Tag Archives: family values

Seeking Truth, Enduring Pain

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SXMMy favorite quote on pain comes from a champion athlete, Dave Scott.

Dave was giving a talk the day before an Ironman triathlon and was asked, “How do you deal with the pain of racing?”

His reply…

First of all, it’s not pain, it’s managed discomfort

Along the same vein, I heard Dave’s rival (Mark Allen) share the advice that…

To achieve a result, you need to be willing to accept whatever is required to get to the result

Many people confuse pain, with the process.

Others, incorrectly, believe that they can achieve a meaningful life without having to endure discomfort.

Plan => Do Work => Recover & Evaluate

Plan => Do Work => Recover & Evaluate

Plan => Do Work => Recover & Evaluate

The discomfort comes within the process. Specifically, with identifying, and addressing, our shortcomings and beliefs that prevent success.

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What’s the opposite of “seeking truth, enduring pain?”

Lies and pleasure?

I don’t think so.

Think about a situation where someone “can’t handle the truth.”

What do you receive from them when you probe the truth?

Fear and anger

These are “negative” emotions but useful to point the way towards truth.

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The ability to see the world clearly requires a commitment towards radical honesty within our own lives.

If I can’t see the truth within myself, I’ll constantly be fooling myself with others.

So…

When I feel fear and anger, I know that I am on to something.

I might be close to an area that’s holding back clear thinking.

Seek the truth beyond the triggers.

Book Recommendation along these lines is Ray Dalio’s Principles – available as a free PDF.

What I Learned Last Year

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biscottiTwo themes have dominated my goals for the last couple of years: my relationship with my eldest daughter and my finances.

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Kids – my daughter worked herself out, no input from me. I didn’t change her nature, I accepted it, and we enjoyed the inevitable progression from preschooler to school-age girl.

For my pals with kids – avoid abandonment and retaliation – everything else is details.

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Optimism is the only worldview borne out by the facts.

At the end of 2008, I wrote-off 65% of my family balance sheet, was unemployed, owned a loss-making business and was facing civil liability relating to large-scale fraud.

You may have forgotten but everything we were reading was doom and gloom. In reality, that was one of the most useful periods of my life because I was forced to face the gross inefficiency of my spending choices.

The changes that result from earlier setbacks lead to an appreciation of a more simple life and I’ve continued to strip away non-core activities.

My wife is stumped when asked, “What does Gordo do?”

I enjoy my life and serve my family

Act in the spirit of service to the people that love you.

Act as if things will work out.

Keep simplifying.

Free yourself to spend time on what matters.

For the pessimist in your head that likes to point out that we’re all dead in the long run… be wary of overstating your importance in the world.

My death will be a setback for a few people but it won’t change the positive trajectory of history. I will play my role then hand off to the younger generation.

There will be tears and that’s OK.

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Human Capital & Family Finances

What can each of us bring to our families, and communities?

Strong relationships built on mutual respect and strengthened via self-improvement.

Six years ago, I was left with a home and cash assets. With interest rates moving towards 200-year lows, I realized that I had to be invested. I made an error by going all-in with real estate. Why an error?

  • I was geographically concentrated – the bulk of the portfolio was within two miles of each other.
  • I invested too much – I failed to understand the short-term cash needs of my young family, which arrived in 2008/2011/2012.
  • Each asset represented many years of living expenses – lumpy assets are inefficient when you’re moving towards retirement.
  • Real estate takes a long time to sell. With a traditional portfolio, a gradual sell down is easier to achieve.

My purchases had a margin of safety and I was able to trade my way out of the situation – 4 out of 8 addresses have been sold. Start to finish, it will take 8-10 years for me to change my asset allocation. Our family financial structure gave me time to make the change, we earned income, and we had exposure to asset appreciation.

Time worked things out – we did well but so did all others that were invested from 2009 to 2014.

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The final lesson – I am greedy in irrational ways. I can soothe my ego by noting that my flaws are widely shared.

I am susceptible to the Endowment Effect. I overvalue what I have – my wife had to force me to sell our old house, I wanted to hold out.

I overvalue future desires. I’m constantly fooling myself that MORE will make a difference.

