Tag Archives: parenting

A Necessary Failure

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2014-11-22 21.05.51-1When I listen to parents talk about their experiences, I hear…

  • I’m worried that I’m screwing it up
  • We’re barely afloat
  • I’m just trying to keep my head above water

The metaphors often have a drowning theme to them!

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Something that’s helped me cope with being overwhelmed is to notice that the parenting experience has been set up so little failures are guaranteed.

In fact, there’s no better life lesson to learn than people can fail us and we are going to be ok.

We might not like the failure.

The failure might hurt.

…but we’re going to be OK.

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So remember that being good-enough is better for our kids than being perfect.

…and remember that our parents, and others, probably did us a favor when they let our younger selves down.

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More along these lines in a book by Mark Epstein called The Trauma of Everyday Life.

 

Letting Life Be The Teacher

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Happy LexiThis past summer I did my coastal skipper certification. My instructor was a cancer survivor, who had lived a full and, at times, wild life. He shared a story with me about taking his 60 tonnes certification course.

At the course there was a student that was always late. This drove him crazy, as the group was often waiting for the student. While the students were bothered, the instructor wasn’t phased.

Eventually, my pal asked, “how can you tolerate it?”

The instructor replied, “don’t you worry, the industry will sort it out.”

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A similar lesson, different environment.

When my daughter is overtired and starts hollering at her friends, who are guests at our house.

Rather than yelling at my daughter, to get her to stop yelling, I go for a walk

Later, when the energy has gone out of the situation, I ask her what happened.

Knowing that I’m not keen on yelling… she drops into her justification for yelling, before I even mention raising her voice.

I let her talk herself out, fully.

I hold her in my arms and very gently say, “Sweetie, when we invite guests to our house we should be kind to them. It makes me sad when I hear you yelling at our guests.”

Again, I let her talk herself out, fully.

With her still in my arms, “Sweetie, you are right. Remember that you can be right and speak gently. I love you.”

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When teaching, I try to remember that the relationship comes before the teaching.

  • Let the energy leave the situation
  • Let everyone express themselves fully
  • Demonstrate the lesson via my own actions

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For the important stuff, life has a way of teaching via the consequences of our behavior.

Another lesson is to have the courage to let others experience the consequences of their own behavior.

Life is a great teacher.

What To Do, when you don’t know what to do

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familyA couple weeks ago, I was flying Southwest and the passenger beside me was a bit unhinged. He didn’t seem dangerous, but kept inserting delusional rants into a well-informed discussion of current events.

The rest of the plane was avoiding eye-contact but, with him on the aisle and me in the middle, I didn’t have anywhere to go!

I figured that I’d put my hospice training to work and see what happened…

Six words that can profoundly change your interactions with the world, and through that, the reality that you experience with your day-to-day living.

When I think about my first response to stress, it’s the opposite of the tenets: I know you’re wrong, I want to flee you and I resist you.

My kids make my instincts obvious to me. If your kids are angels then you might have to look into other areas of your life:

  • A dying parent, or patient
  • A chatty stranger on the bus
  • A fellow citizen on the opposite side of an emotional issue
  • A kid yelling FART at my daughter’s birthday party
  • An angry family member

I get a physical signal, a tightening in my chest, before my mind kicks into high gear. The physical sensation is my chance to save myself from falling into past patterns.

These situations leave me feeling scared and unsure what to do. On the Southwest flight, I had to remind myself that the passenger had to get through security so probably didn’t have a gun, or knife, on him. Yes, I was worried that he was going to kill me!

In turn, my fear leads me to close off, or engage by digging into my existing beliefs. Classic flight or fight.

However, if I’m aware of my fears then, I can pause and try to help the other person. When I do this, I’m helping myself because I escape my cycle of fear/closing and/or fear/engaging.

Bearing witness – one of our deepest needs is to be seen, to be acknowledged. Watching how the rest of the world treats the aged, a difficult child or the crazy guy on the Southwest flight… I see that I can do the entire world (or at least my fellow passengers) a favor by acknowledging my seat mate for a little while.

Not knowing – listening to other people speak, particularly odd-ball cranks, there is another voice in my head. The inner voice is constantly disagreeing, challenging, explaining why the other person is wrong.

When I’m quiet enough to hear the other voice, I see it’s not rational. It takes the opposite side to whatever it’s hearing. Much like the initial reaction of my three-year old son!

In a situation that doesn’t matter (like talking to a stranger), play a game where you “don’t know.” You’ll find that it is relaxing to give yourself permission to not-know. In turn, a habit of not-knowing prevents needless conflict with kids, at work and in your marriage.

The “not knowing” exercise is a neat one because, when you see the power of change in areas that don’t matter, you’ll unlock an insight into how the only thing that matters is the little things!

