is highly frowned upon!
  • As they develop, we find that different kids push our buttons. To dial down the house, I’ll take a little “disrupter” on a trip. The trips last anywhere from an an afternoon to a week. Sometimes I take more than one kid.

2015-08-21 09.53.08Do you know your parenting preference?

Mine is a shared activity with one person – I sign up for that a lot.

+++

It’s proven much easier to change my attitude, habits and approach than the core personality traits of my children.

Be Skillful.

A Young 46

Posted on by

boatingSomewhere beyond your 30th birthday the world might begin to tell you that you look young for your age.

If you say this to me, I might smile and reply, “This is what 46 looks like.”

Likewise, many people say… “but I don’t feel my age.” To them I note, that’s what your age feels like.

They might follow that up with… “I wonder what 50, or even 75, is going to feel like?”

It’s going to feel like right now.

+++

The practice of accepting my age helps me accept all phases of life…

  • The overtired toddler
  • The anxious teen
  • The sociopathic 20-something
  • The fearful cancer patient
  • The crabby elder
  • The grieving spouse

If we are fortunate to live a long life then we will move through most these phases of experience. At midlife, they surround me.

If we happen to be “young for our age” then it might take a few more years for us to arrive at the phase where we “look old.” But it’s coming.

So I will try to enjoy this day and I will try to accept whatever day you are going through.

And when I am scared, or angry, or tired…

I’ll pause, try not to pass it on and remember to live as best I can.

 

 

Unmet Needs

Posted on by

number_oneI have many traits that can lead to poor outcomes:

  • I’m prone to hurry
  • I overestimate my capacity to impact external situations
  • I have a bias towards action
  • I’m stressed by noise and crowds

All of the above, work against my ability to help people and can lead to misery.

To get along better with others, I’ve started asking myself:

What’s the unmet need that’s driving this behavior?

Here’s a link to my article about how to help others: quiet presence, listen without knowing and compassionate action.

With my kids, I’ve noticed that most anti-social behavior stems from six sources:

  • Hunger – lack of food
  • Thirst – lack of drink
  • Sleep – lack of recovery
  • Boredom – lack of engagement
  • Need For Compassion – lack of connection
  • Habit / Temperament

The above are easy to spot in babies, toddlers and preschoolers.

Once you can see them in your kids, try to feel them in yourself. Through self-awareness, you may start to see what drives the behavior of people around you.

The antisocial effects of hunger, thirst, sleep and boredom are why I resist changes to the underlying routine of my life: train AM/PM, eat/drink real food, sleep in a cool room, read and write.

I have a desire to be effective in all my relationships.

Do you?

If you don’t that’s OK. I certainly didn’t care about anyone other than myself for long periods of my adult life. If you don’t care then own it.

My difficulties with people make sense when viewed from the lens that I didn’t care and had significant unmet needs (health, exercise, solitude, nature).

Own my needs.

Address my needs.

Slowly, I have the capacity to focus outside myself.

How to meet that need for connection?

  • Put my phone down
  • Relax my inner experience with a two slow breaths
  • Listen, without knowing, until the person has spoken fully
  • Smile, nod and comment about an area of agreement

This works magic. The entire cycle takes less than a minute.

Connection is the solution.

On The Occasion of My 10th Wedding Anniversary

Posted on by

car_shotSome reflections on relationships.

Love will make your spouse more beautiful but remember that kindness is more valuable than beauty.

Working on myself has proven more effective than working on my marriage, my family or any other person/project in my life.

A valuable step in making myself suitable for marriage was getting myself to the point where I was comfortable being alone.

I couldn’t offer myself to others until I was comfortable with myself.

Gradual self-improvement is the journey.

ACT as if you remember why you wanted someone in your life in the first place — to share common experiences.

Thank you for helping me achieve everything I need in life. I reviewed my notes from the last three years and, together, we’ve achieved everything I wanted. So nice to be able to share my journey with you.

Love you, babe.

Fatherhood: Giving Myself A Break

Posted on by

disneyDuring the school year, my son and I have a routine. When I come back from my afternoon workout, he takes a bath while I have a shower. It’s a win-win-win as the two of us end up clean and my wife likes a fresh family.

Last week, as I was heading out the door for date night, my son asked me to help him get clean.

One of my reactions was fear.

  • Fear that if I gave into this request then I’d never get out of the house.
  • Fear that if I gave into the request then the requests would never stop.

Fortunately, I was able to pause before I acted on my fear.

While pausing, the thought arrived that I MUST break this pattern of behavior in my boy.

What pattern was that?

Loving me, or wanting to spend time with me? 😉

Pausing a little more, I thought about everyone in the situation.

  • The Sitter – being left with a dirty, unhappy four-year old
  • My Wife – sitting outside, content with her apps
  • My Boy – wanting his dad to spend time with him
  • Myself – feeling a wall rising inside me as I’m tempted to close out my son

I sent my wife a text that I’d be a bit late, enjoyed giving my son a bath and everything worked out fine.

