Tag Archives: kindness

Too Kind Too Generous

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ax_and_bellaHow do you deal with someone telling you that you’re too kind or too generous?

What if the person telling you is your inner voice?!

I wasn’t sure how to handle, so I went for a bike ride to consider my alternatives.

Riding along, I laughed when I realized that people never tell me that I’m too kind to them, only too kind to others.

A little later, I laughed again when I realized that I seem to have everyone fooled. My too-kind-too-generous strategy is solely in my self interest.

So, rather than get grumpy. A better reaction is to share that…

You are a good person.

Remember that my capacity to help another person isn’t limited to them. It’s how I treat you.

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I looked a little deeper and considered the times where I felt that life was giving someone else too much of a good thing.

These feelings are related to the difficulty that I can have with other people’s success and happiness.

I realized my criticism was flowing from a fear that there wasn’t enough for me.

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I’ll end with a song that my son learned when he was two-years old.

The song is called Magic Penny and this is my favorite part…

Love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

It’s just like a magic penny,
Hold it tight and you won’t have any. 
Lend it, spend it, and you’ll have so many
They’ll roll all over the floor.

My children are excellent teachers.

My Five Best Friends

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mountain_axIf you ask me what being a father is like then I might share that it is often horrible.

However, if you ask me to describe my life then I would assure you that it is wonderful.

I might follow this realization by making an attribution error of…

  1. horrible = kids
  2. wonderful = myself

I don’t think that I’m the only one making this mistake.

What’s actually happening inside my head when I’m feeling “horrible?”

Horrible doesn’t happen until I’m stretched and decide to label my fatigue.

If I am rested then parenting is fatiguing. I become tired by the effort required to improve myself.

Perhaps, I am creating habits that make the not-horrible aspects of my life wonderful?

I’m not sure, we all love a good story and I might be fooling myself.

For the last five years, I have been working on:

  • De-escalation
  • Yield Whenever Possible
  • Not-response
  • Redirection
  • Say What You Want To Have Happen

Other than the last point, parenting hasn’t come naturally to me. Taking stock, I ask myself…

  • Which emotional states did I reinforce today?
  • How do the people that are close to me make me feel?
  • Who is creating these feelings?

Change and Couples

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balloon_hatI was riding with a buddy and he shared…

I’ve been the same guy since she married me. I don’t understand why she keeps expecting me to change.

I had no idea about my pal’s marriage so I shared my opinion of our relationship…

Well, you’re a good guy and I’m grateful for everything that you’ve taught me.

Later, I realized that I’ve been on both sides of the conversation many times.

The thoughts, of the husband AND the wife, happen so often they are a habit of mine.

My habit isn’t useful.

Here’s what I’ve learned about personal change.

When I’m resisting a person that knows me well, it is because there is a conflict between (a) the truth of what they are saying; and (b) what I think will make me happy.

An example from my past was a belief that a life of constant exercise and extreme nutrition would make me happy. This was true, until it wasn’t. When it wasn’t true any more, somebody pointing out that my family might benefit from an engaged father, more than a top athlete, could have triggered resistance in me.

An even more simple example would be if my wife pointed out that eating Pad Thai and drinking beer, didn’t appear to make me happier than eating salad and drinking tea!

In the above two examples, I figured things out for myself but there must be other areas where I continue to fool myself.

I pay attention because there is no trigger without truth.

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Now, the other side of the conversation.

Placing my personal happiness in another person’s capacity to change is foolish.

First, because what I think changes from moment-to-moment!

Second, because when I pay attention to what causes true happiness within me… it has nothing to do with “you changing”, and everything to do with my own choices.

Easy to say, tough to realize.

The way I figured out the above, was to make my desires real by playing “I’ll be happy when…”

  • Write down everything that will make me happy (once and for all) 🙂
  • Compare my happy-list to what’s happening when I’m really happy
  • Realize that I am constantly fooling myself

Teach my folly.

 

Lessons From My Divorce

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2015-03-31 10.04.40The speed that people bring hate to a divorcing couple is surprising. It comes quickly and unexpectedly.

Having been through a divorce, I want you to know that the hate isn’t useful.

Getting divorced sucks, for everyone.

It’s worth remembering that nobody is enjoying the process, not even your soon-to-be-ex-spouse.

Your wise friends, knowing that nobody is having fun, will help you remove hate from the situation.

They will do this by listening, without knowing the answer.

They will encourage you to settle your differences with compassion for each other, and the rest of the community.

