Tag Archives: habits

Living The Plantpower Way

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2015-05-03 18.22.19Rich Roll and Julie Piatt have a new book, The Plantpower Way.

I loved it.

The book reflects a way of life Rich & Julie are seeking to bring to their marriage and family.

At it’s heart, “The Way” is similar to what I’m seeking to offer my own family.

However, my home life doesn’t involve tranquil meals after a serene afternoon shopping at the local farmer’s market…

So, I caught myself muttering there’s no way their life’s like that…

Then I started laughing.

I was laughing because their reality doesn’t matter and, like Rich, my reality is far removed from the craziness of years past.

The book is filled with proven advice:

  • Plants are a foundation of nutritional health
  • Weight management is linked to veggie consumption
  • To get your family to eat better, involve your spouse/kids in menu selection and food preparation
  • Be the (nutritional) change you want to see in the world (and your home)

If you’re already preparing meals then this is a must-have resource. The recipes are simple, quick to prepare and taste great.

If you’re not preparing meals then start by creating a habit of eating real food. After 20 years of better choices, I arrived at three basic meals. Nutritional liberation doesn’t require complexity.

If, like me, you find yourself intimidated by the thought of 100% compliance then remember weak implementation of plant-based nutrition offers strong results. 

Rich did an AMA that lays out the basics of his philosophy. His humility, tolerance and lack of dogma shine through. It’s a refreshing read.

Practicalities:

  • Double all the recipes – Whenever I fire up the stove, I want to get four to five days worth of whatever I’m cooking. Actually, my wife’s been doing the cooking. You’ll need someone to take the lead in your home.
  • It is not about the goji berries – health benefits flow from replacing sugar/starch with veggies. You can be plantpower’d via CostCo.
  • What’s your goal? What are you seeking to achieve in your life?
    • Weight management? Focus on cranking up the veggies
    • Emotional stability? Be the good in the world
    • Fame? Focus on goodness under your own roof
    • Serenity? Focus on relentless simplification

Understand why you are motivated to make-the-change.

If you can transcend your (food) choices then you will have a roadmap to apply throughout your life. Letting go (of animal products) may be similar to releasing ourselves from other habits.

It takes courage to live an open life.

Respect to Rich & Julie.

Send Prayers Not Panic

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flowersMy daughter broke her arm in April. The mini-crisis provided me with a case study in how we cope with stress.

Here’s a typical conversation:

Friend: I’m so glad she’s OK, I couldn’t sleep the night that I heard the news.
G: Your reaction is what I expected. You know, I wonder if the most compassionate thing to do is let situations resolve themselves and not trigger a massive wave of worry through the community. Worry is a distraction from what matters.

Friend: What about prayer? I believe in the power of prayer to help heal Lexi.
G: So do I, and thank you for your prayer. However, looking deeper, was it prayer that kept you up at night? For every prayer we received, I felt so much worry. I don’t think the worry is productive.

In fact, I have seen situations where not communicating with someone triggers anger (because they were denied the opportunity to worry on my behalf).

It’s an interesting conundrum.

I’ve been watching a similar pattern play out, on a larger scale, with the health of Thich Nhat Hanh, one of the greatest teachers of my lifetime. During the small crisis in our family, I followed the lead of this larger community.

I focused on getting expert support for my daughter.

Within my inner circle, I let people express themselves fully, answered their questions and followed up to address their concerns.

…and life continued onwards.

Correction Without Resentment

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2015-04-01 16.55.13

A coach is someone who can give correction without causing resentment.

— John Wooden

Coach Wooden hits the nail on the head. Looking deeper, I ask myself, as the corrector, “What am I seeking to achieve here?”

Constant correction, mostly non-verbalized, floats through my head.

Criticism, dissatisfaction, endless tweaking and optimization… what purpose does it serve?

What is the source of this correction?

  • Is it habit?
  • Is it altruism?
  • Is it a desire to alleviate the pain I see from watching you suffer?

Too often, my correction-by-habit makes my family suffer.

Sit quietly in a room full of children. Notice two things…

  • How little the master teachers correct.
  • How much the novice parents correct.

The frazzled parents beg for the children to listen.

When I catch myself, I slow down to see if the situation will resolve itself.

It’s humbling to realize how much of the distraction I create by hurrying.

How do the masters get through to us…

  • Fix myself first
  • Shared laughter
  • Wait until asked
  • Keep it short

When I am tempted to carpet bomb my Facebook feed, I remind myself that the world is filled with good people, particularly in the homes of my enemies. What might those good people need from me?

Share a laugh, keep it short and remember…

…the important stuff happens under my own roof.

