Category Archives: Uncategorized

Personal Update

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I had a question about how my Dollar Game finished up. The game is a simple one – give $1 to 100 different people. The game took me over 100 days to complete, which surprised me.

Coming out of the game, I’ve found myself more willing to get involved with helping people locally – the situations that stand out are non-financial. Not sure if that was the game or simply a spin off from serving my kids all the time.

The only dollar that left me feeling bad was one I gave to an alcoholic. That dollar left me feeling like I was supporting his drinking.

I’ve read that it’s better to separate the giving from the person – to see that I’m giving for myself, rather than to promote anything in the other person. However, I’m not there yet.

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I had a question about my application to return to school. I was accepted to my degree program and deferred for a year to work on my relationship with my daughter and get my family’s finances in order.

Improving my parenting experience and family financial position would be transformative. To give myself the best shot at change, I’ve greatly simplified my life and am applying my friends’ best advice. Specifically, I’ve:

  • removed most travel
  • ditched my high-volume training days
  • cleared the decks of any racing
  • cut my writing, coaching and consulting commitments to ten hours per week

This leaves me spending more time with my kids, in ways that don’t cost much money. We swim, bike, hike and stay local. It has the benefits of a sabbatical (free time) without the hassle of changing my kids’ routine.

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Athletically, I returned to masters swimming (my wife’s the coach) and our kids love the childcare at the pool. I’ve been in the water 26 of the last 28 days. While it kicks my butt a couple times a week, swimming seems to fit my family and marriage. Not a whole lot of cycling or running getting done – which is just as well as all my favorite mountain routes remain damaged from the Boulder Flood.

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My hospice training starts tomorrow – when I looked at my family web, I realized that “community” was a weak link in my life. The hospice work fits with a personal goal of self-improvement, in a way that’s useful to my family.

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Surprisingly, owning my anger was near immediately transformative – I told a room full of preschool parents how angry I get with my daughter and that seemed to clear the air for myself. Got some good parenting ideas as well.

Boulder Flood Lessons

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Having lived in Vancouver, London, Edinburgh and New Zealand, it is ironic that I haven’t had to face water damage until I moved to Colorado!

I’ve had six incidents in Boulder – four last week.

Here’s what I learned.

Whether you are a renter, owner or landlord… spending a few hundred bucks, now, will save you thousands of dollars later.

Go buy your flood prevention kit.

Many locals didn’t stand a chance – older houses in a flood zones were completely submerged, or washed away. However, some people made great decisions and saved themselves from significant property damage.

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Sand bags and cinder blocks are cheap. If you have an inward sloping driveway then get yourself a dozen of each and lay them out when you hear the flash flood warning. This is at least a 100:1 return on investment.

Your next line of defense is a 1/3rd horsepower submersible pump, portable generator and 100 ft of 1.5 inch flexible pipe. If you don’t need to save your own stuff then it will make you a neighborhood hero. A few hundred of these in Boulder (ten days ago) would have saved us millions.

If you don’t have a submersible pump then you can take the pump from an evaporative cooler, attach it to a garden hose and place it on top of a dinner plate. It won’t save you from a large flood but it might buy you enough time to sand bag your hot water tank and furnace.

I rent to a bunch of college kids that saved my HVAC equipment with dirt-filled grocery bags and a shop vac. They will be getting a large credit on their October rent!

Even if you think “it’s only rain water,” remember that flood water is poopy water! You can visit YouTube to see college kids enjoying their four-day weekend by tubing in sewage.

Hip waders, rubber gloves and a respirator might seem like overkill but will keep you safe. Last Friday night I was up to my knees in who-knows-what wearing flip flops and board shorts. Following my exposure, I had a rash and lot of little cuts that took a long time to heal. That night, I was so tired that I slept in my clothes. In the morning, my wife was thrilled. At least I washed my hands.

If your carpet/wall gets soaked then bite the bullet and rip it out. Replacing carpet and drywall is cheap relative to the nightmare of mold mitigation. Wet carpet is heavy – use a serrated knife to cut it into pieces that are easy to carry out.

Eventually, I got myself work boots, full body coverage and a disposable N100 mask (N95 doesn’t protect you from airborne nasties).

The next step was fans and dehumidifiers running continuously. A step ladder and a garden hose will let gravity drain your dehumidifier into a sump, or bathroom.

Once everything was dry, I shop vac’d (used an internal bag) and did two treatments of bleach (1 part) mixed with water (2 parts). I sprayed the bleach treatment with a portable garden sprayer. I should have had a respirator as my N100 mask let vapors through. Bleach spray doesn’t go well with eyes so wear protection and turn the fans off when you lay down the treatment. After spraying, turn the fans on and get the heck out of there.

$500 will get you all of the above – that’s half of my insurance deductible (per incident).

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What else did I learn?