+++

I share this story because it highlights a dangerous habit that is easy to create.

Closing my inner life because I’m scared of future demands.

If you look for this pattern then you will see it everywhere.

  • Gifting – refusing to help now, to avoid being asked later
  • Parents – giving into the desire to break the child now, to “help” them later

Inside me, the habit feels like a form of revenge.

I’ll turn away from you now, because that’s “easier” than having to say no later.

Looking deeply, I’m the one that is hurt by this habit (and I’m robbing myself of the feel-good benefit of being a nice guy).

Harsh people think their hardness is a long-term favor to the people in their lives. They probably learned this habit in a difficult childhood.

My heart tells me that I’ll be OK with the risks of staying open to the people in my life.

Be brave.

Time Enough For Love

Posted on by

loveA conversation that I’ve had with a few friends.

A friend shared that he noticed that he hates being rushed and he also aims to be early for every appointment. His solution is to compromise sleep so that he’s able to arrive early for every appointment.

When I look closely, I find that it is impossible to enjoy anything when I hurry. I was surprised by how little I need to slow down to increase enjoyment.

Later in our conversation, he shared that his doc simultaneously recommended that he reduce his stress load and start testosterone supplementation.

I advised against because, you’ll simply cram more into your life and not address the underlying cause of your fatigue.

+++

Later I shared my own story…

Rather than focusing on what’s important, I have been asking, Who is important? Who are the people on my list?

My list is spouse, kids, family and a couple friends. That’s who I’m truly working for.

I then asked myself, “Am I willing to change to be truly available to those people?”

I’ve decided to start small.

Write a list of five people (the important) and drop the urgent when you have the chance to be with them.

Dropping everything sounds severe but, in reality, it consists of looking away from a book or computer screen.

In the evening, it can be as simple as sitting between my daughters on the couch and doing housework after they go to bed.

+++

What does being available to the people that love us have to do with being rushed, high stress and testosterone supplementation?

Put another way, why am I rushed, stressed and exhausted?

If you look deeply then you may find a core belief that you have to cram MORE into your life to serve your family and win the respect of others.

However, this will never satisfy because what your family truly needs is YOU, your presence, your love, your time.

Pleasure, Happiness and Joy

Posted on by

pancakeI came across a book that shared many stories about happiness.

One of the stories is how we fool ourselves by mistaking pleasure for happiness. An example might be…

  • 1 square of chocolate is pleasure
  • 20 squares of chocolate is a tummy ache

The slogan being… Pleasure Consumes Itself

The risk being… we become slaves to chasing pleasure.

+++

A story…

Our three-year old was having a tough morning and we weren’t making progress getting him ready for school.

So I picked him up, picked his socks up, picked his shoes up and picked his bag up…

…and headed out the door with the little guy in my arms.

He was screaming that he wanted to go back to the house and put all his stuff on, himself.

As that’s what I wanted him to do, originally, I agreed.

However, I said,

Sure you can go inside. First you need to calm down. We’re going to do it together. I’m going to count to three and we will take a breath after each number.

I held his hand, looked into his eyes, smiled and said…

One, big breath, hold, exhale

He was still crying but took the breath with me.

I said…

Two, big breath, hold, exhale

By this point, he cracked a smile through his tears.

Three, you did it. You’re calm. I’m so happy!

And we walked back into the house to have a “do over” on the departure.

+++

In reflecting on this story, I noticed that my son taught me to be happy with another person’s success, his own.

I also noticed that I would have been unable to learn without experiencing the pain of his initial meltdown.

The joy we shared was much deeper than anything offered by a piece of chocolate.

I also noticed that I can remember his success and bring myself back to that moment.

If a three-year old can transcend himself then what’s my excuse?

🙂

Send Prayers Not Panic

Posted on by

flowersMy daughter broke her arm in April. The mini-crisis provided me with a case study in how we cope with stress.

Here’s a typical conversation:

Friend: I’m so glad she’s OK, I couldn’t sleep the night that I heard the news.
G: Your reaction is what I expected. You know, I wonder if the most compassionate thing to do is let situations resolve themselves and not trigger a massive wave of worry through the community. Worry is a distraction from what matters.

Friend: What about prayer? I believe in the power of prayer to help heal Lexi.
G: So do I, and thank you for your prayer. However, looking deeper, was it prayer that kept you up at night? For every prayer we received, I felt so much worry. I don’t think the worry is productive.

In fact, I have seen situations where not communicating with someone triggers anger (because they were denied the opportunity to worry on my behalf).

It’s an interesting conundrum.

I’ve been watching a similar pattern play out, on a larger scale, with the health of Thich Nhat Hanh, one of the greatest teachers of my lifetime. During the small crisis in our family, I followed the lead of this larger community.

I focused on getting expert support for my daughter.

Within my inner circle, I let people express themselves fully, answered their questions and followed up to address their concerns.

…and life continued onwards.