Category Archives: Uncategorized

Wealth Habits – Aspirational Spending

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bunny_gGrowing up the following fell somewhere between normal and aspirational:

  • Private education from Pre-K through Graduate School
  • Winter ski vacations
  • Summers spent at a waterfront cottage
  • International trips to tropical and European destinations
  • Two family cars, bought new, every five years
  • A walk-in closet filled with wonderful clothes and shoes
  • A garage packed with the finest sports equipment

Depending on where you live, you are signing up for $3,000,000 to $20,000,000 of aspirational spending.

…and you haven’t bought a bag of groceries!

Is there another way?

Save half of your after-tax income until you have ten years living expenses banked.

Then cut your living expenses and work part-time, so you can…

  • Spend thousands of hours with each of your kids before they graduate high school
  • Live where you don’t need to leave
  • Encourage your family to actively participate inside your community, and outside your demographic
  • Cultivate inexpensive passions (mine are reading, writing, forest walking and cycling)
  • Share simple, local experiences with your spouse (love, holding hands, serenity)

Time & health.

True wealth.

True luxury.

My Five Best Friends

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mountain_axIf you ask me what being a father is like then I might share that it is often horrible.

However, if you ask me to describe my life then I would assure you that it is wonderful.

I might follow this realization by making an attribution error of…

  1. horrible = kids
  2. wonderful = myself

I don’t think that I’m the only one making this mistake.

What’s actually happening inside my head when I’m feeling “horrible?”

Horrible doesn’t happen until I’m stretched and decide to label my fatigue.

If I am rested then parenting is fatiguing. I become tired by the effort required to improve myself.

Perhaps, I am creating habits that make the not-horrible aspects of my life wonderful?

I’m not sure, we all love a good story and I might be fooling myself.

For the last five years, I have been working on:

  • De-escalation
  • Yield Whenever Possible
  • Not-response
  • Redirection
  • Say What You Want To Have Happen

Other than the last point, parenting hasn’t come naturally to me. Taking stock, I ask myself…

  • Which emotional states did I reinforce today?
  • How do the people that are close to me make me feel?
  • Who is creating these feelings?

Change and Couples

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balloon_hatI was riding with a buddy and he shared…

I’ve been the same guy since she married me. I don’t understand why she keeps expecting me to change.

I had no idea about my pal’s marriage so I shared my opinion of our relationship…

Well, you’re a good guy and I’m grateful for everything that you’ve taught me.

Later, I realized that I’ve been on both sides of the conversation many times.

The thoughts, of the husband AND the wife, happen so often they are a habit of mine.

My habit isn’t useful.

Here’s what I’ve learned about personal change.

When I’m resisting a person that knows me well, it is because there is a conflict between (a) the truth of what they are saying; and (b) what I think will make me happy.

An example from my past was a belief that a life of constant exercise and extreme nutrition would make me happy. This was true, until it wasn’t. When it wasn’t true any more, somebody pointing out that my family might benefit from an engaged father, more than a top athlete, could have triggered resistance in me.

An even more simple example would be if my wife pointed out that eating Pad Thai and drinking beer, didn’t appear to make me happier than eating salad and drinking tea!

In the above two examples, I figured things out for myself but there must be other areas where I continue to fool myself.

I pay attention because there is no trigger without truth.

++

Now, the other side of the conversation.

Placing my personal happiness in another person’s capacity to change is foolish.

First, because what I think changes from moment-to-moment!

Second, because when I pay attention to what causes true happiness within me… it has nothing to do with “you changing”, and everything to do with my own choices.

Easy to say, tough to realize.

The way I figured out the above, was to make my desires real by playing “I’ll be happy when…”

  • Write down everything that will make me happy (once and for all) 🙂
  • Compare my happy-list to what’s happening when I’m really happy
  • Realize that I am constantly fooling myself

Teach my folly.

 

An Easy $1,500

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What is it about our cable bill that arouses such anger?

In my case, it’s paying money for someone to pump fear, anger and violence into my wife and children.

I’ve been working since 2008 to cut the cord. However, my wife made an excellent point that the kids programs are useful.

Seven years later, I came up with a strategy that will save me $1,500 over the next year.

