Tag Archives: ethics

Less Little Lies

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bear2A friend asked what it has been like to step back from athletic competition. Much of what follows applied when I left jobs, peers or habits – any of which might not have fit my life anymore.

The immediate impact is usually relief and a realization of the unnecessary cost my choices where imposing. Quite often, the relief is followed by sadness at leaving old habits, even negative ones.

In terms of “what’s it like” to compete less – it’s exactly the same, just less fatigue and soreness. All my “issues” follow me wherever I go!

What is available is an opportunity to look at the impact of a competitive, or corporate, lifestyle.

I often cloak a selfish reality with talk of benefits outside myself. Shareholder value, national prestige, competing on an international stage, earning money for my children… these little lies are repeated until they become my reality.

Fooling myself isn’t necessarily a problem. I spent my teens and twenties solely focused on my personal outcome. It worked at the time.

In my 30s, I broadened my circle to help other people assist with achieving my personal outcome. It still worked for me.

That lifestyle was a form of greed – more more more.

With a spouse and kids, the lies have to increase to justify continuing the choices of my youth.

Long-term competition isn’t a problem. The problem is the thinking that results from turning away from my spouse, my kids, my family and my community.

We tell ourselves that we will change when we have X, or achieve Y, or become Z.

What I’ve done is tell myself…

I’m going to look directly at my flaws, a diseased friend, a homeless beggar, a hysterical child or a demented hospice patient.

Whatever it is that scares me. I’ll look at it.

I’m going to acknowledge that I can’t fix the situation but I’ll try to do something small to make life better.

Working towards overcoming the difficulties of my inner life is similar to the pleasure of overcoming others through competition.

The reward is just as sweet and others do not pay a price for my success.

 

Can’t Be Bought

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bearLooking forward to 50, I will find myself with 10, 7 and 6 year olds living under my roof. Those are great ages to accompany a 50-something man as he explores the world.

There remains a lot to look forward to.

The key advice that I give myself, and offer you, is to approach life with the understanding that you can’t be bought.

The reality is, often, we can be bought. If that describes your current position then keep your mind open to the possibility of increasing your price until you remove it all together. That’s what I’ve been working towards for the last 20 years, or so.

What’s your price?

I must remember the dissatisfactions have come from letting money influence my life choices. I’ve taken on assignments because I thought I should, rather than because they fit my principles. I’ve sustained a double-whammy when those assignments took me away from the people closest to me.

What are better principles to guide my thinking?

  • Lean towards marriage, family, friends, local community – let’s call these Core People
  • Share experiences with Core People
  • Pay attention to spending that has an immediate beneficial impact – my highest utility spending is childcare that enables me to share experiences or spend time alone
  • Aim to help all people – keep broadening my circle of altruism
  • Set aside time for continuous simplification – automatic bill pay, empty time in my schedule, reduced admin, streamline possessions
  • Don’t pay for luxury – adversity makes fond memories

Every day offers a chance to turn toward my principles.

Lessons From My Divorce

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2015-03-31 10.04.40The speed that people bring hate to a divorcing couple is surprising. It comes quickly and unexpectedly.

Having been through a divorce, I want you to know that the hate isn’t useful.

Getting divorced sucks, for everyone.

It’s worth remembering that nobody is enjoying the process, not even your soon-to-be-ex-spouse.

Your wise friends, knowing that nobody is having fun, will help you remove hate from the situation.

They will do this by listening, without knowing the answer.

They will encourage you to settle your differences with compassion for each other, and the rest of the community.

As for the hate…

When I find myself hating, it is a sign that my own actions are inconsistent my values. Hate is a sign that I need to make a change within my own life.

As for the divorcee…

It’s going to take years for the dust to settle.

After 1,000 days or so, you’ll be able to start the process of understanding the small ways that you might have contributed just-a-little-bit to the divorce.

Once you can see an area for improvement, start there.

Gradual self-improvement will lead you to a wonderful life.

An Unexpected Teacher – The End of The Little

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ax_fro_yoThe early years of parenting are a blur but two memories persist from the first time I was living with a three-year old.

One memory is hiring a full-time nanny and explaining her job description as “get our oldest out of the house.”

The second memory is trying to generate compassion for our daughter by thinking about how sad I would be if something happened to her.

Now that our middle kid is three, we’re in familiar territory. However, this time it feels different.

I wasn’t able to see what follows until I was taught to look for it.

++

We have a mixing bowl that has each of the kids’ names in it.

We draw a name from the bowl and the kid that wins is Kid-of-the-Day.

Kid-of-the-day gets to choose where s/he sits in the car and what shows we watch.

When we drew Bella’s name out of the bowl, my three-year old (Axel) was jumping for joy because it was his sister’s “day”.

The capacity to experience joy for another person’s good fortune.

I’m grateful to be able to see that in my house.

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I don’t meditate about my kids dying anymore but I often think about my own death.

Through my contemplation, I can see the transient nature of my little boy. He’s arrived at the end of being little. The “little” phase is nearly done.

It was awesome.

I miss him before he’s gone.

I’ve been working with that feeling to get a better appreciation of life.

