Tag Archives: parenting

Helping Kids Under Stress

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While a certain amount of tears are inevitable, half of my kids’ meltdowns can be diffused by a simple technique.

  • Ground Yourself – two deep breaths for me
  • Slow It Down – give both of us a chance to chill
  • Mirror It Back – being understood is a basic human need

You’ll be amazed at the healing effect this has on the kids (and adults) around you. I’ve tried to make this my default response pattern and it works great.

The opposite method (quick automatic reactions) escalates most situations.

Let your kid be the hero – give her a chance to show you that she can handle whatever she faces.

Here’s a simple script…

  • Daughter takes a spill and is on the edge of a meltdown.
  • Dad: Wow! You just hit your knee
  • Daughter: Sniffle, sniffle
  • Dad: That must have really hurt when you hit your knee. You need ice?
  • Daughter: It’s OK Dad, I’m alright
  • Dad: You are a strong girl, Lexi.

I’m amazed by the number of times that my kids comfort me when I acknowledge what they are feeling.

Five Years A Father

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Denver Zoo Spring Break 2014Five and a half years into parenthood, what stands out.

First, you don’t need to make the kids a priority. Babies, toddlers and preschoolers are extremely effective at expressing their needs!

Second, I’d strongly recommend being a binary parent with your core values. If you’re not into physical and verbal abuse – give yourself a blanket no hit and no yell policy. This saves you having to decide if a situation merits abusing your kids or spouse.

It’s surprisingly easy to fall into abusive habits. I’m a lot more aggressive than I realized pre-kids. Part of why I volunteer is to atone for the remorse I feel with regard to my thoughts about my children!

Don’t worry about the difficulties. Everyone deals with the same stuff and our minds do a good job of forgetting about misery. Two practical tips here…

Spend time listening to other parents talking about their situation. It will always make you feel better.

When fellow parents ask how you are doing, answer them “I’m OK now” or “I’m good now” or, perhaps, “I’m great now.”

The second tip is an effective tactic to avoid carrying the past into the future. Only a small minority of moments will be truly miserable. These moments can be high energy and, therefore, easily remembered. I can be bring myself to tears if I focus on my strongest memories of despair. Not a good habit. On the flip side, when things get so bad they become funny, those are the memories that make a marriage.

A Flower For DaddyOne of the most surprising things has been the moments of pure bliss. Sometimes I get so happy that my body tingles. Transcendental experiences.

Christmas 2013Take a lot of pictures. Print out the pictures that trigger joy in you – I can feel my heart as I look at the photos that I share this week.

It’s not possible to have too many positive triggers. There are days, and nights, when you’ll need them!

Screen saverBased on our home life, there are three things that you, and your spouse will be tempted to let slide: sleep, marriage and health.

Further, you’re likely to get so washed out, that you’ll be grateful if your spouse drops sleep or health to make your life easier.

Carving out time to maintain your marriage is inconvenient. However, it’s essential to avoid finding yourself lost. Your kids are going to keep on rolling either way.

Laugh as a family.

More on Bike Trailers

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independence_with_lex

Had some follow up questions on my Endurance Corner Article – Active Parents.

What’s the best trailer?

I use a double trailer as it lets me cram two preschoolers inside for a trip to school.

Double Trailer

When I’m going on a longer ride, I take one kid at a time and can fit in everything I need to keep her comfortable.

Independence

 

On my longest trailer ride (5 hrs total time), we climbed to 12,000 ft and she had lunch, blanket, iPad, pillow and headphones in with her. In the end, she ate a snack, played a little music on speaker and enjoyed the view.

Any tips to get started?

  • Keep it short – I started with 20 minutes and have found that under an hour is best
  • Keep it fun
  • Always be willing to stop – they settle eventually
  • Remember your passengers are in the shade and not riding – lots of clothing and blankets
  • If you are a keen cyclist then the high-end trailers are well worth the money

What bike is best?

I use a full suspension 29er mountain bike.

I have a triple front chain ring and a ton of gears.

Without the trailer, I can get up most everything in Colorado with my middle chain ring. So the smallest ring is for climbing steep stuff with the trailer and when I’m above tree line.

Don’t use a high-end road bike with thin walled tubes – there is additional torque that runs through the system that can ruin your frame.

If you’re doing a long mountain descent then the disc brakes are essential to control speed and avoid overheating the braking system.

I’m mainly on pavement but we will do some hard packed dirt occasionally.