Here’s what I did:

  • Buy a Roku box
  • Unplug my cable box, plug in my roku
  • Set up amazon direct and netflix
  • Netflix – we went for the two streaming plan so we can use an iPad as well as the Roku
  • Run the above in parallel with cable for a month to prove concept to my wife
  • Head down to Best Buy and get a basic cable modem
  • Call up my cable company to activate my owned-modem
  • Return all my hardware and change my account to broadband only

Time investment 90 minutes.

One year net savings $1,500.

If you are married to an athlete then make the shift in a non-Olympic year during the off-season of her favorite sport.

I play a long game!

🙂

Mommy Fatigue

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As a triathlon coach, I warned my athletes about the risks of dumb-ass fatigue. I would encourage them to get tired the right way and eliminate habits of pointless fatigue.

Recently, I was at my son’s school for community night. Given that it would be rude to say “dumb-ass” in a room filled with preschool parents, I needed to tailor my language for the audience.

The fatigue in mothers appears deeper than what I experience as a father.

Mommy fatigue reminds me of man flu, which is something that must be experienced to be believed.

I believe you and I wanted to help the community.

So I asked a question…

Do I perform better when I am exhausted?

I shared my experience…

The most fatiguing period of my adult life was spending 1,000 days constantly carrying around the problems of fatherhood. I thought about my problems 24/7 and it was exhausting.

I offered an antidote…

It was impossible for me to transcend my thought habits.

It has proven to be far easier to replace my habits with something useful.

When you find yourself fixated on your problems, pull out your Facebook feed and meditate on pictures that make you feel happy.

Close your eyes and breathe in that happiness.

When your problems reappear, close your eyes for a moment and breathe some happiness into them.

I shared my fatherhood goals…

I realized that aiming for perfection was making me miserable.

My kids don’t need perfection from me.

How should I define achievable success?

Don’t retaliate.

Stick with it.

Aim low, keep improving and we will end up better than we ever expected.

An Illusion of Individual Experience

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riverMy buddy, AC, wrote a good article about his athletic journey.

Alan’s article was a reminder of my own capacity for self-harm and a need to remain vigilant against fooling myself. You see, my story is the same with different details.

I make a cameo in the last decade of Alan’s life and my friends have been talking to me about their own experience.

I wanted to share part of a conversation…

A – I could never do that.
G – Never do what?

A – I could never share my story.
G – You might want to be careful with that.

A – Careful with what?
G – Be careful about making affirmations to conceal your truth

When you start to share your truth, you’re likely to discover that it’s really our truth.

Be brave.

Understanding Your Family’s Risk of Ruin

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nightwalkIn my previous piece on effective wealth, I made the case for linking wealth to spending.

  • Individual wealth => 5 to 10 years cost of living
  • Generational wealth => 10 to 25 years cost of living
  • Multi-generational wealth => 25 to 40 years cost of living
  • Surplus (excess?) wealth => beyond 40 years cost of living

Spanning 25 years and a range of industries, my careers have had one thing in common… clients can sustain significant losses.

Early in my working life, permanent financial loss didn’t concern me.

  • I had limited assets
  • I was an employee
  • I was insured by my company
  • I was indemnified by my clients

Over time my exposure changed and, eventually, I realized that I had a significant risk of ruin.

My definition of “ruin” has changed over time. It’s worth writing out your own and discussing within your family.

For example, “losing everything I own:”

  • didn’t concern me at 25 – I had a small balance sheet relative to my future earning potential
  • would have been a huge problem at 35 – I had limited earnings, moderate personal leverage and a balance sheet containing more than 15 years cost of living
  • isn’t a problem today – low leverage, small personal balance sheet, greatly reduced cash flow deficit relative to my young family’s assets

Today, ruin consists of adverse events with my family’s human capital.

While I run our family structure, it’s a very small piece of what I do.

Because… the purpose of getting family structure correct is to enable a focus on what matters – human capital and shared experience.

  • marriage
  • kids
  • family
  • health

Get the structure right so that you can focus on things other than the structure!

  • Simple
  • Straightforward to manage
  • Cost-effective (time, expense, future flexibility)

Consider:

  1. Are you worth suing?
  2. In what capacity could you be sued?
  3. What’s the nature of the losses that could be sustained by any party?
  4. What can go wrong outside of lawsuits? Personal disability, for example.
  5. Can financial, or legal, structuring reduce these risks?
  6. What’s the cost to insure these risks?

Brainstorm the answers and schedule consultations with:

  • an experienced litigation attorney – quantify and understand how you will be ruined 🙂
  • an experienced trust and estate lawyer
  • a fiduciary with experience advising families similar to your own
  • a family that has managed two successful generational wealth transfers – what does success look like when you’re gone?

Write out your notes from these meetings, discuss with your family counsel and reach a rough consensus on your family values.

Here are reading resources to help you understand family wealth.

  • Consult widely
  • Seek out smart people that disagree with you – you’ll both benefit
  • When family members disagree, pause
  • Change slowly

More on the specifics of my own journey in a future installment.

Educating A Beautiful Girl

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Lexi in MoabAn enduring benefit from working across cultures, races, sexual orientation, body mass indices and beauty is an increased capacity to see myself in other people.

If you look closely then you’ll see that power-seekers have a tendency to focus on the wickedness of “them.” It’s an effective argument employed by the media, politicians and our leaders.

Pointing out “their wickedness” is so common that I search for teachers that are careful to avoid an appeal to wickedness.

A story…

My daughter and I were heading into the supermarket in Moab. People in the desert look different than people in Boulder.

Dad, dad… that homeless guy is stealing all the food.

Sweetie, look carefully, he’s taking his groceries to his car.

With her filters off, my daughter reminded me that I have some work to do.

Another example…

The wealth effect of excessive living is obvious. However, if you look deeply then you’ll discover another, far more subtle, effect. You’ll be able to feel a separation between yourself and other people.

As you separate yourself, you will be prone to seeing “their wickedness.”

The physical separation is in plain sight – education policy, gated communities, exclusive clubs, athletic ability…

In Boulder, we don’t need gates, the price of real estate makes an effective barrier to entry, especially when combined with private school fees (so our children are protected from their children).

If you sit quietly then you will feel a deeper separation. It makes us miserable and allows us to be manipulated.

An antidote…

  • Humility in my own needs
  • Spending time outside my “tribe”
  • Looking inwards at my tendency to hold myself separate

Later in the trip I asked my daughter…

Who gets hurt when you’re scared or angry?

PJs

Dealing with an Irrational Spouse

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girlsA decade ago, I was working in Bermuda and went shopping with my girlfriend. She picked out a small container of strawberries for us and I nearly pooped my pants…

Eight bucks for strawberries?!?

My girlfriend is now my wife but I’ve held onto my tendency to sweat the small stuff.

In the middle of winter I was looking at all the exotic fruit in the fridge and asking myself how much all this cost. I came across a quart of chopped watermelon and nearly pooped my pants…

Ten bucks for watermelon?!?

While I haven’t learned, my wife has…

I’m grateful to be married to a man that can afford to buy ten-dollar watermelon and I assure you that your children and I are going to savor every single piece of it.

I share the script because the people in our lives that feel pain from spending probably feel pleasure from providing.

Her reply was brilliant.

While I have been doing more fruit shopping at CostCo, the pain from opening the fridge door has been replaced with pride from being able to provide the family with healthy choices.

This example has given me the courage to search for other “fruity” situations in my life.

A Lesson From Richard Feynman

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snow_bunnyThe mistake I made was not reconsidering my involvement once the original reason for agreeing to help had been removed.

The quote is Richard Feynman’s. It refers to his role in building the nuclear weapons that killed more than 100,000 people. You’ll find the story of his involvement in The Pleasure of Finding Things Out.

One of the most dangerous biases that we’re prone to is consistency and commitment tendency.

Once we start down a path, it takes uncommon effort to get us to deviate, or change our mind. In fact, the harder outsiders try to change our minds, the more we dig in. Think politics, patriotism, corporate policy and religious dogma.

However, it is not all bad news. We can acknowledge this tendency and harness it to make positive changes in our lives.

Write down key decisions and own our errors. I force myself to do this annually.

Force ourselves to look inwards and discover the irrationality and intellectual arrogance that we see in others. My wife is an expert at gently pointing out inconsistencies!

Make a habit of micro-change. Fake it until you make it and give yourself permission to change your mind “just a little bit.”

Making significant changes in our lives is such a hassle that we nearly always wait until a crisis forces our hand.

  • Divorce
  • Health emergency
  • Large scale financial fraud
  • Ethical lapses
  • Criminal behavior
  • Addiction and abuse

These are opportunities to reassess but, in a crisis, I’m too overwhelmed to think clearly!

My solution is to schedule time to consider time.

  • Family
  • Career
  • Relationships
  • Athletics
  • Volunteering

Remembering why I started.

Did my choices today make sense?