Building Bridges

Posted on April 4, 2016 by Gordo Byrn

A few years back, I identified my relationship with my daughter as an area that had the potential to greatly improve my life. At the time, I was devoting excessive energy to her via worry and stress. She was always in my mind, even when I was away from her.

How can we reduce the impact of our not-helpful obsessions within our minds?

I use two techniques:

Be kind and generous to as many people as possible – lots of tiny actions
Express the same habit, directly, to the person with whom I want to improve my relationship

Now, it’s important to bear in mind that it only takes one person to torpedo a relationship. So I might not be successful.

That’s OK – “success” isn’t my goal.

If the goal isn’t “success” then what is it?

Take a minute and consider what your words to your children indicate about your definition of success.

When I’m stressed, my words might indicate a desire for compliance, quiet and solitude. Is that what my family really needs?

Those same desires can be satisfied via personal, internal serenity within whatever relationship I have with people.

What’s this have to do with the “one-on-one” trip?

Taking the toughest member of the family on a road trip was a way to “step up” within my household. I’ve been taking my oldest on the road since she could walk.

My young children have a simple agenda with me…”do stuff with Dad.”

It’s simple, but not easy.

It’s not easy because “dad” has a preference for strong coffee and exercising uphill. I also like to be left alone to read, write and think.

To do fatherhood “right.” I have to make the commitment to be with my child, on the child’s terms.

A habit of service spills over into other aspects of my life, for example my marriage.

Just me and the child
Focus on doing things the kid likes
Never more than three nights away
If the kid is awake then my agenda is put to one side

Truth be told, the trips started as a way to get my Alpha Child out of the house. The fact that I ended up with better relationships with everyone was an unexpected bonus from seven years of sticking with it.

Non Financial Aspects of Estate Planning

Posted on March 28, 2016 by Gordo Byrn

A friend asked me to give this talk to his firm, but I prefer to write short articles. 😉

When families talk about estate planning the discussion can center around cash flow, assets and tax minimization. While those topics need to be sorted, dollar-centric living can lead to regret.

If you apply last week’s tips about family leadership, you might discover certain realities about financial wealth.

Namely…

The highest use of an asset lies in its capacity to enable better choices…

flexibility to allocate time towards shared experiences
the ability to control one’s schedule
the opportunity to tag along when other people are doing what they enjoy
health in the context of body, mind and spirit

+++

Cash flow without education, connection and meaning can be a negative. Examples are the challenges faced by lottery winners, professional athletes and young, highly paid professionals.

With cash flow, I would go further and point out that excess family cash flow will ultimately be consumed by the least responsible adults in a family system.

You might tell yourself that you are “doing it for the kids” but the money ends up being blown by someone’s aunt or uncle.

What to do?

In your lifetime, use money to acquire time.
Share time with people you wish to influence with your values. Be the brand.
Remember that it’s better to earn, and spend, our own way in life. It’s what you did.
Have a bias towards “assets used for shared experiences,” rather than cash flow.

Ask the question, How do I wish to be remembered?

Be that person, today.

+++

Shared experiences, both positive and negative, bridge generations across time.

As a child, I had four grandparents and three great-grandparents. Of my childhood elders, only one made the transition into my children’s consciousness. The elder that bridged across did so because my daughter and I were involved in her end of life care.

Love, not money, is what travels across time.

Family Leadership

Posted on March 21, 2016 by Gordo Byrn

I’ve written about the concept of the good-enough parent — a combination of showing up and not retaliating. It is a simple strategy but quite challenging in the face of a disgruntled preschooler!

Seven years in, I’ve managed to make non-retaliation a habit. If you are still working on it then remember to practice all-the-time…

Yield in traffic and queues
Breathe into tension
Slow down

New habits are most easily created when we are capable of self-control — away from the kids, in low stress environments.

I’ve been at it for over 15 years.

+++

What’s next?

I’ll start by sharing what’s definitely not next.

A habit of constant correction will make you, and everyone in your house, miserable.

