Marriage Material

I blew up my first marriage in a year.

If you asked me about it then, not only would I have blamed my ex-spouse, I would have blamed the entire concept of marriage.

Roll forward a couple decades (!) and here’s a lesson that I’m seeking to pass along to my kids.

Sibling bickering is exhausting, painful and universal.

Rather than focusing on “fixing” my kids – who seem healthy, loving and normal – I use conflict as an opportunity to teach.

I wait for the energy to go out of the situation.

Hey, I want to teach you a Jedi mind trick.

When you are upset…

Watch your mind.

 

It is going to fix on something outside…

…Bella’s voice

…Axel’s question

…Lexi’s tone

…my face

 

Your mind is going to trick you into thinking that the problem is out there.

Not helpful.

Because you can’t do anything “out there.”

 

What you can do is pause and ask, “What do I want?”

And you’re going to find something to helpful to do.

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Simple, not easy.

Better Sleep

I started waking up earlier, kept my mouth shut and watched a cascade of positive effects roll through my house.

I got the idea after calling myself out about my self-prescribed sleep “aids” and from Jocko’s book.

The hook in Jocko’s book was his observation that 4:55am is more than ten minutes better than 5:05am.

I began to wake up in the “4s” in February. After two weeks my body adjusted and I don’t need an alarm to do it.

Monica asked me “why” => “All I was doing was scrolling social media for 90 minutes after the kids went to sleep.”

I was wasting a key advantage => I need less sleep than my kids.

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The game is “do whatever before 5am then one useful task.”

As the family wakes up… it’s on and I’m drawn back to the family (sometimes from the middle of a workout).

Jocko’s point –predawn is the only time we truly own.

Other tips…

If you want to go to sleep then wake up – same time every_single_day – with travel, I stay on my home time zone.

I always have a cushion of sleep available by going to sleep at the same time as my kids and waking up at the same time as usual.

 

Mastery

What are the choices that bring me satisfaction?

Getting better than I thought possible at anything.

I had zero athletic success as a child (my little league nickname was “Useless”). My lack of early success makes it easy to impress myself with anything I enjoy enough to do daily. Something I can work at every day.

I use expert instruction from strangers to speed my learning process. Strangers are important — watch high-achieving spouses “teach” each other. When we notice our kids aren’t open to learning from us – we bring in outsiders. Once they get the hang of it (whatever “it” happens to be) they are keen to show us their competency.

Stay close to nature — I am trained in the desk-bound pursuits of finance, banking, taxation and corporate law. They pay well, and were a ton of fun for the first decade. However, they don’t feed my soul. What feeds your soul? Beware of craving high-doses!

Connect with others — opportunities at both ends of the age spectrum await. From teaching children to learning from aging experts.

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Excessive “anything” leaves me in a short-term state of tranquil exhaustion.

Exhaustion plays havoc with my home life because a fatigue hangover leaves me intolerant and prone to depression.

If this sounds familiar then pay attention.

Being better than myself is superior to seeking to better others.

Mastery – a different sort of game.

Long Term Healthy

Yet another friend convinces a doctor to give her a procedure so she can continue to do what’s causing her pain…

…reminds me of a realization – prescribing is less fun when I see my role in hurting the health and home life of my clients.

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Avoid Athletic Ruin

Missing one day of cardio makes me serious, two days off and I’m quiet, three days off and I’m sullen…

Ruin, in an athletic sense, is dealing with the implications of not being able to exercise.

If that rings true then what follows might help.

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Given my lifetime of extreme exercise, bike crashes and running injuries, a radiologist could find a lot of things “wrong” with my body.

Knowing that I’m a walking insurance reimbursement opportunity – I stay away from those that profit from unnecessary treatment.

When I pay attention to what follows, my body works great.

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Before paying someone to cut, inject or irradiate you…

Rest – addicts seek extreme friends to reassure themselves that an unreasonable lifestyle is sustainable – sometimes I’m the seeker, sometimes I’m the friend.

Lifestyle Modification – winning isn’t important, racing isn’t important – ask a broken down athlete what they miss and you’ll hear a similar story, I wish I could simply get out the door without pain. It’s worth a lot of compromise to maintain my ability to get out the door.