Elder, Mentor, Adviser

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foxy_ladyMy youth, my 20s and my 30s were characterized by a lack of charm.

Fortunately, I had some habits that smoothed the waves I left in my wake!

What habits smooth relationships?

  • I’m on time
  • I do what’s asked of me
  • When I can’t do something I tell you
  • I express myself clearly

If we invert those points then we arrive at a list that will ensure you move away from success…

Chronically late, inability to complete simple tasks, no/slow replies and indirect communication.

+++

About clear communication… it takes trust to have the courage to speak clearly and directly.

It also takes emotional depth to be able to receive honest feedback.

Two things that I’m working on here:

  • Be conscious of my effect on the world
  • Stop when I am triggered and search inwards, rather than attack outwards

+++

I was chatting with a member of my family council about the best fiduciary we know.

What makes our friend outstanding?

It’s not his capacity to execute, his technical knowledge or his connections => all of these are excellent.

He has three characteristics that are rare to find in a highly competent individual:

  1. The ability to sit, listen and observe
  2. The capacity to entertain points of view that are outside his preference and training
  3. A willingness to inconvenience himself to do the right thing.

+++

I’ll share with you that my idea of active listening is forcing my mouth shut while I struggle to hold a list of “to do” items in my head. When a gap appears in the conversation, these pour out of me.

Like me, you might be prone to the mistaken belief that you have to fix every thing you touch.

My friend, a world-class non-executive director, is effective by listening, considering alternatives and being open to small acts of assistance.

Beyond Positive Addiction

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rainbowPopular culture is filled with inspirational stories about people leaving the darkness of negative habits by shifting towards a positive addiction.

If you make the change, and awaken the giant within, then you may find a huge source of energy.

With this burst of energy, you will start to attract people as well as “what you think you need.”

This isn’t wishy-washy philosophy. It’s how the world works – positive results flow from positive actions.

Consider a charismatic leader, especially those with a dark backstory, and note their ability to attract what they want.

Students, wealthy clients, groupies, money, notoriety… all of these flowed (on a small scale, thankfully) as I tapped into my positive addictions.

At this point, there is a trap waiting for us.

The trap is thinking that embracing a positive addiction is The Way.

A more accurate description is embracing a positive addiction can be an effective way to shift self-destructive habits.

But what next?

If we’re not careful then we might become a guru of positive addiction!

Which might work, until it doesn’t work.

When life starts to fray, our addiction will remind us that we run the risk of returning to our old life. It might say… you must continue along the path of positive addiction or you’ll slide back towards obesity, sloth and alcoholism!

After 20 years of better choices, I’m starting to realize that my fears don’t fit the facts.

What to do?

Continue the path of self-improvement by releasing the grip of my positive addictions:

  • Competition
  • Vanity
  • Greed
  • External Validation
  • Emotional Pain

Allow myself to consider the alternative of gently letting go of habits that don’t seem to be working any more.

When more ceases to work, consider trying less.

Too Kind Too Generous

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ax_and_bellaHow do you deal with someone telling you that you’re too kind or too generous?

What if the person telling you is your inner voice?!

I wasn’t sure how to handle, so I went for a bike ride to consider my alternatives.

Riding along, I laughed when I realized that people never tell me that I’m too kind to them, only too kind to others.

A little later, I laughed again when I realized that I seem to have everyone fooled. My too-kind-too-generous strategy is solely in my self interest.

So, rather than get grumpy. A better reaction is to share that…

You are a good person.

Remember that my capacity to help another person isn’t limited to them. It’s how I treat you.

+++

I looked a little deeper and considered the times where I felt that life was giving someone else too much of a good thing.

These feelings are related to the difficulty that I can have with other people’s success and happiness.

I realized my criticism was flowing from a fear that there wasn’t enough for me.

+++

I’ll end with a song that my son learned when he was two-years old.

The song is called Magic Penny and this is my favorite part…

Love is something if you give it away,
Give it away, give it away.
Love is something if you give it away,
You end up having more.

It’s just like a magic penny,
Hold it tight and you won’t have any. 
Lend it, spend it, and you’ll have so many
They’ll roll all over the floor.

My children are excellent teachers.

Wealth Habits – Aspirational Spending

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bunny_gGrowing up the following fell somewhere between normal and aspirational:

  • Private education from Pre-K through Graduate School
  • Winter ski vacations
  • Summers spent at a waterfront cottage
  • International trips to tropical and European destinations
  • Two family cars, bought new, every five years
  • A walk-in closet filled with wonderful clothes and shoes
  • A garage packed with the finest sports equipment

Depending on where you live, you are signing up for $3,000,000 to $20,000,000 of aspirational spending.