An easy way to make this visible… track your positive-to-negative interactions with your kids, spouse and friends.

Another way… ask a close friend… When I talk about myself, what do I say?

If this is an area for improvement then it’s already obvious to everyone around you.

It was shocking when I did this with my oldest. I became so aware of my error in approach that you can get a quick rise out of me by constantly correcting her in my presence.

Correcting less, in ALL areas of my life.

+++

What about next-level positive habits?

De-escalation – become skillful in draining the energy out of situations.

Most of us didn’t grow up in an environment that taught us these skills.

Becoming an effective family leader will require education, motivation and daily practice.

Two things helped me here:

learning the methods of outstanding preschool teachers – if they can teach preschoolers to de-escalate then they can certainly teach us!
reading the secular writings of spiritual masters

Opening To Experience – the most valuable experiences shared with my family serve no purpose, other than sharing an experience with my family.

Often, my shared experiences are activities that I would not choose for myself. Recent examples, collecting sea shells, swim races, downhill skiing and art shopping.

Most of the leadership we were shown as children was about saying “no.”

Constantly being told what not to do.

Consider becoming the embodiment of what to do.

Is it any wonder many of us rebelled and left as soon as we could?!

Is it any wonder that many of us continue to hold resentments about events, and people, that haven’t existed for 20, 30 or 40 years?

To break this cycle, I say “yes” as much as possible. Yes to beachcombing. Yes to downhill skiing. Yes to painting. Yes to card games.

Stay open to experience.

Stay open to love.

Food, Sex and Money

Posted on November 2, 2015 by Gordo Byrn

This week, I am holding down the fort (with a lot of help) and my wife’s away on a retreat.

She’s spending time with a bunch of smart ladies, most of whom are slightly older than herself. It’s an environment similar to the camping trip that I wrote about.

Before she headed off, I made the following observation…

If you listen closely then you’ll hear most minds focusing on food, sex and money.

Taken together, they are an influence strategy that you’ll see reflected in most scandals.

This coming week, you have a unique opportunity to tap into the life experience of older women, who understand the life heading your way.

Why don’t you ask them what to expect, what they learned and how best to cope with the inevitable changes of the next 15 years.

Love you, babe.

Deciding Who’s To Blame

Posted on October 26, 2015 by Gordo Byrn

Today’s picture is my seven-year old sharing her birthday candles with her siblings.

Watching unconditional sharing in my oldest child showed me that I am not seeing things as they are.

My daughter has far more kindness than I perceive.

Listen to people discuss their difficulties and you’ll hear about the shortcomings of others.

How I can counter my tendency to fool myself within my key relationships?

Acknowledge stress – illness, injury, financial hardship, noise, lack of sleep – when I am under duress, I’m much more likely to “blame” people, rather than owning situations.

A house filled with little people is a stressful situation, certainly if you’re not used to it. Be watchful that you don’t form a negative view of others, simply because you’re under duress.

Slow down – stress, combined with rushing, is my optimal state for making mistakes!

I can cut my error rate in half with well-placed pauses and noticing when I am holding my breath.

How often do you hold your breath? In what circumstances?

As I coach, I would teach cyclists to corner better by breathing-through-the-turns.

Like a nervous athlete descending a mountain road, we might not realize when we are holding our breath.

Change externals – When I am falling out with people, consider if “people” are the problem.

If I want to make things work with an individual then focus on frequent small actions to reduce their stress.

With every person I see (especially my internal life), what is the scorecard of negative vs positive interactions?

A simple way to improve my interactions with others is to improve my own attitude.

What kinds of emotional fingerprints do I leave?

Go deep – remember that it’s rarely about what it’s about.

External circumstances and basic needs drive most of our behaviors. What’s the unmet need that’s driving this behavior?

When you get the hang of manipulating others with the above… 😉

…then you can tweak your key relationships

…and, perhaps, yourself

Survival Tips For A Sad Parent

Posted on September 28, 2015 by Gordo Byrn

A father with two young children asks, “Is there anything you could recommend to make my family life less awful?”