As the bumper sticker says, these are the good-old days.

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When things were very difficult with my eldest, I would assign motive and intent to her behavior.

…she knows what she is doing to me…

In speaking with child development experts, they assured me that it was impossible for a little kid to have intent. Possibly, the kids are picking up on my internal struggles and reflecting them right back at me.

Most likely, my experience is dictated by the turmoil in my own mind.

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One of the most amazing things about three-year olds is their capacity to switch between emotional states (tears – to joy – to tears – to laughter – to tears),

I remember one time my son had me on the edge. It was the second hour of putting him to sleep, I was exhausted and he was making request after request after request…

I was spending considerable energy not acting on my frustration, and feeling like crying, he says… Daddy, I love you.

…and reminded me that we will never regret not acting on our anger.

Handling Criticism with Grace

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2015-03-14 11.37.55

I was dropping my kids at school and overheard a conversation between a parent and teacher.

The parent was running through a shopping list of needs for her little one and explaining how the teachers had been falling short.

As I listened to the parent, I could feel myself digging in on behalf of the school and the teachers.

…don’t you know how long we’ve been doing this

…do you really thing you know better

…does any of this truly matter

Instead, the teacher listened carefully and let the parent talk herself out completely.

She replied,

Those are good ideas and I want to thank you for your patience with us.

Absolute brilliance!

The reply took the energy out of the situation and the parent was grateful that she was heard.

I took the “thank you for your patience” and have been working with it.

I use it with myself – stay calm be patient.

I use it with my family – I am working to improve, thank you for your patience

And, I use it when people offer correction – those are good ideas and I want to thank you for your patience.

 

Thriving In An Imperfect World

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pants

At the start of the month, my wife received some “bad” news. She was reminded that one of our pals was probably cheating. It’s wasn’t a big cheat. Well below a felony. But it created some cognitive dissonance for her.

She sighed… “but I thought he was one of the GOOD guys.”

It’s a thought that I often have myself…

…especially in February, when frauds and felons can become the focus of my endorphin starved brain!

I’ve been coping much better this winter and want to share some quick tips that might help you thrive in an imperfect world.

Parenthood has shown me the value of loving an imperfect person

You might think that I’m talking about my love for my kids.

Nope.

It’s is my kids’ constant forgiveness of my own shortcomings that is most valuable. Their forgiveness helps me become a better person.

So, I remind myself that it’s OK to love an imperfect person.

That said, past choices are a powerful predictor of future outcomes. Put differently, people that consistently make poor choices are more likely to have bad outcomes.

So, it’s OK to file away that I don’t want a close relationship with someone that doesn’t share my values. I will even go so far as to write it down in my diary. I’m a sucker for charismatic charlatans!

The other observation I shared with my wife is that she is a good person. It is transformative to believe in the goodness of the people around you.

What’s the inner emotional trigger when we find out someone has been naughty?

That the world might find out about all of my own shortcomings!

So the best antidote might be to own my disappointments and fix them in myself.

Finally, even with all the shortcomings, it’s great to be alive.

Freedom of Occupation – Choosing Personal Freedom

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Lexi_airportOver the last year, I have been offered attractive opportunities to return to full-time work.

In evaluating the opportunities, I realized the interaction of two variables.

  • The value that we can add to a situation. Call it my “value-added per hour.”
  • My core cost of living.

In the course of my career, I’ve lived the life of an athletic coach as well as an executive. Sometimes I’ve done both at the same time.

An excellent coach, or personal trainer, might net $35 per hour.

A skilled executive will be closer to $500 per hour.

Who has more personal freedom?

When I was younger, I was inclined to believe that more pay results in more freedom.

I’m not sure.

When I think through my pals, the individual who’s daily life most closely resembles my own isn’t who you’d expect. He is a $35 per hour consultant. My friend can live well on $500 per WEEK and has no net assets. He’s created a life where he has freedom of occupation and can say “no” to anyone.

Because of the value-added per hour differential, my buddy works about 25 hours per week. He nets more than his baseline needs. He lives an abundant life, free from financial pressure. He travels internationally. He can work from anywhere and enjoys freedom of location.

What about the executive?

A corporate lifestyle is highly variable, bouncing from 20 to 65+ hours per week. Sleep is often sacrificed and it’s common to spend much of the year nudging health back on track. Vacations are spent immersed in passions that take a back seat to the primacy of career (hobbies, sports, marriage, family).

My point is we all make trades => to get more, of what we think will make us happy, we can be tempted to pay in health, in failed relationships, in reduced freedom and, occasionally, in ethics.

When I speak with highly-paid professionals, they focus on the need for increased assets, and passive income, to attain the freedom they desire.

They ask my help to create a plan that results in freedom.

Freedom to do what?

The freedom to be healthy, to be serene, to be a great spouse, to do my job the right way.

Freedom might be closer than you think.

The Body You Want

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When my wife was a teenager, she really wanted curves.

coach_monsyThings worked out.

My teenage desires were different, but common. I wanted to be jacked.

gordo_crunchThat worked out too.

By the time we both got exactly what we wanted, we wanted something else.

We wanted to be whippet skinny so we could run fast.