As for the hate…

When I find myself hating, it is a sign that my own actions are inconsistent my values. Hate is a sign that I need to make a change within my own life.

As for the divorcee…

It’s going to take years for the dust to settle.

After 1,000 days or so, you’ll be able to start the process of understanding the small ways that you might have contributed just-a-little-bit to the divorce.

Once you can see an area for improvement, start there.

Gradual self-improvement will lead you to a wonderful life.

Mommy Fatigue

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As a triathlon coach, I warned my athletes about the risks of dumb-ass fatigue. I would encourage them to get tired the right way and eliminate habits of pointless fatigue.

Recently, I was at my son’s school for community night. Given that it would be rude to say “dumb-ass” in a room filled with preschool parents, I needed to tailor my language for the audience.

The fatigue in mothers appears deeper than what I experience as a father.

Mommy fatigue reminds me of man flu, which is something that must be experienced to be believed.

I believe you and I wanted to help the community.

So I asked a question…

Do I perform better when I am exhausted?

I shared my experience…

The most fatiguing period of my adult life was spending 1,000 days constantly carrying around the problems of fatherhood. I thought about my problems 24/7 and it was exhausting.

I offered an antidote…

It was impossible for me to transcend my thought habits.

It has proven to be far easier to replace my habits with something useful.

When you find yourself fixated on your problems, pull out your Facebook feed and meditate on pictures that make you feel happy.

Close your eyes and breathe in that happiness.

When your problems reappear, close your eyes for a moment and breathe some happiness into them.

I shared my fatherhood goals…

I realized that aiming for perfection was making me miserable.

My kids don’t need perfection from me.

How should I define achievable success?

Don’t retaliate.

Stick with it.

Aim low, keep improving and we will end up better than we ever expected.

Educating A Beautiful Girl

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Lexi in MoabAn enduring benefit from working across cultures, races, sexual orientation, body mass indices and beauty is an increased capacity to see myself in other people.

If you look closely then you’ll see that power-seekers have a tendency to focus on the wickedness of “them.” It’s an effective argument employed by the media, politicians and our leaders.

Pointing out “their wickedness” is so common that I search for teachers that are careful to avoid an appeal to wickedness.

A story…

My daughter and I were heading into the supermarket in Moab. People in the desert look different than people in Boulder.

Dad, dad… that homeless guy is stealing all the food.

Sweetie, look carefully, he’s taking his groceries to his car.

With her filters off, my daughter reminded me that I have some work to do.

Another example…

The wealth effect of excessive living is obvious. However, if you look deeply then you’ll discover another, far more subtle, effect. You’ll be able to feel a separation between yourself and other people.

As you separate yourself, you will be prone to seeing “their wickedness.”

The physical separation is in plain sight – education policy, gated communities, exclusive clubs, athletic ability…

In Boulder, we don’t need gates, the price of real estate makes an effective barrier to entry, especially when combined with private school fees (so our children are protected from their children).

If you sit quietly then you will feel a deeper separation. It makes us miserable and allows us to be manipulated.

An antidote…

  • Humility in my own needs
  • Spending time outside my “tribe”
  • Looking inwards at my tendency to hold myself separate

Later in the trip I asked my daughter…

Who gets hurt when you’re scared or angry?

PJs

Handling Criticism with Grace

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2015-03-14 11.37.55

I was dropping my kids at school and overheard a conversation between a parent and teacher.

The parent was running through a shopping list of needs for her little one and explaining how the teachers had been falling short.

As I listened to the parent, I could feel myself digging in on behalf of the school and the teachers.

…don’t you know how long we’ve been doing this

…do you really thing you know better

…does any of this truly matter

Instead, the teacher listened carefully and let the parent talk herself out completely.

She replied,

Those are good ideas and I want to thank you for your patience with us.

Absolute brilliance!

The reply took the energy out of the situation and the parent was grateful that she was heard.

I took the “thank you for your patience” and have been working with it.

I use it with myself – stay calm be patient.

I use it with my family – I am working to improve, thank you for your patience

And, I use it when people offer correction – those are good ideas and I want to thank you for your patience.

 

What I Wish I Knew Four Years Ago About Fatherhood

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Lexi_2011I’m told that 2010-2013 were often awful. I wouldn’t know for sure because I have ZERO memory. It’s amazing. Aside from the photos, the early years of my kids are gone.

My wife carries emotional trauma from these years and will flashback when something triggers her. She tells me it’s a really unpleasant sensation.

The memory I have is wondering why I couldn’t transcend my daughter. I used to carry around the difficulties of parenthood. Even when I was away from her, I would hold the difficulties in my mind.

