Tag Archives: habits

Minimum Effective Dose

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gordo_crunchMinimum effective dose is a concept popular in athletics. The first time I heard about it was through Joe Friel.  I think Joe defined it as, “the minimum dose of the most specific training to achieve the goal”

Contrast this with my (historical) default strategy of “a little more than the maximum dose that my life can possibly withstand.” At the time Joe shared his observation, I was trying to train about five-hours per day!

Last winter, Monica started doing mini-walks when the kids were napping. We live on a hill and she’d powerwalk a quarter mile up, then a quarter mile down.

For a guy that used to aim for five hours of exercise a day, a half mile walk is a “why bother” level of activity. I’d sit at my desk, watch her leave and ask myself, “what the heck is she doing?!” At the time, she was knocking out 45 miles a week on our treadmill.

I was in a depressive funk and, perhaps, the mini-walks were her way of showing me the value of something rather than nothing.

Well, it worked. I started my mini-walks and they turned into some of the most pleasant time of my day. I moved through my funk.

The medical literature that I read is mixed on the value of exercise beyond about an hour a day. However, the value of movement (across a day) gets universal praise.

You can expand this concept beyond walking.

  • My relationship with my kids
  • Getting more efficient with my spending
  • Moderating my consumption of chocolate, beer or wine
  • Creating an ability to give a nice “no thanks”
  • Building a key relationship

A self-directed life comes from a habit of incremental change (but I have to constantly remind myself that the little things are worth it).

Scoundrels and Rascals

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When I lived in Asia, I was taught that desire is a necessary component of deception.

My desire to “be right” often leads me right back to another deception.

Some tactics follow that might help you avoid trouble with rascals that, truth be told, are often entertaining.

They Might Be Right – I get a guaranteed laugh when I tell my wife, “I might simply be different.” She smiles, “yes, babe. You’re different alright.”

When would the other person’s course of action be right?

If we live long enough then we are almost certain to find our present selves holding different opinions from our younger selves.

The Message Not The Messenger – we share a curious desire to bring down others and a glee in catching people being naughty. My opinion of a person can prevent me from learning from them.

What can I learn from this person? this situation?

Turn People into Adjectives – when I’m locked on a person, it’s far more useful to drill down to a description of what’s triggering me.

Think about a person that’s disappointed you and dig, dig, dig… until you move beyond the person and arrive at the behavior. There is always something inside of me that’s being touched by, what I believe is, an external trigger.

Let The Situation Move Away – hands down, the most useful thing I realized. Nearly all my “problems” move away if I stop feeding them. Usually the best course of action is to chill out and let my problems leave on their own.

This doesn’t mean that I support the injustice that I see. I means that I acknowledge that my most effective antidote is being just in my own actions.

Turn problem people into adjectives and correct their behavior in myself.

  • Honesty
  • Courtesy
  • Reliability
  • Kindness
  • Gentle
  • Loving

Conversations With Hollywood

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Yankee Doodle Lake

I have a friend that is a Hollywood producer and is willing to visit me in Boulder.

Hollywood, LA, TV… it’s a long way from the life that Monica and I have chosen for our family. I knew that there was something I could learn.

HollywoodWhat’s good about living in LA?

The two best things are the wealth of opportunity and the diversity of humanity with whom you can work.

In a sentence, my pal summed up the benefits of working internationally.

Being social creatures, we all share a bias towards our “in-group” – whatever group that might be – gay, straight, white, hispanic, Chinese, Malay, athletic, Jewish, firm, family, team, tribe… you name it.

My pal placed his family right in the middle of one of the most diverse places in the world.

Snacks

What’s your secret?

Young people that experience significant success are often asked their secrets…

Never underestimate the value of luck

It’s takes uncommon self-awareness NOT to attribute success to individual skill. As a young man, I lacked the humility to see the massive tailwind that led to success.

Above Ten Thousand FeetGratitude

Over the last few days, we spent 20 hours riding in the mountains.

However, at the start, only one of us could truly see the view! He’s raving about the beauty of the scenery, posting up on Instagram and smiling from ear-to-ear.

At first the little voice in my head is going, “of course it’s beautiful… you frickin’ live in LA!”

However after a dozen hours, I realize that I’ve been infected by his relentless positivity.

A deep happiness combined with a genuine desire to understand my point of view. Highly addictive!

Big Air

Think big, you have nothing to lose

You’ll never find out if you don’t try. Being an inspirational figure, my buddy implores… “you MUST try.”

Keep trying until you fail – that’s the only way to learn that failure isn’t fatal.

The picture above shows that he practices what he preaches. One year into riding his mountain bike, he can crush me on all technical terrain.

I was schooled, and impressed.

Rest StopTurning the tables, he asked me a question, What’s made a difference?

When I listen to people talk about their lives, I’m impressed by the quality of their (largely unconscious) thoughts.

We share moments of deep insight. However, and most certainly in my own case, insight is brief and fleeting!

The dark periods of my life spur a desire for change. In my early 30s, I realized that I had nothing to lose, wrote down my insights and started to make small change a habit.

It takes a while but, like compound interest, 14 years of (mostly) good decisions add up.

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Thanks for the visit, buddy. I hope we meet again but, even if we don’t, I’m grateful for our time together.

My Financial Domain and Legacy

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You can find my Part One here and Paul’s thoughts on Part One here.

#3 – What are the other things in life that are critically important to me, and for which I will be financially responsible?

This is a great question.

Be sure to run your answer by your therapist.

Why?

Because people that are high-achievers and good savers tend to take on responsibilities outside of their domain. I’ve watched families make themselves miserable by taking ownership of the financial wellbeing of adult relatives.

What’s my financial domain? Myself, my spouse and my minor children.

Watching people that I love struggle is no fun at all. However, I respect the people that had the courage to let me suffer as a result of my own choices.

#4 – What are the risks in the universe which may prevent me from fulfilling my responsibilities to myself and to others, and how might I defend against them or at least mitigate their impact?

Another great question!

Humans are lousy at assessing risk and statistics. An excellent investment you can make is reading Taleb’s Antifragile – please don’t use the book as motivation to set up a personal derivatives strategy!

Pro Tip: use insurance products to insure an identifiable risk, not make investments.

#5 – If I have accumulated wealth that exceeds all of the above requirements, how might I best utilize that wealth to derive the most personal satisfaction available from life?

It’s a shame that it takes so much money for people to realize they had won before they even started.

Value your time, more than your money.

Diversify your time towards helping people that have less of what you think you need. Specifically, teach what you’ve learned.

Improve your family’s human capital, starting with your health, your manners and your gratitude to the society that enabled your success. Start with small, simple changes:

  • Physical movement AM and PM
  • Get strong
  • Eat real food
  • Be a little more kind
  • Be a little more fun
  • Optimize your health markers via diet and exercise (blood pressure, cholesterol, blood glucose, body composition)

If you are a self-made person then love the people closest to you by ensuring that they have the opportunity to prove their self-worth via their own initiative and through their own passions. Tell your kids when they impress you.

Be willing to constrain yourself to create harmony within your family and community.

Laugh out loud.

One Kind Word

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Duty CallsSometimes I watch my friends get caught up in drama, and sometimes I watch myself.

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What’s your mission?

Whether you desire riches, fame or simply want to be loved, it helps to figure out the “why” of your existence. We get a lot of clues through the people that we admire.

Here are some of my whys for living

  • Write Books – help my kids; establish expert credentials; challenge my mind; get my ‘story’ straight
  • Blog – use my best form of expression to connect with like minded people to share my experience so we all feel less alone; experience gratitude from sharing my story; hold myself accountable to the ideas that I express publicly
  • In My Family – fulfill my role as a member of the family; What’s that role? Just love ’em.

