Tag Archives: family values

On The Occasion of My 10th Wedding Anniversary

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car_shotSome reflections on relationships.

Love will make your spouse more beautiful but remember that kindness is more valuable than beauty.

Working on myself has proven more effective than working on my marriage, my family or any other person/project in my life.

A valuable step in making myself suitable for marriage was getting myself to the point where I was comfortable being alone.

I couldn’t offer myself to others until I was comfortable with myself.

Gradual self-improvement is the journey.

ACT as if you remember why you wanted someone in your life in the first place — to share common experiences.

Thank you for helping me achieve everything I need in life. I reviewed my notes from the last three years and, together, we’ve achieved everything I wanted. So nice to be able to share my journey with you.

Love you, babe.

Less Little Lies

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bear2A friend asked what it has been like to step back from athletic competition. Much of what follows applied when I left jobs, peers or habits – any of which might not have fit my life anymore.

The immediate impact is usually relief and a realization of the unnecessary cost my choices where imposing. Quite often, the relief is followed by sadness at leaving old habits, even negative ones.

In terms of “what’s it like” to compete less – it’s exactly the same, just less fatigue and soreness. All my “issues” follow me wherever I go!

What is available is an opportunity to look at the impact of a competitive, or corporate, lifestyle.

I often cloak a selfish reality with talk of benefits outside myself. Shareholder value, national prestige, competing on an international stage, earning money for my children… these little lies are repeated until they become my reality.

Fooling myself isn’t necessarily a problem. I spent my teens and twenties solely focused on my personal outcome. It worked at the time.

In my 30s, I broadened my circle to help other people assist with achieving my personal outcome. It still worked for me.

That lifestyle was a form of greed – more more more.

With a spouse and kids, the lies have to increase to justify continuing the choices of my youth.

Long-term competition isn’t a problem. The problem is the thinking that results from turning away from my spouse, my kids, my family and my community.

We tell ourselves that we will change when we have X, or achieve Y, or become Z.

What I’ve done is tell myself…

I’m going to look directly at my flaws, a diseased friend, a homeless beggar, a hysterical child or a demented hospice patient.

Whatever it is that scares me. I’ll look at it.

I’m going to acknowledge that I can’t fix the situation but I’ll try to do something small to make life better.

Working towards overcoming the difficulties of my inner life is similar to the pleasure of overcoming others through competition.

The reward is just as sweet and others do not pay a price for my success.

 

Fatherhood: Giving Myself A Break

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disneyDuring the school year, my son and I have a routine. When I come back from my afternoon workout, he takes a bath while I have a shower. It’s a win-win-win as the two of us end up clean and my wife likes a fresh family.

Last week, as I was heading out the door for date night, my son asked me to help him get clean.

One of my reactions was fear.

  • Fear that if I gave into this request then I’d never get out of the house.
  • Fear that if I gave into the request then the requests would never stop.

Fortunately, I was able to pause before I acted on my fear.

While pausing, the thought arrived that I MUST break this pattern of behavior in my boy.

What pattern was that?

Loving me, or wanting to spend time with me? 😉

Pausing a little more, I thought about everyone in the situation.

  • The Sitter – being left with a dirty, unhappy four-year old
  • My Wife – sitting outside, content with her apps
  • My Boy – wanting his dad to spend time with him
  • Myself – feeling a wall rising inside me as I’m tempted to close out my son

I sent my wife a text that I’d be a bit late, enjoyed giving my son a bath and everything worked out fine.

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I share this story because it highlights a dangerous habit that is easy to create.

Closing my inner life because I’m scared of future demands.

If you look for this pattern then you will see it everywhere.

  • Gifting – refusing to help now, to avoid being asked later
  • Parents – giving into the desire to break the child now, to “help” them later

Inside me, the habit feels like a form of revenge.

I’ll turn away from you now, because that’s “easier” than having to say no later.

Looking deeply, I’m the one that is hurt by this habit (and I’m robbing myself of the feel-good benefit of being a nice guy).

Harsh people think their hardness is a long-term favor to the people in their lives. They probably learned this habit in a difficult childhood.

My heart tells me that I’ll be OK with the risks of staying open to the people in my life.

Be brave.

Can’t Be Bought

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bearLooking forward to 50, I will find myself with 10, 7 and 6 year olds living under my roof. Those are great ages to accompany a 50-something man as he explores the world.

There remains a lot to look forward to.

The key advice that I give myself, and offer you, is to approach life with the understanding that you can’t be bought.

The reality is, often, we can be bought. If that describes your current position then keep your mind open to the possibility of increasing your price until you remove it all together. That’s what I’ve been working towards for the last 20 years, or so.

What’s your price?

I must remember the dissatisfactions have come from letting money influence my life choices. I’ve taken on assignments because I thought I should, rather than because they fit my principles. I’ve sustained a double-whammy when those assignments took me away from the people closest to me.