My antidote:

  • Write down my desires (steam shower, truck, boat, kitchen appliances, vacations, clothes, car, office, ski chalet) then wait and let desire pass
  • Make the wealth cost of “more” both painful and visible
  • Note the choices that create my best days (train AM/PM, help someone, learn, write, teach, spend time with my wife, under scheduled)
  • Spend money to create true luxuries (childcare, time to think, time to learn)
  • Schedule my happiness essentials (time in nature, time with my wife, quiet time to think)

Keep it simple:

  1. Notice the good in life
  2. Write good things down
  3. Do more good things

The Season of Giving

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3_kidsI’ve been reviewing next year’s family budget. There are four categories where I have a lot of discretion: donations, date nights, couple retreats and vacations.

Donations/Gifting: Halfway through year, it was looking like I would have to borrow to maintain my preferred gifting rate. I hate borrowing so I cut the budget in half.

Late in the year, we sold our house and I was able to hit our original goal.

It wasn’t until I played The Dollar Game that I started to understand the physiological and psychological benefits of being open to other people.

I like having a formal budget. I never have to consider if I can “afford” to be open to another person. I know that I can always help someone, at least a little bit. As well, when I feel that I’ve been ripped off, I tell myself that the money came out of my gifting allocation and I move on.

Vacations: For a long time, I’ve wanted to ride my bike to the top of Haleakala in Maui. At an elevation of 10,023 feet, the volcano is a biggie.

So I added a Maui vacation to my 2015 budget.

When I ran the numbers for airfare, childcare, condo rental… climbing the volcano was going to cost me close to $1 per vertical foot.

My Colorado price per vertical foot is a penny!

If my goal is satisfaction and a life with meaning… is the Maui trip the best use of the money?

Does short-term luxury lead to satisfaction across a year? Maybe if I take a lot of pictures!

I made a list of alternatives…

  • Get 2,000 $5 notes and play a massive $5 version of The Dollar Game – gets rid of my worry that a dollar isn’t enough to help – that’s a big stack of cash
  • Sponsor 100 people for The Dollar Game – I ruled that one out because the effect doesn’t seem to work with someone else’s money
  • Build 15 homes in the developing world
  • Overtip all year – feel like a big shot – own the fact that my desire to climb the volcano is the ego-picture from the summit
  • Sponsor a teaching assistant for my daughter’s kindergarten class so the little people learn more quickly – guaranteed kudos
  • Buy 30 iPads for the school – additional kudos, perhaps more if done anonymously, to appear humble
  • Increase my giving budget – open my heart more often, to more people

Once you start frequent, small gifts – it turns out that the person that you’re helping the most is yourself.

I don’t regret my inefficiencies. I’m sure that I’d love the trip to Maui.

Luxury spending doesn’t have the staying power of an open heart.

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My original article on The Dollar Game and a follow up one year later on giving.

More on Couples Retreats and my marriage – Article 1 and Article 2

Behavior Not Protocol

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winterIn any given field, the bulk of our performance comes from choosing appropriate behaviors rather than optimizing protocol.

Take wealth, I’ve been reading a second book by Nick Murray and he makes the point that behavior is the single greatest source of wealth creation. He goes further to make the point that it has a greater impact than all other factors combined.

In reading the book, it struck me that he could easily have been describing athletic performance.

  • Balanced program
  • Frequent small contributions towards the goal
  • Most people beat themselves
  • Train yourself to overcome human bias and misjudgment

For every wealth behavior, I can find a similar fitness behavior. Works the same with common errors (selling in fear, chasing performance, not resting, fear of fatigue).

Looking forward to 2015, what behavior is required to achieve your goals? Don’t focus on more than three.

What are the most common mistakes that “everyone else” makes in seeking similar goals? Individual experience is a mirage. What are the most common errors made in my field? How best to create a system so I avoid repeating the mistakes?

Regardless of your field…

  • One small daily step – keep chipping away
  • Drive experience inwards – take all external irritations and change them in MYSELF
  • Let go of non-core – our best work requires a clear mind, a clear mind comes from letting go
  • Refuse to make predictions – pundits do worse than random – stay focused on behavior
  • Spend no more than 10% of your time on tweaking protocol – the greatest returns flow from consistent core behaviors

What are the behaviors required for a life with meaning?

Health, kindness, shared experience, close to nature.

When 99 is more than 100

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As a young man, I spent my 20s focused on taking myself to the limit. In my 30s, I discovered triathlon and shifted my life towards a devotion to personal excellence. In both periods, I was unable to understand why anyone would bother “being average” at anything.

Whether your focus is academics, finance, wealth or sport — if you spend your time in a group that consists of the top 1% then you’ll be at risk for certain errors.

