Tag Archives: family values

Allowance 3 2 1

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amigosMy six-year old has been hounding me to buy her stuff:

  • Pink iPhone
  • Pink Mermaid Tail
  • Pink Guitar

Rather than entering into a philosophical debate on consumerism with my kindergartener…

I decided to put her on the payroll.

We’re starting at $6 per week and I told her that she’d get a raise of $1 per week on her birthday.

$6 also makes the math easy for what I want to teach her.

I gave her three envelopes. I wrote on each…

  1. Save
  2. Spend
  3. Donate

My weekly recommendation was to save three dollars, spend two dollars and give one dollar away.

She asked if she had to do it my way.

Knowing that the purpose is to create ownership, embed good habits and learn from errors… I said it was up to her.

So far she’s saving 100%.

She asked if she had to do any extra work.

Hoping that a reasonable allowance might reduce lying and petty theft, I said that it didn’t rely on anything.

My wife felt that $6 per week was a lot. Looking at a CPI calculator, it’s the equivalent of $2.50 when my wife was six and $1.25 (!) when I was six.

Seems reasonable and the round numbers made it easy to introduce the concept of allocating income (Save, Spend, Give).

Saving half of everything I earned before 30 was the best financial decision of my life.

It will be interesting to see the unintended consequences.

An Unexpected Teacher – The End of The Little

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ax_fro_yoThe early years of parenting are a blur but two memories persist from the first time I was living with a three-year old.

One memory is hiring a full-time nanny and explaining her job description as “get our oldest out of the house.”

The second memory is trying to generate compassion for our daughter by thinking about how sad I would be if something happened to her.

Now that our middle kid is three, we’re in familiar territory. However, this time it feels different.

I wasn’t able to see what follows until I was taught to look for it.

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We have a mixing bowl that has each of the kids’ names in it.

We draw a name from the bowl and the kid that wins is Kid-of-the-Day.

Kid-of-the-day gets to choose where s/he sits in the car and what shows we watch.

When we drew Bella’s name out of the bowl, my three-year old (Axel) was jumping for joy because it was his sister’s “day”.

The capacity to experience joy for another person’s good fortune.

I’m grateful to be able to see that in my house.

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I don’t meditate about my kids dying anymore but I often think about my own death.

Through my contemplation, I can see the transient nature of my little boy. He’s arrived at the end of being little. The “little” phase is nearly done.

It was awesome.

I miss him before he’s gone.

I’ve been working with that feeling to get a better appreciation of life.

As the bumper sticker says, these are the good-old days.

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When things were very difficult with my eldest, I would assign motive and intent to her behavior.

…she knows what she is doing to me…

In speaking with child development experts, they assured me that it was impossible for a little kid to have intent. Possibly, the kids are picking up on my internal struggles and reflecting them right back at me.

Most likely, my experience is dictated by the turmoil in my own mind.

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One of the most amazing things about three-year olds is their capacity to switch between emotional states (tears – to joy – to tears – to laughter – to tears),

I remember one time my son had me on the edge. It was the second hour of putting him to sleep, I was exhausted and he was making request after request after request…

I was spending considerable energy not acting on my frustration, and feeling like crying, he says… Daddy, I love you.

…and reminded me that we will never regret not acting on our anger.

What I Wish I Knew Four Years Ago About Fatherhood

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Lexi_2011I’m told that 2010-2013 were often awful. I wouldn’t know for sure because I have ZERO memory. It’s amazing. Aside from the photos, the early years of my kids are gone.

My wife carries emotional trauma from these years and will flashback when something triggers her. She tells me it’s a really unpleasant sensation.

The memory I have is wondering why I couldn’t transcend my daughter. I used to carry around the difficulties of parenthood. Even when I was away from her, I would hold the difficulties in my mind.

My wife’s the same way – both with her 2010-2013 experience of our daughter as well as with her own childhood memories.

I suspect we’re all prone to carrying around the past.

This might help.

The first step in letting go of an image isn’t letting go, snapping out of it, or moving on…

…my mind doesn’t work that way.

Lexi_CuteWhether you’re coping with an unpleasant emotion, an addiction or a compulsion…

…far better to give your mind something to grab on to.

Lexi_surfDecide on a series of images that you can feel in your body. The feeling you’re looking for is one that mimics joy and love – in my case the sensation in an opening of my heart.

Lexi_FlowerI walk in the forest and contemplate my favorite images.

When I started, I struggled to generate the feelings with the images of my daughter. I kept coming back to the pain image at the top of the page.

Ax_HippoSo I would start with images of my son and transfer the feelings over to my daughter.

It didn’t work well at first but I stuck with it.

I also spent a lot of time with the source of my discomfort.

Lexi_boom

…and my daughter grew up

…and I got better at it

Lexi_science

…and I realized that what I was doing was training my mind to be able to conjure up a sensation, a feeling, an emotion

…that was different to my prior habits of anger and frustration

Ax_scary

The difficult moments remained challenging but I was no longer carrying them around with me.

It was a form of freedom.

I found myself laughing more often and I had a bit more patience, which can be VERY useful when dealing with a cranky three-year old!

Anyhow, if you find seeking dominance to be an ineffective strategy then I hope you remember this post.

Replace your suffering by thinking about things that make you smile.

Bonus points for making the effort while walking in nature!

Lexi_Elsa

Quarterly Update – Q1 2015

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winterFebruary contained the most (winter) laughter since my kids were born.

Much better than a gradual slump into seasonally-maladjusted depression!

Rebalancing & Asset Sales

  • No changes in asset allocation.
  • Small purchases to rebalance to target allocation.
  • No year-end tinkering for tax purposes.
  • Cash and short-term treasuries will fall to 6% of our family balance sheet once we make 2014 retirement purchases before April 15th.

We decided to take three non-yielding assets and put them on the market => a vacant lot, a piece of jewelry and a painting.

  • These sales could free 10-15% of the family balance sheet.
  • We expect to save 5-8% of our core cost of living by reducing taxes payable and insurance expenses.
  • A low tax basis on the vacant lot means there will be capital gains payable. However, we own the house next door and the capital increase on the house (as the neighborhood is upgraded) will mitigate the tax bill from the sale.

Simplification

The biggest change is with my working life. I’ve cut way back with non-family work.

Six years ago, I had over 60 third-party clients. Currently, I work with 3 families. The result is a significant change in weekly time allocation:

  • Kids/Spouse => 35 hours
  • Third-party Work => 5 hours
  • Family Work => 5 hours
  • House Work => 5 hours
  • Exercise => 15 hours
  • Open => 20 hours

The “open” time has been transformative.

I have time to read, write, think and unwind => none of these focus on external achievement, another change.

I also have a lot of flexibility for quick trips and short-term projects. My working life is bursts of focused effort with most projects being 2-10 days long.

Kids

2011-2013 were tough. I’ll write more in a separate post – 2014 was a transformative year for the family.

Thriving In An Imperfect World

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pants

At the start of the month, my wife received some “bad” news. She was reminded that one of our pals was probably cheating. It’s wasn’t a big cheat. Well below a felony. But it created some cognitive dissonance for her.

She sighed… “but I thought he was one of the GOOD guys.”

It’s a thought that I often have myself…

…especially in February, when frauds and felons can become the focus of my endorphin starved brain!

I’ve been coping much better this winter and want to share some quick tips that might help you thrive in an imperfect world.

Parenthood has shown me the value of loving an imperfect person

You might think that I’m talking about my love for my kids.

Nope.

It’s is my kids’ constant forgiveness of my own shortcomings that is most valuable. Their forgiveness helps me become a better person.

So, I remind myself that it’s OK to love an imperfect person.

That said, past choices are a powerful predictor of future outcomes. Put differently, people that consistently make poor choices are more likely to have bad outcomes.

So, it’s OK to file away that I don’t want a close relationship with someone that doesn’t share my values. I will even go so far as to write it down in my diary. I’m a sucker for charismatic charlatans!

The other observation I shared with my wife is that she is a good person. It is transformative to believe in the goodness of the people around you.

What’s the inner emotional trigger when we find out someone has been naughty?

That the world might find out about all of my own shortcomings!

So the best antidote might be to own my disappointments and fix them in myself.

Finally, even with all the shortcomings, it’s great to be alive.

The Fountain of Youth

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2015-02-10 16.55.59When I was a student at McGill University, I took a course about insurance. Our teacher worked in the life insurance industry. He had us fill out a lifestyle risk assessment.

I was surprised that my risk was off-the-charts.

Of course it was.

It’s adaptive for young men to be clueless.

As I tell my wife…

Men under 30 lack the capacity to access risk 

Some of us grow out of it.

Some don’t.

To make it easy for the guys, the teacher gave us three things:

  1. Don’t speed
  2. Wear a seat belt
  3. Don’t smoke

All three became life-long habits.

What’s that have to do with aging?

My professor was recommending that we eliminate choices that kill students early. He was speaking to lifespan (don’t smoke), and what kills teenage men (speed and seat belts). He knew that telling us to drink less would have been futile.

I have been reading about healthspan (links to Washington Post article).

Healthspan means optimizing my choices for independent living and being able to share experiences with the people I love.

If you’re smoking and/or speeding without a seatbelt, then focus on those first.

How do we extend, and protect, our healthspan?

Treat being mortal like heart disease

Via diet, stress and exercise

My recipe

  1. Identify and jettison stress
  2. Move my body in nature
  3. Eat real food
  4. Sleep enough that I often wake up before my alarm

Keep it simple.

Siblings Competing For Love – Living With Kids

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peace2When my family is tired, our filters come down and the raw emotion flows freely.

With six, three and two year olds under the same roof it can get crazy at times.

Here are three simple techniques we use to give the kids the comfort they need and maintain our sanity.

#1 – the one-on-one play date

You’ve probably noticed that little people can struggle to play with more than one person at a time.

For play dates, and PARENT dates, we aim for one-on-one activity. This is particularly useful for the relationship between my wife and my oldest daughter. They do things together, they acknowledge that they are together and my daughter gets to choose the activity.

The conversation might go…

L: It’s not fair, you’re always spending time with the baby.

M: Well Sweetie, remember that Tuesday afternoon is YOUR day. We will be swimming together and going out to dinner where you want.

This technique won’t solve every issue but it will cut them in half, while making you feel better about your allocation of time.

#2 – is it true?

A family member screaming “you’re not giving me what I need” is an extremely effective, and painful, appeal.

Adult children, and parents of adult children, can continue to use this tactic.

As a parent, understand that the child is programmed to make the appeal and you’re programmed to feel pain.

It’s nothing personal.

But is it true?

The pain is coming from a sense that I’m not doing what I should. So I ask myself, am I giving my child what she needs? Usually, I am.

If not then am I able to give my child more? Some times things get worse (for me AND my child) as I give more of myself.

Is my child correctly identifying her issue? Most meltdowns are an appeal for love and understanding. They have very little to do with my child’s current obsession and can be overcome with a hug, recognition or the passage of time.

#3 – failure is an option

As I wrote in A Necessary Failure – the relentless demands of our children are designed to break both of us down. It’s an essential part of growing up.

Remember to hold onto the good times.

Here’s a picture of my children not fighting. It happens more often than I think!peaceOur minds have a habit of remembering pain more than serenity.

 

The Body You Want

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When my wife was a teenager, she really wanted curves.

coach_monsyThings worked out.

My teenage desires were different, but common. I wanted to be jacked.

gordo_crunchThat worked out too.

By the time we both got exactly what we wanted, we wanted something else.

We wanted to be whippet skinny so we could run fast.

We wanted to look like tall, but ripped, 14-year-olds!

G_WhipThat worked out, again.

I spent twenty-five years only to get right back where I started.

I noticed that there is an enduring feeling of my body being slightly unsatisfactory.

Once I noticed this pattern with my body, I saw it elsewhere.

Personal safety, other people’s driving, my house, my finances, my life situation… In many situations, there is a slight feeling of unsatisfactory.

I’m always striving to attain satisfaction that’s is just-out-of-reach.

As a young man, I might have seen striving as a good thing. My drive for improvement, my competitive urges, a desire for self-improvement… we have lots of names for the feeling.

Some cultures call it misery.

See what it feels like for you.

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When I work with others, we use a simple technique.

  • Write down what will make you satisfied.
  • Write down what will make you less afraid.
  • Write down what will make you feel secure.

Out of your list, choose one thing and work towards it.

Work slowly, pay attention, write things down.

Give yourself at least 1,000 days.

Ten years might be better.

You might get there quicker.

With my body, I didn’t start to notice my pattern until I’d been at it for twenty-five years!

With finances, I was lucky, I saw my pattern after a decade, took a leave of absence and enjoyed my first retirement.

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The fact that the lesson took a long time was helpful.

Good things happen slowly.

It’s tempting to short cut the process via cosmetic surgery, performance enhancing drugs, or cutting corners (fraud, tax evasion, deception).

Short-cuts rarely work because we fail to notice the slightly unsatisfactory feeling is following us everywhere,

My victories didn’t work, either. My successes left me wanting more and the feeling followed me around.

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So I tried enjoying myself…

Pleasure can temporarily mask the unsatisfactory feeling and many use drugs, alcohol, fatigue and other techniques.

The trouble is… the associated hangovers are increasingly unsatisfactory as I age.

What to do?

If you can see the unsatisfactory nature of things then you might ask “who’s not satisfied?”

Once I could see the “unsatisfied person” it was easier for me to decide he wasn’t going to run the show.

At least, some of the time.

😉

What I Know But Cannot Prove

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sxm_beachI came across a finance blog asking about the limits of statistical proof in the world of investing.

It reminded me of an old surgeon who shared, “Half of what I learned in med school turned out to be wrong.”

So I ask you…

What do YOU know but can’t prove?

You may talk about your faith.

But for me, the lesson runs deeper.

What is the ONE thing of which I can be certain but can’t prove?

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I start by asking myself, what did my grandparents believe that we now know is false?

I came up with smoking and trans fats. You’ll probably get a more exciting list!

Anyhow, the lesson isn’t to switch margarine brands…

The lesson is to be skeptical with my own beliefs.

I can be certain that some of what I now know will turn out to be incorrect for my grandchildren.

However, I can’t prove which of my current facts are incorrect.

I can only be certain that some of my knowledge is wrong.

So I should be careful when I find wise people on both sides of an issue.

I might be best served by acting as if they were both right.

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This article influenced by Russell: Sceptical Essays (first edition 1928!).

The Lindy Effect is a good way to sort knowledge. The longer an idea lives, the greater its life expectancy.

What Can Go Right

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NYE_2014Above is a picture of my beautiful wife at a New Year’s Eve party in the French West Indies. Strangely, quite a bit had to go wrong for us to enjoy this evening.

Last year at this time I had ZERO idea that event was possible.

If you struggle to shake your fears about what can go wrong then here’s an exercise to help you remain open to what can go right.

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Before your next date night, couple’s retreat or family gathering. Spend a little time asking yourself:

What can go right in my life? 

What I did was take some paper, turned it sideways and wrote two headings…

What Can Go Right // Related Questions

The topics I considered:

  • Asset Appreciation
  • Asset Sales
  • Time Allocation
  • Continuous Education
  • Expense/Income Balance
  • Family Health
  • New Friends and Family
  • Improved Traits

Considering the details opened up some interesting questions:

  • Should we trade out of luxury and low-return assets?
  • Reallocate capital and time towards opportunities for shared experiences?
  • What projects provide the opportunity for family members to work together?
  • What do we want to study?
  • Who is the best person to teach us?
  • Where is a fun venue for instruction?
  • What role does family play in health?
  • What traits are desirable to attract into the family?
  • How can we promote these traits in ourselves?

To hold myself accountable, I highlighted three traits that would make me more effective: be more fun; handle kid noise better; and react more slowly.

In my case, being fun is characterized by being open to new experiences and handling change.

Last year, we did the opposite exercise => What can go wrong => I might be “a little too good” at that kind of brainstorming!

Interestingly, the “wrong list” is full of external events and the “right list” is filled with items that are within our control.

This brought up an essential question…

Am I worried about the right things?