I can’t wave a wand and make it enjoyable. However, I take comfort in the knowledge that there are many people that enjoy young children.

Let’s start with some tips for maintaining your personal sanity and your marriage.

Perspective

Listening to parents talk about their kids, and the scars of their own childhoods, it’s universally reported that little kids are challenging people to live alongside.

My current experience is one day out of ten is very tough. If I want to get dramatic, then I can extrapolate to 40 days a year that are awful… more than a month a year in suffering!

However, if I look deeply then it is closer to 100 hours a year, and I’m with my kids a lot.

Looking even deeper… I break it down to a couple “moments” each day where I need to resist my urge to retaliate and settle a sensation of internal panic.

Five years ago, it was closer to ten “moments” a day, and I spent far less time with the kids.

It’s important to recognize the positive trend line in our lives.

So what seems like constant bedlam (to my remembering self) is, more accurately, twenty moments a week when I need to be skillful, or simply not make the situation worse!

A Hard Truth

From the time your oldest turns two until your youngest enters first grade — it’s not about you.

If you were the prettiest girl in high school, the captain of your varsity sports team, or the highest achiever in your firm then this reality will come as a shock.

I understand that you are shocked by your situation.

I was also shocked.

We should both set a date to get over it.

Your kids are going to present you with an opportunity to become better than you are.

Take the opportunity because a self-serving attitude will become one of the key regrets of your life.

Ask around.

All We Have Is Time

Most of the pain I felt in the early years had to do with a conflict of choice => further external validation versus doing what’s best for my family.

So I jettisoned the easy stuff – anything that cost significant time and money – went.

What has worked is redirecting the additional spending towards childcare that enables me to spend time with my spouse and alone (in nature, in silence).

You might find it tempting to let your spouse get overwhelmed – losing health, embracing addiction, breaking down mentally.

Make a pact that you won’t let each other go that far. The kids will grow up and neither of you will want to be married to that sort of person.

What You Control

What changes can I make to offer my family a better version of myself?

Say no to non-core
Practice not-response

I work on a small scale and life consistently gets better.

Give A Minute

Posted on September 8, 2015 by Gordo Byrn

A simple way to reduce the noise in your head.

When you can feel yourself closing off,
or anger rising,
or have been asked to do something that you’re rather not…

…give a minute

When my kids aren’t listening to me…
or I think they aren’t complying…
or they are arguing with each other…

…give a minute

By giving bits of time, I immediately removed half the conflict out my life and was able to leave the past, in the past.

It’s wonderful.

You are going to tell yourself that you don’t have the time to give a minute.

I can feel rushed as well.

Perhaps you can start small.

I started by giving seconds away when driving.

Yield.

If you start then pay attention.

Pay attention to what happens after.

By giving time I feel less pain.

Yes, I am a little slower when we are together but this is more than compensated by peace of mind when we are apart.

You’ll be surprised at how little time it takes to transform yourself.

Stay open.

Alpha Child

Posted on August 31, 2015 by Gordo Byrn

If you have a high-energy youngster living under your roof then this might prove helpful.

The first thing I remind myself is there’s nothing, and no one, to fix. My kids are happy and the feedback from the outside world is positive.

+++

I ask myself, “With this child, what’s my role?”

My role is to avoid becoming the problem.

Which implies…

taking care of my sleep, my body, my mind and my habits
ensuring that I get enough silent time (alone and in nature)
steering away from the urge for revenge, aggression and anger

Ideas!

All Day Engagement – a bored alpha child makes everyone miserable, including herself. While some kids can putter and amuse themselves (see below), our oldest does best with a structured day with unstructured breaks.

Ritual & Routine – from birth, my wife has done an excellent job of conditioning the kids to relax when their heads are wrapped in a soft cotton blanket. It works so well that our oldest will resist when she doesn’t want to relax. Ritual and routine are soothing to an anxious child.