Pre-Habilitation – why not try a world-class rehab program BEFORE you opt for surgery. For non-acute injuries, rest as if you had a procedure then give your best effort to strengthen your body and increase your range of motion.

My demographic takes pride in doing what-it-takes for athletic success. If you want a true challenge then do the above and deal with the internal dialogue that results!

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Risk seeking friends – this is wider than athletics.

My past choices have shown that I have the capacity for bad judgement.

  • Elevate my heart rate.
  • Introduce group dynamics and social proof.
  • Surround myself with charismatic risk seekers.

…and you have the recipe for a good time! 😉

It’s also a perfect storm to spin myself into fatigue, injury and depression.

Remember who gets to deal with the wreckage.

Training For Health – Check Yourself

Here’s how I manage my tendency to end up depleted, sore and emotionally tapped.

Strength TrainingGet really strong once a year. It is inconvenient to get my strength training done. However, I’m a true believer that life is better when I am stronger.

Sitting at the end of uphill ski season, I’ve made a big trade in strength, for aerobic performance. I tell myself that I got “something” for the trade but life is better when strong!

Don’t Race Down – if I’m going to have a bad accident, it will happen at speed. I write about this a lot because I have to remind myself! Satisfaction comes from proper preparation, not blazing at my limits.

Ditch Volume Goals – Early season, I had an idea that it would be “fun” to ski 2,000,000 vertical feet. I soon realized my initial goal would screw up my family life (by getting me to obsess about more, more, more).

Remembering that it is easier to replace an obsession than transcend it… I shifted to a frequency goal of skiing 100 times (lots of shorter ski days).

I’ve learned this lesson before when I ditched racing to create space for my young family. A goal, that has me turning away from the love of my family, is counterproductive.

No Sports Nutrition – if I find myself craving sugar, I reduce my workload. Sugar intake is a clear line beyond which I have moved away from health. Working within this restriction, I get a lot done!

The above “restrictions” reduce my tendency to create my own depression and emotional drama.

I feel better within my body, while giving more to the people around me.

Strategies for Good Times

Here are three areas where I fool myself.

Consider Ruin – I’ve done a good job of addressing the risks identified three years ago. So good that, when I asked myself the question, “What can wipe me out?” I quickly answered, “You’re set amigo.” That’s a top-of-the-market sentiment if I ever heard one.

Having mitigated the hazards of leverage, unemployment, litigation, fraud, risk-seeking peers and insolvency… my main risks are health and accidental death.

Do you know your own?

Stay Variable – I was listening to out-of-state visitors rave about the beauty of the Rocky Mountains.

They’re right.

Where they go wrong is assuming that buying a condo will enable them to lock in the emotions of beautiful spring day.

I’m just like them.

We’re all just like them.

Good times give us access to additional finance/capital. We often use this money to capitalize luxuries and time.

Stay variable, stay invested and resist the urge to lock in family overheads.

Rebalance Time – the best deals I’ve done have been where I traded money-for-time.

It takes vigilance to carve time to become world-class at things that interest me. Mastery makes me happy.

Social media, marriage, long-term friendships, work/non-work, self/family – I don’t advocate being in balance – I do advocate making an honest assessment and asking myself if I’m OK with where my time allocation will take my life.

Family Leadership

My kids are at the stage where they’re still asking for permission to go to the bathroom.

That will change.

When it does, I want to be ready for a chat on family leadership.

As a young man, I was a passionate believer in advancement based on merit. Merit being (solely) a function of competence and output. This suited me because what I lacked in tact was overcome by effort. I’m guessing most teams have members with weaknesses that are overcome by high output.

When we ask the world to judge us solely on output, we’re setting ourselves up for problems.

We are going to find most people confusing. This confusion will manifest in our families and relationships.

What’s my emotional output?

  1. How do people feel after they interact with me?
  2. How do I treat people that have no recourse against me?
  3. Do I stand ready to do what I’m asking you to do?

Thinking back to how I would have answered these 25 years ago…

  1. I don’t care
  2. No idea
  3. I use other people’s time and money to accomplish my goals – they are free to do what they want

I’ve found a large return from small adjustments.