The first error is a skewed definition of “average.”

Athletics is a great field to see this in action as we’re much less likely offend anyone by telling the truth! Here’s a quote from a former coach…

He’s constantly disappointed in himself because he thinks that he should be able to roll out of bed and drop an 8:35 Ironman.

In other words, our friend has a baseline that requires him to outperform 99.99999715% of the planet.

That’s an extreme case but, if you listen to the dialogue surrounding your favorite sports team then, you can see this pattern repeating itself throughout our elite classes.

As an amateur triathlete, I could beat 98.5% of the field at any Ironman race in the world, yet my performance wouldn’t even register for the top 1% of performers, who benchmark themselves on their peers.

My point, isn’t to correct the attitudes of the elites – an extreme way of thinking is useful to drive extreme action.

My point, is to encourage you to stop and ask, “Is It True?”

When your peers lack diversity, your views are at risk from becoming detached from reality. You will see it most easily in your definition of average and decent.

  • What’s a decent athlete?
  • What’s a wealthy family?
  • What’s a successful child?

Outliers living in the 1% are unable to see the extreme nature of their lives and that can lead to ruin.

It’s not just about aging athletes ruining their joints.

I had a very close friend that ended up financially ruined because he was unable to be satisfied with being more wealthy than 98% of his peers.

Others ruin relationships with children, who are unable to measure up to an unreasonable standard.

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Another risk – the best are lazy.

Lazy?

  • …but I train 25 hours a week
  • …but I work 65 hours a week
  • …but I read 100 books a year
  • …but I add more value than anyone at this firm

My capacity for extreme workload requires me to drop everything in my life.

In fact, dropping everything is a “secret” of success.

However, it makes me very lazy outside my domain.

As the youngest partner in my private equity firm, I had staff to shop, to sort my CDs, to open my mail, to cook my meals, to take out my trash… the list went on and on. My approach was to throw other people’s time at any issue that prevented me from spending time on my goals.

Ultimately, behaving like a plutocrat wasn’t the main drawback.

By not placing “love” as a primary goal, I created a pattern of behavior that would have driven every relationship from my life.

It wasn’t until 15 years after my divorce that my family received the dividend of a man becoming a little less successful and far less lazy.

The Price of Admission

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elsaI was reading The Meaning of Human Existence by Wilson and came across an excellent question:

What’s the price of admission to your tribe?

The question got me thinking about the ways that groups enforce conformity and create cohesion.

Here are two areas where my groups have led me astray…

Groups that push me to perform external actions that are different than my internal values — examples here would be the executive that complains that she has to lie as part of her job; or selling a product that hurts people; or working alongside people we don’t respect.

These situations lack integrity because we are choosing to ignore our internal reality in an effort to fit in externally. It’s a stressful situation and most of us adjust by changing our internal reality.

A gradual loss of integrity is how my criminal pals became crooks.

The second thing to watch is the temptation to trade health for money.

Despite having a long-term habit of good choices, I feel this temptation daily! It takes effort for me to protect my healthy living routine (sleep, exercise, stress, nutrition, positive connection to others). The sensation of hanging-on-by-a-thread is something that’s been with me for many years.

Parents, mentors, coaches, bosses, organizations, religions… when our leaders offer us money, fame or recognition for going against what feels right… start working on an exit strategy!

Two of my favorite questions for my kids…

  • What do you feel?
  • What do you think?

A life of integrity is built on harmony between our external actions and internal lives.

It takes effort to look inwards, rather than default to the external dogma of our tribe.

What are the values of the people closest to you?

Renewing My Vows

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ax_leavesHopefully, I’ll be around so my actions teach my children this post before their first kiss.

If not, then I leave it to point them in the right direction. Read it to them annually, at graduations and at their weddings.

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Have you ever heard couples discussing their wedding vows? Perhaps wondering if they should include “honor and obey” in the words they exchange? That seems silly to me because it overlooks the essential components of EVERY long-term relationship.

What follows is how I try to live my marriage, and through my marriage interact with everybody. It wasn’t always this way – as a young man, my greatest weakness was a lack of compassion and an inability to see the second order consequences of my habit of hurting other people.

What are the most important ways that we honor each other?

First, and most importantly, is a commitment not to hurt other people.

Relationships fail when we get caught in a cycle of keeping score, tit-for-tat and not breaking the chain.