My wife’s the same way – both with her 2010-2013 experience of our daughter as well as with her own childhood memories.

I suspect we’re all prone to carrying around the past.

This might help.

The first step in letting go of an image isn’t letting go, snapping out of it, or moving on…

…my mind doesn’t work that way.

Lexi_CuteWhether you’re coping with an unpleasant emotion, an addiction or a compulsion…

…far better to give your mind something to grab on to.

Lexi_surfDecide on a series of images that you can feel in your body. The feeling you’re looking for is one that mimics joy and love – in my case the sensation in an opening of my heart.

Lexi_FlowerI walk in the forest and contemplate my favorite images.

When I started, I struggled to generate the feelings with the images of my daughter. I kept coming back to the pain image at the top of the page.

Ax_HippoSo I would start with images of my son and transfer the feelings over to my daughter.

It didn’t work well at first but I stuck with it.

I also spent a lot of time with the source of my discomfort.

Lexi_boom

…and my daughter grew up

…and I got better at it

Lexi_science

…and I realized that what I was doing was training my mind to be able to conjure up a sensation, a feeling, an emotion

…that was different to my prior habits of anger and frustration

Ax_scary

The difficult moments remained challenging but I was no longer carrying them around with me.

It was a form of freedom.

I found myself laughing more often and I had a bit more patience, which can be VERY useful when dealing with a cranky three-year old!

Anyhow, if you find seeking dominance to be an ineffective strategy then I hope you remember this post.

Replace your suffering by thinking about things that make you smile.

Bonus points for making the effort while walking in nature!

Lexi_Elsa

Thriving In An Imperfect World

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pants

At the start of the month, my wife received some “bad” news. She was reminded that one of our pals was probably cheating. It’s wasn’t a big cheat. Well below a felony. But it created some cognitive dissonance for her.

She sighed… “but I thought he was one of the GOOD guys.”

It’s a thought that I often have myself…

…especially in February, when frauds and felons can become the focus of my endorphin starved brain!

I’ve been coping much better this winter and want to share some quick tips that might help you thrive in an imperfect world.

Parenthood has shown me the value of loving an imperfect person

You might think that I’m talking about my love for my kids.

Nope.

It’s is my kids’ constant forgiveness of my own shortcomings that is most valuable. Their forgiveness helps me become a better person.

So, I remind myself that it’s OK to love an imperfect person.

That said, past choices are a powerful predictor of future outcomes. Put differently, people that consistently make poor choices are more likely to have bad outcomes.

So, it’s OK to file away that I don’t want a close relationship with someone that doesn’t share my values. I will even go so far as to write it down in my diary. I’m a sucker for charismatic charlatans!

The other observation I shared with my wife is that she is a good person. It is transformative to believe in the goodness of the people around you.

What’s the inner emotional trigger when we find out someone has been naughty?

That the world might find out about all of my own shortcomings!

So the best antidote might be to own my disappointments and fix them in myself.

Finally, even with all the shortcomings, it’s great to be alive.

Navigating the Jockstrap Dilemma

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khumbu_yakA buddy has a magic jockstrap that he likes to wear ALL the time.

He claims it helps his performance and recovery.

Normally, his jockstrap would not be an issue for me. However, I’m one of his advisers and he asked me what I thought.

What to do?

We often find ourselves faced with a friend, client or family member that has beliefs we find ridiculous.

Here is what I do.

Pause

I know my first response with jockstraps is likely to offend my friend or, at least, create cognitive dissonance. So it’s better to wait and consider things carefully.

Give me a bit of time, I’ll need to do a bit of research on that… 

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Context

Is the jockstrap on the critical path? Is it the difference between success and failure?

Magical clothing, and other superstitions, are rarely the difference between success and failure.

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Action

What is the jockstrap’s impact on behavior?

My pal is motivated, thinks he’s performing better and not focused on something that might screw up his performance.

There can be adverse consequences from the effective treatment of superstitions!

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Can I Prove The Opposite?

I happen to think that jockstraps don’t impact performance.

Can I prove my point of view? Am I sure?

The placebo effect is real, and proven.

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One Thing

What’s the one thing, if addressed, will have a material positive impact on performance?

Focus on the “one thing” together.

Don’t spend time tweaking items that have no impact.

Use influence sparingly, then strongly.

The greatest influence on the world is via my own behavior.

My buddy can easily see that I don’t wear a jockstrap.

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Most importantly, after I didn’t call him out, I went for a walk and asked myself…

What’s MY jockstrap!!!

😉