At the care center where I volunteer, they have a flow chart that helps the team figure out when to act. I probably walked past the chart 50x before I gave it a read. The first question was revolutionary:

“Is this my domain?”

Each time I’m tempted to engage, I’ve been pausing and asking, “Is this my domain?”

It’s been eye opening to discover how much of my life isn’t my domain. In fact, I can ditch much of my internal strife by sticking to my domain.

Sometimes, it is my domain – take, my kids. With a pause, I get a chance to consider my goals, “teach my kids by my actions.” If I don’t want them to freak out with each other, then it helps not to get caught up in transient dramas.

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Being angry at injustice is a source of energy. If you pay attention to it then you can simply open up to the feeling and change the emotion. Anger, with a bit of time and breathing, can change into a desire for positive action.

That sounds great and I might get there. However, I’m not that Zen, so I convert my negative feelings to a drive to empty the dishwasher, take out the trash, fold the laundry or vacuum.

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Later, I look deeply and consider what’s really driving the response.

Often, I will try to con myself that I want to help others but, in my case, it’s a desire to make the world more like me, or get you to change your opinion to show me you care.

If I’m still stuck then I look for a way to send the person a little bit of love – a kind comment, any small gesture to help alleviate their pain. For people that get caught in hate, there’s always a source of pain that’s hidden from our view.

One kind word can break the chain.

Don’t Know, Don’t Care

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Lexi's Pink BootsA story that runs far beyond your portfolio.

Like most of us, I tend to shun painful thoughts, people, experiences…

However, in reading a book on finance, Your Money & Your Brain, I discovered a better way to think, and live.

Don’t Know, Don’t Care

Rather than getting rid of whatever seems to be bothering me. Why don’t I move my life towards a position where I’m OK either way.

In the finance book, the author was making the case for passive investing.

  • What’s going to happen to… ?
  • Should I sell?
  • Should I buy?
  • Where will interest rates be next year?
  • Corporate profit margins, availability of bank credit, tax policy, insolvency risk, terrorism, politics….

There is no end of worries available to you.

If you’re following a passive strategy with a fixed monthly investment then none of the above matter.

Another benefit is I don’t have to follow the noise that’s constantly pouring out of the media.

Once I saw the logic of changing one area of my life, I started to consider the other areas where I trade happiness, for worry.

Step into the mind of young woman:

  • Will they like me?
  • What will they think about my shorts?
  • Do my shoes match my outfit?

Sweetie, I don’t know but I think you’re terrific.

The “don’t know” strategy doesn’t make me immune to the opinions of others, but it gives me a mantra to occupy my mind on something more useful than worry.

Life is none of my business.

The Trap Of Fixing

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Camping With My SweetieSome say hate is a sign that you’re having an impact.

I’m not sure.

I think it’s more accurate to say that hate is a reaction to what I’m sending out. It’s an opportunity to pause, consider and learn.

When I’m focused on helping people, my ratio of positive to negative interactions is 500:1.

I find being told to change extremely painful. It’s like I let the World down, which is a major trigger for me.

The best antidote that I’ve found for dealing with my own negative feelings is to pause, not react, and ask myself, I’ll be happy when…

  • all dopers are caught
  • all frauds are punished
  • you change, rather than me
  • you. stop. that. right. now.
  • you close your sport, business, site, magazine because it bothers me
  • everyone, like me, has equal justice, from bigots like you
  • you break those friendships off

Are you sure that you’ll be happy if they change?

I won’t be happy when you change. I’ll pat myself on the back and move on to the next target. It is a path that’s guaranteed to make ME miserable and strengthen whomever is happens to be “wrong.”

My reality is that I will either be happy now, or not at all.

I share this because the 500:1 ratio is a compelling case that we can have a much greater impact by helping, rather than correcting, each other.

The positive interactions are what make us happy.

Break the chain.

Moving Through A Depression

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Tropic Coffee

50 is coming and I can feel that I’m spending my ‘middle’ worrying about money and getting yelled at by my kids.

The challenging thing about depression, or any of my other irrational feelings, is my inability to shake them via conscious thought.

Sharing my fears and concerns helps put them into a more rational context but my cure is always based around actions, rather than more thinking.

I smile when I re-read the paragraph above because (of course) thinking about “thinking too much” doesn’t work!

What does work?

Most helpful was the realization that I needed to make my life more difficult, while not adding stress.

I did this by purchasing a light alarm clock and changing my life so I get up two hours before my kids, who are thankfully good sleepers. By pulling the two hours from the end, to the beginning, of my day – I was able to write, exercise and sit without disruption. Writing, silence and exercise are the best antidote to the despair that I feel around kid noise.

In the heart of winter I reached out for help and attended a parenting workshop. The workshop gave me insight on how fantastic my kids are – nothing like listening to other parents to make me grateful for my own kids! However, despite my kids being normal (and desirable), I find their noise debilitating and draining.

What about the noise?

Some families cope by having constant background noise (TV and radio). For instance, the best parent that I know wears a radio walkman while she works in her house.

Other families ‘cope’ by yelling at the kids and emotionally beating them down. Effective, but not me.

I’ve been wearing earplugs to take the edge of the most intense moments, which rarely add up to more than 90 minutes a day.

People that cope well with noise will tend to find my choice of earplugs rude. Their reality is incapable of understanding what kid noise does to my internal life. I ask them for forgiveness and share the story of the great parent with the walkman.

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My son goes to school with the child of a social worker, who shared that her professional training hits a wall when she meets the reality of her own children. Her advice: stay two-steps back from the breaking point.

In applying this advice, I dropped lunch time workouts and replaced them with working in an absolutely quiet environment. This change took a lot of fatigue out of the back-end of my day. On Monday, Wednesday and Friday – I was swimming so intensely that I’d be mentally flat in the afternoons and exhausted by the evenings. Swapping my swim training into an early morning forest jog does nothing for my athletic fitness but it makes a huge impact on my overall mood.

Not swimming is complicated (in my head) because my swim coach is my wife and not spending time with her triggers my fear that my marriage will end and it will be my fault!

So…

The other bit of stress release is to tell my spouse the whole truth with how I am feeling, especially my fears (spending concerns, that I’ll act when I feel despair, that she will leave me, that I’m not a good man).

I have persistent themes that build internal stress – these all get shared with her (and pretty much everyone through my blog).

Most of this is article is to remind myself what to do – I had a tough 48 hours and started writing at 5am in a quiet house!

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What makes a difference?

Do something physical and spend a bit of quiet time in advance of the most stressful times of your day. For me that means short, solo, moderate workouts in nature done early morning and late afternoon. Each workout is short enough that the endurance coach in me wants to repeat the entire thing. Physical release and balancing the noise of my home life with quiet periods in my work life.

For the parents that deal with commutes and live in crowded cities – I don’t know how you do it. I’d be at risk for heavy self-medication and persistent deep sadness.

If you’re in that position then wait it out and don’t act on despair.

If I take responsibility for doing what I know works then I always move through a depression. When I’m really beat down it means that I’m very close to things improving.

See the beauty in the good moments.

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Serious athletes might find value in an article I wrote about athletic depression and training mania.

I’ll Be Happy When

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Tucson Camp

The article is not about my friends in the photo.

I put them in the article because we’re happy when we ride together. So… I will be happy when I ride with my friends.

That’s a start.

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A story about a friend that, like me, can struggle with happiness. In his case, extreme athletic success leaves him feeling empty. To top it off, he has a large public profile which leaves him exposed to the people that hate us for no reason.

We spent an evening talking and I shared the best things that I learned by leaving a career that paid me a lot of money.

If you’re not happy with your current success then you’re unlikely to be satisfied with more.

In a couple years, you will forget why you needed to change and trick yourself into coming back to something that wasn’t able to satisfy you in the first place.

Be sure to write it down.

All of these apply to my life. I’ll be happy when…

  • I graduate from school
  • I get into school
  • I’m promoted to partner
  • I run sub 60, 45, 40, 35 minutes for a 10K
  • I race sub-9 at an Ironman triathlon
  • I get my weight under 190, 180, 170, 160 pounds
  • I win a race
  • I win another race
  • I win a world championship
  • I pay off my loans
  • I borrow more loans
  • I save $1,000 / $10,000 / $100,000 / $250,000 / $1,000,000 or more
  • I find someone to love me
  • I buy a big house
  • I sell a big house
  • I own an Alfa Romeo Spider
  • I sell an Alfa Romeo Spider

Make it real, write it down, see how it makes you feel. This tip works like magic!

When you do it, PAY ATTENTION.

Did it work?

After 30 years of ticking off goals, I’ve come to see a pattern that amuses me.

  • I have to admit that achieving goals fails to provide lasting satisfaction
  • There seems to be chronic dissatisfaction stalking one side of my personality
  • But I tell myself that’s OK because dissatisfaction helps me strive towards my goals
  • And by achieving my goals…
  • I’m likely to continue to be dissatisfied

And, I watched my wife and kids – who are deeply happy.

And, I realized that the “things that make me unhappy” don’t happen all that often. Just like the happy things, they are temporary. What makes them linger is carting them around afterwards.

And I could see my internal voice constantly tempting me towards dissatisfaction by saying I need to get more and more stuff done.

Here’s what I know is likely to work most days – run in the morning, write, ride in the afternoon. Between those three things, do what needs to be done, ideally by helping others.

Zoo

Miniature train rides (above) also seem to work well – for us and the train conductor! I’m happy for that guy.

What’s your formula?

Beware Of The Fun Police

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Can you write a list of the things that make you laugh?

Since last summer, I’ve been working on three traits:

Humility – taking the appropriate space for a situation. My work with hospice challenges me to listen, to not-solve and to focus on quiet presence.

Equanimity – practicing not-reaction, not-replying and letting it roll. First in my actions, then in my words and eventually, I hope, in my thoughts. To challenge myself in this department I’ve opened up my social networks a bit. I’m doing well with not replying in writing – less so with not replying in my head!

Enthusiasm – I’ve noticed that the best parents and teachers have managed to hold onto their childish enthusiasm. Discipline, divorce, insolvency, fraud and positive feedback from being serious… have driven away most of my boyish enthusiasm. It takes a lot of exercise, or alcohol, to get me to let loose.

Why is fun important?

I’m awful at predicting what will make me happy. My default response to stress – sleep more, drink more, do less, eat more and take it easy – is a personal disaster for me.

It’s been this way for a very long time and I have learned to cope via two main strategies:

The Big Hairy Goal – via external validation – I wrap my identity around achievement of something most people find too difficult. The “can’t” of others becomes my reason to live.

Habit – flowing from the BHG, I create a plan that requires me to get out of bed and do work.

I’m not convinced that my method works for serving my wife, kids and family.

So I’ve been paying attention to what makes me laugh.

Laughing happens at times, that are very different to what I believe will make me happy.

  • Adversity – especially extreme weather adversity
  • Riding uphill at altitude
  • Jogging in a forest – trees (and oceans) make a difference to every experience
  • High quality coffee – strong – as in, coffee you feel
  • You Tube – the Fun Police would look down on the stuff that makes me laugh
  • The Onion – my #1 news source
  • Memories of Molina, my buddy KP and Penfold – I’m grateful that my mind skews my experience
  • Being with my wife
  • Aussies – the more abrasive the better
  • Chris Rock – this one makes sense
  • My son, Axel – laughing with a two-year old? I thought “less toddlers” was the answer
  • Sunrises – isn’t getting up early supposed to be a hassle?

Combos are even more effective – riding uphill, after strong coffee, in the snow, thinking of Molina… that’s a powerful laughter inducer.

The most dangerous fun police are the ones living in my head.