We don’t even need to be in the same room with each other to perpetuate this cycle. When I hear about marriages through third parties, I can feel the pain that the couple is creating for each other.

So I offer: I’ll do my best not to hurt you and ask that you forgive me for the many times that I’ll fall short.

Small children understand forgiveness instinctively. Each morning, I get a fresh start and, hopefully, I see each morning as a chance to get a little better than yesterday.

Now, my children will be like me in many ways. This means that they will arrive at adulthood with habits that will torpedo their relationships if not addressed. The most toxic of these habits is enjoying subtle retribution and justified anger.

So I offer: When I feel pain, I know it will be because I you have touched one of my many limitations. I vow to turn that knowledge inwards and try to make incremental progress.

I’ve been married for close to a decade. By chipping away a little bit each day, I make progress and, together, we strengthen our marriage.

It is my improvement, not my position, that makes me fit for leadership, and shows that I’m worthy of being honored.

Being honored for experience is great but being forgiven is much more valuable than being honored.

In a successful relationship, my errors are forgiven, rather than acting as triggers on top of 5, 10 or 15 years of repressed, mutually reinforced pain.

My dearest, I promise that I can handle the truth.

In life, we are tempted to protect others from the truth. This is a mistake and you will find that your strongest relationships are built on being open. In sharing our individual truths, we can work towards understanding what rings true as a couple.

The wisdom of these lessons becomes clear when you invert them.

Relationship failure is characterized by retribution, blame outside of myself and suppression of truth.

I failed many times before I learned a better way.

In order to shape my reality, I started by accepting it.

Chose wisely.

What To Do, when you don’t know what to do

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familyA couple weeks ago, I was flying Southwest and the passenger beside me was a bit unhinged. He didn’t seem dangerous, but kept inserting delusional rants into a well-informed discussion of current events.

The rest of the plane was avoiding eye-contact but, with him on the aisle and me in the middle, I didn’t have anywhere to go!

I figured that I’d put my hospice training to work and see what happened…

Six words that can profoundly change your interactions with the world, and through that, the reality that you experience with your day-to-day living.

When I think about my first response to stress, it’s the opposite of the tenets: I know you’re wrong, I want to flee you and I resist you.

My kids make my instincts obvious to me. If your kids are angels then you might have to look into other areas of your life:

  • A dying parent, or patient
  • A chatty stranger on the bus
  • A fellow citizen on the opposite side of an emotional issue
  • A kid yelling FART at my daughter’s birthday party
  • An angry family member

I get a physical signal, a tightening in my chest, before my mind kicks into high gear. The physical sensation is my chance to save myself from falling into past patterns.

These situations leave me feeling scared and unsure what to do. On the Southwest flight, I had to remind myself that the passenger had to get through security so probably didn’t have a gun, or knife, on him. Yes, I was worried that he was going to kill me!

In turn, my fear leads me to close off, or engage by digging into my existing beliefs. Classic flight or fight.

However, if I’m aware of my fears then, I can pause and try to help the other person. When I do this, I’m helping myself because I escape my cycle of fear/closing and/or fear/engaging.

Bearing witness – one of our deepest needs is to be seen, to be acknowledged. Watching how the rest of the world treats the aged, a difficult child or the crazy guy on the Southwest flight… I see that I can do the entire world (or at least my fellow passengers) a favor by acknowledging my seat mate for a little while.

Not knowing – listening to other people speak, particularly odd-ball cranks, there is another voice in my head. The inner voice is constantly disagreeing, challenging, explaining why the other person is wrong.

When I’m quiet enough to hear the other voice, I see it’s not rational. It takes the opposite side to whatever it’s hearing. Much like the initial reaction of my three-year old son!

In a situation that doesn’t matter (like talking to a stranger), play a game where you “don’t know.” You’ll find that it is relaxing to give yourself permission to not-know. In turn, a habit of not-knowing prevents needless conflict with kids, at work and in your marriage.

The “not knowing” exercise is a neat one because, when you see the power of change in areas that don’t matter, you’ll unlock an insight into how the only thing that matters is the little things!

Compassionate action – in the case of my eccentric seat mate, it was easy to see the best thing for everyone was for me to listen, with a mind that didn’t know. In fact, I’ve been doing more and more listening.