Compassionate action – in the case of my eccentric seat mate, it was easy to see the best thing for everyone was for me to listen, with a mind that didn’t know. In fact, I’ve been doing more and more listening.

If you think about it then I’ll bet you can come up with situations where you had NO IDEA about the right course of action:

  • Friend with cancer
  • Friend who had parent die
  • Friend who had child die
  • Divorcing couple
  • Friend with child with developmental difficulties
  • Depressed friend
  • Friend with substance abuse issues
  • Bankrupt friend

When you don’t know what to do, I hope you remember Joan’s advice.

As for my pal on Southwest, he thanked me for my kindness and scurried off the plane.

He left me with a warm feeling of a job well done.

Be brave.

How A Kid Saves $100 Per Week

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Bogus BasinThe fact that $100 per week from age 12 to 30 equals $150,000 (at 5% compounding) caught my wife’s eye. She asked me to explain how one of our kids could save $100 per week.

My assumptions:

  • Colorado minimum wage is $8 per hour
  • The habit I want to support is investing 50% of net earnings
  • 15 hours a week gets us to $120 gross

Now, 15 hours a week is a lot. Most kids would learn that they need to start a much lower, say 3-7 hours. That’s OK with me – it’s the habit, not the quantum that matters.

What would they do?

Right now we spend significant money/time on childcare, cleaning and yard work. All of these are up for grabs, if there’s interest.

In my wife’s case, she spent her childhood swimming – there wasn’t surplus time, or energy, for much work. Her payoff was an out-of-state athletic scholarship, a biology degree and a life-long habit of healthy choices.

Up in Canada, I started working early and continued through university. I paid local tuition, had an academic scholarship and graduated in four years. My family’s payoff was reduced financial support and a financially secure adult (with an advanced finance degree). My healthy habits came a lot later!

The offer I’d make to my kids is dollar-for-dollar matching with their saved earnings. I’d start them with the second-grader portfolio (90% equity). Here’s the Second Grader Book link – highly recommend it to adults!

Creating an early habit of working, and investing, will have a far greater return than ANY alternative uses of funds.

In effect, I’m setting up a program by which my children earn financial support and learn the skills to manage money when I’m gone.

As the kids gain experience, I can teach them about investing, personal taxation, compound interest, financial accounting and asset allocation – with their own assets.

By allowing my family (and my family council), to follow along, everyone learns the skills required when I’m gone.

Helping Kids Hear

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Vail MountainI was back at preschool community night last week and we were chatting about the issues that face parents. A biggie…

How can I make my kids listen to me?

I can’t.

What I can do is create the conditions where my kids might hear me, and use behavioral psychology to increase compliance.

Key things that I’ve noticed:

Space to comply – when the kids are running around being kids, it can take a LONG time for me to understand what my wife is saying. In fact, it can take so long that she might get frustrated with me, even when I hear her. I’m guessing that a three-year old has a similar comprehension lag.

Solution – ALWAYS count to three in my head to give the kid time to hear, and time to comply

Don’t Scare My Children Witless – Am I creating an environment where my kids are able to understand me? Not always.

Never Repeat – the moms at the preschool meeting HATE repeating themselves. My solution is to observe how many times I repeat myself.

Why?

Because our kids don’t need to listen if we’re always repeating!

By the way, it’s difficult to ask the kids not to repeatedly ask me for stuff if I’m always doing the same to them. Be the change.

Talk To My Eyes – when my house is full, I spend most my time with sensory overload. I get so fried I can’t think, write or function. Once I’m fried, everyone needs to talk directly to my eyes. It takes a little extra effort but then they don’t have to repeat. 🙂

Finally, is it worth listening to what I have to say? Are my expectations reasonable? What’s my ratio of positive-to-negative interactions?

When I turn the issue on it’s head, I’ve found myself lacking in many relationships – not just with my kids.

ax

Money, Marriage, Kids, Family

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Back in July, I caught myself fantasizing about my life in the year 2030, when my youngest graduates from high school.

Longing for a better life in the future is a sure sign that I need to make changes in the present!

My dream, of 2030, was an example of the main excuses that I give myself:

  1. Money – If only I had more…
  2. Marriage – I can’t do that, I’ll damage my…
  3. Kids – The trap of giving to the point of self-neglect and external resentment…

To the list above, I’ll add “Family” – I hear others say that they can’t do XYZ because of family considerations.

While it helps our own happiness to serve another, resentment happens when we feel bound to serve.

I know from my own experience that a resentful grandson, son, father or husband isn’t much help at all. I’m awful to live with when filled with resentment.

My antidote with relationships is straightforward.