If you live at the bottom of a 10-mile wide, 7,000-foot high funnel then stuff will happen.

Every single mountain road that I ride (and love) has been damaged. The pictures from the canyons show the devastating power of fast water.

12 inches of water can kill you. The saddest story was the death of a two teenagers that stepped out of their car and were immediately swept away. The couple died near a favorite running spot in North Boulder. If you can’t see the lines on the road then turn around.

Good government and strict urban planning make a difference. Given the amount of water that came out of the Rockies, Boulder came out well. The city, county and state governments did an outstanding job of co-ordinating our first responders. The planners should be proud of how well decades of work held up.

A reminder to myself as a property investor – flood zones are easily avoided. While it’s wonderful to live beside water, a better decision might be to overlook.

I received questions about my personal situation – we were very lucky. Our house is protected by a knoll that diverted the runoff. There was extensive damage one block in every direction from us.

Take action early.

Early mitigation is cheap.

Coping With Anger

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A recent conversation about parenting:

Husband: I’m not used to being filled with hate and anger

Wife: Any other father would be yelling and hitting by now

Husband: The Dalai Lama wouldn’t be hitting

Wife: Any normal father

Husband: I’m not trying to be normal, I’m trying to be exceptional

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Recently, I’ve been finding myself being “really mad” at one of my kids. Worse, I have been carrying my anger around and wrapping it in self-pity. This is a crappy habit to create!

To turn things around, I tried a 14-day cleanse…

Monica laughed as my cleanse was light weight in a Boulder sense… huge salad for dinner and no booze. I didn’t notice any difference physically but the anger has started lifting.

Here’s what I’ve been doing to cope.

Own It – when I’m angry, I notice the anger. I try to create some space by breathing and noticing “wow, I’m angry.” When I can pull this off, I don’t act on my anger.

Not acting on anger is a win, even when angry.

Identity – I remind myself that I’m not always the role that is making me angry:

  • Employee of difficult boss
  • Parent of difficult kid
  • Customer of difficult company

I discovered my painful identity when I was hiking (alone) feeling sorry for myself. I reframed my self pity into “a guy who can go for a hike.”

This helped until I became “guy who’s calf blew out on a hike!” At least my calf trouble got me swimming again and I noticed that problems in my body don’t make me angry.

Communicate – My anger doesn’t like anyone to know about it. So I have been introducing my anger to my wife, my friends and, now, you. Getting the emotion in the open creates space. Space is good.

Share Goodness – when I’m happy or enjoying myself… I send a little bit of that happiness to the object of my anger.

Breathing in – this is a good moment

Breathing out – I send her some goodness

The Rational Mind – I think of myself as being calm and rational. It’s everyone else that runs on autopilot.

Persistent irrational emotions point out that I’m merely OK in “my world” but have trouble with “the World.”

I want to apply evil intent on my kids but, looking deeply, the only possible intent is love and inclusion. Until I can experience that reality:

  • Keep breathing
  • Keep trying
  • Let go of the emotional warfare

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Today’s my youngest’s birthday. She’s one. It took me five years to become comfortable with babies and now they are gone!

Hopefully, I can up-skill with preschoolers before 2018.

Creating Personal Prosperity

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I’ve been watching my happily self-directed pals.

I’ve noticed common elements that bring them satisfaction.

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Convenience – my self-directed pals create this via simplicity, routine and living in a beautiful location. I need to watch myself because I tend towards complexity, travel for its own sake and constant variation in routine. All of these add stress and increase the probability for hassles to pop up.

Mantra: everything I need is at home

Remember: explore locally, travel less, create space in my schedule

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Control – Related to convenience, in my first career, I tried to outsource as much as possible. This “worked” but if carried it to its logical conclusion then there’s nothing left to do other than “be happy,” “be rich,” or “be fast.” The “being” that we long for is usually a reflection of our values.

I’ve been lucky to realize that achieving my goal of “being” didn’t bring much satisfaction.

It was a mistake for me to believe that happiness lay in getting rid of everything (jobs, responsibilities, obligations) that wasn’t “fun.” I’m more satisfied with the un-fun items in my life.

Remember: satisfaction comes from the opportunity to do my best work while serving others

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Quality – It is interesting to watch families that have no limits on their spending. The families that get it “right” don’t focus on prestige. Instead, they focus on achieving value with a solution that is fit for purpose.

Consider: before spending money I ask, will this make a difference? Before spending time I ask, is this my situation to fix?

Mantra: if in doubt then wait

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Under the radar – I have a craving for recognition that’s subdued in my wise buddies. Perhaps they have learned the danger of being skewed by unearned admiration?

Mantra: work to be worthy of respect

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One final thing that I’ve noticed that correlates to happiness, independent of income: near daily outside activity in beautiful surroundings.