…and you haven’t bought a bag of groceries!

Is there another way?

Save half of your after-tax income until you have ten years living expenses banked.

Then cut your living expenses and work part-time, so you can…

  • Spend thousands of hours with each of your kids before they graduate high school
  • Live where you don’t need to leave
  • Encourage your family to actively participate inside your community, and outside your demographic
  • Cultivate inexpensive passions (mine are reading, writing, forest walking and cycling)
  • Share simple, local experiences with your spouse (love, holding hands, serenity)

Time & health.

True wealth.

True luxury.

My Five Best Friends

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mountain_axIf you ask me what being a father is like then I might share that it is often horrible.

However, if you ask me to describe my life then I would assure you that it is wonderful.

I might follow this realization by making an attribution error of…

  1. horrible = kids
  2. wonderful = myself

I don’t think that I’m the only one making this mistake.

What’s actually happening inside my head when I’m feeling “horrible?”

Horrible doesn’t happen until I’m stretched and decide to label my fatigue.

If I am rested then parenting is fatiguing. I become tired by the effort required to improve myself.

Perhaps, I am creating habits that make the not-horrible aspects of my life wonderful?

I’m not sure, we all love a good story and I might be fooling myself.

For the last five years, I have been working on:

  • De-escalation
  • Yield Whenever Possible
  • Not-response
  • Redirection
  • Say What You Want To Have Happen

Other than the last point, parenting hasn’t come naturally to me. Taking stock, I ask myself…

  • Which emotional states did I reinforce today?
  • How do the people that are close to me make me feel?
  • Who is creating these feelings?

Change and Couples

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balloon_hatI was riding with a buddy and he shared…

I’ve been the same guy since she married me. I don’t understand why she keeps expecting me to change.

I had no idea about my pal’s marriage so I shared my opinion of our relationship…

Well, you’re a good guy and I’m grateful for everything that you’ve taught me.

Later, I realized that I’ve been on both sides of the conversation many times.

The thoughts, of the husband AND the wife, happen so often they are a habit of mine.

My habit isn’t useful.

Here’s what I’ve learned about personal change.

When I’m resisting a person that knows me well, it is because there is a conflict between (a) the truth of what they are saying; and (b) what I think will make me happy.

An example from my past was a belief that a life of constant exercise and extreme nutrition would make me happy. This was true, until it wasn’t. When it wasn’t true any more, somebody pointing out that my family might benefit from an engaged father, more than a top athlete, could have triggered resistance in me.

An even more simple example would be if my wife pointed out that eating Pad Thai and drinking beer, didn’t appear to make me happier than eating salad and drinking tea!

In the above two examples, I figured things out for myself but there must be other areas where I continue to fool myself.

I pay attention because there is no trigger without truth.

++

Now, the other side of the conversation.

Placing my personal happiness in another person’s capacity to change is foolish.

First, because what I think changes from moment-to-moment!

Second, because when I pay attention to what causes true happiness within me… it has nothing to do with “you changing”, and everything to do with my own choices.

Easy to say, tough to realize.

The way I figured out the above, was to make my desires real by playing “I’ll be happy when…”

  • Write down everything that will make me happy (once and for all) 🙂
  • Compare my happy-list to what’s happening when I’m really happy
  • Realize that I am constantly fooling myself

Teach my folly.

 

Mommy Fatigue

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As a triathlon coach, I warned my athletes about the risks of dumb-ass fatigue. I would encourage them to get tired the right way and eliminate habits of pointless fatigue.

Recently, I was at my son’s school for community night. Given that it would be rude to say “dumb-ass” in a room filled with preschool parents, I needed to tailor my language for the audience.

The fatigue in mothers appears deeper than what I experience as a father.

Mommy fatigue reminds me of man flu, which is something that must be experienced to be believed.

I believe you and I wanted to help the community.

So I asked a question…

Do I perform better when I am exhausted?

I shared my experience…

The most fatiguing period of my adult life was spending 1,000 days constantly carrying around the problems of fatherhood. I thought about my problems 24/7 and it was exhausting.

I offered an antidote…

It was impossible for me to transcend my thought habits.

It has proven to be far easier to replace my habits with something useful.

When you find yourself fixated on your problems, pull out your Facebook feed and meditate on pictures that make you feel happy.

Close your eyes and breathe in that happiness.

When your problems reappear, close your eyes for a moment and breathe some happiness into them.

I shared my fatherhood goals…

I realized that aiming for perfection was making me miserable.

My kids don’t need perfection from me.

How should I define achievable success?

Don’t retaliate.

Stick with it.

Aim low, keep improving and we will end up better than we ever expected.