What are better principles to guide my thinking?

  • Lean towards marriage, family, friends, local community – let’s call these Core People
  • Share experiences with Core People
  • Pay attention to spending that has an immediate beneficial impact – my highest utility spending is childcare that enables me to share experiences or spend time alone
  • Aim to help all people – keep broadening my circle of altruism
  • Set aside time for continuous simplification – automatic bill pay, empty time in my schedule, reduced admin, streamline possessions
  • Don’t pay for luxury – adversity makes fond memories

Every day offers a chance to turn toward my principles.

Looking At 50

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unitedIf I followed the path of the majority of my mentors then 50 would see me gearing up for a Big Push. The push might be towards athletics, or business, or a career path that I neglected earlier in my life.

Instead, I find myself asking, “How can I make a lasting difference for my family?”

That’s surprising, based on my younger self, but not surprising if I take the time to learn about the natural progression of men in my situation. So that’s been a clear lesson, the illusion of individual experience. If you can’t see this illusion in yourself then spend some time with a teenager.

Late last year, I had lunch with a young man that works in finance. He lives in Hong Kong. He drives a wonderful Italian sports car. He makes plenty of money. He’s one of the fittest employees in his firm. He’s engaged to a fantastic Chinese-Canadian woman.

It got me thinking.

You see… I was having lunch with a man who was living my former life in Asia.

It was humbling. Humbling because it drove home how I’m prone to fooling myself about success being due to the special nature of myself.

Don’t take the good, or the bad, too seriously. Take time to learn from the many who have walked before us.

Ultimately, all that we will be left with are memories of what we’ve done:

  • taking action that serves the collective
  • being open to those that love us
  • focused time on marriage, family, friends, community

Choose wisely.

Time Enough For Love

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loveA conversation that I’ve had with a few friends.

A friend shared that he noticed that he hates being rushed and he also aims to be early for every appointment. His solution is to compromise sleep so that he’s able to arrive early for every appointment.

When I look closely, I find that it is impossible to enjoy anything when I hurry. I was surprised by how little I need to slow down to increase enjoyment.

Later in our conversation, he shared that his doc simultaneously recommended that he reduce his stress load and start testosterone supplementation.

I advised against because, you’ll simply cram more into your life and not address the underlying cause of your fatigue.

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Later I shared my own story…

Rather than focusing on what’s important, I have been asking, Who is important? Who are the people on my list?

My list is spouse, kids, family and a couple friends. That’s who I’m truly working for.

I then asked myself, “Am I willing to change to be truly available to those people?”

I’ve decided to start small.

Write a list of five people (the important) and drop the urgent when you have the chance to be with them.

Dropping everything sounds severe but, in reality, it consists of looking away from a book or computer screen.

In the evening, it can be as simple as sitting between my daughters on the couch and doing housework after they go to bed.

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What does being available to the people that love us have to do with being rushed, high stress and testosterone supplementation?

Put another way, why am I rushed, stressed and exhausted?

If you look deeply then you may find a core belief that you have to cram MORE into your life to serve your family and win the respect of others.

However, this will never satisfy because what your family truly needs is YOU, your presence, your love, your time.

A Valuable Legacy

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bike_dadWhen I think of the word legacy, I might see tangible assets being left to my children, family and community. This type of thinking flows from my background in finance, where success is measured in dollar bills.

As a father, I’ve come to see that many of my successes are hidden.

  • The conflict not engaged in
  • The harsh word not spoken
  • The anger not acted upon

Might the absence of certain experiences be a valuable legacy to leave my children?

  • The absent father not indulged
  • The distant mother not reinforced
  • The angry parent not encouraged
  • Keeping myself from becoming a casualty in my later years

In working on the above, I might make my kids aware of my faults, my failings and the techniques that helped me manage them.

A different, but valuable, inheritance.

Living The Plantpower Way

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2015-05-03 18.22.19Rich Roll and Julie Piatt have a new book, The Plantpower Way.

I loved it.

The book reflects a way of life Rich & Julie are seeking to bring to their marriage and family.

At it’s heart, “The Way” is similar to what I’m seeking to offer my own family.

However, my home life doesn’t involve tranquil meals after a serene afternoon shopping at the local farmer’s market…

So, I caught myself muttering there’s no way their life’s like that…

Then I started laughing.

I was laughing because their reality doesn’t matter and, like Rich, my reality is far removed from the craziness of years past.

The book is filled with proven advice:

  • Plants are a foundation of nutritional health
  • Weight management is linked to veggie consumption
  • To get your family to eat better, involve your spouse/kids in menu selection and food preparation
  • Be the (nutritional) change you want to see in the world (and your home)

If you’re already preparing meals then this is a must-have resource. The recipes are simple, quick to prepare and taste great.

If you’re not preparing meals then start by creating a habit of eating real food. After 20 years of better choices, I arrived at three basic meals. Nutritional liberation doesn’t require complexity.

If, like me, you find yourself intimidated by the thought of 100% compliance then remember weak implementation of plant-based nutrition offers strong results. 

Rich did an AMA that lays out the basics of his philosophy. His humility, tolerance and lack of dogma shine through. It’s a refreshing read.

Practicalities:

  • Double all the recipes – Whenever I fire up the stove, I want to get four to five days worth of whatever I’m cooking. Actually, my wife’s been doing the cooking. You’ll need someone to take the lead in your home.
  • It is not about the goji berries – health benefits flow from replacing sugar/starch with veggies. You can be plantpower’d via CostCo.
  • What’s your goal? What are you seeking to achieve in your life?
    • Weight management? Focus on cranking up the veggies
    • Emotional stability? Be the good in the world
    • Fame? Focus on goodness under your own roof
    • Serenity? Focus on relentless simplification

Understand why you are motivated to make-the-change.

If you can transcend your (food) choices then you will have a roadmap to apply throughout your life. Letting go (of animal products) may be similar to releasing ourselves from other habits.

It takes courage to live an open life.

Respect to Rich & Julie.

Parents Suffering From A Lack of Enjoyment

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dinoOver Mother’s Day weekend, I put in a 16-hour shift with my kids (6, 3 and 2).

On my big-daddy-day, the rage and anger that would well up inside me, were exhausting. Mother Nature has done a good job attuning my hearing to the whines of my preschoolers.

Why can’t they just get along?!

For the most part, I have enough skill to avoid pointing the anger at the kids, my marriage, the situation or other people. However, I will stipulate to yelling in the car around 12:45pm last Saturday.

My big-daddy-day showed me that I would certainly crack – the only question is how quickly.

It also showed that I’m doing a lot right.

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Since our first child arrived, I’ve noticed that my wife is only relaxed when we’re out of the country. I had years of similar suffering, always carrying the trauma of parenthood around with me. More on that here.

Saying that my wife’s trauma strains our marriage would not be true. We have a fantastic marriage.

However, it is difficult to watch the suffering of a person we love.

When I listen to parents, I hear their disappointment.

I wish I could enjoy my time with her.
I wish he would listen to me.
I was so angry at myself (for being angry with her).

Insight came from asking myself…

Are we supposed to enjoy things all the time?
Are kids supposed to listen all the time?
Is reasonable to expect an absence of anger in this situation?

My friend, Justin, wrote a piece about racing triathlons. He pointed out that nobody expects life to be nothing but green lights. However, novices sometimes expect everything to go their way on race day. When an inevitable setback occurs, they start a downward emotional spiral.

Perhaps you’ve noticed this pattern with your preschooler?

You can do yourself, and your community, a great service by breaking the chain of this sort of thinking.

How were the kids?
They were age-appropriate. We are very lucky to have three healthy children.

How are you doing?
I am tired but I’ll be fine tomorrow.

The lesson of my big day was how easy it would be to lose myself and fall prey to the seeds of anger, rage and resentment that live in each of us.

I took my wife out for Mother’s Day dinner and shared:

Someday the kids are going leave and we will be left alone.

Our marriage is what we want to endure.

We don’t serve the family by becoming casualties, ourselves.

Effective Wealth – Due Diligence Results

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tulipsThis series started with a definition of effective wealth and a due diligence exercise for your family.

I’ll share the best tips that I received from my due diligence work:

A general liability umbrella policy can be an effective way to insure against ruin – in my life, hosting events (where athletes might die) was the source of my greatest liability. Due to my other insurance coverages, $5,000 per annum bought me $5,000,000 of coverage.

Have an expert read your insurance contract to ensure you’re covered for your key risks. I’ve reviewed draft policy documents that specifically ruled out the only reason I was buying the policy!

Paying $5,000 per annum got me thinking that there might be a better way to structure my life. There is a better way and I’ll share my family legal structure in a future post.

Hosting athletes is a low-margin business and my need for multiple insurance policies greatly reduced the profitability of the events. So I handed the events off and removed myself from their promotion and management.

In speaking with successful families, three things stood out.

#1 – the advice to share information widely and control the structure narrowly. As much as possible the family is involved and consulted on family matters. However, not more than two individuals from each generation are involved in governance. Write out the process for a family member to become a fiduciary, or trustee.

#2 – each generation must decide their own values. It’s impossible for elders of the past to influence third and fourth generation family members. The best tip here is a reminder that no matter what you do, what you decide, what you structure… there will be aspects of life that you find disappointing – in yourself, in your spouse and in your kids.

#3 – young family members should be given the opportunity to learn from mistakes early in life. No family member should be given the opportunity to bring down the entire family and individuals should experience the impact of their poor decisions.