  1. Empower each other to say “no”
  2. Always be part of the solution – much better than seeking to be THE solution!
  3. Respect other people and let them solve their own situations
  4. Consider every interaction a gift, rather than an obligation – point #1 is essential for this mindset

Now, with money, the antidote is more complicated. My best advice: start by ditching people, situations and things that makes you feel envy.

Envy distracts me from my true needs.

Recently, I spent six years working myself out of financial squeeze and wanted to share the process. When I’m not sure what to do, I start with a clean sheet of paper.

Blank Sheet Living…

Based on where I am today, where would I like to be in five years and what’s it going to take to get there?

Six years ago, I decided that it was important to reduce my family’s net cost of living. I looked at moving to where I could earn more money (Silicon Valley) and where I could live far more cheaply (Boulder County).

In the end, the US Federal Reserve drove mortgage rates to the point where I moved across town, downsized 50% and achieved my goal.

It took a surprisingly large amount of effort to take the path of least resistance!

So now I’m “there” – I achieved my plan and have the ability to reset my life again.

Additionally, I have a wonderful spouse that empowers me to do ANYTHING.

There is deep wisdom in empowering another to choose to love, and serve, us.

I’ve lost all my excuses.

It can be terrifying to lose my excuses!

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Goal: Strategy, Tactics

Serenity: Time Alone, Weekly overnights to the high country to explore in solitude

Connection: More Monsy, Share experiences with my spouse and strengthen my marriage, which is my best asset

Long-term Health: Use My Drive For Fitness, Exercise twice a day, watch the booze and carbs

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Serenity, Connection and Long-term Health => What’s Your List?

True Strength

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g_aqua

One of my coaches, Mark Allen, made the observation that to get our race in order, we need to get our lives in order. Racing, like any other form of stress, can strip away our filters.

Mark’s advice is an example of an athletic lesson with a wide application into everyday living.

We share a desire to be strong. This desire is expressed by building up and adding to one’s self.

  • Adding size through muscles, bulk, heels, boots
  • Adding tension from taking on obligations
  • Adding palmares from victories
  • Adding possessions and external signs of power

I’ve done it all: cowboy boots; academic honors; powerlifting; fancy cars; big houses; jewelry for my wife…

Adding, adding, adding.

The list above is about our external life. Building up is a projection of strength, but it isn’t true strength. I think Mark is pointing us towards something that might become resiliency. An integrated life where we are in harmony with our external projection and OK with all aspects of our experience (strong/weak, happy/sad). This harmony lets us cope with the tests of our races (and lives).

Perhaps you’ve had a situation where you tell yourself to be “strong” but a more accurate description is a fear that our inner storm might show through. Having completely fallen apart a few times, isn’t that big of a deal. I don’t want to make a habit of it but I also don’t want to spend my life holding tight and letting the pressure build within me.

When tired, when grieving, when sick, when stressed… life has a way of stripping our filters away.

But how can we process our inner life?

  • Exercise works well for me – moderate effort, repeated movements
  • Others prefer meditation – cultivating stillness and observing one’s mind
  • Many find the combination of breathing and movement in yoga to be effective
  • Thrill seekers tend towards extreme risk and peak experience – works for them but doesn’t work for the larger goals of my family

If we keep peeling away our layers then we might find that the joke is on us.

Why?

Ultimately, every individual unravels.

It can be terrifying when we bump into this reality. You may have experienced this fear through the death of friends, parents and grandparents.

Ultimately, we might find comfort in defining resiliency in terms of something larger than ourselves – family, legacy, lineage, tradition.

Cultivate courage by staying open towards little fears.

The Preschool Years

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Lots of my pals have new arrivals so I thought I’d share from my years of living with preschoolers.

Three years ago, I can remember feeling overwhelmed. Our oldest was a terror, we had a new baby and I could see no end to the frantic energy and whining. Today, we’re up to three kids but I can see light at the end of the tunnel.

Where should a new parent focus?

Three things come to mind…

Marriage – it’s easy to lose each other in the craziness of a young family. Make time to be with each other. We try to spend 2-3 evenings with each other each week. Money spent here has the best return on my discretionary spending.

If you look closely, the baby is purple!

De-escalate – At my best, I have the skill to de-escalate my kids by relaxing myself.

How can you train yourself to not escalate when faced with a screaming child? Here’s my practical mindfulness program…

  • Courtesy to people with no recourse against me
  • Yield in traffic
  • Always polite to spouse
  • Pause when you feel anger
  • Train your relaxation reflex – perhaps by taking a big breath occasionally – here’s an app to help you learn to relax

None of the above has anything to do with kids – most of my parenting habits started far away from any toddlers!

Health – While you may, or may not, regret losing your spouse (or temper) through the preschool years, you will absolutely regret losing your health.

My trap is confusing athletic performance with health.

Other traps:

  • Confusing success with my bank balance
  • Measuring how effective I am by what I publish
  • Co-dependence, where I use serving another as an excuse to neglect myself

I share the above because our minds will convince us that there’s always a good short-term reason to ignore our long-term health. I don’t know your reasons but I know we are all prone to rationalizations.

All up, this phase of my life is going to last seven years.

1,000 days to go.

Soon they will be wiping themselves!

Breaking The Chain

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Today’s title is the name of a book that was given to me by my coach. The book is about the impact of 100 years of choices in the sport of cycling. The stories will blow your mind.

The concept, of a continuous chain, is also a teaching in Eastern Philosophy. One aspect is that we can do good works when we DON’T pass along the pain we receive from another person. The gift of “not passing” is something that I practice at home.

FlagstaffA few years back, I made a decision to leave a group of friends rather than engage them over their cruelty of their language to each other.

I thought it would be more productive for me to change everyone’s names and write blog posts instead…

I’m laughing as I type that because it’s true. We all dig in when confronted directly.

Tips that help me be part of the solution for friends and family.

Statute of Emotional Limitations – I got this from Gordon Livingston. He recommends deciding on a statute of limitations for our childhoods. When we turn 25, 35, 45, 65 or 75… …we decide that we’ve grown up and we’re leaving it behind. it’s never too late to decide that you’ve grown beyond the slights of the past.

Young kids are fantastic teachers of this point. A baby holds nothing from her past. Even my three-year old, doesn’t retain emotion for more than a couple minutes. It’s a wonderful way to be and somewhat confusing to a father (me) that’s prone to holding a grudge.

Making time is a useful coping strategy if you’re prone to self-pity.

A favorite book is Tuesday’s With Morrie – Morrie is living with ALS and one of his coping strategies is to really experience his sadness each morning. Being completely sad for a few minutes enables him to live the rest of his day.

Recognizing Limits – there’s some stuff from my past that I might never get past. Some relationships that might never get sorted. Some episodes that will tag along for what remains of my life. I have a choice to own that reality.

Going further, in cases of abuse and trauma, the magnitude of the stress might have permanently rewired how we respond to certain situations. In my own case, just-the-right-mix can knock me off kilter.

As a result, I need to forgive myself for falling short of the idealized image in my head. Take fatherhood, at the end of a challenging shift with my kids, I might never be Christ-like, or tap my Buddha-nature, or whatever I happen to be shooting for at the time.

To deal with my shortcomings, it helps to think about the chain that led to me and understand that I’m going to leave a few loose ends when my time is done.

Lexi_PilotTaking a longer term perspective, my role is to move things along a little bit, not screw up and let my kids take the controls.

Some things take more than one generation to work through – that’s ok.

Be gentle with your short comings – simply try to do a little better.

Managing My Baseline

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As I’ve gained a better understanding of my mind, I’ve made micro changes to improve my daily satisfaction. Most of these changes involve reseting my baseline for expectations.

Two simple examples can be found in my approach to coffee and wine.

COFFEE

I was thrilled when Peet’s Coffee & Tea opened in Boulder. However, I noticed that my baseline quickly reset and drinking coffee elsewhere resulted in disappointment.

My ability to easily access “the best” increased my total dissatisfaction across a month.

What to do?

I switched my morning routine to start with a cup of CostCo brew. It’s a solid brew and gets me rolling.

However, a few months ago, I won coffee-for-a-year from Peet’s and get a pound of beans each month. So I started drinking Peet’s in the morning and everything reset again.

More disappointment resulted when, mid-month, we’d run out.

However, now I see my disappointment as a chance to reset and I anticipate each new month’s shipment.

Anticipation is a key part of pleasure – worth remembering that tip in relationships as well!

WINE

My senses of hearing, taste and smell are all below average. It’s an area, like my driving, where my self-assessment is more accurate than most.

When buying wine, I combine my known sensory deficit with a simple heuristic – never pay more than $15 for a bottle of wine.

This makes it easy for my pals to blow me away with their moderate vintages, has me drinking less and reduces my total annual spend on alcohol. All good results.

Like my three-year old son, I try to make myself easy to impress!

LAIRD HAMILTON

That’s Laird, Gabby and family above. My wife follows them on Facebook and mentioned that she thought they were a well-grounded couple.

All I could do was laugh and say, “Laird’s your baseline for a husband?!”

Apparently, Laird’s “a little soft” but that’s OK because he has three kids.

For some reason, Laird appearing soft didn’t make me feel a whole lot better.

Anyhow, exercising makes me happy and, perhaps, my wife was giving me a nudge to train more.

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Remember what I said about the coffee and the wine, it applies in every aspect of our lives.

Too much luxury can ruin our appreciation for the beauty of everyday life.

Take time to reset your expectations.