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Overall, the trailer is an excellent workout. I can blast myself with a 30-45 minute climb and be home in under an hour.

 

Your Son Thinks You’re Superman

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Some observations I picked up from watching five male generations interact within my own family.

You Are Superman – all reality is relative and, at least in a preschooler’s world, adults are endowed with super powers. We make food appear, we are HUGE, we can lift heavy objects with ease and we hold sway over every aspect of our young children’s lives.

When I admit that my son thinks that I’m Superman, certain positive outcomes flow.

  • I’m more patient with him
  • I can see how shattering it is when I don’t have time for him
  • I treat him better

In making a habit of treating one person better (because, well, I’m Superman), I create a habit that helps me treat everyone better.

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What happens when we look up the family tree?

Part of becoming an adult is creating an identity separate from our parents. The teenage years are all about the push-pull of this transformation. If you’re struggling with your teenagers then I’d encourage you to remember that somewhere in their psyche, you are still Superman!

The bizarre anger and rejection that we see in our families. The behavior makes more sense if you remember that your kids are trying to cope with the impossible task of defining themselves separate from the most powerful people they have ever known (their parents).

Some of us never let go of this habit of pushing away.

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Just like the Easter Bunny and Santa, at some stage, my kids are going to figure out that I’m not Superman.

But somewhere in their psyche, there will always be a seed that says otherwise.

Parenting with Objects and Belonging

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More tips from Dad School.

Being social creatures, we share a deep need to belong.

Early in our development, the need to belong manifests through objects. If you’ve ever taken a two-year old’s favorite toy then you’ve seen this need in action.

Toddlers can get locked between tasks when they don’t belong to anything. This is when many meltdowns occur. Quite often, during a transition or when they are feeling nervous, my kids will reach for an object. My son (2.75) loves to pick up a rock when he’s transitioning. I have a pile of rocks and sticks at my front door.

It’s important for me to remember his need for an object. I can push him over the edge if I try to get him to walk without any object.

With our oldest, her need for objects was so strong that she was constantly picking up cigarette butts and bird poop covered leaves! It would have been helpful to have my current experience back then. It was a hopeless task to try to get her to walk empty handed. Wasted over a year on that effort.

Anyhow, the object focus can’t be removed without freaking the kid out. So I’ve grown to accept it and look for props – blades of grass, sticks, small box at the grocery store, tissue, penny. It’s not about the specific thing, it’s simply about having something.

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As my kids grow up, the belong shifts towards doing. An engaged mind is a calm mind.

It’s tempting for me to calm my daughter (5.5) by using the iPad, with headphones, to zombie her out. However, far more effective is getting her engaged in a story, especially real-life stories about me, or working on a coloring project.

Tip for the coloring project. Have her pick out the picture (kids coloring pages on Google Images). Set her up with a work station near you (kitchen, office, living room) and start her out on the project.

My oldest generates 150+ pieces of art/coloring a month and she’s slowly teaching herself how to write/spell. It’s a win-win but takes a little more energy than defaulting to electronics.

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By the way, getting the kids engaged in their own project is a much better option than continual banishment via time outs. Time outs were our previous strategy but they were becoming ineffective with our oldest, and most spirited.

We were getting into power struggles and it was making everyone stressed out. A far more effective approach was to address the underlying lack of engagement/belonging and setting her up with her own project.

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Final Tip for a multi-kid household – if we want our kids to use words, rather than physical actions, then we need to back them up when they use their words with their siblings.

I also need to use my own words carefully and follow through, even when inconvenient.

 

The Cool Kids

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Every so often I find myself captivated by someone that entertains me by being a complete dick to strangers.

Careers and fame are built around this quirk in human psychology.

Look to the opposite side of a polarizing issue and you’ll find yourself attracted to someone that uses “justified hate” to bring down one of your opponents.

I might even find myself wanting to appeal to the bullies for approval – to fulfill my own need for acceptance.

Bullies love to build teams around themselves – you don’t want yourself, or your kids, on those teams.

I’m grateful that I can see it…

…and not act on it.

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Protect yourself, and your kids, from people that don’t like themselves enough to be kind to strangers.

Be particularly wary of bullies in positions of power – when I think about the most dangerous priests, teachers and coaches that I’ve known – the bullying was a red flag visible to all.

The secret lives behind the self-loathing, reflected in wanting to bring down strangers, were tougher to see.