The 30-Day Test

The first principle is you must not fool yourself — and you are the easiest person to fool.

— Richard Feynman


If you self-medicate with drugs or alcohol then you’re going to have a story wrapped around your usage.

My story is beer helps me fall asleep. It’s easy, and wonderful, to knock myself out with a couple of beers. Across 2017, I noticed a habit forming.

As two beers became four, I remembered Doc Evans’ video about alcohol and health. I also sensed that my reason for drinking was weak.

So I decided to make changes, for 30 days:

  • wake up 30 minutes earlier (5:30am is my new normal)
  • ditch the beer
  • pay attention

Similarly my earplug usage was up to 100+ hours per week and a sense of panic would arise when I found myself without plugs. I’d been using plugs for years and they helped, greatly, with not lashing out in the face of my kids’ whining.


How’d it work out?

I lost 8 pounds.

The earplug adjustment happened so quickly I forgot I needed them.

I haven’t forgotten about beer.


We often have habits that hold us back and forever seems daunting.

30-days was:

…long enough to expose my faulty thinking

and

…short enough to get me to start.


One final sleep tip, I lie beside my son for 15 minutes when he goes to bed.

No agenda.

Just breathe.

Our favorite part of the day

Tips for Getting Jacked 2017

Everything about my life is better when I am strong.

I wanted to pass along what worked across my six month campaign of Getting Strong.

#1 – the biggest change, and challenge, for an endurance athlete… cap your cardio sessions at an hour and drop all group training. No more than two cardio sessions per day but you can walk around as much as you like! This is the only way I save the mojo to truly push myself in the gym and get-it-done.

#2 – add plyometrics // the leg blaster program that I used is here – combine with traditional gym work (focused on squats and leg press) – total time investment for the plyometrics was 12 hours over six months – outstanding return on investment!

#3 – track total movements // my plyometric routines built up to 420 movements in 15 minutes – during base training, my traditional exercises were focused on getting to 100 movements per exercise (sets of 20-25 reps with short rest) – the total gym session would be 400-500 movements (during base/prep training) – I did best my splitting plyometrics away from lifting days.

#4 – use a four-day cycle // for example…

  • Base; Cardio; Plyo; Cardio
  • Heavy Legs; Plyo; Cardio; Cardio
  • Upper Body Blaster; Maintenance Legs; Plyo; Cardio

#5 – gains come from working the legs // my entire body benefits from improved leg strength. I didn’t focus on my upper body until I had been focusing on my legs for 20+ weeks. The upper body gains came fast from a month of adding push ups, burpees and the PT Pyramid.

Most my gains are hidden: better range of movement in my knees, improved energy and being able to toss my kids around.

It was a lot of fun and I ended this block feeling jacked, rather than exhausted.

Applying Wealth Wisely

A reader recommended a book about Living with a Seal. The book is an entertaining read, but I did find myself swearing far more than usual afterwards (burpee test!).

The book is about a marathoner who spends a month training with David Goggins (former seal). Having done extreme training, I think it’s safe to assume the rest of the guy’s life was on hold during his month with Goggins!

Complete control of your schedule and the ability to focus on one thing for an extended period of time.

Whether you want to train with a seal, start a business, write a book or simply get really, really good at something… the ability to control your schedule is the starting point for your journey.

Can you take a month “off” to focus on “one thing”?

A month is a good unit because it’s about what it takes for me to start a new business, write a book or bump my level up in anything.

As an elite athlete, I’d spend 13-week blocks focusing on my sport. By that time, I was already good, and seeking to become the absolute best I could be.

You need time because a second use of wealth is accessing, then following, the ACTIONS of world-class teachers.

Advice without action is entertainment.

I’ve been guilty of throwing money and other people’s time at anything I found unpleasant. It can be a winning strategy but it was a band-aid for unnecessary complexity in my life choices.

If you’re a do’er then work towards control of your schedule so you can learn-by-doing alongside the best.

Parenting is similar to learning to swim — we’re not going to become world class on a couple hours per week!

Make sure your mentors have the sort of lives, and character, that you’d like to emulate.

Chose wisely!