Mantra: live the life I want for my children

Remember: base my family in a location where we don’t need to leave

 

Overcoming Difficulties

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Earlier this summer, we were having a lot of discomfort with our oldest. Things built up to where she’d start most days by raging at us.

One morning, after a particularly venomous outburst, my wife banned electronics for the day. Escalating, I extended the ban for a month.

Not wanting to backdown, I was stuck with having to come up with something to replace all the iPad time we had built into her day. As well, I had to acknowledge my personal laziness with using electronics to replace engagement. Time Magazine calls us hypocrites but the reality, in my life, is laziness.

With increased 1-on-1 engagement, improvement came quickly and the level of rage dropped within ten days.  Difficulties pop up, but they are age appropriate and mostly diffused with a hug and time spent together. I’m grateful to have the time to spend with the kids.

Some additional tactics that have worked:

  • With three kids, it important to remember that the oldest remains a kid (she’s 4.75).
  • Offer a change of activity before removing from the situation
  • Give more of my time to get better behavior. The fundamental conflict is over time and attention.
  • Let them know when it is their time. Take pictures of it. Post pictures where everyone can see as well as beside their beds.

Become aware of my desires for revenge – break the cycle of revenge by training myself to avoid all forms:

  • Not to pass along gossip
  • Not to correct
  • To agree as much as possible

The above are simple, yet surprisingly difficult to execute. They are near impossible on the Internet and ignored by the media. Would anyone even watch a show that was void of gossip, conflict or correction?

Because it is difficult to see my role in creating my life, I pay attention to how my peers talk about others.

Do you aspire to revenge via negative humor at the expense of others?

Ten Hour Transformations

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A practical example of why the only way to change everything is to focus on changing one thing.

Thinking through my relationship with my daughter, I came up with the following for a minimum commitment to see results…

Ten hours per week:

  • An hour per day as 30 minutes AM/PM;
  • Twice a week do a trip together for 90-minutes (go swimming, ride bikes, trailer ride or park visit)

This structure has me focus on making the small interactions (first each morning, last each night) quality.

With my kids, where I fall short is working on the quality of the little things. I didn’t notice this until last month when we suspended TV, iPad, electronics. To stick to my guns with the electronics ban, I had to interact with my daughter and she had to learn other ways to fill her time (drawing, stacking blocks and playing house).

I learned a lot from the process. Our daughter’s behavior improved and I was forced to face my laziness with engaging with her.

Just like bedtime routines, maybe acting out was driven by a need to get my attention.

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Another area for applying ten-hour commitment might be improving health. You might apply as:

  • An hour per day as 40 minutes walking/cycling in the AM and 20 minutes eating a mixing bowl of salad in the PM;
  • Twice a week – stock the house with healthy options – an hour each time
  • Twice a week – strength training – 20-30 minutes each time

That’s going to capture nearly all of the health benefit from my current lifestyle. I like to exercise more than an hour per day but that’s for mental wellbeing, rather than physical health.

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The above makes it clear, at least to me, why I can only work on one thing at a time.

  • Wife
  • Three kids
  • Amateur sport
  • Job
  • Reading
  • Writing
  • Yoga
  • Spiritual Development

If I seek to change everything (~100 hours per week) then I’ll become overwhelmed and lose the consistency required to achieve anything!

Choose Wisely.

Changing Everything

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A favorite question:

What one thing, if it happened, would change everything?

It can be uncomfortable to acknowledge that our current life experience is a result of the (mostly mental) habits that we’ve created to date.

When I ask myself the above question, I compare my answer to where I spent my time over the last week. I often find myself lacking focus.

Creation of Habits + Time = Life Situation

With the above equation, I consider my habits of thought, action and speech. Listen quietly to any person and they will tell you what they think of themselves (by the humor they share about others).

Because we are mostly operating on autopilot, Free Will is found at the margin of our lives. So, to change EVERYTHING, we need to figure out our ONE THING and focus our Free Will.

Some things:

  • Getting fit
  • Family income and expense balance
  • Gaining control of my schedule
  • Losing weight
  • Being able to ride outside in good weather
  • Being able to eat and drink as much as I want
  • Finding love
  • Publishing a book
  • Winning a special race
  • Finding a sexual partner

I’ve had many “one things.”

So many that I joke with my wife, “Honey, I think I’ve finally found THE answer.”

I joke but there have been several things that have proved transformative:

  • A kind spouse that motivates self-improvement
  • Capital to support freedom of occupation and location
  • Weight loss and exercise leading to wellness
  • Shedding disharmony – in my own mind and in my choice of peers
  • A willingness to own, and share, my errors
  • Living in a beautiful place where I enjoy an outdoor life

Right now, I have two things:

  • Reducing the fatigue that I experience from parenting
  • Achieving income/expense balance

What’s your thing?

Awareness is the first step towards transformation.