We have a choice with who we follow, what we read and what we share.

 

Preschooler ABCs

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I wanted to pass along two tips that I learned from attending “Dad School” in January and February.

Always Build Competence – it’s tempting to “save time” by doing things for a little person. There’s no greater time saver than up-skilling our kids.

The first ABC leads right into the second…

Always Build Confidence – little people have ZERO ability to differentiate between their actions and themselves. Poor performance, failure, losing… these are devastating to a little kid. Living in a highly competitive, athletic town, it is important for me to remember to protect my kids from environments that they can’t handle.

If my goal is to build confidence, through competence, then it’s all about trying. Backwards letters, messed up spelling, “breaking” the rules at simple games – I need to remind myself that the main goal is to support persistence and joy from effort.

I’ll end with some ancient wisdom…

Never discourage anyone who continually makes progress, no matter how slow.

The Dad Abides

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Best advice from the smart women (and one man) that have been helping me navigate fatherhood.

Roll With It – my 30 years of writing are a shrine to over thinking.

Don’t Postpone Joy – it’s OK to have fun, love each other and enjoy time together – this balances the inevitable periods of difficulty as we learn to live together.

Success Is Love – I have friends that have become successful adults despite growing up in crazy home environments. Across the insanity of their home lives was a deep understanding that they were loved.

Don’t Act on Anger – it’s easy to get caught in a cycle of being angry at my anger. It’s a lot more useful to make a habit of not acting on negative emotions. Deciding that I don’t yell, don’t hit, don’t respond… creates a habit that gets ingrained over time. 

Balance life with mindfulness – the crazier my home life becomes, the more valuable my mindfulness practices become. I need to take responsibility for creating space in my schedule, serenity in my mind and removing unnecessary sources of noise. This keeps me off autopilot, when I am at risk of acting on anger or creating a habit of self-pity and misery.

See Me Beautiful – there are times when it’s easier for me to see the beauty in kittens, puppies and nature than my kids. I was given a copy of this slogan and stuck it beside two favorite pictures of my kids. I see the slogan many times a day. When I see the beauty in my kids (and my wife) the love flows naturally, without effort.

Share Adventure with the one’s you love. Create memories of sharing joy.

Values Game

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I came across a free eBook from Tony Robbins. In the book, Tony asks the reader to rank pleasure values. His suggested list: love, success, freedom, intimacy, security, adventure, power, passion, comfort, health.

I took the bait and ranked things:

  • Freedom
  • Success
  • Adventure
  • Health
  • Love
  • Power
  • Passion
  • Security
  • Intimacy
  • Comfort

Tony then shared that we will do a lot more to avoid pain than to attract pleasure. So he asked the reader to rank aversions to: rejection, anger, frustration, loneliness, depression, failure, humiliation, and guilt.

Once again I mapped it out:

  • Failure
  • Anger
  • Frustration
  • Depression
  • Rejection
  • Humiliation
  • Guilt
  • Loneliness

In the book, he gave examples on how values conflicts can set up misery. For example, do we know our spouse’s rankings? Do our (more powerful) aversions operate to sabotage our desires. For example, see Success vs Failure in my lists.

Having done the work to rank my pleasure/pain values, Tony recommended writing down the rules associated with our top drivers. I didn’t think too hard and wrote quickly…

  • Freedom – when I control my day and have space in my schedule
  • Success – I am already successful
  • Adventure – when I have new experiences
  • Health – vanity, use my body for adventure
  • Failure – when my kids don’t behave or yell at me
  • Anger – when my kids don’t behave or yell at me
  • Frustration – when my kids don’t behave or yell at me
  • Depression – when my kids don’t behave or yell at me

Pretty clear how my rules are creating periods of parental misery! As well, my rules are completely impractical for living with young kids.

When my oldest was young, she could quickly bring me to tears by crying. I got past that pain by borrowing my mother-in-law’s rule that “babies need to cry.”

I also created my own rule, “when they’re crying, they are alive.” My rule addressing my fear that my kids might die (!) if I didn’t cater to their every whim.

Some mantras:

  • I am free when I breathe through the energy of strong emotions
  • I am successful when I let my actions be the lesson
  • The randomness of life is an adventure in itself
  • Let go of outcome, be the brand

All of the above are lessons that I taught myself in athletics and need to relearn inside my house!

I had a wry smile when I realized that I was closed to Tony’s teaching because of his happiness!