We wanted to look like tall, but ripped, 14-year-olds!

G_WhipThat worked out, again.

I spent twenty-five years only to get right back where I started.

I noticed that there is an enduring feeling of my body being slightly unsatisfactory.

Once I noticed this pattern with my body, I saw it elsewhere.

Personal safety, other people’s driving, my house, my finances, my life situation… In many situations, there is a slight feeling of unsatisfactory.

I’m always striving to attain satisfaction that’s is just-out-of-reach.

As a young man, I might have seen striving as a good thing. My drive for improvement, my competitive urges, a desire for self-improvement… we have lots of names for the feeling.

Some cultures call it misery.

See what it feels like for you.

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When I work with others, we use a simple technique.

  • Write down what will make you satisfied.
  • Write down what will make you less afraid.
  • Write down what will make you feel secure.

Out of your list, choose one thing and work towards it.

Work slowly, pay attention, write things down.

Give yourself at least 1,000 days.

Ten years might be better.

You might get there quicker.

With my body, I didn’t start to notice my pattern until I’d been at it for twenty-five years!

With finances, I was lucky, I saw my pattern after a decade, took a leave of absence and enjoyed my first retirement.

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The fact that the lesson took a long time was helpful.

Good things happen slowly.

It’s tempting to short cut the process via cosmetic surgery, performance enhancing drugs, or cutting corners (fraud, tax evasion, deception).

Short-cuts rarely work because we fail to notice the slightly unsatisfactory feeling is following us everywhere,

My victories didn’t work, either. My successes left me wanting more and the feeling followed me around.

++

So I tried enjoying myself…

Pleasure can temporarily mask the unsatisfactory feeling and many use drugs, alcohol, fatigue and other techniques.

The trouble is… the associated hangovers are increasingly unsatisfactory as I age.

What to do?

If you can see the unsatisfactory nature of things then you might ask “who’s not satisfied?”

Once I could see the “unsatisfied person” it was easier for me to decide he wasn’t going to run the show.

At least, some of the time.

😉

Better Than Expected

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tea_partyLast week, a speedy age-group athlete asked me why I hadn’t been racing much.

I’ve been thinking about my answer. What was said, and what was unsaid.

Here’s what I said,

“You have to remember that I was far better than I expected to be.”

The peace I feel with regard to sport is something that I didn’t expect.

Part of the serenity comes from the experience of giving my absolute best for many years.

Another part is understanding what was required to exceed my expectations, and realizing that’s not advisable.

I have been thinking about my attitude of “better than expected” for YEARS.

I’ve noticed it is spreading into other areas of my life.

  • My marriage… better than expected
  • My kids… better than expected
  • My day… better than expected
  • My life situation… better than expected
  • My health… better than expected

Some of my serenity can be traced to a long-term campaign to jettison anything that stresses me. However, living with preschoolers is stressful and they don’t seem to be spilling into the rest of my experience anymore.

++

What was unsaid was the insanity of spending time, and a lot of money, reinforcing the worst aspects of my personality.

What do I mean?

At the edge, I discovered narcissism, sociopathy, isolation and a disregard for long-term health.

In addition to endurance competition, I have the potential to be very good at all of the above!

These attributes are everywhere in society. However, they are easily seen in people at the pinnacle of their fields (even narrow niches). Indeed, many champion athletes would see these traits as necessary, and desirable.

As a true believer, it was extremely valuable to lock onto athletics. It strengthened much of what’s good in me. It’s one of many paradoxes in my life.

I’ll end by paraphrasing a coach of mine…

Sometimes, the best thing you can do for someone is to give them the confidence to leave.

…and life has been far better than expected!

🙂

Seeking Truth, Enduring Pain

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SXMMy favorite quote on pain comes from a champion athlete, Dave Scott.

Dave was giving a talk the day before an Ironman triathlon and was asked, “How do you deal with the pain of racing?”

His reply…

First of all, it’s not pain, it’s managed discomfort

Along the same vein, I heard Dave’s rival (Mark Allen) share the advice that…

To achieve a result, you need to be willing to accept whatever is required to get to the result

Many people confuse pain, with the process.

Others, incorrectly, believe that they can achieve a meaningful life without having to endure discomfort.

Plan => Do Work => Recover & Evaluate

Plan => Do Work => Recover & Evaluate

Plan => Do Work => Recover & Evaluate

The discomfort comes within the process. Specifically, with identifying, and addressing, our shortcomings and beliefs that prevent success.

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What’s the opposite of “seeking truth, enduring pain?”

Lies and pleasure?

I don’t think so.

Think about a situation where someone “can’t handle the truth.”

What do you receive from them when you probe the truth?

Fear and anger

These are “negative” emotions but useful to point the way towards truth.

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The ability to see the world clearly requires a commitment towards radical honesty within our own lives.

If I can’t see the truth within myself, I’ll constantly be fooling myself with others.

So…

When I feel fear and anger, I know that I am on to something.

I might be close to an area that’s holding back clear thinking.

Seek the truth beyond the triggers.

Book Recommendation along these lines is Ray Dalio’s Principles – available as a free PDF.