Sustainable action consists of building the habit of one small action, done first each day.

An Exercise in Generosity

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My wife and I have a game going where we are racing to give away $100. The trick is we need to give $1 at a time to 100 different people. We’ve found it far tougher than we expected.

We’ve learned a lot about our attitudes towards generosity. Here’s what we’ve noticed with our internal chatter:

It’s not enough – we hold ourselves back because we are worried that we can’t give enough. This fear permeates all aspects of my life – particularly within family relationships.

What if they get mad at me – because “it’s not enough” there is a fear that there could be recriminations. My antidote is to remind myself that I’m giving what I can and something is much better than nothing. That said, my irrational mind is still afraid and it easier to avoid involvement than risk by helping a little.

To counteract the above, I use my (wildly outgoing) four-year-old daughter to insulate me! She doesn’t have my fears, or chatter, and loves interacting with people. She’s been a positive influence and looks for situations where “we” can give money.

My wife’s been experiencing the same dialogue in her head. Her antidotes have included explaining the exercise and apologizing for not giving enough.

When I reflect on my reasons for closing off – not enough to give, person doesn’t deserve help, fear of rebuke… they don’t hold up to scrutiny.

Without a doubt, my community would be better from lots of consistent little gifts. Going further, I’d certainly feel better.

Based on the gifting rate of our Dollar Game, which is embarrassingly slow, it would take us close to two decades to get through our annual gifting target…

…either we need to increase the bill denomination or change our attitude.

Once I relax and give to everyone, I find myself more open. I don’t need to choose, judge and rationalize.

To give an extra dollar in every interaction I have in a year would cost me less 1% of my net income.

If you see me then hit-me-up!

I have a stack of ones that I need to share.

Only One Childhood

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If I knew the changes that would be required before I had kids then I would have probably not had kids. The irony is that would have been a mistake because I didn’t know the scale of the changes that were coming, regardless.

In my life there wasn’t any real impact until my oldest was two-years old then I was faced with a decision:

  • Let my wife’s mental health suffer and risk the health of my marriage
  • Get involved

My choice, somewhat reluctantly at the time, was to get involved. At first I didn’t notice much change but it became clear that to be at my best as a parent, I had to avoid being tired. Here’s the dilemma of the parent-athlete:

  • Parenting is misery when exhausted
  • Fatigue is an essential component in the journey towards improved athletic performance

So, you’re likely to find yourself at a crossroads for a period of time. I suspect that time will last until our youngest is about five years old. Within my own family, I’m guessing that 2010 to 2017 is going to see a reduced focus on athletic performance. I have many ideas about being an athletic parent that I’ll share in an upcoming article.

At the end of my family’s preschooler phase, I’ll be faced with another choice, ramp my training back up (perhaps Monday to Friday during school hours) or put that time into an area that benefits my family directly.

When my youngest starts her formal schooling (2017) will be the same time that my oldest has the intellectual capacity to begin to absorb the lessons that I’ve picked up outside of school. My teaching style is instruction via “hanging out.”

I suspect that my children gain more from having a healthy and engaged father than a parent who chooses winning over spending time with them.

At the other end of a spectrum, a famous parent once shared that his #1 focus is being the fittest masters athlete in the world. I felt for the children in that family.

The rationalizations elite athlete-parents spin in their heads color their judgement in all aspects of their lives. For me, the likelihood of regret: for my marriage and for my kids; makes that path unappealing.

That said, I have a passion for sport and sustaining a personal passion makes me a better parent.

As a group, the actions of elites and elite AGers show that we value winning over all else. My kids learn far more easily, and deeply, from observing my choices, rather than listening to my words. Don’t let our twitter feeds convince you otherwise – look to our choices and our daily actions.

Our children only get one childhood – opportunities for personal glory will remain far beyond their school years.

What’s Going Well

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When things get a little tense at home, I know that I can wait a couple days and my wife/kids will forgive me. In fact, they do an excellent job of forgiving me each morning when they wake up.

For me, forgiveness is one of the best lessons from little kids.

I’ve been carrying the past into the present with my daughter. Monday’s blog is a good example.

My life experience is created by where I focus. It’s July and I continue to focus outside elite sport. Too many lies, and secret lives, for me to enjoy the present.

To balance the past at home, I went for an easy run and thought about everything that’s going right with my daughter:

She helps others experience love
She has a ton of energy
She tries new things
She makes me laugh
She can swim all four strokes
She can stay in my bike trailer for four hours
She travels well
She’s polite to all my friends and family
She’s non violent
She rides a bike
She eats healthy and almost everything
She’s healthy
She’s intelligent
She’s kind to other people
She’s outgoing

I’m at a park listening to a Dad scream at his little girl and swear at his son as I write this. We’re getting a lot right at home.

So much to be grateful for.