If you think about it then I’ll bet you can come up with situations where you had NO IDEA about the right course of action:

  • Friend with cancer
  • Friend who had parent die
  • Friend who had child die
  • Divorcing couple
  • Friend with child with developmental difficulties
  • Depressed friend
  • Friend with substance abuse issues
  • Bankrupt friend

When you don’t know what to do, I hope you remember Joan’s advice.

As for my pal on Southwest, he thanked me for my kindness and scurried off the plane.

He left me with a warm feeling of a job well done.

Be brave.

How A Kid Saves $100 Per Week

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Bogus BasinThe fact that $100 per week from age 12 to 30 equals $150,000 (at 5% compounding) caught my wife’s eye. She asked me to explain how one of our kids could save $100 per week.

My assumptions:

  • Colorado minimum wage is $8 per hour
  • The habit I want to support is investing 50% of net earnings
  • 15 hours a week gets us to $120 gross

Now, 15 hours a week is a lot. Most kids would learn that they need to start a much lower, say 3-7 hours. That’s OK with me – it’s the habit, not the quantum that matters.

What would they do?

Right now we spend significant money/time on childcare, cleaning and yard work. All of these are up for grabs, if there’s interest.

In my wife’s case, she spent her childhood swimming – there wasn’t surplus time, or energy, for much work. Her payoff was an out-of-state athletic scholarship, a biology degree and a life-long habit of healthy choices.

Up in Canada, I started working early and continued through university. I paid local tuition, had an academic scholarship and graduated in four years. My family’s payoff was reduced financial support and a financially secure adult (with an advanced finance degree). My healthy habits came a lot later!

The offer I’d make to my kids is dollar-for-dollar matching with their saved earnings. I’d start them with the second-grader portfolio (90% equity). Here’s the Second Grader Book link – highly recommend it to adults!

Creating an early habit of working, and investing, will have a far greater return than ANY alternative uses of funds.

In effect, I’m setting up a program by which my children earn financial support and learn the skills to manage money when I’m gone.

As the kids gain experience, I can teach them about investing, personal taxation, compound interest, financial accounting and asset allocation – with their own assets.

By allowing my family (and my family council), to follow along, everyone learns the skills required when I’m gone.

Money, Marriage, Kids, Family

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Back in July, I caught myself fantasizing about my life in the year 2030, when my youngest graduates from high school.

Longing for a better life in the future is a sure sign that I need to make changes in the present!

My dream, of 2030, was an example of the main excuses that I give myself:

  1. Money – If only I had more…
  2. Marriage – I can’t do that, I’ll damage my…
  3. Kids – The trap of giving to the point of self-neglect and external resentment…

To the list above, I’ll add “Family” – I hear others say that they can’t do XYZ because of family considerations.

While it helps our own happiness to serve another, resentment happens when we feel bound to serve.

I know from my own experience that a resentful grandson, son, father or husband isn’t much help at all. I’m awful to live with when filled with resentment.

My antidote with relationships is straightforward.

  1. Empower each other to say “no”
  2. Always be part of the solution – much better than seeking to be THE solution!
  3. Respect other people and let them solve their own situations
  4. Consider every interaction a gift, rather than an obligation – point #1 is essential for this mindset

Now, with money, the antidote is more complicated. My best advice: start by ditching people, situations and things that makes you feel envy.

Envy distracts me from my true needs.

Recently, I spent six years working myself out of financial squeeze and wanted to share the process. When I’m not sure what to do, I start with a clean sheet of paper.

Blank Sheet Living…

Based on where I am today, where would I like to be in five years and what’s it going to take to get there?

Six years ago, I decided that it was important to reduce my family’s net cost of living. I looked at moving to where I could earn more money (Silicon Valley) and where I could live far more cheaply (Boulder County).

In the end, the US Federal Reserve drove mortgage rates to the point where I moved across town, downsized 50% and achieved my goal.

It took a surprisingly large amount of effort to take the path of least resistance!

So now I’m “there” – I achieved my plan and have the ability to reset my life again.

Additionally, I have a wonderful spouse that empowers me to do ANYTHING.

There is deep wisdom in empowering another to choose to love, and serve, us.

I’ve lost all my excuses.

It can be terrifying to lose my excuses!

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Goal: Strategy, Tactics

Serenity: Time Alone, Weekly overnights to the high country to explore in solitude

Connection: More Monsy, Share experiences with my spouse and strengthen my marriage, which is my best asset

Long-term Health: Use My Drive For Fitness, Exercise twice a day, watch the booze and carbs

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Serenity, Connection and Long-term Health => What’s Your List?