Parent Like Dora – if you’ve watched Dora the Explorer then you’ll know that each show features three steps.

To give my kids something to latch onto, I’m always explaining the next three steps…

Dinner, Bike, Shower
Bath, Pajamas, Story
Socks, Shoes, Car

Spread The Energy – I use high chairs, assigned seating, cold drinks and air conditioning to reduce stress when we’re packed together.

For drives, my Sienna is set up with staggered seating so the kids can’t whack each other. Throwing things in the car is highly frowned upon!
As they develop, we find that different kids push our buttons. To dial down the house, I’ll take a little “disrupter” on a trip. The trips last anywhere from an an afternoon to a week. Sometimes I take more than one kid.

Do you know your parenting preference?

Mine is a shared activity with one person – I sign up for that a lot.

+++

It’s proven much easier to change my attitude, habits and approach than the core personality traits of my children.

Be Skillful.

A Young 46

Posted on July 20, 2015 by Gordo Byrn

Somewhere beyond your 30th birthday the world might begin to tell you that you look young for your age.

If you say this to me, I might smile and reply, “This is what 46 looks like.”

Likewise, many people say… “but I don’t feel my age.” To them I note, that’s what your age feels like.

They might follow that up with… “I wonder what 50, or even 75, is going to feel like?”

It’s going to feel like right now.

+++

The practice of accepting my age helps me accept all phases of life…

The overtired toddler
The anxious teen
The sociopathic 20-something
The fearful cancer patient
The crabby elder
The grieving spouse

If we are fortunate to live a long life then we will move through most these phases of experience. At midlife, they surround me.

If we happen to be “young for our age” then it might take a few more years for us to arrive at the phase where we “look old.” But it’s coming.

So I will try to enjoy this day and I will try to accept whatever day you are going through.

And when I am scared, or angry, or tired…

I’ll pause, try not to pass it on and remember to live as best I can.

Unmet Needs

Posted on July 8, 2015 by Gordo Byrn

I have many traits that can lead to poor outcomes:

I’m prone to hurry
I overestimate my capacity to impact external situations
I have a bias towards action
I’m stressed by noise and crowds

All of the above, work against my ability to help people and can lead to misery.

To get along better with others, I’ve started asking myself:

What’s the unmet need that’s driving this behavior?

Here’s a link to my article about how to help others: quiet presence, listen without knowing and compassionate action.

With my kids, I’ve noticed that most anti-social behavior stems from six sources:

Hunger – lack of food
Thirst – lack of drink
Sleep – lack of recovery
Boredom – lack of engagement
Need For Compassion – lack of connection
Habit / Temperament

The above are easy to spot in babies, toddlers and preschoolers.

Once you can see them in your kids, try to feel them in yourself. Through self-awareness, you may start to see what drives the behavior of people around you.

The antisocial effects of hunger, thirst, sleep and boredom are why I resist changes to the underlying routine of my life: train AM/PM, eat/drink real food, sleep in a cool room, read and write.

I have a desire to be effective in all my relationships.

Do you?

If you don’t that’s OK. I certainly didn’t care about anyone other than myself for long periods of my adult life. If you don’t care then own it.

My difficulties with people make sense when viewed from the lens that I didn’t care and had significant unmet needs (health, exercise, solitude, nature).

Own my needs.

Address my needs.

Slowly, I have the capacity to focus outside myself.

How to meet that need for connection?

Put my phone down
Relax my inner experience with a two slow breaths
Listen, without knowing, until the person has spoken fully
Smile, nod and comment about an area of agreement

This works magic. The entire cycle takes less than a minute.

Connection is the solution.

Feel The Byrn

Fitness, Family, Finances

Tag Archives: marriage

Building Bridges

Non Financial Aspects of Estate Planning

Family Leadership

Food, Sex and Money

Deciding Who’s To Blame

Survival Tips For A Sad Parent

Give A Minute

Alpha Child

A Young 46

Unmet Needs

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this:

Share this: